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She watched him from upstairs on her balcony. He hadn’t noticed her yet, but at the same time, it looked as if he was waiting for her.
Ema wasn’t sure what to do. She had declined every advance, every brother, except one. She wasn’t sure if it was right to face him now. “Subaru-san,” she breathed, wanting to call out, but unsure how.
She had only known him for about a year now, but she felt like she had met him years before. Calm and determined, yet shy and nervous. Her heart seemed to beat faster whenever she was reminded of the way he felt about her. Unshaking love, just like the rest of them. But this was different to her. She wasn’t sure why, but she wasn’t able to shoot him down like she could to Fuuto or Tsubaki.
Subaru made her feel special. When he claimed that he won because of her, she told him it was silly, but she was happy to be a good luck charm of sorts. When he told her he loved her, she felt her face flush, and a smile emerged on her face. Even if it was an accident, when he kissed her on his birthday… It was different from the kisses she had shared with the other brothers.
She had been trying to lie to herself for a while, but she had to admit it now that she was looking at him, alone with her thoughts. She loved him. She was deeply in love with him, Subaru Asahina, and now, from the looks of it, he was leaving without a trace.
Without even saying goodbye.
Ema wasn’t sure what this feeling was. Guilt, sadness, maybe anger. But she knew she was going to do something about it.
Releasing her grip on the railing, she pulled the sliding door open and raced for the stairs. She had no time to lose. She couldn’t miss this chance.
Ema was nearly out of breath when she finally reached the bottom floor. She pushed her bangs out of her eyes, and stood in the lobby for a moment, waiting to catch her breath. She stared down at her pink slippers on the tile floor, realizing she should’ve worn something better. But it didn’t matter now.
Standing in the exit, she pressed her hand against the glass door. It was cold. It reminded her of what she was just about to step out in to. It was the middle of January, she wasn’t dressed for this, but by the look of it, neither was Subaru.
She looked at her hand. It was shaking. She was nervous. She wasn’t sure what Subaru was going to say, and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to find out. But she had to. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath in, and pushed the door open.
One, two, three steps. He still hadn’t noticed her. “Subaru-san,” she called out in almost a whisper. She was scared.
He turned to look at her. He didn’t say anything as a response, only looked at her. Even in the low light, Ema could see a hint of a blush on his face. At least that confirmed her deepest concerns. He didn’t hate her, at least not yet.
Her words lingered, as if it was echoing out to him. She dared to take a step closer. The ground was flat, but she felt unsteady, as if the world would flip on her at any moment. But she wanted to see him.
She wanted to see that messy hair, that anxious look, that bright flush. She wanted to see him smile at her again, wanted to feel his strong arms around her again, wanted to cry in to his chest again. She wanted to do everything over again and now, she was scared wouldn’t ever do anything with him again.
“Ema, you…” she halted when he called her name. It felt so different, so empty. She felt a twinge of sadness when she heard it. He wasn’t exactly happy to see her.
She glanced down at the wood beneath her, then took another step to him. “Subaru-san… Where are you going?” she asked, rubbing her arms with her hands to stay warm.
He looked at her, but didn’t respond. His eyes looked troubled.
“Forget everything I’ve said before,” he said, looking away from Ema.
‘Forget everything? Forget when he taught me the proper way to even throw a basketball, forget when he told me not to worry so much about doing chores, forget when he smiled, placed a hand on my shoulder, and told me he loved me for the first time?’ Ema thought, holding her hands to her chest. She was staring down at the ground.
“And… Forget everything I did before, just start fresh,” he told her.
‘Forget how tightly he hugged me after he won the game, forget when he kissed me for the first time, drunk enough to pass out only seconds after? Forget everything he’s done for me , when he helped me study for the Meiji exam?’
Her hands wrapped around the fabric of her pajamas, twisting it around and around in her fingers. Her mind was racing, trying to find a logical reason that she would be so upset.
But her heart had given her an answer already. She just had to listen to it.
