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Chapter Text

If Kara was being honest, which truthfully, she never was, she would admit to saying or doing quite a few things… differently. It was some sort of a joke, really. To be the daughter of a judge and a scientist, both truth seekers somehow, and yet, to be compelled to a life of elaborate lies. Lifesaving lies but lies nonetheless. To go from a black and white world, with good and bad and right and wrong, to an infinity of grey areas. Indeed, lying was a lesson she learnt late enough in her life but a lesson she yet had to master quickly.

Thank Rao, she was quite the geek when it came to learning about new civilization customs and history, and thank God, she was socially gifted enough to adjust and adapt swiftly. Though humans were indeed a strange species of their own, and despite her best efforts, Kara never quite managed to fit in. She’d blend. They’d buy her nerdy dorky klutzy act. It’d have to do.

But ok, maybe Kryptonians were odd too. Memories of Krypton tended to be fuzzy and blurry. It was sounds and sensations, images and mere feelings. Sometimes, a bunch of random knowledge that would pop up there and then, without her having much control over it. Although the more she remembered, either from external sources or while facing the bare truth, the greater the deception. “A dead man is a great man” she once heard an earthling profess to another earthling. The phrase stuck, haunted her for years, before she could finally make sense of it. Yes, humans tend to magnify the dead, forget their flaws, embellish the details. She supposed she unwillingly ended up doing the same, too.

Insight doesn’t stand the march of time. It twists, expands, warps. What you once held true ends up being a mere fraction of the whole view. She may have lacked insight, so many times.

Time.

The strangest truth of all – so pliant, so expansible, unreachable yet inescapable – she absently thought, as her eyes were wandering another kind of expanse. Light, a fragment of time, was reflecting on the alabaster skin of Lena's nape, ricocheting back to Kara’s irises, allowing her brain to make sense of this reality…

If Kara was honest, she would start by admitting, although excruciating, being exposed to red Kryptonite had been… a somewhat illuminating experience. To rejoice and revel in the supreme feeling of being a god amongst mere mortals, capable of crushing them like ants, at the will of a toe. Embracing the exhilarating sensation of being worshiped by all those petty souls. The surge of adrenaline to be able to speak freely, act freely. No more restraint.

Well, truth does hurt; truth is ugly and painful. This truth about herself sure was one she’d swiftly send back to oblivion whenever it’d resurface. Not all truths are good to be told. Not all veils are meant to be lifted.

Denial was a many splendored things.

But, yes.

Yes…

If Kara was honest, she would… eventually… admit that she was madly in love with her “best friend” and that she had been for quite some time, now.

Pinpoint #302

She remembered it with clarity, the first moment she felt attracted physically to Lena. It had been a few months since she had to make the most painful sacrifice of all, as she used Myriad and sent Mon-El away. Not knowing what happened to him or whether he was still alive was killing her, and no matter how much she tried to work through it, pretending that as a Kryptonian, she was above petty human emotions, she just couldn’t let go. As much as she hated Kara Danvers and was trying to be Supergirl only, she just couldn’t. Denying herself as a whole being wasn’t working very well, and everybody was starting to get fed up with Kara being an honest to god jerk with them all.

It was another day at Catco. Well, another day at Catco, but under Lena’s management, so it wasn’t exactly “another day”, but still. She had work to do, reporter work, yet she’d rather forget herself into punching rogue aliens until she’d feel too numb to actually concentrate, and Lena was finally done with it.

She walked to her desk – elegant as always – and leaned against it, sagging ever so slightly, asserting her hierarchic ascend towards Kara nevertheless. She was sympathetic, much like the rest of the Superfriends, and it infuriated Kara to no end. She closed in on herself, spitting venom like the tiny terrified snake she was being as of late.

“I don’t want to talk about personal things at my job. I have work to do.”

“Okay. Then let’s talk about work.”

They were both standing now. Kara was so used to people standing down when she would stand up, that when Lena simply straightened her posture to face her, she felt a bit taken aback. In a fraction of time, Lena went from compassionate friend to serious boss. And regardless their size difference or the fact that Kara was the one with preternatural abilities, she suddenly felt very clearly who was winning this power play. And it wasn’t her.

While Lena was, however, being quite understanding and reasonable; being both a good boss and a good friend, Kara suddenly lost track of reality as something spurred deep down inside her. Right here, right now, she felt urgently attracted to Lena. At this moment in time and space, it transfixed her, the feeling clear as day: she was finding Lena sexy. Not pretty or elegant or even gorgeous, like she’d thought at times, but actually sexy.

It took all the restraint she possessed not to jump her, there and then. And while Kara knew it was inappropriate, borderline disrespectful, she found it positively hard to pay attention to what Lena was saying. A movie was rolling in her mind about how much she wanted to push Lena against the wall of a supply closet and unravel her without further ado.

The vision was gone in a flash, and Kara was muttering mechanical apologies, setting back to friendly-adorkable-Kara mode again. She caved then, said she would get in touch with Lena’s contact, then Lena thanked her and left and Kara watched her leave, feeling emptier than she’d ever been during these past few months.

Pinpoint #201

Yet, it had started innocently enough. The first time she met Lena, she felt that magnetic pull, that atomic connection between them. But it wasn’t love; it was admiration. She was attracted yes, but like a magnet to another magnet, an atom to another; a calathea to the sun. She remembered how the first thing that crossed her mind when Lena asked her “who she was, exactly” was a Kryptonese word, which the closest English interpretation could be roughly translated as: “sooo cooooool!”

