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If you could say one thing about Satan is how open he was with his transness, and how comfortable he had been in his own body and gender ever since he had come out all those centuries, probably even millenia, ago.
Satan would always remember the day he came out, when he was still a little devil, reaching about Lucifer’s waist at the time, still learning and growing into the role that being the Avatar of Wrath had given him.
It had been a day the brothers had to attend some sort of royal event at the Castle and they had to put on their best attire to show off their demon forms but every single one of Satan’s outfits just made him wanna crawl and hide and tore everything to shreds since they hugged his body in all the wrong places, highlighting the parts of it Satan couldn’t stand to see, the parts that made him feel the disconnection between body and mind grow further and further apart.
And when Lucifer went to his room after getting fed up with hearing Satan having yet another one of his tantrums, asking him to just get it over quickly, Satan, giving into his Sin, lashed out and told him how much he cared about what he thought, his voice raw from his tantrum.
But when Lucifer bursted inside his room, what the eldest saw was Satan standing in the middle of a mess of shredded fabric of what had been dresses, Satan’s eye red from crying, still-bleeding claw marks all along his arms and torso as if he had dug his nail so far down trying to tear his skin off.
Satan remembered how Lucifer, in less than a blink, was kneeling next to him, embracing him in his arms, before wiping away the tears staining his face before starting to clean the self-inflicted wounds that were starting to close on their own already due to Satan’s pure demonic blood.
Satan remembered how actually worried and caring Lucifer sounded when he asked young Satan what was wrong and how patient he was when Satan started explaining how none of the outfits he owned felt right, how much he hated how girly and fememenine they were, how they highlighted the parts of his body he despised and couldn’t stand to look at. How he wasn’t a girl and couldn’t pretend he was any longer.
And the part of the memory Satan remembered with the most fondness wasn’t how Lucifer understood what Satan was telling him, accepting everything he said no questions asked, though that made everything easier. It was when Lucifer gave him a nice shirt and pants, enchanting them to fit him, and even gave him one of his coats after it, to go to the royal event. And while the suit jacket was horribly large on him, Satan had never felt more HIM before than he had done in that moment, the smile on his face actually genuine and not forced to please the people surrounding him.
But why was Satan thinking of that right now? What had triggered it?
Well, it was because a stupid teacher at R.A.D decided it was a perfect idea to not just go and compare him to Lucifer, not once, not twice but three times, but also add how Satan could never mesure to Lucifer despite being his carbon copy.
That made Satan understandably angry, and despite wanting to snap and end the teacher’s existence right there and then, he just stormed out of the classroom and went to his room to have a bit of peace and quiet as he calmed down.
There in his room, Satan got to think about not only how bad it had felt to be compared to Lucifer and also made him feel lesser than him.
It didn’t help how thinking about this and that his brain took him dark paths, and Satan found himself wandering the paths of gender identity and how uncomfortable he had sometimes felt trying to conform to what people thought a man was supposed to be, forcing thing onto him that he hadn’t agreed to and how fucking bad that felt. He just assumed that was being uncomfortability with the people flocking to him for his favor at events, but lately he was less and less sure it was only that.
What was even worse, and made the situation even more exasperant, was how Satan had recently come to know Lucifer himself was trans as well. And so, adding to that, Satan thought his feelings of discomfort with his own transness were because of that, because him being trans made him even more similar to Lucifer than what people realized and he just didn’t know how to cope with it. That he just wanted to differentiate himself from Lucifer was making himself dysphoric over that fact.
For fucks sake, was he really that insecure about being the same as Lucifer that he was making himself dysphoric over it? That was so fucking stupid AND insane.
But it seemed to be exactly what it seemed to be happening.
Was he really feeling that discomfort? Or was it a way to feel more separated from Lucifer?
Laying on his bed, Satan just let out a very long sigh out, while his mind didn’t give him a rest, so he just closed his eyes and gave up to trying his thoughts in order that day, as the candles slowly burned down, fizzling out, leaving the Wrath demon in the dark as he kept staring at the ceiling.
****
How did Satan come to know Lucifer was a stealth trans man which is what started to draw him to his actual predicament?
Well, actually, it happened a few weeks ago, after a few days the residents of the House of Lamentation without seeing Satan since he had been hyperfixating into a new book saga called Bacchanals of Crime that was about a series of seemingly series of unrelated events, tragedies and characters explained in a non-linear timeline, all masterfully written with several plot-twist that kept you guessing about the real intentions and about what was going on, that Satan hadn’t been able to put down until he had finished the entire series.
