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Julian and Ezri arrive late in the evening and Miles greets them on the doorstep with a wide, uncontrollable grin.
Ezri steps forwards and hugs him tightly. “I’m sorry about you and Keiko.”
Miles shrugs off her concern. “Ah, we’re better off apart. We’re still friends.”
She smiles, compassionate to the core. “Even so.”
There’s no hint of hesitation before he hugs Julian as well. “It’s been a long time.”
“Too long.”
He looks at the two of them, trying to spot any differences from the last time he saw them. Ezri seems to have put a little weight on, but then she would have, wouldn’t she? It’s not much, though, and he probably wouldn’t have noticed if he hadn’t known to look for it. Julian is still as lanky as ever, though. Probably still skipping meals when he gets distracted by his work or by some other sort of puzzle.
They’re all glad to see each other again, and the three of them sit up talking until well after midnight, just happy to be together. It’s not that much like old times, but it’s close enough that it feels good.
-
Miles is in the kitchen the next morning when Julian appears in the doorway, wearing pyjama trousers and no shirt. Miles hasn’t seen him shirtless for a very long time, and he finds himself a bit flustered at the sight. He doesn’t quite know where to look, and it’s not even an especially nice chest, it’s just… well, it’s his best friend, who he’s willing to admit is on the attractive side overall, and Miles is newly-single and just getting back into the habit of looking at people.
Julian yawns and stretches his arms above his head.
“You look like you’ve hardly slept. It wasn’t the bed, was it?” The spare room has rarely been slept in and the bed there is new and untested.
Julian shakes his head. “Oh, no, no, the bed’s fine. Certainly more comfortable than those things back on the station.”
“Bad dreams?” That’s a definite possibility, they’ve all been through a lot.
“No, it’s…” Julian leans over the kitchen table towards Miles, conspiratorial. He looks like he’s trying to work out how to phrase something difficult, and then he suddenly blurts out, “Pregnant Trills are incredibly libidinous.”
Miles raises his eyebrows at that. “Yeah?”
“She wants sex all the time, Miles, I can’t keep up!”
The haunted expression on Julian’s face makes Miles laugh. “I wish I had your problems.”
“It’s not funny!”
But he can’t hide his amused grin. “It’s not?”
Julian stares at him, open-mouthed, and then finally he smiles too. “I suppose it’s a bit funny.” He falls silent and he looks around the room. “Why do you have a kitchen anyway? Who has a kitchen these days?”
“I told you, I’ve been looking into new hobbies since Keiko and I split up. It was this or a train set.”
“I think you should have gone with the train set,” says Julian, but his eyes are sparkling with mischief.
“You’ll like the food well enough,” Miles predicts. “I’ve got pretty good at cooking.”
“Do you have many dinner guests?”
“Not really.” He shrugs. “I keep to myself, mostly. And I’m busy with the kids when they’re here anyway.”
Julian looks like he’s about to comment on that, but he has to know that he’s in no position to tell anyone else that they’re letting themselves get lonely. Miles silently dares him to try it, but in the end he doesn’t.
“What’s the plan for today?” asks Miles when the awkward silence has lasted too long.
“We’re going to visit the Institute this afternoon, to see Jack and the others. You should come with us.”
He’s surprised by the suggestion. “Me?”
“They like you.”
“They think I’m ‘uncomplicated’.”
Julian winces. “You’re never going to let that go, are you? They didn’t mean anything by it. They meant well.”
“You really care about them, don’t you?” It comes back to him as he says it – he had forgotten, somehow, how much Julian lit up around them, like a circuit that had finally been switched on.
“More than is probably wise.”
“Well, tell them I was thinking about them. They’re not a bad lot, really.”
Julian seems pleased by this concession. “They’re not.”
“Do you ever hear from the other one? What was her name again?”
“Sarina. She’s doing quite well, last I heard. She fits in, doesn’t upset people.” Julian suddenly has a wistful expression that doesn’t match the slightly resentful look in his eyes and Miles changes the subject.
-
Miles is in the kitchen at around midnight when Julian walks in, dressed in his pyjamas. At least he has a shirt on this time.
“Ezri’s asleep.”
Which probably means that Julian’s just had his brains shagged out of him. Lucky bastard. But Miles says, “And you?”
“Too many thoughts in my head.”
“Because of the visit this afternoon?”
Julian nods. He runs his fingers over a scratch on the kitchen table. “They asked me if the baby’s going to be a freak too.” Miles doesn’t form the obvious question but Julian answers it anyway: “It might be,” he says, quietly. He looks up and smiles without amusement. “I have very good genes, Miles.”
Miles shrugs. “Ezri has genes too.”
“She does.”