But she was there for business, so she sucked it up and well, she barely got to say anything anyway, because Kal and Lena just ping-ponged gibes at each other for the following minutes. Silently, Kara kept studying the young Luthor with intense curiosity until the end of this “interview”, or whatever it truly was...

Meeting Lena had been a revelation. Of course, Kara knew of powerful women; both her mothers were fine examples of such, even her sister, or Cat Grant of course. Now, Lena was something else entirely. She was both strong and vulnerable, and it would show in her every movement, in every flutter of her eyelash, in every word she uttered. She was a paradox, a complex mix of things; evil and good, light and darkness, tradition and change. She too, had to be strong despite everything. She too had to learn how to wear a mask and face everyone. Had to learn how to fit in a home she never chose, in a family she never chose, and against a world that never wanted her. That was probably why something echoed so deep in Kara. Why she felt something utterly familiar and at the same time completely foreign. Because Lena could be both vulnerable and strong when Kara never had any other choice but to be strong.

Eventually, when they parted on that hopeful note to talk again, Kara found herself answering sincerely. Lena stirred in her a feeling – a trait, rather – she had long forgotten; a desire for possession. On Krypton, she wasn’t used to being resisted. What she wanted she had. And Rao, did she want Lena.

And thus, as simple as that, she began her conquest. And soon enough, she won. Foresight, however, never had been Kara’s forte. And what she belatedly realized was that she did win Lena to her side. But she won her whole; body and mind, heart and soul. A devotion so pure she wasn't prepared for.

She may, if she was honest, have lacked the hindsight… but she thought she’d find a way. With time. Time, as she’d learnt, was the key to all. She was clever, she was socially crafty. She’d make it right again. For sure.

She may have lacked hindsight…

Pinpoint #212

You see, it’s the moment Kara entered her closeted office, after being informed of an unusual delivery, that was definitely the starting point of her guilt trip. The scent of the flowers almost got her dizzy as she shut the door – and her eyes – instantaneously.

Oh Rao… this was bad. Very bad.

Why? What did she miss? Was there a commonly accepted yet unspoken rule on Earth about your bestie inevitably falling for you no matter what? Did someone forget to pass her the memo? She sighed as she sagged a bit against the door.

Crap! yes, of course, Kara had spotted the little teasing in Lena’s demeanor, but it'd been evasive enough to be dismissed!

But this time, it really didn’t take a genius to see the parallel in that: Lena, overflowing her office the same day Mxy overflew her loft… At least Mxy’s roses had the decency to disappear into thin air…

Seriously! It was quite overkill to send a literal quintal of flowers to your “best friend” on valentine’s day, and calling them “your hero”, and looking at them the way Lena looked at Kara, and… and all that in the span of a few hours!

She sighed again. Maybe she did miss something. Maybe she was acting in a deceiving manner without knowing…? She’d spent so many hours reading and watching and learning all and everything about human social interactions. But still today, there were times she just felt like she was missing a clue.

Like… Lena was socially awkward enough for this gesture to simply be an eccentric largesse from an aristocratic earthling, right? Luthors were quite a breed of their own, after all…

… Right?

Rao! Who was she kidding? She was the one who insisted, who slithered in Lena’s life, slowly but surely, untying the knots of her intricate system of defense, gently smashing down her walls one after the other. She watched Lena haltingly becoming vulnerable to her contact; Lena, who once said she wasn’t here to make friends…

Kara just wanted Lena to be her friend – so badly. She’d never thought things could go sideways.

But… but granted… maybe she should have pulled back when she started to realize something was gradually shifting in Lena’s behavior. A little light, quietly growing, that Kara noticed from the very first sharp inhale at the lightest inadvertent brush of her forearm against Lena’s – that very first moment when her breath caught, ever so slightly; subtle imperceptible sound...

She should have backtracked… put some extra distance between them. Because she knew about those things, she could feel people’s arousal. She could distinguish when Lena was enthusiastic, passionate or excited. Of course, anyone paying enough attention could probably also tell the difference, but Kara could hear the change of pattern in Lena’s heart rate when she was around her. And she knew it wasn’t the same pattern as when Lena was around Supergirl. Around the hero, Lena would be aroused and Kara could smell how her sweat would become filled with a more distinctive sour scent; she could see her friend’s body irradiating with a different kind of colors, warm temperatures, in very specific places… Rao, she could practically see Lena’s electromagnetic field modulate before her very eyes.

And she knew Lena was… not like that around Kara.

She should have backtracked…

But– but if now things were cool with Winn and James… maybe, maybe it was still possible to make things right again with Lena? Maybe she could put things in order and they would be just friends again and.

Yes.

She would find a way.

She’d always find a way.

Chapter Text

“Of this, at least, I feel assured, that there is no such thing as forgetting possible to the mind; a thousand accidents may and will interpose a veil between our present consciousness and the secret inscriptions on the mind; accidents of the same sort will also rend away this veil; but alike, whether veiled or unveiled, the inscription remains for ever; just as the stars seem to withdraw before the common light of day, whereas in fact we all know that it is the light which is drawn over them as a veil; and that they are waiting to be revealed, when the obscuring daylight shall have withdrawn.”

Confessions of an English Opium Eater, Thomas De Quincey

It was another game night. Another random evening, quiet and unmemorable. They had become somewhat less frequent now that the group was dispersed.

Kara wasn’t exactly sure what was the reason for her mind to be wondering about grave matters when the rest of her friends seemed to have a great time. Alex and J’onn were laughing about some DEO business, Brainy and Nia were trying to connect with each other and the rest of the group, like the introverted lastcomers that they were, and Lena was tenderly stroking James’ cheek, elegantly holding her glass of wine.

