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There was a time long ago where a date like this would have felt nice.
It wasn’t that time anymore, that time was long gone. Eaten away by more tears and trauma than could be counted on two hands.
This date was a mistake, plain and simple. But it felt so good to say yes to something and get out of the cycle of monotonous work. Hopefully, the damage would be minimal. At least the dinner, drinks, and company were essentially free. Truly, the only payment would only be showing up and engaging in conversation. That was payment enough for whatever regrets would be caused by saying yes.
It was embarrassing enough that they hadn’t said no to the offer. It would have been more embarrassing to refuse without a good reason. They were old enough to make a decision like this, but the words wouldn’t come out. The shock of being asked out cemented what words could have been used to refuse or even question the date in their throat.
The idea of a date was terrifying, but it was nothing compared to any of the horrors of the past. Frankly, it was a risk that they were going to take. Sometimes you make choices that you don’t think that you’re going to make.
Surprising themselves wasn’t exactly unexpected behavior in retrospect. The impulsive behavior choices were not new, nor were ones that could potentially put them in danger.
Maybe that was why they had said yes.
The danger and risk would be minimal, while the reward was worth it. The possibility of being loved and cared for. It had been a long time since they had truly felt that way. More often than not, it was the work that they did and the choices that they made that got the attention rather than themselves, whether it was a silly idea, a risky choice, or a job well done. The possibility of getting attention for just being themselves was alluring, to say the least.
As pathetic as it sounded, they wanted to be loved. They wanted to be the object of someone's affection. Lessons of their monstrous form being unlovable had contributed to that goal. It was an impossible feat, seemingly. It didn't matter how attractive their physical appearance was since that even had been altered by means that they had not consented to. Even the physical attraction with their form felt forced.
Watching eyes transfixed on their form once felt like adoration and attraction, but now it felt like they were just a successful science experiment meant to be treated as lesser or greater. A slab of meat on display. A scientific feat for the betterment of society. Both ideas made them sick to their stomach.
It was best to not dwell on the thoughts if they wanted to keep what was in their stomach there.
Steady breaths brought them back to reality and the present moment. The past wouldn't be helpful right now especially since it always just made them feel sick. To keep spirits up they had to stay present. Easier said than done, but with a bit of liquid courage before all of this it became easier.
Feign confidence that bordered on cockiness, then be done with the whole ordeal. Love would be nice while it lasted.