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Yaz had gone back to her room after they left the beach. She needed time to sort through her emotions, the good and the bad.
Did it matter that the Doctor felt the same way if they couldn’t be together?
Did this hurt more than it already had to be around her with everything unsaid?
There was also so much Yaz had left unsaid. The Doctor made it more than clear she knew how Yaz felt. And there was no doubt in her mind they were in agreement on what exactly that meant. But there was so much more she felt she hadn’t said.
So much she still couldn’t even put words to.
Yaz felt her emotions threatening to overtake her when there was a gentle knock on the door. “Yeah?” She called out, half expecting Dan overcome by curiosity wanting al the details as to how their talk had gone.
“Yaz? Can I come in?” Her heart skipped a beat at the sound of the Doctor’s voice. It always did.
“Course.” Yaz replied, sitting on the edge of her bed, frozen.
The Doctor opened the door, closing it behind her. “Hiya, Yaz.” She said awkwardly, not stepping any further into the room. The expression on the Doctor’s face was one Yaz had rarely seen. She looked nervous. More then nervous, she looked terrified as she stood, glued to the wall, shifting her weight awkwardly with her hands buried in her pockets. She couldn’t even make eye contact with Yaz.
“Doctor…. What is it?” Yaz asked cautiously, her hope outweighing her fear that the Doctor was going to tell her to leave or something worse than what had already happened between them.
“What?” The Doctor looked up shocked as though she’d forgotten where she was. “Oh yes… right. I was in the console room and I thought I should talk to Yaz. So… here I am. Talking to Yaz. You’re Yaz.” She nodded at the younger woman.
Yaz couldn’t help but smile, the Doctor was cute when she was nervous. “What is it you want to talk about?” Yaz prompted, unable to keep the naive hope fully out of her voice.
“I’ve been thinking about what we talked about… on the beach. I’ve been thinking a lot…” The Doctor stammered, still struggling to keep herself from fidgeting or keep her eyes on Yaz.
“Doctor, that was five minutes ago…” Yaz said with a bemused look on her face.
“Yeah, well, I’m good at thinking, me. I can do a lot of thinking in five minutes.” The Doctor defended, sounding more serious than Yaz’s comment had been.
“What was it you were thinking about?” Yaz asked.
“Same thing I’m always thinking about.” The Doctor mumbled.
“Which is?” Yaz prompted, enjoying the excitement, clinging to the chance that this was leading here her heart told her it was.
“You.” The Doctor breathed. “I was thinking about you. And how… I’m gonna loose you. I’m gonna hurt you. It’s going to feel like the worst pain I’ve ever experienced in my entire life. It’s going to be agony for hundreds of years. And then when it starts to get better, it’ll just hurt when I slow down. When I stop. When I can’t ignore the ache.”
Yaz sank. She couldn’t work out how she felt. The last thing she ever wanted was the Doctor to hurt. Especially not because of her. But it felt like hundreds of years worth of agony compressed into mere seconds every moment Yaz felt not truly knowing what it meant to love by the Doctor.
“But…” Yaz looked up as the Doctor started again. “I tried to imagine what it would be like… to spend my life without you, without knowing what it would’ve been like…”
“And?” Yaz asked desperately, not caring if the Doctor could hear the torment in her voice.
“It would hurt a hell of a lot more.” The Doctor admitted, looking up at Yaz who’s face had lit up with a brilliant smile and a tear running down her cheek.
“So we’re… whatever we are now…” Yaz asked breathlessly, not even knowing the words to confirm the shift she felt between them.
“I need you to be sure.” The Doctor replied, more seriously. Her energy shifted and she no longer appeared shy and awkward. “I need you to know it won’t go on forever. I need you know you’re sacrificing a big part of your life if we do this. If we do and we… when it ends… you’re going to feel a pain you never thought you could imagine. I can live without knowing. I can spend every night haunted by the ghost of who you could’ve been to me if it means protecting you from how badly I know it will hurt. I can do that.”
“No!” Yaz said a bit more eagerly than she’d intended. “I want to… I… I need to do this.”
“And I need you to be sure.” The Doctor replied again, her voice solemn and soft.
