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“Ugh, Bon, no. I’m busy tonight.”
Kate’s not sure why she bothers. She has never won an argument against Edwina and it doesn’t seem likely that she’ll start now.
“No, you’re not,” Edwina says matter-of-factly. “Aren’t you graduating in a month? Your window for acceptable irresponsibility is rapidly closing. Plus Ant and Ben keep bothering me to get you to come out with us.”
Kate ignores the way the back of her neck grows warm at the mention of his name. “I don’t believe that.”
“You’re right, Ben bothers me. Anthony mostly just looks mopey when you’re not there. It’s both romantic and depressing.”
Edwina says it so casually that it’s easy to forget she was the one who dated Anthony less than six months ago. He’s such a gentleman, Didi, I think you’ll like him. And that was the problem. Beneath her thin veneer of disdain, she had liked Anthony Bridgerton, liked arguing with him, competing with him, liked his presence in any and all contexts.
She’d thought him less of a gentleman when he abruptly ended things with Eddie, but her sister didn’t seem too bothered, so it was easy enough to forgive, eventually. Frustratingly, while Edwina had lost interest and moved on, Kate had no such luck.
“Eddie, stop. You know it’s not…like that.” She loves Edwina more than life itself, but they couldn’t be more different if they tried. It’s easy to see why men are drawn to sweet, beautiful Eddie, and it doesn’t even bother Kate, most of the time. But no man in his right mind would ever be interested in them both. Edwina is the rose, Kate is the thorns - and who would ever willingly choose the thorns?
“Oh god, you’re both depressing,” she sighs, muttering something that sounds suspiciously like I give up. “Come out tonight and I’ll get those pina colada cupcakes you like.”
Kate concedes to the bribe, conveniently not mentioning to Edwina that she was going to come anyway. Because she graduates in thirty-seven days, and acceptable irresponsibility will not be the only thing she loses.
It’s easy to hate Anthony Bridgerton.
He’s far too gorgeous for his own good, for one thing. And he’s truly, painfully aware of that fact, knows exactly what that fitted white t-shirt and broad smile does to the majority of the female student population. She hopes he doesn’t know what it does to her, specifically, although he’s a damned idiot if he can’t see the blush that streaks across her face, can’t hear the deep breaths she takes to calm her racing heart.
Oh boy. She is depressing.
Soon he won’t be around, she won’t walk into a room and forget how to function, and that thought both relieves and devastates her.
For now, though. For tonight. They are all together, and she’s determined to have a good time. To build another memory she can hold on to.
Kate slides into the booth next to Anthony, where her rum and Coke is already sitting, Eddie’s virgin daiquiri resting across from her. “Finally!” Benedict says, clapping his hands together. “I thought you were going to bail on us again!”
“Sorry,” she says with a sheepish smile. “I’ve just been busy with studying and job applications, you know.”
“Yeah, for sure. Anthony’s been a nervous wreck about that stuff too.” Anthony levels a sideways glare at his brother, and Kate wonders why he would worry about his job prospects when he comes from the forty-fifth wealthiest family in the country. “Do you have anything lined up yet?”
“Almost. I got a verbal offer and I’m just waiting for the official word.”
“That’s amazing, Kate, congrats.” Benedict shoots her a genuine smile and she suddenly feels, acutely, how much she will miss him.
She can’t look at Anthony, knowing that feeling will only be magnified endlessly, and she can’t do that. Not here, not now.
Kate sips her drink, grateful when Ben launches into a story about his roommate passing out in the wrong dorm that takes all the focus off her. Edwina is in hysterics and Kate feels relaxed and happy, save for the few times that Anthony shifts in his seat and his thigh brushes hers, branding her skin even with that light touch.
She lets her eyes flutter shut, just for a second, and captures it. A small memory for some lonely night.
She knows there will be many of them, soon. Kate has always been an independent person, happy with her own company. Not missing anything. Until she met Anthony Bridgerton and he gave her something to miss, a hole she can’t fill no matter how hard she tries to distract herself.
