Chapter Text
The second BJ laid eyes upon his RA, he knew transferring to a bigger university was a big mistake.
Rugged is putting it nicely. A somewhat crusty man who looked around 22 in the face, but 40 when you looked at his gray hairs peeking under a bucket hat with fish hooks attached all over it, was a sight to see. Not to mention, a ‘women want me fish fear me’ t-shirt was something BJ had never seen worn by someone younger than fifty. He took a full ten seconds and a loud sigh just to stand up from the couch in the hallway lounge. He looked like he hadn’t slept in a week. The second floor west hallway lounge was packed with talkative students, a table and chairs, a couple couches, and an odor that can only be smelt in an unairconditioned dorm. BJ stands in the corner, scanning the room for his random roommate assignment. No one noticed him since he walked in, everyone seemingly in their roommate pairs already.
Above all the commotion of residents, the fisherman with the bad back bangs a metal clipboard against the windowsill and shouted, “Listen up ladies and germs—“
He is immediately interrupted by the hairiest person BJ has ever seen wearing a dress, “Excuse me but is ‘germs’ a gender-neutral term?”
The RA pretends he didn’t hear. “My name is Henry Blake. No drinking if you are under 21. Quiet hours are from 10pm to 8am. The RA on duty number is posted on my door. There’s a strict policy at University of Saint…”
BJ stops listening. A lanky, dark-haired, big-nosed guy in a Hawaiian shirt walks through the door, ten minutes late. The man immediately makes eye contact and walks straight toward him.
He gets so close that BJ can smell him. “You’re BJ,” he whispers.
BJ tries to look as composed as possible. First impressions on new friends are important. “How did you know?” They were only given names of their roommate assignments, not photos. And their keys haven’t even been passed out yet.
“I stalked you on the internet. Nice prom photos. Cute dog. Very pretty girlfriend.” The man smirks as if social media stalking was nothing to be ashamed of, and in fact, very hip and cool.
“Fiancé, actually,” was all BJ could think of to say back.
“Jesus. How old are you?”
“Twenty.”
The man’s barely-there eyebrows furrow. “Are you a sophomore?”
BJ nods.
As if there’s not over 10,000 students, the man asks, “Then how come I’ve never seen you here before?”
“I transferred from community college this year. I took my gen-eds there and lived at home to save some money.”
“First time away from home, huh? Let’s go out tonight and I’ll show you around.” The man whispers this in his ear so close it gives BJ a shiver. He prays to God that his roommate didn’t see it.
Henry calling out, “Pierce and Hunnicut!” snapped BJ awake from the trance of blue eyes. He missed everything the RA has said since Hawaiian shirt walked in.
“That’ll be our keys,” Pierce says with a wink.
—
While they unpack, Hawkeye tells him why he’s called Hawkeye, which bars near the campus card and don’t card, what made him decide to be a nurse, the process of his ADHD diagnosis, and the best Chinese restaurant in town and how much he likes to work there. BJ laughs when Hawkeye makes some dull stories effortlessly funny and goes “uh huh” and “that’s crazy” and “yeah that’s cool” and can’t get a word into the conversation other than that.
Hawkeye comes back up from his car with one final suitcase and lays it gently on the bed like it’s alive. He starts to pull out glass and plastic parts each wrapped in paper.
“Are you some kind of mad scientist? What are all the beakers for?”
“Gin. I make it and drink it and sell it.”
BJ’s jaw drops. “You are making moonshine in the dorm? You are 20! You’ll get us kicked out!”
“Don’t worry Beej,” Hawkeye says, and the new nickname makes BJ forget about the moonshine for half a second, “Henry is in on it. I give him booze for free and he turns a blind eye and we pass all our room inspections. I lived in this hall last year and this is his third year of being an RA. The man is exhausted and broken from all the shit he’s seen and will do anything for a free drink.”
BJ thinks of the fish hat covering up prematurely gray hairs. This sounds about right.
“If you’re uncomfortable with it I can build the still in Klinger’s room and give him a cut of the profits. I’ll give you a cut if you’re cool with it in here.”
BJ thinks about his student loans he had to take out this year and suddenly it’s not a bad idea.
They shake hands. “Deal.”
“Once I finish setting it up, let’s go out.”
——
Hawkeye changes into a gray t-shirt and a nice red jacket. BJ pulls a pink henley shirt out of the drawer and Hawkeye watches him change. The shirt is Peg’s favorite and he can nearly smell her perfume on it from the night before he left. Hawkeye claps him on the back with a ready to go? smile and then all he’s smelling is Old Spice deodorant and something else that just makes his head spin. What is getting into him? Envy of a smell? BJ’s never felt particularly envious of any man before, but everything about Hawkeye he wants.
Perhaps that’s not quite true. He felt envious of Carl, his neighbor down the street. All through high school, BJ was always nervous Carl would break up him and Peg. Carl, an inch taller than BJ, in tight t-shirts, was always a threat in BJ’s mind. He would lay in bed at night thinking about Carl through Peg’s eyes. This big tall hunk who would work on his car in his garage on summer afternoons, who would roll out from underneath his car to wave to BJ and Peg when they walked past his house on their way to eat at the diner. He would be sweaty and you could see his whole torso through his cut off white shirts. A friendly face in high school hallways. Always saying hello to BJ when they crossed paths, always asking if BJ needed help with his car, his computer, anything around his family’s house. BJ was sure the same hospitality was extended to Peg as well when BJ wasn’t around to see it. BJ would imagine Peg not wanting to bother him with handiwork and taking Carl up on his offer. Carl would come over and get to work, and Peg would watch his muscles move and his ass through his little gym shorts when he bent to pick up his tools. And she couldn’t help but give into the temptation when he made a move on her. BJ’s mind would play this intrusive thought again and again when he couldn’t sleep. He would be flushed with anger and would have to push the blankets off himself because he would get so hot. BJ felt very ashamed of how envious he could get of other men. After all, Peg has stayed faithful to him all these years and will marry him once they both graduate. He doesn’t need to be jealous of anyone.