“So stop worrying. And even if the kid’s a bit too clever, what’s the problem? You said it yourself, there’s no stigma in success.” He touches Julian’s arm. “Get some sleep. You’ll be on 2am feeds before you know it.”
“Thank you.”
“I didn’t say much.”
Julian smiles. “Yet somehow it was perfect.”
“I guess I’m a genius too, then,” he jokes.
“Oh, never doubt it.” It’s said with a smile but it sounds sincere. “Good night, Miles.”
“Good night.”
-
Ezri has left them alone for the afternoon, saying that they need a chance to catch up properly. She probably means that they need a chance to talk about her while she’s not there, as though they were a pair of gossiping old women, but neither of them complains about it – they like spending time together, they enjoy each other’s company. They open a bottle of whiskey and talk about old times and about newer ones as well. The conversation weaves and wanders until suddenly the topic really is Ezri and Julian looks troubled.
“Ezri and I had almost split up before we realised she was pregnant,” he says. “We’ve had a lot of disagreements,” he admits. “Arguments, really, I should say. She’s getting tired of me.” His voice is flat and his expression is somewhere between tired and sorrowful.
“Maybe it was just hormones,” suggests Miles, though even he doubts that optimistic take on things.
Julian shakes his head. “No, we’re drifting apart. It’s inevitable.”
“What about all that sex the two of you have been having?” asks Miles, already getting a bit desperate for something encouraging to say.
Julian takes a drink from his glass. “Now that’s hormones.”
Miles doesn’t know if he’s supposed to laugh at that or not, so he errs on the side of caution and doesn’t. “Is it you or her?”
“It’s both of us. We’re starting to annoy each other.”
“Maybe -” Miles begins.
But Julian keeps talking, only half-listening at this point. “Sometimes she says that I’m still in love with Jadzia. And she’s right, I am. I loved Jadzia and I love Ezri.” He shrugs. “Maybe I just love Dax.”
Miles takes the ensuing silence as a cue to speak again. “And that’s… bad?”
“Obviously.”
“Look, I can’t pretend that I understand Joined Trills -”
“No one does.”
“- but she is Dax. If you love Dax then you love her, right?”
“That’s not how she sees it. She wants to be her own person, she doesn’t want to be a replacement for anyone else.” He shrugs. “I told her she should talk to someone at the Symbiosis Commission, but she hated that idea too.” He sits his empty glass back down on the table and stares at it. When he looks at Miles again there’s an odd expression on his face. “Can I tell you something?”
“Anything.”
Julian turns towards him. “I love you.”
“I know,” says Miles. “You tell me every time you get drunk enough to fall off a chair.”
Julian shakes his head. “That’s not what I mean. I mean I love you. I’m in love with you. Always have been.”
“Even back when I hated you?” That seems like the easiest thing to say. It’s certainly better than having to stop talking and process Julian’s confession properly.
“Even then. Why did you think I was so eager to spend time with someone who clearly couldn’t stand me?”
Miles shrugs. “I thought you were just desperate for attention.”
“I was,” he admits, “but I was also in love with you.”
“You never said anything.”
“Well, there was Keiko to consider.”
Of all the arrogant things he’s ever heard… “You really think I’d have left her for you?”
Julian shrugs. “You might have.”
“In your dreams, maybe,” says Miles, because he doesn’t know what he would actually have done if Julian had made a move on him back then. “And what about Ezri?”
“That’s almost over, one way or another.”
“You can’t just -”
“Miles, please. She’s about to leave me, I can tell. All this,” he waves a hand in this air, “is our last attempt to pretend that everything’s fine. So with that in mind…” He takes a deep breath and then he leans towards Miles with his head tilted to the right, lips slightly parted.
They’re about to kiss. They’ve known each other for nine years – best friends for most of that – and here it is, finally, the moment where they cross a line. Miles wonders what it’ll be like, and if they’ll ever be able to stop once they get started. He can’t pretend that he hasn’t thought about it, especially since Keiko left. He’s quite keen on the idea, all told. But the circumstances don’t feel right and he pulls away at the last possible moment. “No.”
Julian freezes in place. “Why not?” He sounds confused.
Indignation comes easily. “What the hell do you mean ‘why not’? Have you forgotten about your pregnant girlfriend?”
“I told you,” says Julian, far too calmly, “things haven’t been going well between us.”
“And you think this will help?” asks Miles, exasperated. “Grow up, Julian.”
“I’m thirty-six,” he says, mildly.
“Then act like it!” He shifts towards the other side of the sofa, putting a bit of distance between them. “I don’t believe in very much these days, but one of the things I do believe is that if someone’s having your baby you should do your best to stay at their side.”
