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It was about half past eight when Rafa arrived at the party. Not any party, it was the celebration party of Team Europe after their win of the first Laver Cup ever. It had been a rocky path, but in the end they had done it. Rafa had never imagined that he would enjoy playing in a team that much. Usually, he was more of a single fighter, who wasn’t exactly comfortable being dependent on someone else. It just made things simpler. When he won, it was his achievement, and when he lost it was his fault, and only his. Of course, he would occasionally play doubles with Feliciano, but he mostly did that because he simply enjoyed spending time with his dear friend, on and off court equally.
But how could he have ever denied Roger when the Swiss asked him personally, if Rafa wanted to play doubles with him at the Laver Cup for Team Europe. Rafa always took every chance he could get to spend more time with Roger, after all they had built not only a phenomenal rivalry, but also a strong friendship during their long lasting career. What many didn’t know was, that when it came to Rafa, the sentiment went far beyond a normal friendship. In fact, he had been in love with his rival for over a decade now, starting with that incredible Wimbledon finale. But since Roger had been married until about nine months ago, he had never even thought about acting on it. And even if Roger was technically single now, there was just little to no chance that he would reciprocate those feelings. At least so he had thought…but then Laver cup had began.
During the tournament the two of them had connected instantly. They had spent almost the entire day at each others side, except of course when they were training or playing a singles match. When they had been watching their team mates play, they would almost always sit next to each other, often with touching bodies at some point. Roger had been especially touchy. Whenever he had gotten nervous or thrilled he had touched Rafas thigh or his knee, maybe hoping the Spaniard wouldn’t notice, which of course had not been the case. Rafa also had really enjoyed the couching the had given each other. Even if Borg had had barely anything to say during their matches, the two of them had always found a way of helping each other through difficult sets and giving each other some helpful advice.
Then there had been their doubles match. Rafa could not remember any time in his career where the crowd had been as loud as it had been when Roger and him had walked on the court side by side.
The match had not been easy. After all, both of them were primarily singles players, and even though they had had a few doubles trainings together, it was just no comparison to the well-rehearsed doubles team Querrey and Sock. But in the end, thanks to the incredible skills of both of them, they were able to win the match. And man, it had felt so good. Sharing the court with his secret love, sharing the win with him and celebrating it together had been everything he had ever hoped for.
But the moment where Rafa had begun to get his hopes up had been at the end of the deciding match of the Laver Cup when Roger played against Kyrgios. It had been that moment, when after Rogers brilliant win Rafa had jumped into his arms, as if there wasn’t a whole stadium watching them. That moment, when Roger had lowered his friend slowly and they had stared into each others eyes, both blushing a bit. At this moment, Rafa could have sworn he had seen something in that glimmer of Rogers eyes. But before he had even had the possibility of looking closer, the moment had been over and their team mates had been surrounding them. And from there on Rafa had decided that that glimmer was reason enough to investigate if there was indeed the potential for something more than friendship.
So here he was now, standing at the entrance of the location. It was a real party, that one could easily say. Nothing like the official ATP - celebrations after a big tournament. Rafa always hated those official Players-parties. There it was all about glamour and etiquette. That was the stuff Roger was really good at, but not him. He always preferred to have fun, dance and even have a few drinks if his training schedule allowed it. Aside from that, Rafa really didn’t think that he looked good in a tuxedo. But party was a private event, just as he liked it, only for the players and their closest friends and family. And hell, it was already on. The light was dimmed and there was a small dancefloor where there were already a few people with drinks in their hand, getting off to the music.
Rafa looked for Roger, but to his regret he couldn’t find him in the crowd. He noticed Dominic and Sasha standing together in a corner with Fernando, and decided to join them for the moment. There would be time to find Roger later. The time passed in vivid conversation and as the drinks got more and more, Rafa completely forgot about his initial plan to find Roger. That was until someone poked him into his back playfully. Slightly startled the Spaniard turned around, only to find mentioned Swiss standing right behind him. With one moment it seemed to be five degrees hotter, at least for Rafa. After all, Roger looked fucking incredible, and Rafa had already had far to much to drink to have one single rational thought at this sight.
