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Namjoon finally notices the letter when it falls out of his journal, right onto his lap. He hadn't written in it in a while, having been too busy working on too many other overwhelming projects, but finally, finally, he let himself have a break and grab his journal to jot down some of his many thoughts.
And the letter is inside it, as if it's been there all along.
Small, compact, and in a light blue envelope. There's nothing on it except Namjoon's name, scrawled neatly in the bottom right-hand corner. Namjoon stares down at it, frowning, and wonders when someone would have even had the opportunity to sneak into Namjoon's room and put the letter inside his journal. A part of Namjoon worries that it's someone dangerous and that the letter will contain an ominous message stating Namjoon's parents have been kidnapped or something, but Namjoon doesn't think a kidnapper would be so secretive about the placement of the letter. He also doesn't think they'd use a pretty light blue envelope to do it.
So, it must be someone he knows, and that realization spurs him into opening the letter before Namjoon can overthink it even more.
Namjoon,
My friend is making me write this because I lost a bet and he threatened to tell you himself if I didn't uphold it. So, you should know I'm in love with you. I don't know what else I could even say. I could talk about how I could hear you talk about anything forever. I could talk about how I swear I hear the bells of fate when you're around me. I could talk about how I like it when you say my name, when you look at me, when you think of me first for things. I could talk about how important and loved you make me feel, but I think if I talk about these things for too long, I won't ever be able to face you again.
Because I know you're not in love with me. So, I don't have the bravery in telling you who I am. Maybe you'll figure it out—you're so smart, of course—but I hope you don't.
If you somehow do, please don't stop being my friend. Thankfully, I really don't think you'll figure it out. You have so many friends and so many admirers and I'm just another one of them.
Always yours,
Your friend, your admirer
When Namjoon finishes the letter, he reads it again, blinking furiously as he begins to arduously go over each word, making sure he isn't misunderstanding a single syllable.
After he finishes rereading it for the fourth time, Namjoon realizes that there's no mistaking this. The letter is obviously a love letter, reminiscent of Namjoon's time in school with letters shoved into bags and lockers, and the love letter has a good reason for being here—a lost bet, something many of Namjoon's friends would absolutely take very seriously.
The only thing that stands out, however, is probably the most problematic and confusing.
Because the writer of the letter clearly believes that, somehow, Namjoon won't be able to figure out who wrote it.
That, somehow, Namjoon will have forgotten the past ten years of his life.
That, somehow, Namjoon will be so blindsided by the letter that he doesn't use his critical thinking skills during the process of reading it.
That, somehow, Namjoon won't be able to recognize the neat and messy unfixed handwriting of Jeon Jeongguk, the man Namjoon's been in love with for two years and known five times that.
Namjoon continues staring down at the letter.
He doesn't understand—he doesn't. He doesn't understand why Jeongguk would claim the anonymity of something that so clearly was written by him. Namjoon would consider that maybe Jeongguk was just writing it for someone else, but the letter even sounds just like him. Namjoon can close his eyes and imagine Jeongguk right in front of him, saying all of this with all of his heart that is always ever-growing.
Namjoon doesn't understand.
He eyes the line about the friend threatening to tell Namjoon himself, and it must be Jimin or Taehyung, but if it were Jimin and Taehyung, it only makes Namjoon inclined to believe that this is all some prank.
He reads it again, reading it with the lens of the letter being a joke, and it starts to make more sense. The claims that Namjoon wouldn't understand who wrote it, the claims that Jimin or Taehyung would just go around telling people's secrets, the claims that Namjoon has so many admirers that it makes Jeongguk blend in amongst them.
Namjoon doesn't know what to think about the more intimate parts of it. Doesn't know what to think about the "I could hear you talk about anything forever" or the "I like it when you say my name" because obviously the three of them wouldn't understand how much this only hurts Namjoon to hear. To have the man he loves dangling false intimacy in front of him as if it's all a joke.
Meanwhile, another part of Namjoon wonders about what he'd do if it were real. If Jeongguk really did just assume Namjoon's ignorance and write this because he loves Namjoon back and thinks the same way Namjoon feels Jeongguk thinks about him.
Namjoon just doesn't understand.
And he doesn't think he fully wants to deal with all of it right now. Doesn't want to have to face his own feelings even more so than he already does, doesn't want to have to face the rejection that's sure to come, doesn't want to have to face himself who has started to feel even just an inkling of hope.
