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Erwin yawned as soon as he sat down at his study desk, turning on his laptop, still in his pajamas. Levi slept in the other room, the sound of his steady breathing keeping him company. Ever since Levi had decided he wanted to return to Paradis, Erwin had moved heaven and earth to find them the perfect place, set on making sure that, at least this time, Levi would have everything he could possibly want. When he opened his email, the message from his real estate agent was waiting for him in the inbox. It was only half an hour ago that he had called to confirm that the sellers had accepted the offer. All he needed to do was return the signed paperwork and the house would be all theirs.
Erwin couldn't help but smile at the memory of his boyfriend's face as soon as he saw it. It had been love at first sight for Levi with the house. It was a small, white-walled cottage on the outskirts of Trost, with an open floor layout and large windows that let light flood in early in the morning.
“Are you sure we can afford it?” Levi had asked, trying to contain his excitement. “It can't be cheap.”
“It can't be much more expensive than an apartment in the city.” Erwin slipped his arm over Levi's shoulder and pressed him against his side. Having him close always calmed Erwin's anxiety. “With what we get for my apartment, and my savings, it shouldn't be a problem.”
“Tch, whatever you say.” Levi clicked his tongue against his teeth, trying to hide his embarrassment.
Erwin opened the email and downloaded the documents, reading them one last time. The coffee tasted bitter against his tongue, exhaustion taking its toll after another long sleepless night. The nightmares seemed unwilling to leave Levi alone. It wasn't the first time Erwin had locked himself in the bathroom, the shower water masking the sound of helpless tears after another sleepless night. If anyone had heard it, they could not have believed Erwin was capable of crying like a frightened child but the thought of losing Levi again still terrified him. Every time Levi woke up with his eyes wandering and his mind far away, Erwin would press him tightly against his chest and draw circles on his back. Levi looked so small in his arms as Erwin rocked him, stroking his hair and repeating "I'm here" over and over. After all this time, he didn't know if his little rituals did any good, but he hoped that feeling the warmth of his body would be enough for the memories to release their prey and bring his boyfriend back to him.
Despite all the anxiety, fear and sleepless nights, Levi was still the best thing that had ever happened to him. The last year had been the happiest of his entire life, maybe even of all his lives. Being able to fall asleep with Levi safely in his arms was everything he had ever dreamed of.
Erwin rose from the chair, tying his robe around his waist. Leaning against the doorjamb, he watched the figure of his boyfriend curled up under the covers. He could barely see the shadow of his jet hair on the pillow.
“Pervert, stop staring at me.” Levi emerged from under the covers, sleep still clinging to his eyelids. “Why are you smiling with that stupid face?”
“You're right in front of me.” Erwin shrugged before entering the room and sitting down next to him, the mattress sagging under his weight. “Are you sure you wouldn't rather sleep a little longer?”
“And spend all day in bed?” Levi sat on the edge of the bed and tried to get up.
Erwin knew something was wrong an instant before his boyfriend fell flat on his face, hitting the edge of the bedside table.
“Levi, are you all right?” Erwin barely had time to react. Startled, he reached down and squeezed Levi's cheeks in his hands, looking at every corner of his face. “You didn't hurt yourself, did you?”
“Dammit! Fuck!” he shouted with a grunt, forcing Erwin to let go. The blush was up to his ears, completely mortified. “I'm fine, it'll be a bump at best. Fuck! Damn useless legs. Help me.”
Levi raised his arms and let Erwin grab him under the armpits. His lip was trembling, the frustration clear on his face. Erwin tried to ignore him. Paying him more attention was only going to make his boyfriend feel like an invalid and that was the last thing he needed after the night they'd had.
“Hey, it's okay.” Erwin helped him sit back down on the bed. “I'll get you some ice now. Do you want me to make you some tea? Is Earl Grey all right?”
“Tch," Levi mumbled, massaging his cheek, eyes glued to the comforter. “Yeah, whatever.”
Erwin closed the door behind him and slumped against it, his back against the wood. From the other side of the door he could hear the muffled screams of his boyfriend. All the joy of having gotten his dream house seemed to have gone down the drain.
All Erwin wanted was for Levi to be okay, he would have given anything to rid him of his nightmares and give him the life they had never been able to have. Erwin just wanted to be able to make him happy. He felt foolish for thinking that once he found Levi again everything would be okay.