“I don’t want to forget.”
He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it. She wanted to hear him speak, to accept that she loved him.
“The way I am now…” Subaru began, turning away from Ema. She reached one of her hands out, wanting to touch him to remind him that she was still here. “There’s no way I could ever make you happy,” he sighed. Before she could grab his hand, he took a step away, walking away from the apartment building.
She wanted to run after, but her feet were stuck in place. Her hand slowly fell back to her side, disappointed at herself, that she didn’t call out his name.
Before he turned the corner, before he truly solidified that he was leaving, he looked back at her. His expression was wavering, almost like he didn’t want to leave either. Ema’s hand raised to her lips, almost as if her body was forcing her to stay silent. She felt her eyes begin to water, and she pressed her hand harder against her lips to keep from telling him that she was about to cry.
But he was gone.
Ema sat in her bed, knees pulled to her chest. She didn’t sleep much. She was already so worried about Subaru. What was he up to? Was he sleeping well? If this was really supposed to help him go pro, she was ready and willing to support him, but why did he tell her he couldn’t ever make her happy the way he is?
She was in love with what he is, not what he wanted to be. She didn’t want him to never fluster like Kaname, or teasingly flirt with her like Tsubaki. She never wanted to have Subaru come on strong like Natsume or Fuuto, or never speak of the way he felt like Iori. Ema liked Subaru the way he is.
It hurt that he thought he wasn’t enough.
“Chii, stop moping! He’ll be fine!” Juli huffed, pouncing over to sit at her feet. “But-” she started, but Juli folded his arms. “He’s just another wolf in sheep’s clothing! The less I have to worry about, the better!” he insisted.
It was then that she decided not to worry about it. She didn’t have time to worry about it, graduation was coming close. She was supposed to be happy.
And that’s how she did it. She kept a smile on her face, and her mind shut off. The two weeks passed in a blurry daze. Ema hardly even remembered the party they had for her. If it weren’t for the pictures in her camera, she would deny it even happened.
She took a deep breath as she sealed the final box. It was the start of her new life. She would be living in university dorms soon, which meant she would be on her own again. It was scary, in a way.
She was almost completely packed. The only thing she had left to pack was the large furniture. It was a little intimidating. Her room felt so empty, so lonely.
She grabbed her phone to shoot one more text at Yusuke to check if he had finished packing, since they were both moving in to the dorms, and tossed it over to her bed. She looked at it for a moment before turning to look at her balcony.
She pulled the glass doors open, and sighed as she leaned against the railing. It was late in the night. It reminded her of two weeks ago when she was looking down at Subaru. She could imagine him standing there, staring up at her.
“Maybe I’ll see him at Meiji,” she sighed.
And she did. Masaomi had just left the room, and Ema was finally cozying up to her room. It was far smaller than her old apartment at the mansion. Gone was the full bathroom and massive kitchen and the nice TV. She kind of missed it.
And she was on her own again too. The dorms weren’t exactly welcoming to squirrels, so she had to leave Juli in the care of Louis. He wasn’t exactly thrilled about that, but she insisted she would be fine.
She glanced at the window before she heard a knock on her door. She set her phone on her desk and opened the door.
Looking up at him, she was over the moon. He was here. “Subaru-san… You can’t be here, this is the girls dorm,” she told him, even if she really wanted to see him.
He didn’t respond to that. “Ema…” he started, but she stopped him in his tracks before he could say any more depressing things. She wrapped her arms around him, pulling the fabric of his tank top in to her hands so she felt like he wouldn’t leave.
“Against all reason, you’re still the woman I love,” he said, lips pressed against her forehead.
“I love you too,” she said, pulling away from his chest to look up at his face. He smiled, and slowly, his face lowered, and his lips pressed against hers.
It felt just the same as it did the first time, that moment that she could never forget. Magical. Sweet. Loving. She leaned in, clasping his face in her hands. She was happy in his arms. Happy here .