Namjoon doesn't want to think about any of it.
💌
The next few days are… weird, to say the least. Namjoon hardly sees Jeongguk, but he sees the ghost of him. Sees his shoes and his jacket and his empty cups and his game controllers moved and some sketches he left lying around. Taehyung and Jimin haven't changed at all, but Namjoon is convinced there's a glint in Jimin's eyes that wasn't there before. Namjoon thinks about asking Seokjin or Hoseok about the letter, but he doesn't want them to worry. Namjoon doesn't ask Yoongi because Yoongi would make him just confront Jeongguk openly and ask about it, which Namjoon knows is the right thing to do, but Namjoon doesn't want to risk anything if there's anything to be risked at all.
Namjoon doesn't know what to do.
That all changes when Jimin comes up to him while Namjoon's eating and unsubtly asks Namjoon if he's been journaling recently.
Namjoon just stares at him. Jimin doesn't give anything away.
"I haven't," Namjoon eventually says, lying for reasons he doesn't even know. Jimin nods like he expected that.
"Well, could I see it? I'm thinking about getting a journal too and I wanted to see what you had. Is that okay?"
Namjoon goes along with it, nodding and standing up. "Yeah, just let me go get it. Be right back." He rushes off to his room, grabbing the journal and taking out the letter. He looks around his room, looking for a place to hide it before he moves over to the top drawer of his dresser, pulling out some of his underwear to cover the letter with. Finally, when it's hidden, he walks back into the kitchen, opening the journal casually, as if he hasn't in a while.
Jimin doesn't even blink as he watches Namjoon.
Now, Namjoon has never considered himself a great actor, but when he forces an easy smile on his face and hands the journal over to Jimin, he thinks that maybe he shouldn't be so hard on himself. Namjoon waits as Jimin awkwardly opens the journal up, humming absentmindedly as he flips through the pages, so casually looking for something that it's obvious that he is. Eventually, Jimin looks back up at Namjoon and frowns at him.
"Huh. Maybe I won't get this kind of journal after all."
"Well, if you need help, let me know."
Jimin only nods, walking off in the direction of Jeongguk's room, which only further confirms Namjoon's suspicions.
Namjoon really doesn't know what he's getting himself into.
💌
The second letter comes two days later, tucked away into the front of Namjoon's journal, in the same light blue envelope that the last letter was in. This time, Namjoon's name is scrawled across the top left-hand corner, the handwriting the exact same that it makes Namjoon smile at its familiarity.
Namjoon,
So, I'm unsure if you received my last letter or not, but my friend is certain you didn't so I'll just reiterate that I'm doing this because I lost a bet to a friend and this friend threatened to tell you if I didn't.
Basically, I'm in love with you. I just… I just love you. I love your heart, your smile, your words. You make me laugh. I like when I make you laugh. I like when you're near me in any capacity. I just really like you.
I don't think you'll figure out who I am and I'm counting on that. I don't want you to know. I'm not always so brave like you are.
If you do figure it out, then you can just pretend you didn't.
And if you did read the first letter and for some reason are pretending you didn't, I'm sorry for bothering you about this again. I'd appreciate knowing this time somehow if you've seen this. Honestly, just because my friend isn't fully convinced I'm even writing you these letters at all. But… for me, too, I guess.
Always yours,
Your admirer
Namjoon reads the letter six times and each time, he hears Jeongguk's voice saying this all to him in his head over and over again.
"I'm not always so brave like you are." Namjoon wants to tell Jeongguk that he's wrong, that Jeongguk is the bravest of them all, that Jeongguk continually inspires Namjoon every single day to be braver and braver and braver.
"I like when you're near me in any capacity." Namjoon wants to tell Jeongguk he likes the same thing. He wants to tell Jeongguk to stop avoiding him. He wants to ask Jeongguk what this all means.
"I just… I just love you." Namjoon doesn't even know what he'd tell Jeongguk if he heard Jeongguk say that to him. Namjoon doesn't think there are words to express it all.
Still, Namjoon isn't sure what the purpose of these letters are and he doesn't know how approach the topic right now. So, he takes the letter out, hides it away with the other one, and pretends he never opened his journal at all.
💌
The next day, Jeongguk greets Namjoon in the kitchen with a strained smile.