But yes, he finished the last book and it was around 3am and he hadn’t eaten nor slept in days so he was about to basically raid the kitchen before going to sleep but his plan was cut short when he saw the light in Lucifer’s office open and knowing the eldest habit of overworking himself and falling asleep on his desk, Satan decided to see if he would be able to take a picture of an asleep Lucifer or, at least, be able to tell Lucifer to take his own advice and go to sleep for fucking once in his long life.
But instead of that, what Satan saw was something he did not expect at all. He saw Lucifer sitting in his desk chair, dress pants half-way off, and with a syringe stabbed in his thight as he pushed the semi-transparent yellowish liquid inside his body.
Both brothers just stayed there staring at each other in silence for what felt like an eternity despite not being even five seconds before Satan just turned around and walked back to his room, hunger and tiredness forgotten.
Satan wasn’t stupid, he had been living openly as a trans man for centuries now and he was very familiar with how T-shots looked like as he himself had been doing it for as long as he could remember.
What he did not know is that Lucifer was trans himself, never talking about himself more than he considered appropriate and keeping everything relating to this topic very hush-hush. But with how Satan had caught him it was impossible to deny it and they both knew it.
It’s not like discovering this about Lucifer didn’t make sense, after all none of the brothers were actually cis so it made sense. But still, Satan wished there was some kind of spell to make the memory of seeing Lucifer like that disappear from his mind.
So yeah, that’s what made Satan start to have an existential crisis over his gender.
And his previous almost confrontation with his Advanced Arithmancy in Pactology teacher sure didn’t help with the situation at all.
Satan was having yet another crisis over this for what felt the nth time in he didn’t know how long.
****
It had been a week ever since Satan had left the class after his teacher’s words and was still ditching that class every time, staining his perfect record, because the teacher’s words kept repeating in his brain and made him go down the spiral that had been cursing him for quite some time now.
It was yet another sleepless night where Satan wouldn’t be able to sleep, thoughts coursing through his mind, making him turn and turn again and again in his bed.
At around what Satan supposed would be 4am, after a long while of beating himself over this and just giving himself a massive headache and more dysphoria than he could handle right now, Satan decided he’d read some of his favorite romance stories, the genre he always turnt for comfort.
Grabbing one by Shō Harusono, yes it was Leviathan who recommended it to him, and starting reading, it wasn’t until Satan was half-way through it that he realized he was relating to the story more than usual.
He really felt himself represented when Miyano thought he couldn’t like boys, that he was just pushing his BL favorite tropes into real life but how as he slowly learnt what being in love meant and involved he realized he indeed liked Sasaki-senpai.
Not with sexuality, though, but with gender.
Maybe Satan had been trying to convince himself he wasn’t actually non-binary because he felt as if he was just doing so because of his insecurities about being the same as Lucifer making him feel dyshoric of his own transness. But how trying to force himself to conform to the binary to prove himself wrong was making him feel even more and more uncomfortable and separated from his own body.
And now that he thought about that he could see little instances he had felt slightly uncomfortable about being typecast inside a binary gender that happened before he discovered Lucifer's own transess.
How, during events, when masculine expressions or being referred as “the Seven Avatar Brothers”, before Leviathan came out as transfem and as “the Seven Avatar Siblings” after she had, and other similar experiences felt fine but when the same expressions were used because he was being referred as a man just rubbed the wrong way for whatever reason. Or when the Great Witch Madi kept requesting him because he was such a good-looking man and such a refined gentleman and just her perfect type of man and how being referred strictly as a man just didn’t feel right.
At the time, he assumed it was because, no matter how much of a social butterfly he could be, his patience was running thin and he was focusing on keeping his Wrath on check and not snap at people. And about the Madi situation he had assumed it was just how uncomfortable the witch made him feel anyways.
And while the reasons he assumed when those events took place were partially right and didn’t help with the situation at all, he now could see it hadn’t been only that.
****
After the surprise of this revelation had subsided, after only the Demon King knew how long, and Satan had had enough of staring at his room’s ceiling realizing he had rediscovered himself all over again and felt as if he was floating all over the place.
So without thinking about it once or having any semblance of a course of action, Satan stood up and, once again at very unhealthy hours of the morning where he should most definitely not be awake, Satan walked out of his room and walked, a very clear destination in his mind.
Walking past Leviathan’s closed room as he went towards Lucifer’s office, he was not surprised to see that eerie blue light coming from under the door as she was probably grinding on some game or on one of her raids.