“I am.” Yaz breathed.
“Yaz…” The Doctor resisted. “You can’t even imagine how much it’s going to hurt…”
“Yes I can.” Her certainty surprised the Doctor. “I lost you twice. I’m mourned you twice. And I carried on. I spent nights crying myself to sleep. There were weeks I could hardly get out of bed. Times I was back in some of the darkest places I’ve ever been. But I still was glad for the memories we had. And I still carried on.”
The Doctor nodded, acknowledging that Yaz was right. She knew what she was agreeing to. Even though it hurt the Doctor deeply to know she’d already put her through so much. She knew this time wouldn’t end any differently, but maybe it would do some good to finally give her what she wanted and needed before it hurt again. “Alright then… guess it’s official.” The Doctor smiled timidly, forcing herself to move past the pain, to move beyond the past, to stay in the present.
“Guess it is.” Yaz smiled back.
They both looked at each other, eyes welling with tears that would be shed months or years in the future when they’d curse the day they gave into love. But despite that. Despite the fear and the pain, they loved.
Choosing love, stupid, brave love, knowing it would hurt and doing it anyway - Yaz had never felt the Doctor seemed so human.
“This is my first real relationship.” Yaz confessed, a little nervous that using the term would scare the Doctor off.
“Really?” The Doctor said in shock. Yaz couldn’t help but laugh at her reaction.
“You sound surprised.” She smiled.
“I am.” The Doctor admitted. “I just always figured you would’ve…” she trailed off, not sure how to finish her thought.
“Nope.” Yaz was still smiling, but a thin veil of sadness colored her expression. “Wasn’t exactly popular in schools not many people wanted to be my friend, much less anything else. And then… it wasn’t exactly easy for me to admit to myself I… liked girls… Guess I just needed someone so good I couldn’t keep ignoring it.” She smiled at the Doctor.
The Doctor crossed the room and sat beside Yaz. “I’m sorry… I didn’t even think of the part.” She admitted regretfully.
Yaz shrugged, offering her a gentle smile. “It’s fine. Guess it doesn’t really make sense to you anyway… I know you don’t really see things like that… with labels.”
The Doctor shrugged. “Can’t control what I look like, believe me I’ve tried… still would love to be ginger… can’t control who I like or how I feel. So I never saw much point in getting hung up on that or caring what anyone thinks. Don’t really hold those things against others either. Actions - bit different. You can control what you do, but the rest of it, I don’t really think much of it.”
Yaz nodded. “Wish I could be more like that.” She said softly, looking down.
“You are.” The Doctor said tenderly. Yaz looked up, surprised. “I said you’d come back a different person after traveling with me, and you already have.”
While Yaz considered that, the Doctor spoke again. “The Yaz I met was brave. And cared so much about others. That’s still true. It's why I asked you to come with me.” Yaz’s heart swelled and her cheeks reddened with the compliment. “But there’s more than that too. The Yaz I know now has this confidence… this trust in herself. She’s a leader, she won’t give up on what she believes in and she’s brave enough to look at herself for who she really is.”
The Doctor reached out and cupped Yaz’s cheek in her palm, wiping a tear from her cheap with her thumb. Yaz took a breath, her heart racing from the proximity and physical contact. The Doctor leaned in so close Yaz could feel the warmth of her breath against her skin.
“May I?” The Doctor asked softly. Yaz nodded, not trusting herself to speak. The Doctor leaned in and kissed her on the lips.
In that moment, Yaz saw the entire universe. They stayed in that moment, simple and delicate, neither woman demanded more from the kiss. Yaz wanted to memorize this moment, how it felt, the newness, the warmth, the calm. She’d want more later, they both would, she suspected. But for now, this was everything she could have ever wanted.
When they finally pulled away, both woman sat back in shock. Yaz laughed softly under her breath.
“Wow… I kissed Yaz… kissing Yaz… wow…” The Doctor stammered and Yaz couldn’t help but laugh harder at her reaction.
“You gonna react like that every time?” Yaz asked grinning.
“Only one way to find out.” The Doctor grinned before leaning in and kissing her again.