“Hola Rogelio! Where have you been?”, he tried to play cool. “Haven’t seen you all night, no?”
“Hey Raf…”, Roger chuckled. “Sorry I had to take care of something important. A project of mine. But it’s finished now so no more excuses for tonight!” Roger winked at him and Rafas heart nearly skipped a beat.
“A project?! Now?!”, Rafa asked incredulous. “What could possibly be so important that it can’t wait until tomorrow? It’s the winners party, Roger! We won!” Rafa cheered, and the other three joined in with him.
“Actually…..I wanted to show it to you anyway”, Roger started, now slightly hesitant. “You want to come outside with me?”
That definitely came as a surprise. Rafa didn’t immediately know what to say. He quickly took a look at his other friends, who were sharing knowing looks. Slightly confused, he turned back to Roger and answered a bit perplex: “Yes…of course. Why not?”
With that he followed Roger and they past a door that led them outside to a surprisingly nice terrace. There was a small table with to chairs. As Rafa looked at it more closely, he noticed that there was something lying on that table. A package with quite a lot of surface, but not very thick. Reminded him of a painting, not huge but certainly not small either.
Roger took it into his hands before he started speaking again. “You probably wonder what this is all about. The truth is, this is the project I was talking about, more or less.”, he looked down on the package, carefully considering his next words. “I want to give that to you, as a gift…”
“What for…?”, was everything Rafa could get out of his mouth.
“For everything: The great time we had together all those years. For the great rivalry, for the great friendship. For you always doing your best and standing up, no matter how much the injuries make you fall. For you pushing me, every single match, every single point, forcing me to play my best tennis every single time. You have given the sport so much, and I think you don’t even know it. Without you we would have never been able to win the Laver Cup. Maybe you don’t think so, but I know it. The last week I have had a great time and the most fun in months, maybe even a year. And for that, Rafael, I want to thank you.”
Rafa just stood there, mouth open, processing what had just been said. He slowly approached Roger before starting: “It has been my pleasure all along Rogelio. There was no need of giving me a gift, but I appreciate it. Thank you…” He took the package into his hands. It was heavier than he expected.
“Open it…”, Roger said, with a gentle smile on his face.
With a few skilled movements Rafa removed the wrapping paper. In the bad lighting, he couldn’t identify what it was at first sight. But then, at closer examination, he realized that it was a photo collage. He took a look at Roger who was sitting across the table, still a smile on his face. Rafa was speechless. It wasn’t just any collage. It was about them. But these photos were nothing like those you could find on the internet or in the newspapers. These were far more intimate. Some of them were during matches, capturing glances to each other across the court, some caught those iconic net moments, that had always had that incredible tension between them. But the most of them were private ones, pictures from behind the scenes. There were quite a few from Laver Cup actually. Pictures of them having a laugh, ones of them coaching each other, and even the moment when Rafa had jumped into Rogers arms. Rafa gasped almost unnoticeable. They looked like a couple on this collage. Was that on purpose? Or did roger maybe not even notice it?
“Did…? Did you…? Did you…make this….”
“…for you?”, Roger finished for him. “Of course I made it for you. It is supposed to be a personal gift. Would be a little bit weird if someone else made it, don’t you think?”, he chuckled, and Rafa also had to let out a laugh.
“Where did you get these photographs?”, Rafa asked, still completely baffled.
“Some were made at the tournaments, others are from my private photographer, some are just spontaneous shots made by some friends.”
“Wow….that is just…amazing. Thank you so much, Rogelio! This means so much to me! I love it!” He stood up to give Roger a tight hug, which he reciprocated eagerly. Rafa buried his face at the crook of Rogers neck. They stayed like that for what felt like ages, but when they parted again they smiled at each other and sat down at the table again.
Roger looked at the collage again. “That have been a hell of a few weeks, haven’t they?”
Rafa laughed: “Yes certainly! More like a hell of a year, also!”
“Oh yes! Who are you telling that!?”
