Work Text:
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“Do you like it when I'm away?
If I went and hurt my body, baby
Would you love me the same?
I can feel all my bones coming back
And I'm craving motion
Mama never really learns how to live by herself
It's a curse
And it's growing”
Natasha was almost limp on the floor of her bathroom, a bloody knife in hand, dragging it against her bloody skin. Drip. Drip. Goes the blood. Get what you deserve, they said. The red room. Where she was raised. Tortured. Weaponised. Tears dampened her face, but her expression was neutral. Like she was craving something, a feeling, anything. Other than this hatred that she had gathered for herself. There was only one reason to stay in this world, and she didn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserved the love she received off Maria. Pain. She deserved pain. She was a burden on everyone around her. Barton, Morse.. heck even Stark. But Maria, she deserved the world, which was not what Natasha could give her. These thoughts drowned Natasha, building up her anger like bricks would a house, or wood, would a dam. This wood, would give way. And cause so much destruction. So if she let it out now, when no one was around, whom would it damage?
“You're a pond and I'm an ocean
Oh, all my emotions
Feel like explosions when you are around
And I've found a way to kill the sounds”
Maria. Maria. Maria. A small voice her her head screamed “I don’t deserve her” she screamed back. Love was for children.. or so that’s what they said in the red room. Love? Was she really that weak? Another red mark, bleached across her skin, as a reminder. All this time. All this pain. If she gives up now, would it be for nothing? Maria cares for her. Even in a time of self loathing, she knows that. She is so much better than her. Natasha had killed so many innocent lives. And no matter what she did. No matter what she said could make up for that. The red, angry red, violent red. Disgusting red. On her hands. Dripping off her hands, and onto her body. She felt such a hatred to herself, for being such a burden to everyone.. she could only see one way to get away from it all..
“Oh baby I am a wreck when I am without you
I need you here to stay
I broke all my bones that day I found you
Crying at the lake”
She heard a quiet buzz from her phone, she lifted her head up, swallowing guiltily. Then she pushed it away with an audible sob..
Recent messages:
From:
Maria <33 : Hey Nat love, where ru, we were meant to meet up? [sent at 21:02]
Maria <33 : you could of just texted if something came up x [sent at 21:13]
Maria <33 : Natasha, are you mad at me? [sent at 21:20]
Maria <33 : Nat, Is something up [sent at 21:30]
Maria <33: Natasha! Don’t ignore me [sent at 21:45]
Maria <33: Honey? Are you okay??? [sent at 22:00]
1 missed call from “Maria <33” [22:01]
1 missed call from “Maria <33” [22:02]
2 missed calls from “Maria <33” [22:03]
Coulsen: You aren’t answering Hill, she’s worried [sent at 22:05]
Coulsen: Nat? [sent at 22:07]
Coulsen: what’s going on? [sent at 22:10]
Maria <33: Natasha, pick up [22:11]
May 💛: swear to god Nat, if I get another call off Hill or Coulsen, god help me [sent at 22:13]
May 💛: Natasha? [sent at 22:17]
May 💛: are you alright? [sent at 22:19]
Barton ❤️🙄: NATASHA PICK UP!!!!!!!! [sent at 22:20]
Barton ❤️🙄: Tasha, don’t do this. [sent at 22:21]
Barton ❤️🙄: Maria loves you, we all love you [sent at 22:23]
5 missed calls from “Maria <33”
2 missed calls from “Barton ❤️🙄” , “May 💛” and “Coulsen”
Starky: Natasha, where the fuck are you???? [sent at 22:25
Starky: Do I need to call an ambulance??? [sent at 22:28]
Maria <33: baby, this isn’t a joke [sent at 22:33]
Maria <33 : Nat, love if this is what I think it is, please pick up [sent at 22:33]
6 missed calls from “Maria <33”
3 Missed calls from “May 💛”
2 Missed calls from “Barton ❤️🙄”
2 Missed calls from “Coulsen”
Starky: I’m calling Maria, Natasha. Give me your location NOW. [sent at 22:37]
Bobbi: Romanoff? Answer Maria!!!! This is not a joke [sent at 22:40]
Bobbi: Romanoff, answer one of us! [sent at 22: 43]
Maria <33: baby, please we can talk about this! Don’t give up. Please Nat. [sent at 22:45]
Maria <33 : fuck it, I’m coming to your room [22:55]
“Was it something I said to make you feel like you're a burden?