Once outside Lucifer’s office, Satan stood in front of the closed door, knowing Lucifer was awake as he kept hearing the inequivocabile sound of pen scratching against paper as he worked on whatever paperwork Diavolo asked him to. He also knew Lucifer was well aware of his presence outside the room as he had heard him stomp towards it just to annoy him.
Satan stood there, unmoving and in silence, for a whole minute before he opened the door, walking up inside the room and only stopping when he was just in front of his brother, staring at him, not saying anything and just reveling in Lucifer’s exasperated and annoyed expression for a few seconds.
When he finally spoke, just when he saw Lucifer was about to inquiry about his little late night intromission, all Satan said, never breaking eye contact, was:
“For once in my life, I was wrong.” voice as deadpan as his face.
With that said, Satan turned around and went back to his room, and had the best night sleep he had had in the last few weeks.
Meanwhile, Lucifer was left with more questions than answers, more confused than he’d been in years, Satan’s unexpected comment catching him with his guard completely down, or more like it had demolished it, not expecting Satan to say that and having little idea what his younger brother could have meant with it. Worth a mention was that Satan left him in such a state of bewilderment that no more paperwork was done that night as Lucifer could not find it in him to concentrate on it again. Neither could he sleep his mind trying to decipher what Satan had been talking about, his mind showing him all the times Satan had been even slightly wrong and didn’t admit to it trying to discover which memory was he talking about.
****
It wouldn’t be until the next morning during breakfast that Lucifer would know what in all the nine circles of Hell had he been talking about.
As usual, Lucifer was the first of the seven at the table, a Hell coffee with way too much sugar for it to be healthy in front of him as the rest of the siblings came down for their first meal before school.
And when Satan, who weirdly enough had a pleasant smile and looked the most well-rested he’d looked in weeks, sat down and started to pour himself some coffee and putting some food in his plate before Beelzebub ate everything within arms reach and then more was when Lucifer let the matter bothering him since last night drop, his voice irritated from lack of sleep due to one of his brother’s shenanigans.
“Satan” the Pride demon called out, knowing this would make everyone listen to him. “Do you care to explain what in Diavolo’s name did you mean last night when you interrupted my work just to state “For once in my life, I was wrong”? he asked, hating the fact he had to say he was wrong even if he was just repeating Satan’s words.
Satan just lifted his eyes from his pate for as long as it took him to smile knowingly at Lucifer, before continuing eating his breakfast and not answering Lucifer's inquiry for a few moments, further irritating the eldest in ways only he was able to, knowing he had the upper hand in this situation.
It wasn’t until he finished serving himself a plate of cursed chocolate pancakes that he answered.
“Oh well, you see,” Satan started, taking his sweet time to continue just for a more dramatic effect “ It’s just that lately I had been feeling really dysphoric and while, at first, I thought it was just being just trans like you was making me so uncomforable to the point of dysphoria, I have been giving it thought and realized I am actually non-binary. I just realized it last night after a few weeks of torture and I needed to tell someone so my brain let me sleep. And you just were the perfect candidate for that.” Satan finished, nonchalantly, before continuing to drink his Hell coffee, ignoring the way that all his siblings were looking at him.
“My pronouns still are he and him, I’m just not a man. At least not in the 100%, it’s complicated.” he adds, not sure how to explain his rather complicated relationship with his gender without explaining what caused his realization, he preferred for that to be a private matter.
Despite Satan’s plans on not expanding on his sudden coming out as non-binary, he can’t stand the feeling of all his siblings eyes on him, his anger growing and sizzling inside him. He didn’t understand why his siblings seemed to be so surprised when no one in the family was cisgender, and it’s not like he was the only sibling outside the binary when it was quite normal when it was humans who invented the concept.
A demon re-discovering their own gender, even after centuries of thinking they were sure of it. Satan can feel a growl threatening to escape from him so they all stop their staring and leave him to his own devices.
but thankfully there’s no need for that when he hears, unexpectedly, Leviathan speak up.
“Yeah it’s OK. Don’t worry about that.” his sister starts “Remember how I thought I was enby masc aligned for centuries but turned out I actually am transfem? It’s totally OK and normal to be wrong, dude.” she adds, making the point she wanted to make clearer for others to understand and make Satan see they all were here for him just he had always been there for every single one of them when it counted.
And with his newly rediscovered gender identity validated by his own family, Satan went to class with an unusual smile adorning his now calm and rested expression.
Maybe, and putting their differences aside for once, being so similar to Lucifer wasn’t that bad a thing if it had helped him realize who he truly was.