"Hey, hyung."
"Jeongguk." Namjoon grins at him, happy to see him, happy that Jeongguk isn't hiding from him anymore.
Jeongguk seems to brighten when Namjoon smiles at him and he returns the smile, failing at hiding a yawn as he does.
"You tired?"
Jeongguk nods, returning to cooking his food. "Yeah, I didn't sleep well."
"Oh, well, I hope you can get some sleep today. Is anything going on in particular?"
Jeongguk looks up at Namjoon but looks away as soon as Namjoon meets his gaze. Namjoon watches him swallow. "Uh… not really, no. I don't know." Jeongguk glances at Namjoon. "What about you? You seem kind of tense."
Namjoon only shrugs, wanting everything to be out in the open already but not sure on how he's supposed to approach it. "I'm just stressed. Writing, of course."
"In your journal?"
Namjoon raises a calculated eyebrow. He laughs. "What? Are you planning on getting one, too? Jimin asked me the same thing just a few days ago."
Jeongguk flushes, looking down at his food and stirring it all together vigorously. "No, no, I was just curious. Although, maybe I do need to get a new sketchbook…."
"Do you want to go shopping today then? I can help you look for one."
Finally, Jeongguk meets Namjoon's gaze head on. Namjoon is stunned for a second when he does because sometimes, sometimes, it's all so much. Too immense, too overpowering, and Namjoon feels like he's floating.
Jeongguk lets out a small laugh, turning off the stove heater. "Yeah, that sounds fun. Do you want some of my food? We can get more food later if we're hungry, obviously."
Namjoon smiles. "Yeah. That sounds perfect."
Namjoon forgets all about the letters that day, too captivated by Jeongguk to even wonder or care.
💌
The third letter is shorter, simpler, and yet it's the one that leaves Namjoon breathless. It comes in the same light blue envelope, but instead of Namjoon's name, there's an anatomical heart drawn on the envelope. It's obviously Jeongguk's art and Namjoon really doesn't know whether or not Jeongguk knows Namjoon knows or not now.
Still, he holds the letter, studying the art with a rapid-fire heart, and finally, he opens it.
Namjoon,
I love you. I love you. I love you.
I don't think I'll ever stop. I don't want to ever stop.
Always yours,
Jeongguk
The sound of a light knock on Namjoon's open door makes him jump, and he looks up, startled. Jeongguk is standing in his doorway, his arms hugging himself, making him look much smaller than he actually is. He nods toward the letter in Namjoon's hands. "I wanted to make sure you got it this time. I've sent you two already but of course you managed to lose both of them."
"Hey," Namjoon huffs. "I didn't lose them."
At that, Jeongguk pauses, staring at Namjoon with wide eyes. "Wait… you didn't?"
Namjoon blinks, looking at the top drawer of his dresser that contains the other two. "I received them both. I hid them. I don't know."
"You hid them?"
Namjoon doesn't look at Jeongguk, instead looking back down at the letter and reading over the words again and again and again.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
And, suddenly, it all makes so much more sense.
When he looks back up, Jeongguk is still frozen, his heart on his shoulder, spilling everything out in just the way he holds himself. In just the way he looks at Namjoon.
Namjoon doesn't know why he couldn't realize it sooner.
"Oh," he whispers, unable to keep the awe out of his voice. "You're in love with me."
Jeongguk continues to only stand there. Just looking at Namjoon. Finally, "I don't understand. Why didn't you tell Jimin you found the letter? Why didn't you tell me you found the second one?"
"Those two were written anonymously," Namjoon says. "And I don't know why." Namjoon glances back down at the letter, the, 'Always yours, Jeongguk,' peering back up at him. "Why did you sign your name for this one?"
Jeongguk laughs, finally moving so he's sitting on the end of the bed, close to Namjoon, but not so close it could be uncomfortable. Namjoon wishes he were closer.
"I figured it must be fate telling me to just be brave and tell you. I didn't realize you had already gotten the other two." He sighs, squeezing his eyes shut. "Fuck, I've ruined everything. I'm sorry, hyung. You can just pretend this didn't happen. You weren't supposed to know it was me. I don't know what came over me for the last letter." He keeps his eyes closed as he says everything, not opening them even when he's finished.
Namjoon can't believe he was so stupid. He also can't believe Jeongguk is maybe just as stupid as he is.