Maybe it was because, with the group finally reunited, she was sitting alone; maybe it was because her mind wasn’t occupied by any game, as they were taking a little break. Maybe it was because lately, she was having remnant thoughts and compulsive images more and more often. Sometimes, it was just mere sensations. As she quietly shook off her head to make them go away, her eyes met Alex’s to whom she smiled to, wanting to reassure her sister before the latter would get a chance to worry, and eventually, they ended up landing on Lena. Lena, who was giggling with happiness in James' arms…

“You know, I’m up all night. Just thinking about it. And if I’m being honest, I realize that I’ve had thoughts like this before.”

Insight does not stand the march of time. What you once held true ends up being a twisted forgery, perspectives painfully built back to senses by a bunch of excited neurons. Layers of layers of intricate inscriptions, disseminated like spores all around your brain. Faltered engrams that would settle down, like strata over strata of sediments of another lifetime. Yet, the briefest sound, the most evanescent scent, the most furtive silhouette would revive the stillness abruptly, lighting it all up like a firework. Making all that dust living memory once again.

Pinpoint #206

“You remember my best friend in high school, Vicky? I used to love sleeping over at her house. I think I felt something then, and it scared me.”

Vivid as the day it happened, Alex’s voice was ringing in Kara’s ear, and she could feel the bright sun blinding her eyes and warming her skin. They were sitting on a bench near the riverside. Alex had been acting weird all morning and she was now opening herself to Kara with an apparent discomfort. Kara was feeling a mixture of sadness and empathy for her sister. It did seem to cause Alex a specific kind of pain to admit to her sister, the person she felt the closest to, that she was attracted to another woman.

Kara was feeling completely disarmed and confused. Everything she tried to say sounded off and she hated herself, for she would usually be so skillful in such situations. But this conversation was… different. She didn’t realize, at that time, how much it moved her to listen to her sister’s coming out.

She had learned that “homosexuality”, as humans called it, had been an issue for the longest time, even criminalized during some periods. Although, she always had a hard time to truly understand why. On Krypton, you were not really given a choice, so it wasn’t a question to begin with. And while Kara observed humankind, she wondered whether freedom of choice was really a better option.

All her life, she hadn’t really given much thought about all of this. On Krypton, she was too young to care about it anyway. On Earth, too traumatized and overwhelmed to even think about anything save for survival. And by the time she was finding her bearings, and vaguely started to wonder about such matters, she had far more pressing issues to deal with than pondering about what would turn her on…

“I shoved that memory down so deep inside, like it never happened. I’m remembering stuff like that, now.”

Yes… memories… Kara couldn’t understand why, but lately she was going through a somewhat similar experience. Indeed, she’d been reliving memories, watching them, as one would a movie, from an external perspective. Although she claimed she felt like having everything under her control, it seemed her thoughts were successfully escaping this deft grip. She’d watch the movie of her relationship with Lena unfold before her eyes, and as it did, it was becoming increasingly harder to pretend this was all just friendship.

Oh, she’d become so good at this, though. As practice makes perfect, she’d become an expert at dismissing the facts. All those little details.

The little pinch in her heart when she arrived at Catco to discover her office overflowing with flowers? (That stupid office she never chose to work in, because, well, she needs the sunlight...) Why, it was simply joy – who doesn’t like receiving flowers? – and yes, a bit of guilt too. But she wasn’t responsible for Lena’s actions, was she?

That other pinch, when Lena turned up at her loft, desperate and pleading, begging for Kara’s help to face her past? The little squeeze at the realization that oh, Rao, Lena was, by any means, a sexual being, with a sexual past – and oh my, what a past… – well that? That was just the bitter setback of realizing she’d been wrong in assuming that Lena was ga– God! Just because she met the Luthor at the same time Alex met Maggie, it didn’t mean– Pfff, what a fool!

And what, that bite when Lena told her she had a fantastic new partner? Come on, it was a work partner, why would Kara feel threatened? The twitch when Lena introduced Kara to Sam? Just a little dread of losing her best friend status, that’s all. The throb when Lena told her she’d bought Catco? Excitement of course.

The hitch when Lena stood up at her desk and bossed her around…? Surely, given all the romcoms she’d watched, it was okay, on Earth, to lust – just a little bit – after your best friend… especially when you were still mourning for your ex, right?

The hitch she’d feel every time she’d tease Lena, ever so slightly – almost innocently –, in a way she'd never teased her boss before… never teased Lena before… never teased, well anyone, like that, before… It was… it was simply the thrill of playing with fire… or something like that…

But then, when Lena’s heart rate started to race faster around James’ presence… the pang in her heart felt more like a sting. Like a Kryptonite knife being twisted about and making it hard to breathe. Making it hard to deny, this time.

But it was better this way, she thought.

It was better this way, because this way, Lena would really just be her friend, and nothing more. Because this way, she wouldn’t have to face the guilt of seducing Lena without even having had the decency of telling her the truth.

So yes, it was better this way because then, things could finally get easier with Lena. And because, in hindsight, when Mon-El came back into her life, things became anything but easier…

It was all coming back to her, and more. And she would feel increasingly stupid and naïve. How could people’s emotional state be so easy to read for her, albeit her own, so hard to decipher…

Insight does not stand the march of time. You think you’ve got it all, you think you know the ins and outs, you think you see so clearly. But really, you’re just fumbling about, cyclops amongst the blinds, and you mistake yourself for a god, once again. Yet, one pair of eyes can have but one point of view.

