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Caitlyn was staying overnight at her mother’s home for the first time since she was 18. She had initially felt nervous about accepting Janet’s invitation, having declined the first time Janet asked not long after Caitlyn’s birthday. Back then, Caitlyn had recently forgiven her mother for the difficult events of the past, but she still felt it was too soon to spend a night. Janet respected that and let the topic go for several months but decided to re-extend the invitation not long after her AA birthday meeting. This time, Caitlyn felt more ready, but on the condition that she only spend one night to see if she felt comfortable with longer stays in the future.
She’d arrived in time for lunch, but unfortunately not long after, Janet had to leave to deal with what Caitlyn only knew as an AA issue. She knew her mom couldn’t give details, but it sounded urgent, so she understood. Still, she felt a bit unsure of what to do while she waited, as she wasn’t sure how long it would be until Janet came back.
Once she got tired of flipping TV channels, she headed to the guest room, where she’d be sleeping that night. It almost felt a little daring. She knew Janet kept a neat and organized home and that anything she moved would have to be put back in its carefully chosen place. It was a part of the structure Janet liked because she felt it helped keep her recovery under control.
Caitlyn opened the closet and saw a box labeled Journals. She was surprised but remembered her mom didn’t have a lot of guests and tended to use the room for storage. She went to reach for the box, but then quickly pulled back, almost bumping into the door.
Maybe this is a bad idea. I have a book in my overnight bag. I should just read. Or draw. Or do some ballet stretches. I doubt Mom would be happy about this.
Still, curiosity tugged at her. Against her best judgment, she took the box off the shelf. When she opened it, she saw bright, colorful notebooks inside. She imagined Janet must’ve liked the positive feelings the designs and colors gave off when lots of other things in her world seemed dreary and hopeless.
She couldn’t help it. She reached for a random notebook, a blue one with flowers, and started flipping through the pages.
Caitlyn couldn’t tear her eyes away from Janet’s handwriting, though it had faded over the years. She read stories of sadness, anger, even betrayal when she felt all her friends had turned their backs on her. She read about coworkers whose names didn’t sound familiar, including a group simply known as “the ER nurses.” Apparently, they liked gossiping, and Janet felt like she was their fodder. Still, there were some occasional stories of hope, like sharing at meetings or each new month of sobriety.
It broke her heart the most, though, to look at Janet’s entries on living alone as she went through recovery, having gone through a divorce where she only got partial custody of Caitlyn and Drew:
Every night, one page read, I go home to an empty house to read or watch TV, and have dinner alone, if I can even bring myself to eat. I should have my kids here. I should be giving them hugs and talking to them about their days and having dinner with them. Nancy says I have sobriety, which is the most important thing. I’m not even sure that’s more important than my kids.
I keep thinking about giving up my parental rights. I don’t feel like I can possibly do this. How am I supposed to have a career, be a mother and be sober? I do my best when the kids come, but I feel so overwhelmed at times, like nothing I do can possibly be good enough for them. I really do not understand why Tom insists I be a part of their lives. Good mothers don’t just leave their kids, and I’ve done it at least twice…for rehab and now because of the divorce. Not to mention all the times I was drinking and ignored them or stayed out all hours. Now everyone thinks I should raise them? I don’t get it.
Caitlyn was unable to go any further and closed the journal. She knew her mom had considered signing away her parental rights; the journal entry was not surprising. But now that she was reading Janet’s emotions and worries as they were back in the mid 90s, she once again felt her old fears of never having the mother she always wanted come back to the surface.
They would have to talk when Janet returned.
“I’m back,” Janet proclaimed about an hour later. Caitlyn had gone back out to the living room and was stretching on the floor. She slowly got out of her split and smiled at Janet, who chuckled and said, “You know, if I were in that position, I’d never get out of it. But I’m glad you’re still keeping up with dance. I know how happy it makes you.”
“It’s just a split, Mom,” Caitlyn giggled and pulled on her sweatshirt. “Everything OK with AA?”