Rafa cringed at that. Roger was speaking about the divorce. Rafa really hadn’t intended to hit a painful spot there. He had to be really careful now… “How are you, Roger? After everything that has been going on in your life… How are the kids coping?”
“Actually, I’m pretty fine. I mean of course the divorce was difficult, especially figuring out how to manage our lives so that the kids don’t have to suffer. But now everything works out pretty well. Mirka and I manage to get along, for the kids sake. They are actually coping pretty well. Of course, it was a big change for them in the beginning. But now, I think they are just glad that their parents aren’t fighting all the time anymore. In hindsight, I have come to recognize that our marriage had been broken long before.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“We had been having problems for a long time before the divorce. A part of it was, that she was accusing me of having an affair and of being interested in someone else.” Rafas head snapped up at that. “I always denied it, but I think she never really believed me. When I think about it now, I figure she might have been right all along. Not about the affair part, of course, but about the part regarding having feelings for someone else…”, Roger finished.
Rafas eyes grew big at that. His puls started to quicken up. ‘Calm down, Rafael’, he told himself. ‘This doesn’t mean anything.’ He quickly calmed himself again before answering a short “Ohhh…”.
“But enough about me…”, Roger went on to change the subject. “What are you up to now that Laver Cup is over? And how is Xisca?”
“Well, for now I think I will go home, train and prepare for the US Open, you know? Nothing special. But I am actually quite excited to go back to Manacor, maybe I will even go out with the boat again, assuming the weather allows it.” Rafa made a short pause and took a deep breath. He was growing nervous again. “And when it comes to Meri….there is something that I want to tell you. Something I probably should have told you years ago…”
Now it was Rogers turn to get curious. “What is it, Raf? You know you can tell me anything, right?”
Rafa just nodded lightly. There was no going back now. “Meri and I…we actually aren’t a couple. We never were…”
Roger looked a little bit shocked, but mostly confused. “What? What do you mean?”
“Meri was never my girlfriend. She just pretended to be for the media. So that nobody would ask questions. That is why we never got married.”
“But why? Why would anyone ask questions? Why would you do that?”
Rafa took a deep breath again. “Because… The truth is… I am gay, Roger. And my team thinks, that as long as there is no pressing reason to, that I should not make it public.” Rafa looked at Roger, a little bit scared at his reaction.
Roger looked a little surprised, but not in a bad way. Again there was that glimmer in his eyes. “Wow…that’s…a surprise. I didn’t know that. I mean of course I didn’t know, since you aren’t out of the closet. Actually, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but who does know?”
For a few seconds Rafa was surprised, that Roger knew the terminology, but he shrugged it off and proceeded to answer the question: “I mean obviously Meri knows, and my family. Aside from them and my team, only my closest friends from the Spanish team and a few childhood friends from Manacor.” Roger looked slightly disappointed as he heard the list. “But no other ATP-players”, Rafa assured him. “So what do you think? Is this a problem for you?”
Roger laughed at that. “A problem? Why would that ever be a problem? You’re Rafael Nadal! It doesn’t change who you are in the slightest. You could wear a rainbow outfit and fix a pride flag onto your racquet and you would still wipe the floor with the rest of us, especially on clay. Nothing is ever going to change that.”
At that, they both burst into laughter, Rafa barely being able to contain himself. But after a minute or something like that, they calmed down again and Roger continued: “No but seriously, Rafa! You must never ask that question again. You are fantastic just the way you are, and if people can’t see it, then they are not worthy of you.” He put a hand on Rafas shoulders. “There is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong about being gay, and if they don’t accept it, it’s their problem not yours. You don’t need those people in your life.”
“Thank you, Rogelio”, Rafa answered. “That means a lot to me”
Roger removed his hand. “So, since there isn’t, quotation marks, a reason to make it public, I take it you don’t have a secret boyfriend?”, Roger asked, grinning at him.
Rafa blushed furiously, and he was pretty glad that the lighting on the terrace was pretty bad, so Roger couldn’t see it. “No I don’t….There is no one at the moment….”
“Ohhhh I know that look”, Roger chuckled. “There is someone…. There is nothing going on yet, but you wish there was, am I right?”
