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after a four hour impulsive drive in the middle of the night, me and Michael Holden, out of all people, are sitting in my car in a field just after sunrise.
i don't know exactly why we're here, or what led up to this, but here we are, in the middle of nowhere. there's no phone signal and our car is parked close to a set of train tracks.
after i got my license, i started taking impulsive trips to who knows where, and Michael would always come along. sometimes we'd take nothing at all, nothing was different in my room except for a small note on my door that i was gone, specifically for charlie so he didn't have to worry that i was murdered, or something.
this was one of those impulsive trips.
i tap michael on the shoulder. since he's half blind, he technically can't drive, so i did all the driving here. i got used to it, i'd stay awake on energy drinks and coffee.
'hey.' i say, placing my hand on top of his, which was on his leg, and squeezing it.
he doesn't wake up, so i decide to just leave him alone.
suddenly, his head turns to face me, and i don't know exactly why i do this, but i take my hand and gently caress his cheek. i guess it's a bit romantic.
then, his eyes open, his eyes zoom around the car for a moment before he focuses on me, and then he smiles.
'hi.' he smiles.
'hey. goodmorning.'
'goodmorning.'
i take my hand off his cheek and he looks through the car window.
'welcome to the middle of nowhere.' i laugh.
'again?' he teases.
'apparently so.'
he looks across the landscape and he almost looks likes he's in awe.
'this is so beautiful.' he smiles, and then tries to open the door.
'it's locked.' i laugh and unlock the door, 'i didn't want some murderer murdering us while you were asleep.'
'oh my god.' he laughs and then opens the door, stepping out, i do the same.
i lock the car again and then stand next to him, he just keeps staring all around. then he sees the train tracks.
'are those train tracks?' he asks.
'yeah, obviously.' i laugh at him.
'are you planning to murder me?' he teases, elbowing my shoulder, which i do back.
'hm,' i say. 'maybe.'
he laughs for a moment, and then stands so he's facing me.
'can i kiss you?' he asks.
'michael, we've been dating for two years, you don't have to ask.'
we laugh together and then i stand on my tip toes and kiss him.
‘you’re so pretty.’ he says.
‘fuck off.’ i rest my forehead against his and our fingers intertwine.
he smiles and i can’t help but feel a bit warm inside. it’s a bit funny, but michael, genuinely, is probably one of the most beautiful things in existence.
we stand there for a bit, kissing every few minutes. it feels nice to be free. everyone knows we’re dating now, but i’m still stuck in 17 year old tori’s mindset that telling people me and michael are in a relationship would ruin the bond between me and him, especially because mum. she still fucking tries to use nick against charlie now. warning to ground him from seeing nick if he does any fuck up. i absolutely hate her.
michael and i break away from eachother and he goes back to looking at our surroundings.
‘how come you always find pretty places to take us?’ he laughs.
‘i just drive in a random direction until i see a place worth going to.’
‘makes sense. you’re very good at it.’
‘i know.’ i smile.
my eyes are hooked onto the train tracks. michael notices.
‘are you sure you don’t want to murder me with a train?’ he jokes.
‘i want to run across them.’
‘wouldn’t that be illegal?’
‘definitely, but who cares? we’re in the middle of fields, no police are gonna be here.’
i actually start to walk away from him and towards the tracks. it’s a bit funny. i don’t exactly think i’m going to them for a reason people might think. i don’t want to kill myself, or i did, maybe i still do, but killing yourself by being ran over a train is a bit silly. whenever i see train tracks i see freedom.
‘come on.’ i say, looking back at him.
he looks at the car, then me, then the car, then back at me. he stares at me for a few seconds, then almost smiles, and then walks over to me.
‘were you being serious about wanting to run across the tracks?’ he asks, looking at the ground.
‘yeah.’
he looks at me, opens his mouth a few times, and then settles on one sentence.
‘well, you better not kill us. if i or you die it’s on you.’ he smirks.
‘you actually want to run with me?’ i ask. maybe it’s weird to be surprised.
‘why wouldn’t i?’
‘i just — didn’t think you’re interested in doing this stuff.’
‘tori spring, i’d do anything with you.’
i don’t exactly know how to respond to that, so i pick up his hand and kiss it. then i intertwine our fingers again.
‘you’re so pretty.’ he says once more.
‘how many times are you gonna say that to me in your lifetime?’ i tease.