“I can’t give details, as you know, but I may be getting another phone call. So I need to keep an eye on my phone, but I’m not ignoring you.”
Caitlyn nodded, figuring someone was in trouble and relying on Janet for help. Maybe her sponsee. Little details like that reminded her that her mother was doing well and in a good place. After all, who would trust her if she wasn’t keeping her own life together?
“What about you?” Janet asked. “You look a little down. Is something wrong?”
“A little, yeah. Actually…I screwed up and we need to talk about it.”
“OK. Well, come sit down and talk to me. What’s going on? Are you in trouble of some sort?”
“No, but…”
Caitlyn looked over at Janet, feeling bad. “Mom, while you were gone, I saw your box of journals in the closet in my room. I know this was dumb, but I opened the box and I read a few pages of one of them. Temptation just got the better of me. I even thought about how uncomfortable I’d feel if I came home and you were reading my journal. It was dumb of me but I was just wondering what kind of stories you told and what you were thinking about. But yeah, I could’ve actually asked you more questions or something. I’m sorry.”
Janet hesitated before answering. “And what did you read exactly?”
“I saw what you wrote when you were considering terminating your parental rights. I was reading how insecure and afraid you were. And I remember our conversation about how Dad didn’t want you to give up and stop seeing me and Drew. But seeing everything in writing…it just slapped me in the face. My own mother wanted to walk out on me for good. I feel like maybe when we talked about this the first time that we brushed over it and I should’ve spoken up and probed more. Maybe we need to step back a bit, you know?”
“Understandable. I can imagine it’s a lot to take in.”
“I’m relieved you didn’t walk out,” Caitlyn said. “Trust me. And I don’t want either of us to leave each other now because you had a thought when I was 13. But did you really think if you signed a paper and never saw me again that you’d be sitting here now, without me, confident that you made the right choice?”
Janet shook her head. “No. I don’t. I look at you every time you visit or hold you each time we hug, and I think…I was one piece of paper away from not having you. But Caitlyn, when I wrote that entry and broached the idea to your father, I felt trapped. I wanted to escape somewhere to just be me and make a fresh start. My thought was, maybe if I wasn’t in your life anymore, everyone would feel that you and Drew really were getting a fresh start and had something better going for you. I loved you guys so much, but I felt like I couldn’t handle motherhood, or like I wasn’t qualified for it.”
“When I told your father what I was planning—to see my attorney and discuss options—I could tell he was upset with me. He said he thought I was overreacting and being impulsive and then he said, ‘Imagine yourself at home or at work in five years from now, and Caitlyn shows up. What are you going to tell her? That not having to see her was worth it?’ He knew you’d look for me and demand answers. Drew too, but he was most worried for you.”
“Was this before I was being difficult?”
“I don't like to call you difficult; you know that. But yes, it was before your father and I noticed changes in you. Did you…come across any of those entries by chance? Because I would hate for you to see what I was thinking when you were going through all of that.”
“No,” Caitlyn started sobbing. “I bet it was hard for you, wasn’t it? I used to listen in to what you and Dad were saying anyway, so sometimes I could tell you guys seemed upset or confused and were trying to figure out how to help me. But I don’t want to see the journals.”
Janet nodded. “It was a hard time. I beat myself up a lot about my parenting ability. You went from hugs and kisses and snuggling to either telling me I wasn’t your mother and fighting me, or clinging to me and crying when our visits were over and you had to go home. I just didn’t know what happened. But then I had to remember you were a typical teenage girl with a lot more piled on her plate than other girls your age.”
“It all made sense when you grew up and detached yourself from me for several years. I’d imagine that if I were in your shoes, I would’ve wanted space too. I always felt bad. You never got to see me much after my recovery started and time together was so limited. The estrangement and the little contact you chose was understandable, especially considering what you heard and saw when I drank.”
Caitlyn turned away from Janet and tried to curl up on the couch, resting her head on a pillow while she cried.