But Hawkeye is just too cool to not feel that tugging in his stomach. Just anxiety and jealousy, is all.
“Let’s get outta here. Let’s go see if Klinger or Henry wanna come.”
They walk a few doors down to a door already decorated with a sign that says, ‘Maxwell’ in big glittery cursive writing. Hawkeye knocks loudly. No answer.
“Who are we looking for in here?” BJ wonders aloud.
“Maxwell Klinger. Fashion Design major. Renowned scrub pants hemmer. Best dressed person you’ll ever meet. Biggest nose you’ll ever see.”
“And I thought your nose was big.”
Hawkeye laughs and they head down the hall to Henry’s room to see if he wants to go out. Among the fliers of resources and the RA on duty number, there is a paper hung up that says ‘Open door policy.’ So Hawkeye barges right in. Which was a mistake.
BJ almost shrieks. He has never seen two men like this in real life. Klinger, the hairy man BJ had seen at the hallway meeting, hops off of Henry’s lap and slides his skirt back down over his boxer shorts.
“Klinger, why didn’t you lock the door when you came in!?”
“I didn’t know if we were gonna fool around again this year or not! You know I’ve got a girl back home!”
Hawkeye didn’t bat an eyelash at the situation in front of them. “Excuse me, but my roommate and I wanted to invite you to come to Rosie’s. But if you’re too busy giving your residents a hand on move-in day Henry, BJ and I completely understand."
Henry groans. “Oh, shut it Pierce. We’ll meet you there in twenty minutes.”
Klinger steps up to BJ and reaches out a manicured hand. “Nice to meet you, BJ. What’s it stand for?”
Still speechless and surely blushing, BJ dumbly says, “Nothing.”
Klinger furrows his thick brow. Hawkeye steps in and says, “See ya soon.” He shuts the door.
——
Rosie’s bar down the street doesn’t have a door, just strings of beads.
“I don’t have a fake ID, Hawk.”
Hawkeye grins. “They don’t card here. But if they did, that clean-cut baby face would get you kicked out. I think if you grew a mustache you could get into any bar.” BJ chuckles.
They walk through the beads and Hawkeye immediately leads BJ to a large table where only one person is sitting. He looks younger than a college student and is drinking a grape soda from a bottle. BJ sits across from him. Hawkeye wraps his arm around the boy for a side-hug. “What’s new, Radar?”
“Did you hear Frank dropped out?”
Hawk’s jaw drops. “Don’t fuck around with me, kid. I’ll rip up your teddy bear.”
“Oh, cut it out! Don’t embarrass me in front of your new roommate.”
BJ tilts his head. “How did you know I’m his new roommate?”
“Radar knows everything before you tell him. He’s a mind reader. But right now he’s fucking with me. Frank did NOT drop out!”
Radar’s face lights up. “He did. Margaret broke up with him for good this summer and he transferred on the advice of his therapist.”
Hawkeye practically squeals with joy. He sits down next to Radar and can’t stop moving. “Frank is gone!” He gasps and his eyes light up. “And that means Margaret is single! I’m so happy I could plotz!”
BJ puts his hands on the table. “Hold on, hold on. Who are these people? Catch me up.”
Hawkeye tells him about the insufferable pre-med major with a fiancé back in Fort Wayne and his girlfriend, Margaret, when Frank is on campus. BJ learns Frank Burns eats worms and Margaret is a nursing major he will certainly meet at some point. Radar and Hawkeye describe her and seem to be very enamored by specifically her lips. Margaret “Hot Lips” Houlihan called him this summer and broke it off for good. Frank was admitted to a psych ward and will not return to this university. BJ has never met two funnier storytellers.
“And her hair! She’s got this-“
“Gorgeous blonde…”
“Gorgeous blonde hai-“
“…Hair that just drives everyone crazy and-"
“Radar stop saying what I’m saying before I say it!”
BJ thinks about his friends back home. None of the guys he knew had weird nicknames or teddy bears or wore nail polish. Definitely none of them made BJ double over laughing.
Klinger and Henry enter the bar almost an hour after Hawkeye invited them. Conversation falls silent. Klinger heads straight to the bar and Henry sits down next to BJ. Everyone stares at Henry but no one says anything.
Henry sighs. “What? Is there something on my face?”
“There actually is a little bit of lipstick below your ear-” Radar says before Henry interrupts.
“Shut it, Radar!” He grabs a napkin and starts wiping at the wrong ear.
Hawkeye smirks. “Glad you two could make it. How’s Lorraine?”
“We’re on a break if you must know.”
BJ must look confused because Radar jumps in to catch him up. “Lorraine is Henry’s girlfriend. She goes to Illinois State.”
“Henry thinks it’s 1950 and he has to keep a steady girlfriend to keep his parents happy,” Hawkeye adds.
Henry sighs. “You guys know they won’t pay for my school if I brought Max home. And I like Lorraine! We are just taking some time apart to figure things out. Unrelated to Max.”
Radar fills BJ in even more, “Klinger has a girl back home too.”
BJ is shocked. A man in a dress is dating a woman? “What? He-”
“They,” Radar, Henry, and Hawkeye interrupt simultaneously.
BJ wrinkles his brow. “They?”
“Klinger uses they/them pronouns,” Henry informs him.
Hawkeye winks at BJ. “I’ll explain that to you later.”
Klinger saunters back to the table with a drink in each hand. They sit beside Henry, take off their bedazzled sunglasses, and pull a vape out of their purse. No more mentions of girlfriends happen that night.