Work Text:
"Are you a robot?" Barton asked. Phil paused mid-typing, because they were supposed to be doing a mission report. He looked over at him, arching an eyebrow.
"I'm sorry?"
"Well, the prevailing theory around base is that you're not human," Barton asked.
"And you think I'm a robot?"
"No, but it's the most popular theory," Barton said, making a wave toward the door. "Like for all the brilliant minds here, there's no way that we'd beat Stark to making a robot that resembles an average human so well and if Stark suspected a robot… he'd be making his own, so…"
"Well, why would Stark suspect that a governmental agency was able to create a robot that looks human?"
"Colonel Rhodes and well, we do liaison with him on occasion," Barton pointed out.
Phil hummed as he considered it. Barton was smarter than the average mind for all that he acted like a dumb carnie kid with no formal education. His eyes didn't miss much. "No, may we please go back to the mission report?"
"Yeah, it's your turn to ask a question."
Phil's eyes narrowed as he looked over at Barton, before sighing and asking the next question on the form. He typed up Barton's response, because the man was verbose, it was his spelling that was atrocious and Phil suspected the man was far sighted and should be wearing glasses when he was doing his paperwork. His fingers stilled as the image of Barton with glasses swept through his mind. Oh, maybe it was good. Barton seemed to notice his hesitancy in typing.
"Sir?"
"Sorry, lost my train of thought," Phil stated.
"Where'd you lose me?" Clint asked.
"Uh, reason number three for disregarding the selected sniper nest."
Barton snorted and continued on. "So Alien?" he asked when finished.
"Is this one of your theories?" Phil asked, curious.
"Felt it needed to be ruled out," Barton said.
"No," Phil stated, before moving onto the next question on the form.
Clint answered, paused. "Fey?"
"Excuse me?"
"Listen, I'm sorry modern media, likes to use these terms for gay men, but I'm referring to it in the historical context. Sorry, Coulson, I've seen shit and I'm avoiding any faerie rings I encounter in the field."
Phil considered, before nodding. "No in the historical context, though I'd point out that covers a lot, but yes in the modern context."
Phil could see Barton's jaw drop and Phil was fairly certain he'd successfully diverted the line of questioning. He moved to the last question on the form and waited several beats for Barton's to start answering. When he was done, he looked over at Barton and arched an eyebrow.
"You're gay?" Barton asked.
"I'm somewhere between gay and bi, like a 4.5 on the Kinsey scale."
"I wasn't aware that did decimals," Barton replied.
"It doesn't traditionally," Phil stated.
"We done with the form?"
Phil nodded. "Though I have one more question."
"Only if I can ask one more."
"Why do you want to know what I am?" Phil asked.
"Like to know who and what I'm asking out," Barton replied.
Phil arched his eyebrows, because that was not what he'd been expecting.
"I don't mind dating non-humans, just want to know what I am dating, kind of have a thing against the whole incubus/succubus thing. I enjoy sex, not really ready to die for it. Not that I think you are one of those." He tilted his head. "Though you could be. Need to make a few phone calls, before I ask that one. I know you're not a vampire, so…"
"Fair enough," Phil said. "And your question."
Barton opened his mouth, before closing. "You know what, I'm going to save it." With that he got up and walked out the door. Phil blinked, feeling oddly bereft. He'd almost thought Clint was going to ask him, but no, Barton had dropped some information and he was smart enough to give Phil time to process it.
Phil took a deep breath and considered his options. He was pretty sure Barton wasn't going to ask the right question to figure out what exactly Phil was. No, that would probably take meeting some of Phil's extended family or the Sperm Donor himself. Not that he was allowed anywhere near Phil, but the man liked to test boundaries and tended to crop up when least expected. Well, no, whenever his appearance would make things worse for Phil was when he tended to show up.
Still, Phil might need to arrange a meeting with one of his saner half-siblings. He'd just have to be careful on which half-sibling. The twins would try to steal him for themselves as they both had an affinity toward archers. Dite would meddle and her husband would just smile and say, 'You know how she is, she loves love.'
No, this would be a job for his favorite half-sister and actually, he glanced at the clock, he was due to meet her within the hour for some sort of strategy game. She did like to make sure Phil's mind was as sharp as it could be. He hurriedly packed up and headed out. After all, it wouldn't do to keep the Goddess of Wisdom and Warfare waiting, even if he was her baby brother.