Levi wasn't fine. Erwin had never felt so worthless as he did at that moment. With a sigh, he made his way to the kitchen and opened the freezer, looking for the bag of cold gel. It wasn't worth regretting what he couldn't do.
When he returned to the bedroom, Levi had curled back under the covers and barely moved when he noticed his presence.
“Levi, my love," Erwin gently shook him, trying to get his attention, "at least get some icing on the bump.”
Levi snatched the blue gel pack from his hands and sank back onto the bed, disappearing completely from his sight.
“Tch, I don't know why you bother," Levi mumbled through his teeth.
Erwin was sure Levi hadn't meant for him to hear it. It wasn't worth trying to argue when Levi was in that mood. All it would do was get them to fight and it wouldn't resolve anything.
Back in the kitchen, Erwin tried to concentrate on the sound of the water boiling in the kettle and the smell of the tea. Levi was still obsessed with buying it in bulk. Half a dozen metal boxes that looked like Art Nouveau decorated the kitchen countertop marble. Erwin pulled his phone out of his robe pocket and looked at the time. As soon as they opened, he was going to have to call the restaurant and cancel the reservation they had for that night. At least he was glad he hadn't said anything to Levi, knowing that Erwin had had to cancel their plans again would have only made him feel worse.
***
Erwin dropped into bed exhausted. The month seemed like it would never end between the paperwork for the new house, selling his apartment and starting the move. Levi was finishing packing the crockery, cutlery and his tea sets, wrapping everything in newspaper and bubble wrap, while Erwin emptied the shelves in his office. Half a dozen boxes full of books were piled up by the door. It was easy to see that Levi was nervous about too many changes in such a short time, the permanent shadow under his eyes darker than usual.
Sitting in his desk chair, Erwin opened the top drawer and began emptying it of papers that had long since been rendered useless until his fingers came upon a black velvet box. For a second he had the impression that his heart had stopped. The box seemed to weigh a ton in his hands. When he opened it, the ring was still there. The design was simple, red gold, with a band of tiny black diamonds. Erwin had been browsing through half a dozen designs until he found the perfect ring. It was elegant without being showy. Had he chosen something flashier, Levi would have thrown it over his head. His boyfriend had never been a fan of ostentatious things. Except for you, blondie. Erwin could almost hear Levi teasing in his head.
The ring had been sitting in that drawer for two months, waiting for an ideal moment that had long since passed him by. Erwin had prepared everything down to the smallest detail. The excuse would have been to celebrate the fact that they finally had their new home. Erwin had rented tuxedos and made reservations at one of the most expensive restaurants in town. The evening would have been perfect. Erwin imagined a romantic dinner, just the two of them, with a bottle of red wine. Levi laughing, the alcohol staining his cheeks. Maybe later he could convince him to take a stroll on the beach under the starlight. The sound of the waves, their only company. And Erwin would have dropped to his knees, ignoring his boyfriend's protests. The knee stuck in the wet sand. The ring between his hands as an offering to their future together.
That had been the plan.
The day had ended up being very different. Levi had spent all day in bed, the pain gnarling his arm, leaving him bedridden unable to even move. Erwin squeezed the box tightly before tucking it back into the bottom of the drawer. There were days when he wasn't even sure Levi was going to say yes once he finally dared to ask that question.
***
“Erwin, what the fuck?” Levi was sitting at the breakfast bar when his eyes finally fell on the open little box next to his teacup. “What's this?”
“A ring.” Erwin looked up from the newspaper for a second and shrugged.
“I know it's a fucking ring," Levi grunted, pulling it off the white cushion it rested on and staring at it as if it were a bomb waiting to go off. “Why is there a fucking ring on the counter?”
“Marry me.”
“Tch. Like that? Nothing else?” The metal of the ring clanked as it slipped and rolled to the floor. “But why would you want to marry me? Are you out of your mind?”
“I suppose some people would consider it an illness.” Erwin bent down and picked up the ring from the floor, a smile on his face. Levi hadn't said no yet. “I love you. Do I need anything else to want to marry you?”
“If that's what you want," Levi mumbled, raising his cup of hot tea to his lips. “You're an idiot.”