The Spaniard sighed, slightly embarrassed. “You’re right. You are always right. There is a guy. I have been in love with him for a very long time now. It’s been over ten years.”
“Ten Years?!! Oh my god…”, Roger couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Ten years was a fucking long time. Roger stilled for a bit. Ten years? That was 2007. He could never forget what had happened 2007 in Wimbledon. Could it be? Was there a chance that…? No…it was probably only a coincidence. Either way, he had to dig deeper. “So that guy…does he like you too? Why haven’t you made a move yet?”
“Well, first of all, he was in a relationship for most of the time, so there wasn’t really a point in making a move on him. And even if he would have been single, I never thought it would be possible that he has feelings for me. But now I’m actually not so sure any more…”
Rogers heart bet faster and faster. That description was fitting him perfectly. He couldn’t screw this up now. He looked deeply into Rafas eyes, practically trapping him with his gaze. “So what is stopping you now?” He asked softly, almost only a whisper, but still so clearly that Rafa could understand every word.
Rafas heart was racing. He began to sweat on his entire body. Was that it? Was that the sign? Was that the confirmation for what he had hoped for over a decade now? It seemed like it. But could he be sure? What if he was wrong? Panic started to rise. If he had read the signs incorrectly he could potentially destroy their friendship now. And that was the last thing he wanted to do. No, he needed help. He needed to find Fernando and ask him. He always had good advice when it came to stuff like that.
Rafa looked at their empty glasses and then smiled at him, to make sure it wasn’t looking like he was fleeing the scene. “Do you want another drink?”, he asked, while not breaking eye contact.
Roger smiled back before answering: “I would love that.”
“Great”, Rafa replied. “I will get us some”. With that he stood up and went inside. Unfortunately, he couldn’t find Fernando anywhere, and since he was basically the only person at this party that knew about his feelings for Roger, there was no one else he could ask for advice. So, he probably just had to deal with it by himself. When he went to get the drinks he had promised to Roger, he recognized a crushed looking Dominic at the bar counter. He looked completely miserable.
“Hola Dominic”, he greeted him gently. “Everything alright?”
“Oh hey, Rafa…” Dominic turned his head slightly to look at him. “No not really…”
Rafa sighed internally. He really didn’t want to play psychologist at the moment, regarding what was waiting outside for him, but he couldn’t just leave Dominic like that. So he sat down beside him. “What’s bothering you?” He tried to not sound too annoyed.
“I have a problem. I think I might be in love with Sasha…”, Dominic replied, not looking at him.
Wow. That was pretty straight forward. But then again, the Austrian definitely looked like he has had a lot of alcohol, and in this circumstance, it always was a lot easier to be brutally honest. Rafa couldn’t really say he was surprised though. Domi’s and Sasha’s relationship had always remembered him of the one he and Roger had. He had always suspected that there was the potential for more than friendship between the two of them.
“So what is the Problem?”, he asked him, trying not to sound harsh.
“What is the problem?!”, Domi asked ironically. “The problem is that he doesn’t love me back.”
“How can you be so sure?”
Dominic was silent for a few seconds before he spoke again. “I’m not. I’m not even sure what I am feeling. I don’t have the slightest of a clue about those kind of things. I have never been in a relationship that lasted longer than three months. I have no idea what this is. I have never had feelings for a man before, not to mention kissed one. How could I possibly know if I would even like it?”
Rafa thought about what to say next. There was no advice he could give without indicating that he had experience in this field. And as much as Rafa liked him, Dominic wasn’t exactly on the top of the list of his next coming outs. On the other hand, Domi was so drunk that he would probably forget the details of their conversation either way. So screw it. “Listen to me Dominic. As I am gay myself, I can talk from experience. You will just have to try it. I mean don’t get me wrong there are other ways of figuring out your sexuality, but believe me, this one is the fastest and the most efficient one. Just find yourself a guy you find attractive, flirt a little bit and then kiss him. What is the worst that can happen. In the best case, you have your answer, and in the worst case you get rejected.”
