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Oguma (half-asleep): Shame you lost your leg, son. Remember you have an appointment at the groomer's tomorrow at ten.
Louis: Huh?
Oguma: Don't forget to take your antiparasitic meds, and no licking your testicles in public.
Louis: I beg your pardon?
Oguma: Also, no rubbing your butt on carpets this time around.
Louis: Uh, Father...
Oguma: Seriously, the smell was a nightmare to rub off. Still, it cost way less than your flea and heartworm medicines.
Louis: Father...
Oguma: Lastly, it bears repeating: no drinking from the toilet bowl. I know you get thirsty on summertime, but that's no excuse to be a--
Louis: FATHER!
Oguma (snaps back to reality): Huh!?
Louis: You're doing it again! You keep mistaking me for a Pomeranian!
Oguma: Oh... so I did. Apologies, son. Didn't get much sleep last night.
Louis: The medicated cannabis lozenges aren't working?
Oguma: They are, but I'm starting to cut back. I don't want a repeat of the previous incident.
Louis: The one where you snuck out in the middle of a meeting and had a drink underneath a spotlight, where some idiot mistook you for the Jägermeister Deer, promised to stop drinking, gambling and womanizing 'coz he thought you were Hardcore Business Jesus?
Oguma (deadpan): No.
Louis: The one where you insisted on baking that cake for the business convention, mistook crack cocaine for flour, got everyone high as a kite? Made for an interesting adaptation of Lord of the Flies, all things considered.
Oguma (still deadpan): No. That's what I get for giving the maid the day off.
Louis: Was it the one where you cosplayed as Rudolph for that charity event at the children's hospital and gave the staff and patients unwanted nosebleeds when you accidentally ripped off your shirt?
Oguma (deadpan still): No... although nosebleeds did play a part in it.
Louis: You had the special blue lozenge instead of a green one, didn't you? (Oguma keeps quiet). No need to be upset, Father. Happens to the best of us. Who hasn't walked into a business meeting with an unsightly bo--
Oguma: Not. Another. Word. (Louis shrugs). Come back and lecture me when it happens three times in a row, you're still sedated, wake up in a dumpster in the middle of bumblefuck nowhere, then you get a torrent of angry phone calls 'coz you somehow fathered twenty hybrid children in a single night.
Louis: Uh... that half-hippo baby's pretty cute, though.
Oguma (absolutely deadpan): Not. Helping. (Brief pause). Way things are going, I'm gonna wind up in a car crash, give you a final goodbye in time for that dumbass autistic wolf-reptile man-crush of yours to fight a creepy yet strangely sexy gazelle with fangs right after you bathe yourself in your own blood, give a rousing press conference about all the evils society likes to pretend aren't there, but they are 'coz the gods (or in this case, Ita-san) won't leave us the hell alone, thus closing the black market and leaving you stuck in a loveless arranged marriage even though you could just, oh I dunno, call the whole thing off, seeing how I just shuffled off my mortal coil and all.
Louis: That sounds like a Z-Tier fanfic. Hope things don't go that way.
Oguma: Hope all you want. It won't change a thing. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta visit my other nineteen hybrid children I won't publicly acknowledge. Try not to pis--urinate on the carpet this time. (Leaves).
Louis: 0_0