That was the lesson she’d learned lately…

Therefore, if you were to ask her now, Kara would tell you she used to think she was good with people. Which wasn’t exactly wrong, per se. She was socially crafty. She knew how to make people like her. She’d learned to…

But seduction was a double-edged sword.

Birthed by her very own desire to be loved and belong, she'd compiled data, observation, analysis, information; until she would understand the cogs and gears of human social interactions. Yet, she never realized that to desire to be loved by anyone and everyone was a risky game to play. Sure, it'd stopped the bullying and the exclusion, sure it'd granted her the job she wanted, sure it'd made her life quite easier. But it also made her life quite complicated too. It was how she ended up with people falling for her simply because she was nice to them. Because humans so easily mistake being gentle with being flirty. It was how she ended up with having no real friends, besides her sister and how, in the end, she was still feeling lonely, no matter how many people she was able to charm.

It took the arrival of people like Sam, and Brainy, and Nia to have her realize this much. To have her understand that, even though she was very much capable of understanding how relationships worked and how to be nice with people, she was quite a mess when it came to handling close interpersonal relationships.

How she was quite unskilled when it came to setting up the appropriate distance with friends, colleagues, and lovers. And how, eventually, the only kind of relationships she was able to nourish with ease were the familial ones.

It took befriending them three to understand what it felt like to be friends with someone you don’t desire and who doesn’t desire you either.

So yes, if you were to ask her now, she’d tell you how, involuntarily and unconsciously, she’d pushed Lena away. She’d tell you how having such a strong woman making moves on her was a little bit too unsettling and confusing. Because this time it was real, because this time it wouldn’t be some innocent schoolyard crush. Because this time, it would mean getting it, for real. And she would tell you how, in a time of so many changes, she felt conflicted enough already as it was, and that she’d already dived deep enough to take a deeper dive.

She’d tell you that Mon-El was a safer bet. That she saw in him the opportunity she’d never been given. She'd lost so many people, so many times, that she would have given anything for a second chance. He felt like she could finally fulfill the mission she’d been entrusted with, finally make her parents proud; honor their memory. Make sense of that cruel and unfair fate. Grieve.

That was, after all, the only pattern she’d ever known. To be taken care of and made stronger.

She’d tell you that, at that time, she truly believed they would connect through the history they shared, despite their differences. She would also admit – a tad unwillingly – that she felt more at ease with the idea of going somewhere near the whole, sexual intimacy thing, with someone she wouldn’t fear to crush inadvertently. That part was actually really reassuring. Intimacy had always been complicated enough, what with all the sensorial enhanced perceptions and super strength. So, sex was something she’d simply… something she’d rather… well, there were so many other things to enjoy here on Earth, without being afraid all the time, right? So why bother…

(And were they to break her bed with Mon-El, it wouldn’t be a problem. Well, actually, it had been, because the one time it happened, he felt quite proud and she felt quite pissed. But she made him pay for a new one.)

(Whatever.)

So, yes, Mon-El was a safer bet. And, Kara didn’t like to admit it, but… he was easier to control too.

Lena had never been some kind of stray puppy she could have trained, or educated or molded accordingly to her own standards. Lena had her own opinions, values, and she was standing strong before them. She had her own vision of the world and it clashed with Kara’s, and there was nothing she could do about it. Contrarily to what she’d always known, being educated or educate, being folded or fold, follow or be the example, Lena would always stand out. She’d always stand up. And no matter whether Kara would present herself before the Luthor as the adorkable best friend or the mighty champion of Earth, Lena would never even flinch a muscle. It was simply in her nature, to have the world at her feet.

Admittedly, you don’t make a Luthor kneel.

So, they’d fight, they’d stand for what they believed in, over and over again. Time and time again. Interestingly, Kara thought, it’d never feel the same as when she was fighting with Mon-El. Or with Alex, or J’onn or Eliza; or anyone, really. And very much surely, even though they were not always on the same page, it was probably why she’d keep coming back to Lena, always.

This power play, this battle for dominance… with someone she could so easily crush, and who still stood as if her equal, was, truth be told, rather attractive…

On that matter, Kara would simply have to admit Lena was indeed her equal. They both had a higher degree of education, both of blue blood descending; entitled to own and dispose of whatever and whomever it shall please them. It was maybe the only time Mon-El was right about something, she thought, when they didn’t know each other that much. Kara had refused to admit it, refused to let him have a point, because she’d never been too keen on this part of herself.

In hindsight, it’s probably why she’d let it slide so easily with Lena. As much as a self-entitled prick the Luthor could prove to be, Kara would recognize so much of her in Lena that she’d simply go easy on her. Because she knew, deep down, they were quite alike.

So, yes, she made things this way. She chose to put a greater distance with Lena, because it was easier to handle. And because for once in her life, she’d thought she might have it all, this time around, if she chose to cast Lena for the role of her best friend, and Mon-El, her boyfriend.

Freedom of choice was such a pain in the ass.

But, as the relationships she designed bloomed the way she intended them to, she felt great. She felt in control. And in turn, this would make her feel at peace with herself.

So it was only fair, a fitting whiplash of fate, if she was now to endure watching those longed lips pressing against those once longed lips and be compelled to silence. As she watched them kiss, she wondered if Lena kneeled for James.

Then, she almost choked on her drink, causing everyone’s attention to focus on her.

As she coughed out and some tiny tears sparkled at the crinkle of her eyes, she dismissed the sudden stir with some stuttered excuses and wavering hands, to invite everyone to resume the game night.

She stood up and went to her room to change the sweater she just stained, wanting to slap herself. Rao, what a freaking mess she was! Why would she even think about such things?