He starts laughing and Jeongguk's eyes fling open.
"Why are you laughing?"
Namjoon laughs even harder at that, not understanding how they could both make such a mess of things. "Fuck, Jeongguk, I'm sorry. It's not like you think. It's just—Jeongguk, I knew. I knew it was you since the first letter."
Jeongguk frowns at that. "What? How could you know? There's no way you knew. Did you catch me putting it in your journal or something?"
Namjoon dissolves into even more laughter at that because how does Jeongguk not realize? Jeongguk huffs and shoves Namjoon, pushing him over so Namjoon falls to the bed laughing.
"Stop laughing!"
"I thought you liked it when you make me laugh, though."
Jeongguk scrambles forward, grabbing one of Namjoon's pillows and hitting him with it. "How did you realize it was me?! Answer me, hyung, seriously."
Namjoon snickers into the bedsheet and Jeongguk hits him with the pillow again, effectively silencing Namjoon.
And Namjoon… Namjoon can't believe how ridiculous they both are. Can't believe that Jeongguk loves him back, something he never thought could happen. Can't believe that Jeongguk wrote him three love letters and expected Namjoon not to recognize his fucking handwriting.
Finally, Namjoon sighs and rolls over so his face is turned up to where it's facing Jeongguk. Jeongguk looks anxious and Namjoon immediately feels bad for laughing at the joke Jeongguk isn't in on yet so he sits up and grabs one of Jeongguk's hands in his own. Jeongguk's lips part when he does.
"Jeongguk, if you really expected me not to recognize your handwriting then you seriously underestimated just how much I'm in love with you."
Namjoon sees the moment Jeongguk's anxiety is replaced with embarrassment but he holds back another laugh, not wanting to make Jeongguk feel even worse.
"Oh," is what Jeongguk finally says, his mouth still open as he studies Namjoon's hand holding his own. Namjoon didn't think he could ever love Jeongguk more, but in that moment, he's sure that he does.
"Yeah," Namjoon confirms. He squeezes Jeongguk's hand. "I recognized your handwriting immediately of course. And just… you. I know what you're like, Jeongguk. Come on—you're like the only one I know who takes fate so seriously."
"I knew I shouldn't have included that."
"I love you. I was just confused about it, that's all. I thought that since it was so obvious to me that you were the one who wrote it that it meant it was all just a prank. I didn't know how to react to anything. And when Jimin came up to me asking about it, it only confirmed that he knew something I didn't, and I didn't want to deal with it, I guess. I just didn't know "it" was you actually being in love with me, too."
Jeongguk spends a few seconds taking it all in before finally, he lets out a soft laugh. "I'm an idiot."
"Yeah, you definitely are," Namjoon agrees immediately, grinning. "But I am too, so it's okay. We can be idiots together."
Jeongguk beams, leaning forward and wrapping his arms around Namjoon, hugging him tightly.
"I'm glad you're in love with me, hyung. I'm so happy right now I don't know how I'm supposed to react. I'm just really happy and I love you and I'm sorry I'm so stupid but also I'm not because who knows if I ever would have told you otherwise."
Namjoon smiles against Jeongguk's neck, pressing a light kiss there. Jeongguk shivers. "I love you."
They stay like that for a while, just holding each other, until finally, Jeongguk groans and leans back to look seriously into Namjoon's eyes.
"Hyung, we need to pretend we aren't in love actually."
"Why?"
Jeongguk groans again, hanging his head. "Because it's Jimin who made me do this as punishment to losing our bet. He was so convinced that you were in love with me, too. And now look at us. He was right."
"Shit," Namjoon says. He loves Jimin and knows Jimin would be nothing but happy for them, but he also knows Jimin loves being right and will be reminding him of his contribution to this for months to come.
"Okay, so how many more times do you think I can pretend I'm just not getting the letters? Like, do you'll think he'll catch on?"
Jeongguk snorts. "Honestly, since it's you, I bet he won't catch on for a while."
"I hate that you're right."
Jeongguk can only laugh himself silly against Namjoon's shoulder at that.
And Namjoon can only find himself remembering, 'Always yours, Jeongguk,' as Jeongguk laughs against him, and Namjoon wants so much to say it back.
So, maybe he'll write a letter for Jeongguk, too.
And he'll sign it just like that.
"Always yours,
Namjoon."