‘as many times it takes til you believe it.’
‘i believe it.’ i say, it’s partially a lie.
‘then i’ll never stop telling you it, sorry, you’re stuck with me calling you pretty forever.’ he laughs.
‘even in the afterlife?’
‘even in the afterlife.’
‘why did i even meet you.’
‘because,’ he says ‘you were interested in solitaire and then we realised it was —‘
‘not another solitaire rant.’ i put my hand over his mouth.
‘i want to finish my story!!’ his voice is muffled.
‘we have train tracks to run on.’ i take my hand off his mouth and once again intertwine it with his own.
we look at eachother, then at the space that separates us between the grass and the train tracks, and then we’re running. we get to the edge of the train tracks and almost trip on them, then we’re on the tracks themselves running like there was nothing else to do in the world, because there wasn’t, and that was okay.
i separate my hand from michael but we still somehow are going at the same pace, i have a feeling michael is being slower than usual for me, he obviously runs faster than me, he does speedskating for a living for gods sake.
i’m not exactly paying attention to him right now. something i’ve learned is sometimes you have to pay attention to the other things. i love michael but we’ve both agreed that sometimes you have to ignore everything but yourself for a bit. i think it makes it a bit better that michael is by my side, though.
i feel free running. i feel free from the worries, from trauma, from everything i’ve ever wanted to escape. there’s something so beautiful about doing something you’ve always wanted to do.
suddenly, michael grasps my hand, he’s a bit behind me.
i stop and look at him. he grabs something from his pocket and then kneels on his knee.
‘tori,’ he says, a bit out of breath, then opens the box he’s holding. ‘will you marry me?’
holy shit. i actually do not know what to say. do i say yes? how the fuck am i supposed to respond to a proposal?
i stand there without a response. i actually do not know how to react. i am so happy and have no words on how to do this, yes, i want to marry michael holden, but it’s so hard to get it into words.
‘i — we don’t have to - i know it’s early and i had a specific day planned to propose to you but i always took the ring on these trips because uhm — i just - i wanted to know if maybe there was a time that i thought was more perfect and you just seemed so happy right now — and i love when you’re happy - so i just wanted to do it - we don’t have to.’ he looks like he’s about to cry. ‘i don’t have to marry you.’
i’m tearing up. ‘i want to marry you, michael. i want to marry you.’
‘are you s —‘
i collapse onto my knees into his arms. i’m crying. he closes the box and wraps his arms around me.
we sit there for a few minutes. thank god trains don’t go through here often.
‘give me the ring.’ i say.
he takes his arms away from around me and opens the ring box. i look at it a bit more and i realise what it is.
‘the main stone is shaped like that solitaire heart symbol.’ he says. ‘i thought you’d like it.’
the heart symbol was our thing after solitaire ended. we took something traumatic and turned it into something beautiful, knowing the night in the river was beautiful and not beautiful in the same way, we had to make something good out of it, so that was just our little thing.
it was michael’s idea. it’s special to me, too, though.
‘i love it.’ i say.
he looks at the me, then the ring, then my ring finger.
i give him an approving nod, and then he grabs it and puts it onto my finger.
‘i always thought rings were a bit silly.’ he says. ‘but i got the opportunity to get you this one made for you and i thought it was perfect. you don’t have to wear it all the time though.’ he breathes. ‘a pretty, expensive thing doesn’t show how much we love eachother.’
‘i’ll wear it.’ i say. ‘i love it.’
he smiles.
‘i love you so much.’ i smile at him.
‘i love you too.’
i put my hands on either side of his cheeks and kiss him. it’s funny that even two years later it still feels like the first real kiss we had. it still feels all the same. in a good way.
‘we probably should get off the tracks before a cop comes.’
‘cops arn’t gonna be out here.’ i laugh.
‘well, before a murderer comes.’
‘there’s no murderers in the middle of nowhere.’
‘you’re saying that as a true crime nerd?’ he laughs.
‘i hate you.’
‘i love you too, tori.’
‘i’m hungry.’
‘finally, we have a reason to get off the tracks.’
‘can we just sit here for a few more minutes?’ i ask.
he’s silent for a moment.
‘yeah, we can stay here. for only a few though.’
i smile at him. he smiles at me.
‘i’m so happy i get to marry you.’ i say.
‘i’m so happy i get to marry you too, tori spring.’