While she was pulling over a new sweatshirt, Alex joined her in her room: “Jeez Kara, what the hell was that? You seen a spider or something?” She joked, teasingly and a little tipsy.

Kara simply sighed: “No, I just… I just got distracted.”

“Distracted?” Alex repeated, gently probing her sister’s shoulder. “Could you see the headlines?” She started giggling, then lowering her voice, “Supergirl, killed by ‘a distraction’!” before bursting into a full-on laughter.

Alex was so happy with her bad joke that Kara smiled fondly, before she answered: “Yeah… that'd sure look bad!”

“Ah!” Alex sighed, regaining her composure. “You dork!” She smiled at her sister gently, “come on, Nia’s insisting that we play the new game she bought. It’s about kittens and explosions. Or something like that…”

Kara frowned at the perspective but added nothing, letting Alex drag her back to the living room.

At least this would be a welcomed distraction...

Chapter Text

"Try to understand, having this possible life in your eyes, terrible but beautiful; too beautiful. And the fear that takes me back always, again and again, like the ever-returning tide. That life in my eyes, every day again. The phantoms. The urge to give in, the fear of doing it. You'd go crazy, you’d ought to do something, and that's what I did.

I’ve disarmed misery, I’ve disabled despair.
All those desires, I’ve locked them all away.”

Inspired from Novecento, Alessandro Barrucci.

Humans have this weird custom where they’d wait after the new year to make new resolutions. It would make some kind of sense, Kara had always thought: new year, new beginning. But she had trouble understanding the need to wait for the end of the year. Why not do that at the beginning of your favorite month or at the beginning of a new season? What was so special about Earth achieving its full revolution? On a day humans chose deliberately, with that, and without any means of knowing if that day was the day Earth had actually completed its rotation… the circle thing made sense, but then, why not do it every new moon? This, at least, was far easier to track.

Anyways.

Kara was not human, was she? So, she had long decided she would write off such mundane limitations and choose, by her own volition, when and where she’d make new resolutions. And if it was to happen in the very middle of the month of November, then so be it.

What Kara had resolved to do was simply to stop having feelings for Lena.

Yes.

Simply.

If she had been able to successfully avoid dealing with her feelings for all this time, suppressing them altogether and shoving them away would be a piece of cake.

Wasn’t it, after all, her greatest quality? To forget her own desires for other’s happiness, and perpetually sacrificing herself for some greater good she was less and less convinced of…

If Lena was finally happy with someone that wasn’t her, well, so be it. Who was she to take that away from her? You’d think she was dense to think this way. She would too, as she was peering down the city through her window. But to put it like that was reductive and simplistic.

The reason she’d come to that resolution was because James was giving Lena something Kara never could.

Honesty.

As Kara was compelled to look at the truth of her feelings in the face, she couldn’t help but know she was doomed. Revealing her dual identity would shatter her friendship with Lena, a bond already so fragile and constantly threatened. Kara was conflicted enough with not being able to tell Lena the truth while just being her “friend”, so not telling her the truth while being her girlfriend was simply not an option. Even with all the moral code-bending she’d been doing her entire life just to stay sane, there were lines she wouldn’t cross.

Now that Lena had found a sense of stability and a means to be happy and loved, she would be nothing but the most selfish monster to take that away from her.

Lena had moved on.

So should she.

…

Kara was not human, okay?

Or so she liked to convince herself every time she felt powerless. All the while refusing obstinately to admit the qualities usually defined as pertaining to humankind were, in fact, quite common among the animal kingdom. And, as a matter of fact, among the vast majority of lifeforms.

Therefore, in her resolute blindness, she was committing rather frequently the very mistake of being quite human.

This was how, even after making the decision to shut her feelings for Lena down and lock them away, she found herself incapable of making the matching choices.

And this was how she eventually ended up sleeping with her best friend.

*****

Why, in the first place, did Lena refuse with such stubbornness to sleep with Kara, she’d always wondered.

She first assumed it was because Lena was pretty much as overbooked as Kara, which was frankly quite the achievement. Then, she’d assumed it was because Lena was no masochist, and wouldn’t put herself through the agony of sleeping in the bed of the girl she loved – which was, well, fair. Then, eventually, she assumed it was because Lena’s sole solace in life was to indulge in her sanity-saving routine, which she could only achieve in her penthouse. Indeed, only there could she shower before going to bed and sleep in her own bed, in her own linen sheets. Only there could she get through her miracle morning by showering again, and carefully picking the right clothes, neatly making her face up, as one would put on an armor, to face whatever struggle life would throw at her. Only there could she finally take the only 3 full minutes of her entire day for herself, to savor her espresso, before she’d storm out to save the world.

Yet, tonight, with Lena’s toes curled against her own thigh under the blanket, finishing their marathon of Planet Earth, Kara was once again wondering why. Why did Lena never stay to sleep over?

Why, now that they were really just friends, that the world was saved, that the summer went by, that everything was right and in order and in control – as Kara had always wanted it to be – wouldn’t she stay?

Kara for sure wasn’t one to be easily deterred, so when she heard Lena twist her wrist to check the time, she didn’t even bother to turn her head. She just let the charade play its natural course.

“Kara, it’s getting late…” Lena said, like clockwork.

Kara turned her head, as if on cue, and asked in turn: “Would you like to stay over?”

Reciting her lines, Lena continued: “Oh no, it’s okay, don’t worry! I’ll just call my driv–” at this point, Kara wouldn’t even listen anymore. There was always a reason.

What exactly happened that night that made Kara cut Lena mid sentence, she wasn’t sure, but she did: “Why? Why do you never stay over?” she let out, straightforward and firm, before internally scolding herself.