“That’s quite an old-fashioned idea,” says Julian, unmoved.
“Well, maybe I’m an old-fashioned kind of guy,” he responds, irritated.
They sit staring at each other in silence for far too long. Finally Julian clears his throat and speaks. “I’m taking Ezri out to dinner this evening. We’re going to talk things over.”
“Good luck.” He really does mean it.
Julian gets to his feet. “I’ll need it.”
-
When Ezri and Julian get back from dinner they look happy; apparently the evening went well. They must have sorted things out between them, and that’s good. It’s very good. Which is about when Miles realises that he’d been sort of hoping they’d actually split up. It makes him feel awful, but he’d have liked a chance with Julian, of some sort. Something guilt-free.
They hover in the hallway, grinning. Julian whispers something in Ezri’s ear.
She shakes her head. “You should tell him.”
“No, go on.”
So Ezri is the one who shocks him with it: “We’re getting married.”
Where the hell did that come from? Miles catches himself before he can say anything stupid. “When?”
“We haven’t picked a date yet,” says Julian, “but probably before the baby’s born.”
“I’m happy for the both of you,” says Miles, making himself smile despite the sinking sensation in his stomach. He shakes Julian’s hand, pats his shoulder. He hugs Ezri and kisses her cheek. It feels a bit like that’s the wrong way round, but it’s what he does. It’s what’s expected of him, anyway. He’s very, very good at doing what’s expected of him.
-
It’s hours before he can get Julian alone after that. He finally catches him at the bottom of the stairs, on his way to bed. “Can I have a word?”
Julian glances up the stairs, after Ezri, and then he nods and he and Miles head back into the living-room.
Miles checks that the door has closed behind them and then he says, “This afternoon you thought she was about to dump you, and now you’re marrying her? What happened?”
“You told me to grow up, so I did.”
Miles closes his eyes for a moment. “Don’t put this on me, Julian, I don’t want that sort of responsibility.”
“No, it’s just that you were right, I have to try and stay with her.”
“So you’re, what, staying together for the baby? Surely even you’re not daft enough to think that’s going to fix things?”
“It’s not just that. I told you, I love her, and I think most of the time she loves me too. We can do this.”
Miles doesn’t want to be the one who talks Julian out of staying with Ezri but he suddenly wants to try kissing him, to see what might happen to this new resolve of Julian’s if he did. He imagines it would shatter, but maybe that’s just wishful-thinking on his part.
He doesn’t kiss Julian. He says, “Look, if it doesn’t work out, I’m here for you.”
Julian looks at him, caution in his expression. “In what sense?”
Miles takes the risk: “In any sense.”
There’s a pause that lasts just long enough to be worrying, and then Julian nods. “I’ll let you know.”
-
They’ll be leaving in the morning to stay with Julian’s parents for a few days. That’s probably going to be awkward as all Hell. Miles is glad he won’t have to be around for that.
The electronic soundproofing is a bit shaky tonight (he’ll fix it in the morning, when he’ll need something to do with his friends gone) and there are sounds from the spare room, muffled and vague. He can’t make out any words, but he doesn’t need to; he hears them arguing before they go to bed and he hears them making up afterwards (which takes a while – no wonder Julian complained about her appetites, the poor bloke must be knackered).
Things were a lot simpler before Julian told him that he was in love with him. He isn’t sure if he’s in love with Julian – he thought about it all evening and he’s still not sure. He might be.
But Julian’s having a baby and the last thing he needs right now is Miles messing things up further by declaring that he loves him back. Let him stay with Ezri, that’s the best thing for everyone. Well, maybe it’s not the best thing for Miles, but he’s used to life not working out for him.
Miles stares into the darkness and tries to feel optimistic for once.
-
Maybe he’s a bit too happy to see Ezri go, and maybe he hugs Julian just a bit too tightly when they leave. It’s fine, though, by the time they all see each other again he’ll have forgotten about these things. It won’t matter then, so it doesn’t matter now either.
“Good luck with your parents,” he says, as he releases Julian from that hug.
“They’ll just be glad I’m finally settling down. Passing on those genes that they paid so much for.” He says it like it’s nothing, but Miles knows that he’s still angry about that and probably always will be.
Miles turns to face Ezri and she kisses his cheek. “We’ll see you at the wedding.”
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he says. He doubts that they’ll make it that far, and he feels guilty for that doubt. For the doubt and for the little spark of hope that’s started appearing when he thinks about their relationship ending. He hates himself for it, but it’s there and he can’t get rid of it.
He waves them off with a smile on his face, and when he goes back into the house he leans against the front door and closes his eyes. He takes a deep breath and he tries to feel okay again. It almost works, too.