Oh, and if I could take it all back
I swear that I would pull you from the tide”
Natasha buried her face into her legs, holding the knife carefully in her hands. “You deserve pain” “you have killed hundreds” “worthless” “weak” “good for nothing” “kill your self” “nothing good comes of you” “they all hate you” “you are the problem. You cause pain”
A loud banging at her door withdrew her from her thoughts. She looked up sharply, directing her attention to the door, that seemed miles away.
“Natasha! Natasha! Let me in.. please, baby, please” Maria shouted, urgency coming through in her voice. She was scared. The stoic commander. Scared. Scratch that. Her wife. Scared?
“For gods sake Natasha, open the door. Don’t leave me. Do you hear me!”
Natasha rocked back and forth trying to shut her out. The door clicked open, seeping in light for the corridor into the dark room. “Tasha, baby, where are you” Maria asked, her voice soft and gentle. She noticed the small woman, curled up in a ball in the corner of the room. Maria walked over to her quietly, crouching down next to her. “Love, were you thinking of” Maria cut herself off scared of the answer. “Yes.” Natasha said sharply, looking down. “I was considering a gun. But it would be too painless” Maria’s eyes softened. “Please don’t Nat. I love you. You have so much to live for” Maria whispered, inching her hand near Natasha’s. Natasha looked up, her breathing shallow and quick. “You were the only thing that was stopping me from doing it” Natasha said quietly. Tears still streaming down her face. Maria shuffled next to Natasha, moving the knife away from her. She held her arms out, offering Natasha a little bit of comfort she so desperately sought. “You have to speak when you’re feeling down, I want to help” Maria murmured, as Natasha snuggled into her chest. “So, when you’re ready to talk, I’ll be here” she continued, holding Natasha carefully. There was a silence that dawned between the couple, it was comfortable, despite one of them being in tears, and the other almost being so.
“Darling, when I'm fast asleep
I've seen this person watching me
Saying, "Is it worth it? Is it worth it? Tell me, is it worth it?" Oh
Guess there is something, and there is nothing
There is nothing in between”
Fifteen minutes passed, silence between them, Maria had managed to clean up Natasha’s cuts, and bandaged them up neatly. “I often go into these patterns. Sometimes the thoughts and memories of my past just eat me up inside. To the point that I can’t breathe. Everything reminding me how many I’ve killed. The monster I am” Natasha admitted, tears filling her eyes. “You are not a monster” “I wanted the pain to go. Go for good” Natasha hoarsely whispered. “Killing your self won’t do that love” Maria gently reminded her. “I’m sorry I’m a burden” “you are not a burden. I’m being here for you, as you would for me” Maria said firmly. She pressed her lips against the top of Natasha’s head and rubbed circles in her side. “Why don’t we get into bed, it would be more comfortable” Maria offered quietly. Natasha nodded silently, burying her face in the crook of Maria’s neck. Maria got up carefully, helping Natasha up as she went. Snuggling down under the covers together, Maria’s thoughts raced through her head. Processing what had just happened. “Tasha, baby I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything, okay?” Maria whispered, her voice cracking, clearly showing signs the pain Maria was processing. “I know.. I just felt like I was suffocating in my own thoughts, for the past few weeks they have seemed to never not be there” Natasha admitted, letting herself relax in Maria’s arms. Maria kissed Natasha’s temple gently, forcing herself not to cry for the pain her love is and was going through. “I’m sorry Nat.. I could of been there” Maria whispered hoarsely, letting her tear drop down her pace like rain on a window. Racing each other, to find out which one could get to the surface below quicker. “You were busy, it’s okay. I can’t rely on you all the time, Maria” Natasha replied softly, her voice broken and crackly. “ it’s not okay. I’m your wife. I’m supposed to make sure you are okay, that you’re happy” Maria whispered back. Natasha shrugged gently, slumping against Maria more. “You’re with me now” Natasha whispered soundly, letting her eyes closed. “Yeah.. I am” Maria muttered, caressing the redheads cheeks. “Sleep now baby.. we will talk more in the morning” Maria urged, closing her own eyes. “Don’t go anyway Mia” Natasha whispered, half asleep. “I won’t”
“There is nothing in between
And in my eyes, there is a tiny dancer
Watching over me, he's singing
"She's a, she's a lady, and I am just a boy"
He's singing, "She's a, she's a lady, and I am just a line without a hook"
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A/n: I hoped you enjoyed it, if so please comment, any suggestions/ improvements, please comment too! I love feedback! Also go read by blackhill story on Wattpad it’s “blackhill: her” by Bookishgirl. I know an unoriginal name. 😂
Have a great night!