Crap.

“… I…” Double Crap. 

“Aaa... I mean! Is this, I, I just, you know I don’t take things personally,” Kara let out a forced chuckle, “but I just, I just wondered… I…” she sighed internally. She never managed to be upfront about this kind of things with Lena. But, at least, it was out now, anyway. No turning back.

“Oh God, Kara! No! I, oh,” the look in Lena’s eyes was so sympathetic and endearing, her brows furrowed in a worried wrinkle. She truly looked sorry, “I’ve just always assumed you were being polite.”

Being polite? Rao, and she was supposed to be the bad liar? Please.

Kara chuckled, genuinely this time: “Even after the 50th time I’ve asked?” She couldn’t help but tease. Lena flashed her an honest wide smile, before sighing and faking to be displeased at being caught. 

But then she turned her head away from Kara’s gaze as she answered: “Alright. It’s nothing personal, Kara. It’s just very hard, for me, to sleep next to someone. To sleep outside my bed. Outside of my comfort zone.” Kara nodded silently. “But I meant it. I know how generous you are, to all of your friends. There really is a part of me that was convinced you were simply being... yes, polite.” Then, a pause, and: “Do you want me to..? Stay? Tonight?” She added, now looking at Kara. 

A longer pause, eyes locked on each other's: “I do.” Kara simply answered.

Lena smiled at her: “Okay then.” She whispered weakly.

“I… really?!” Kara exclaimed; voice high-pitched with the sudden surprise. Lena grimaced and wrinkled her eyes slightly. Kara immediately corrected her tone, apologetic: “I- sorry, I, I thought, I don– I don’t wanna force you.” She stammered, a bit frantic.

“Kara. You asked, I answered.” In the chest of the Kryptonian, a sudden swirl of emotion was bursting to life. She was both troubled yet enthusiastic, so much so she practically jumped out of the couch with a renewed wave of energy.

“I, right! Let me get you a–” Kara came to a halt, considering what Lena could need, “a… huh, well… I don’t have a spare toothbrush, but huh, you can huh– use mine?” Oh Rao, the look on Lena’s face. Too soon, ok too soon.

“I’ll accept a towel and some spare clothes, if you have that in stock.” Lena politely suggested. Kara laughed heartily, feeling all sorts of emotions, all going different ways, like drops of a spring splashing against sun-kissed marble. With sparkles in her eyes, she went to her room and came back with the goods.

“I’m afraid I only have, like, my uni sweaters…” She stated, a bit dimly, almost sorry because she was convinced, deep inside, that even at night, Lena would never wear such kind of outfits. Yet, Lena smiled back at her and grabbed the towel and said clothes.

“It’s alright, Kara. You’ve seen me eating fries.” And with that, she simply went to the bathroom and prepped for the night.

Kara, on the other hand, stood still, incredulously. Her heart was pounding so fast. She was almost frozen by what was happening. To be honest, she didn’t think Lena would agree. And what was she supposed to wear? She’d usually just put her pajamas on, but those were, well, who the hell needs to be sexy when they go to sleep anyway?

But, now, right now… she just couldn’t, could she? Crap, she never thought about that! Alright, she could, she could, hum, probably, she, she had sportswear… she had casual tank tops and shorts… she could probably manage some eh… casually… decently… comfy night clothes? And what the hell was she supposed to do with her glasses? She’d never had to think of that either!

Rao, maybe it was a blessing in disguise Lena never accepted to sleep over…

All this panic took her so long that she almost had a fit when she heard Lena’s voice from behind: “Do you mind if I borrow a book of yours...? While you get ready?”

Jesus Christ on a cracker! Kara turned to Lena and Rao.

Ready… she wasn’t ready. At all. Why had nobody ever told her casual, unmade up, natural Lena was the most beautiful Lena? It would only be fair to have a warning, for Rao’s sake. She stood there, frozen in time, unblinking, watching Lena dry the part of her hair she got wet no matter how hard she tried not to. She stood there, watching Lena tilt her head and furrowing her brow, half hidden by her glasses – Lena with glasses! – before she asked, genuinely: “Are you alright, Kara?”

No was all Kara wanted to answer. Instead, as her breath caught up in her throat, she simply said: “H-huh, yea, yeah, I–” she chuckled, ducked her head, bought herself some time: “I gu–guess I’ve never expected to see the day where you’d be– wearing jogging pants, in front of me...” She joked. Rao help her!

“Anyway,” she sighed, “sure, take a book, and huh, yeah, make yourself at home!” She finally managed to let out, smiling widely, all the while internally screaming, as she picked the first pieces of clothes that she came by.

She went straight for the shower, trying to act as casually as possible yet practically running away from Lena for her own salvation. Door closed, tap turned on, she finally breathed, as the water was flowing over her entire skin, cold and cooling down her body and mind.

She remembered then; it wasn’t the first time she saw Lena wearing university clothing.

Pinpoint 305

“I know you believe that everything is good and kind, and that, that is one of the things I love about you.”

The sound of her voice, ringing in her ear, vibrating through her heart, came to life once again. Insight, stupid insight. Back then, hearing Lena say she loved something about Kara made her heart flutter. Yet, she chose to ignore it, pretending the pinch she felt was simply the compassion she had at witnessing her friend, usually so strong and composed, now devastated and weak.

So weak. So vulnerable. Kara had felt her blood boil and an immense urge to take Lena in her arms and shelter her from everything and everyone, and never ever let her go. Not as Supergirl, but as Kara, just Kara.