Dominic looked at him with an unreadable look, and before Rafa could even see it coming, the Austrian was kissing him. It was a clumsy kiss, with an awkward angle and really little finesse. It took Rafa took a few seconds before he realized what was happening and pushed Dominic away, who just looked at him with big eyes, completely out of breath.
“Dominic, I’m sorry but that was not what I meant.”, he looked at him with an apologizing face. “I’m not the right person to do that experiment with.”
At the realization at what he had just done, Dominic clasped his hands against his mouth. “Oh my god Rafa I’m so sorry! I don’t know why I did this. I’m so sorry!” And with that he turned around and ran away.
That was when Rafa saw it. Behind the crowd being loud and having fun there was Roger, standing at the door to the terrace. He looked completely and utterly devestated. Rafas heart broke at that sight. Shit! He had really fucked up. He was completey paralized, he couldn’t even move a centimeter.
Roger couldn’t believe what had just happened. So he did read that wrong. All this talk about his great love. Rafa was never talking about him. It was Dominic. It had always been Dominic. Roger had experienced some great pain in his live as an athlete and as a man. But never ever had he experienced anything like at that moment, when Rafa was kissing Dominic. And there the Spaniard was standing now, panic written all over his face, looking completely frozen in place. The tears threatened to overwhelm Roger. This was too much, he couldn’t endure that any longer. He had to get out of there. So he turned around and pushed through the door. As soon as he could feel the chilly he completely broke down in tears.
Only when he sees Roger fleeing through the door Rafa is able to move again. Shit! What had he done?! He had to fix this. He quickly tried to get to the other side of the crowd to reach the door to the terrace. When he finally got outside, he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Roger was there, at the end of the terrace, sitting on the floor and crying bitterly. It was the most heart wrenching thing he had ever seen. Slowly he tried to approach the other man.
“Go away. Please. Don’t make this any harder for me.” Roger didn’t sound angry, only completely broken.
“Rogelio…”
“Don’t call me that!” Now Roger was getting angry. “You don’t get to use that name!”
“Roger was is not what it looked like…”, Rafa tried again.
“Oh no? I’ll tell you what it looked like. To me it looked like you were kissing Dominic Thiem. Is that accurate enough or should it describe it in more detail?”, Roger was sounding as if he would break into pieces any time.
“That is not what happened, Roger.”, Rafa replied calmly.
“So you want to tell me that the two of you didn’t kiss?”
“No”, Rafa went on. If he wanted to fix this he had to be honest now. Completely honest. “But he was the one that was kissing me. And as soon as I realized what was going on I pushed him away.”
Roger now stood up and turned to him. His face was completely wet with tears and so look was so pained that Rafa could barely look at him. Roger gave him a requesting look, telling without words to go on.
“Dominic was having a crisis. He is in love with Sasha, at least he thinks he is. But he isn’t sure he’s even gay or anything like that. After a bit of hesitation I told him I knew the situation he was in because I was gay as well. I told him that he should get a guy to flirt with and then kiss him so that he could find out if he even likes men in the first place. And somehow, he misunderstood that as a offer from my side. So he kissed me, probably only because I was convenient at the time, and he was far too drunk to think straight. But as I told you, as soon as I knew what was happening I pushed him away.”
“Why would you push him away? After all it is all you have ever dreamed of, isn’t it?”, Roger didn’t sound angry anymore, just very sad.
“What? Sorry I don’t understand what you mean.”, now Rafa was just confused.
“Why would you push him away? That isn’t exactly the kind of reaction I would have if the person I have been in love with spontaneously decides to kiss me. “
“Oh my god…”, Rafa began, now understanding what roger was talking about. “You can’t really think that I was talking about him earlier…” Roger just looked at him for further elaboration.
“Rogelio, please do the counting. Ten years ago what year was that?”, he asked while slowly and carefully walking to Roger.
“2007”
“Correct. I didn’t even know Dominic at that time, apart from the fact that he was only thirteen years old at that time.” Roger just stared at him so Rafa carried on. “But you know what did happen?”