“Is that all that’s bothering you?” Janet stood up to give her space and started rubbing her head. “Do you want to ask me anything else?”
“I don’t think so right now. This just brought back a lot of messy feelings for me. All I want to know is that you won’t consider leaving me again. That the work on our relationship won’t go to waste.”
Janet continued stroking her hair. “I am not leaving you. I am in this for the long haul. Listen, after your dad told me he wanted me to stay in yours and Drew’s lives…I went home, and I realized I didn’t have the courage to sign anything. I canceled the appointment with my attorney and then I called my sponsor. We discussed what had happened and my thought process, and she told me she was proud of me for not going through with it. She said recovery is about finding ways to push through and conquer our challenges, not run away from them, because we’re going to be challenged for the rest of our lives. Gosh, I miss her. She passed away a few months before you came back into my life.”
“Really? I’m sorry. Did she relapse?”
“Thank you. She had heart failure, and as far as I know, she died sober, but it was still hard for sure. Nancy was one of few people who could really go head-to-head with me, and even win sometimes. But my God was she a great sponsor. She’s a big reason why I am the way I am today. I believe she’s still with me, helping me be strong when I need it.”
She gave Caitlyn a tissue. “You don’t have to worry about being abandoned. It’s not going to happen. And I’m so sorry you feel unloved and worried. We knew our scars would never go away, but we could learn from them and move forward. What do you need from me to feel better?”
Caitlyn sat up. “Just keep doing what you’re doing. Part of why I decided to forgive you to begin with was that you spent three months talking to me, showing up when I asked you to, opening up about your feelings and what happened to you. I mean…OK I do wish you’d be more open; you’re still struggling with that a little. I know you’re not as outwardly emotional and expressive as me, but please keep trying. I can handle the bad and ugly.”
“That’s a fair criticism. I’m sure you can tell that sometimes I start and then I lose my train of thought or get embarrassed. I’ll work on it. Everyone seems to say that about me anyway. I should take the hint.”
“As for me,” Caitlyn said. “I won’t read your journals anymore. They’re private. Even just reading a few pages today…I felt like an idiot. You deserve to have privacy too. Besides, now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t know that going through your journals is great for my own mental health. It sent me right back down the rabbit hole of freaking out about the past and I don’t want to exacerbate my depression.”
“Well, yes, I would be happy if you didn’t go through my things uninvited. So, I’m assuming you don’t want me to get the journals so we can talk about some other entries then?”
“No. God no. Please let’s just keep them in the past.”
Janet patted her hand. “Like I said, I do have to keep my phone close by for now, but why don’t you and I just spend some time connecting? Whatever’s on our minds, we’ll just listen and then try to help or encourage each other, or we’ll congratulate if things are going well. I’ll go put on the tea and if you want any snacks…”
“Oh, that’s perfect,” Caitlyn agreed, standing up so they could go to the kitchen. “Do you have any of those scones that you made? And for what it’s worth, I can take some time away from my phone, so I’ll shut mine off as a compromise.”
“Sounds like a plan. And yes, the scones are still here for the taking.”
Caitlyn watched Janet prepare the kettle and get out the cream and sugar.
“I still love you,” she told her, still feeling teary-eyed as she went over to hug her. “Thanks for finding a solution so quickly. I hope we work this out. And…I’m amazed you’re not even mad.”
Janet embraced her in return. “I love you too. I always told you…whatever it takes to keep the family together. I’m here. And I’m not even going to think about turning away from you, or be angry because you asked me some questions, even if you didn’t go about exploring in the most appropriate way. We’ll get back on track; I think sitting with each other for a bit will help. We can wipe the slate clean when we’re done.”
“I like that.”
Caitlyn smiled to herself, remembering that setbacks weren’t the end of the world. They were a part of hers and Janet’s lives as much as anything else, and what mattered was addressing them and strengthening their mother-daughter relationship.
“All right,” Janet handed her a cup of tea and put a scone on a plate. “Let’s go chat.”