Instead, she’d sighed, distraught, and cleaned the glass Lena had broken earlier on. Instead, she’d stayed immovable while Lena spilled the length of her guilt all over the counter. Instead, after that one too many drinks Lena had poured herself, she’d caved and did the closest thing to sheltering her friend she could muster the courage to do.

“That’s enough.” She said, standing up, facing Lena’s quizzical brow. She took Lena’s glass, caring very little about her friend’s complaints. “You’ve drunk enough as it is.”

“You’re not my mother!” Lena growled out.

“Yeah, that, I’m not!” Kara replied, as firmly. “But I wouldn’t be your friend either if I let you drown your sorrow in more wine. I’m getting you to bed. Now.”

Lena simply laughed, interrupted by a drunken hiccup: “Oh yea–? I’m very curious to see tha– hey!” She protested as Kara grabbed her arm to lift her from the stool. Lena staggered, stumbled against Kara’s adamant stand. A moment passed, as she realized Kara was holding her firmly, and how strong her body was against hers. She swallowed down the lump in her throat, almost sobered up in an instant, and looked at Kara.

Kara, who looked back at her with so much love and compassion, Lena almost swayed once more: “Please, Lena.” Her tone was so low and pleading… Lena gave up all resistance and complied.

She accepted being transported to the couch. Kara thought it was enough of a victory and laid her down, insisting, nevertheless, to bring her a pillow. When she came back, Lena was already sound asleep. So, she maneuvered her head with great caution and gently placed the pillow in the most comfortable position. 

Then, time went by.

Kara was crouching by the couch, one knee bent and the other on the floor. One of her hands was still holding the pillow, in a ghostly touch. Absent-mindedly, she observed Lena. Lena, who was usually so strong and tough. Now defeated and messy. Kara noticed a strand of loose hair on her forehead; her body spoke before her mind, and she saw herself place the lock behind Lena’s ear. She was startled back to reality the very moment her skin touched Lena’s. The warmth of it… the softness of it… Kara’s fingers lost themselves along the lines and folds of her ear, cascading to the sharp angle of her jaw. 

She retreated with a sharp inhale.

What was she doing? She shook her head and stood up.

“You are worth it.” She murmured. She clenched her fist and refocused. Hanging about was no way to help. She needed to get things done. 

*****

…

Hanging about now wouldn’t do much good for Kara either… she sighed. She can do it. She can.

She stopped the shower, grabbed a towel and changed. Alright. She could face Lena. She could do it. She inhaled deeply and went back to her room. Lena was already in the bed, reading, her glasses down at the brink of her nose. She stopped her reading and slowly turned her head towards Kara, mouth slightly agape, out of concentration.

And then, it lasted just a second.

God, if a drop could be an ocean, a second an eternity…

A flash. Then it was gone.

Then Kara was forever changed.

“Are you okay, Kara? I really am getting concerned…” Lena asked, genuinely, again. And Kara found herself speechless.

“Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?” Lena arched a brow, then smiled fondly.

“You have, indeed. But I never get tired of hearing it.” Her smile slowly widened, sultry and endeared. Kara smiled back, took a deep breath, happy beyond measure, before joining Lena in bed. 

Reality came crashing down.

Kara ducked her chin, closed her eyes and shook her head. Again. “Yea, I’m, I just, I think I just really need to sleep.” She eventually mumbled, with a jaded sigh. Then she finished drying her hair and rounded the bed to get to her side.

“Yeah. I am quite tired too.” Lena answered softly. Kara smiled at her shily, before getting under the covers. Lena set the book and glasses by her nightstand. Turning to Kara, she suddenly frowned: “You… washed your hair? Before going to sleep.” She half stated, half asked.

“Huh… I… I did..?” Kara answered, taken aback.

Lena simply let out a soft chuckle: “I guess you have a better immune system than I do. I’d get sick during the night, if I did.” Kara laughed gently. Lena was still looking at her, strangely at ease while lying on her back, in such a vulnerable position. “Thank you.” She started softly, “for insisting. I,” she paused, “it’s nice.”

Kara stayed silent at first, smiling without noticing and then smiling some more, purposely. “Yeah.” She ducked her head a bit, then nodded. “Yeah, it is.”

They stayed like this, in silence, for the briefest second. Then Lena spoke, voice barely above a whisper: “Good night, Kara.” She said, before shifting on her side, and shutting her light off.

Kara swallowed. Inhaled. Answered, eventually: “Good night, Lena…”

She stayed still for another few seconds, half straightened up, half sagged; looking in the direction of Lena but gaze lost in the horizon. She blinked at some point, and the movement bought her senses back to life, enough to spur some action in her core. She silently sighed, took off her glasses and killed the lights.

As she adjusted her position, she tried her best to suffer in silence, hyper focusing on making sure her breathing would stay inaudible. But as she stared at the ceiling, her entire body was screaming. She felt defeated, devoid of will. It would have been an easy guess, she figured. Obviously, if Lena had stayed away from the temptation for so long, it must have been for a reason. She should have known. She should have figured out it would be hell, not bliss. How could she be so oblivious?

She let out yet another sigh. Oh, the night was going to be long – so long! … how long? How long before she would eventually find sleep?

How many minutes, hours?

Time.

The strangest truth of all – so pliant, so expansible, unreachable yet inescapable – she absently thought, as she turned her head and let her eyes wander another kind of expanse. The moonlight was reflecting on the alabaster skin of Lena's nape. Her gaze was curious, exploring the land of all her desires, scrutinizing its curves and quirks, its charms and flaws.