Rafa turned around and went quickly to the table where they had sat before to grab the collage. He went back to stand before Roger and pointed on the picture that showed both of them at Wimbledon 2007.
“That is what happened in 2007. I played my first Wimbledon finale against this amazing guy. He had this amazing personality, the most beautiful tennis play I had ever seen, and this incredibly pure heart. And that day I fell in love with him.”
Rogers face stared to relax a little bit, and there was another tear coming down.
“Do you know what on of the first thing I thought when I saw the collage was? I thought: ‘How on earth is there any possibility that you can not see how in love with you I am. But since that seems to be the case, I will walk you through a few of this pictures, no?” He at first pointed at the one from the trophy ceremony of the Australian Open 2009. “Australian Open 2009 at the trophy ceremony. You were crying and it was breaking my heart. I buried my head into your neck trying to comfort you…in front of the whole stadium. Why? Because I was in love with you.” Next one he pointed on a photograph from that one TV spot the had filmed one time. “That promo clip for our exhibition match. You completely lost it because of my funny accent. I loved the way you laughed and I couldn’t get enough of it. Which is why I didn’t even try to hide my accent as much as possible. Why? Because I was in love with you.” Now he was pointing at a picture where his was shot while staring longingly at Roger who had been laughing at the time. “Here I’m looking at you enjoying a joke. That longing look. I was directing it at you every time I thought you couldn’t see me. Why? Because I was in love with you and I thought I could never have you. And last but not least:”
Rafa pointed at the picture that showed him in Rogers arms the Moment Roger had won the match. He took the older mans cheek into his face and looked deeply into his eyes.
“Today has been the finale of an amazing few weeks. Spending so much time with you was all I could have ever dreamed of. And playing doubles with you has been one of the best tennis experiences of my entire career. In this picture I was jumping into your arms in front of the entire crowd. I was so proud of you that I can’t even describe how much exactly. I have always been proud of you, even when you won against me. But being able to be there with you, to celebrate with you, that is one of the happiest experiences of my entire life. So tell me, why? Why is that, Rogelio?”
Rafa put down the Collage and then took Rogers face into both of his face and wept away the remaining tears. Roger was now smiling but some of the earlier tears had still not dried. The Swiss looked at him as if Rafa was the most beautiful human being he had ever seen. His eyes were so full of love, that Rafas heart threatened to burst out of his chest.
“Because you are in love with me”, he answered quietly.
“Because I am in love with you”, Rafael confirmed. “Te amo, Rogelio.”
“I love you too, Rafa.” It was simple. But it was honest and there was no doubt whatsoever that Roger meant it.
At this moment Rafa couldn’t hold back any longer. He finally pulled Roger in for a Kiss. It wasn’t anything like he had imagined their first kiss. He had always thought it would be hot and heated. But this was nothing like that. Their kiss was slowly. Passionate and sweet at the same time. It was telling a story. The story of two men who had to wait ten years to get the love they had both desired deeply within for such a long time. The story of two men who could finally, beside their friendship and rivalry, add love as something that connected them to each other. This kiss was just nothing less than perfect. But as all the good things must end, so did they have to break apart eventually.
“Wow…”, Rafa was the first one to talk again.
“Indeed…wow…”, Roger agreed with a slight grin.
“I’m not usually one to abandon parties like that early”, he started: “but what do you think of getting out of here.”
Roger gave him a short little peck on the lips before answering: “I would love that.”
At that, Rafa took the collage into his right hand and rogers hand into his left one and they went to leave together. They didn’t say bye to any of the other guys of Team Europe, since neither of them seemed to have even noticed their absence. When they were about to go through the front door. Roger noticed some movements in the shadows. He couldn’t identify them at the first moment, but after having a closer look, he saw that it was Sasha and Dominic, pressed against the wall and kissing.
“Well”, Roger turned to Rafa and spoke quietly. “Seems like his little sexuality experiment did work in the end. I’m really happy for them. Although I would appreciate it if in the future he would leave my boyfriend out of it…”
Rafa just chuckled and dragged him through the door to the outside. Boyfriend. He really liked the sound of that.
THE END