She could try to fool herself again. She could try to fool herself forever. Truth eventually catches up to you; she knew that too well. With the comfort of denial gone now, she was left to face the truth, with no means of escape.

Without her realizing, her focus slowly shifted. From monitoring her own breath, she started to monitor Lena’s. She watched, as her shoulders and rib cage were slowly inflating and deflating. After a while, her own respiration synched with Lena’s, spreading a feeling of ease that eventually abated her anxiety. She followed the curves of her hair, cascading from the crook of her neck to the crease of her chest, baring a wide expanse of her skin but letting the fine line of her shoulder exposed.

Slowly, Kara slipped into a contemplating state, as she started to wonder what it would feel like to card her fingers through that silky hair, to caress this soft skin gently, to kiss it. What would her skin taste like? What taste would lay on her tongue, on her lips, as she’d kiss every inch on Lena’s body… What taste her lips, her cheeks, her collarbone... would every freckle of Lena’s body have a taste of its own? Lost in her thoughts, her inner mind insidiously unfolded an alternate reality, where Kara would approach Lena’s skin with her hands. Her fingers would splay, eager, hovering inches above the coveted skin. Kara could see the little hair of Lena’s arm bristle. She laughed at it then. It amazed her to no end. Her eyelids felt heavier, while a warm haze spread out through her whole body, circulating through her veins and numbing her mind ever so slightly. She could feel on her lips a smile, suspended; her cheeks, stuck. All was becoming evanescent…

Scent. Lena’s scent. Oh. To be filled with her scent… her eyelids fluttered, and on their walls, an image, persistent, danced, withering…

It only lasted a fraction of a second.

A flash, a sensation.

The image of domestic bliss, with Lena, in her bed, reading. As if she always belonged here. As if it was possible. 

It lasted a second.

Oh Rao, if only it could have lasted forever…

**********

I remember when the sea was singing
And all my thoughts were ringing
Crossed the ocean 'round the world, speeding
And nobody could catch me daydreaming

But I'm daydreaming now
Daydreaming…

!!!

Sun, sun! So bright! Lena… Coffee. Coffee? Heartbeat. Oh, for Rao’s sake! She straightened up, eyes blinking but blind. Uuuuugh!! Lena had woken up before her, and she was making coffee. Big sigh, eyes rubbing. Lord. Okay. Alright. Lena had no knowledge about Kara’s sleeping habits but… sigh again. Oh, she hated that. She took some more minutes to calm down, to gather her mind and thoughts. It was actually uncertain who, between the two of them, was a lighter sleeper. She leaned back against the headboard, closed her eyes. Everything was fine, though. Technically. It was Saturday morning, she didn’t have to go to work, nor did Lena. And by the rustling sounds she was making in the kitchen, the Luthor was clearly feeling at ease. Kara swallowed some more, sighed some more.

There was no escaping it.

She opened her eyes again, stared at her ceiling. Nothing had happened. Everything was fine.

She carefully pulled the blankets away and pivoted to the side of her bed. Fists in the mattress, chewing on her lips, she stood there for a while, gaze slowly losing itself in the horizon. The coffee was ready now, she should go to the kitchen. A last sigh, a deep breath in. A heavy breath out.

She took her glasses on the nightstand, put them back and walked to the kitchen.

Basked in the morning sun, her own personal ray of light was going about, existing. Being there, alive, in the same reality Kara was experiencing.

“Hey there, sleepy head!” Lena taunted, smiling widely, and very very much awake. Kara half-heartedly smiled at the comment, and before it was too late, slid in a comatose pretend act, to save herself.

At the sight of zombie!Kara, Lena couldn’t help but chuckle lightly: “I made coffee… if you want some,” then after a brief moment, “I think you could use some,” she whispered, teasingly.

This was really endearing. Kara let another smile find its way across her lips and nodded. She carried her groggy body to the mugs cupboard and took one out of it, absently. She then poured coffee in it, and while she was trying to remember where she stacked the sugar and cinnamon, Lena started to explain that she was kindly waiting for Kara to wake up, but she was very sorry, but it was already 10 and she had quite a lot of things to do, and so hum, would Kara be mad if she were to leave soonish, and not eat breakfast with her?

…

Kara scratched her forehead and furrowed her brow: “… no, of course not.” She let out, more than answered. “I…’ll probably get back to sleep… anyways…” she added, mumbling.

“Okay, perfect!” said Lena, who was decidedly too much awake, “then I’ll be going. I’ll just get my coat.”

Who would believe Kara was the one with superspeed abilities? It was surely all happening too quick, and too soon was Lena taking her leave, saying goodbyes as if it was so casual. All the while Kara’s world was crumbling down, slipping away like sand in her powerless hands.

“I’ll see you tonight!” Kara heard Lena say. She felt her hand squeeze her forearm, before Lena leaned softly, pressing a feather-light kiss to Kara’s lips. Kara blinked and watched the woman she loved smiling at her as she was striding away, ready to take the world on, as if it was just some other day.

The door closed, and Kara startled so much she broke the mug she was holding, splashing coffee all over. Her eyes opened wide, making a full focus on the real reality. She let out a very shaky breath as she was called back to this world, a shivering flash coursing through her whole body.

She needed to get a grip on it. She extended her arms, splayed trembling fingers on the kitchen island. Ordering her vision, mind and thoughts to the table and nothing more.

This was getting out of hand. She needed to get a grip on it.

She had made up her mind. She needed to act accordingly. Lena and her were not going to happen. She’d been through this already. Better have her as a friend than not at all.

Love was volatile. 

… Romance was. This was just a phase. It’ll pass.

She closed her eyes, whispered to herself: “It’ll pass.”