It’s easy to hate him for that.
But it’s been five months since his breakup with Edwina and he’s never said a word to her about how he feels, about the future. So she accepts this for what it is — friendship, fun, something that will make her look back on her college experience fondly once her real life starts.
Kate is so lost in her thoughts that she nearly misses what Edwina is saying as she chuckles and wipes a tear from her eye. “Can you both please tell Kate that she can’t go back to India because she will miss us too much?”
Silence descends so quickly that Kate feels a sense of whiplash. Anthony speaks for the first time in a while, his voice slightly hoarse. “You’re going to India? Like, on a trip?”
Edwina’s mouth drops open, eyes swirling with confusion and guilt. “Wait, you didn’t…?”
“No. Not yet,” Kate says quietly, staring down at the table so hard she thinks she’ll burn a hole in it. This was not how she wanted to do this — she still hadn’t figured out how to do this, exactly — but the truth is out and all Kate can do is scramble to pick up the pieces. “I’ve been applying for teaching jobs in India. It was always my plan to move back once I graduated. I’ll be leaving a few days after the ceremony.”
Ben, to his credit, looks struck, but he gives her a sad smile nonetheless. “We’re going to miss you, Kate.” He reaches out, placing a gentle hand on hers. “But that sounds really exciting and we’re really happy for—.”
“Your mom and sister are here,” Anthony interrupts harshly, ignoring Benedict completely and focusing the entire weight of his attention on Kate. “You’re just going to leave them?”
Kate bristles at the accusation and squares her shoulders, meeting Anthony’s eyes unflinchingly. He looks…he looks angry, and Kate grows indignant. “I have their blessing. Eddie still has two more years left of school and Mary will be fine.” She doesn’t know why she’s defending herself. She doesn’t owe him any explanation. It’s not like he’s given her any insight into his own future plans or asked for her input.
“Were you ever planning on telling us? Or were you just going to leave after graduation and we’d never see you again?” He practically spits the words at her.
Kate doesn’t know what she expected his response to be, but it wasn’t this. She feels tears prick at the corners of her eyes and she can’t do this, she can’t cry in front of Ben and especially not in front of Anthony. Kate grabs her jacket before she can break down entirely, throwing it over her arm. “I’ll pay you back for the drink. I have to go.”
She can’t make out much over her pulse roaring in her ears, but she does feel a small bit of vindication at Ben’s snapped What the fuck, Anthony?
Edwina is a good head shorter than her, and Kate gets most of the way back to her apartment before her sister catches up. “Didi, I’m so sorry. I had no idea you hadn’t told them.”
Kate shrugs, trying to seem resolved despite her tear-stained cheeks. She can only imagine the state her makeup is in. “It’s not your fault, Bon. It’s okay.”
Edwina slips an arm around her waist, squeezing her tightly, and even though her heart is in her throat Kate still feels it swell a little with her sister’s affection.
“I’m okay, seriously.” She is always okay, for Eddie. Always strong, always together. “I’m glad it’s out now, I’ve been dreading it, honestly.”
“Kate…” her sister says in a small voice. “Why didn’t you tell him?”
She lets the question hang in the air for a moment. The truth — the real truth, she thinks, although she’s been lying to herself for so long that she can’t be sure anymore — is that she was afraid of his reaction. Afraid he would react exactly like this, or even worse, that he might not have any reaction at all. “It doesn’t matter,” she insists, trying not to think how often she’s attached that disclaimer to her own feelings. “We’ll all go our separate ways after graduation anyway. It’s not like we were going to stay close forever.”
She’d known, since the moment she met Anthony, that they were on borrowed time. And it hurt because she wanted more, so much more, and even though she had fought valiantly, she’d lost. Her heart belonged to him and she couldn’t outrun that fact, no matter how far she went. She could only hope it would ease with time.
“Oh, Didi.” Edwina stops in her tracks, her grip on Kate forcing her to stop as well. Her voice is full of sympathy, or maybe pity, Kate can’t tell. “How can someone so smart be so stupid?”
“Seriously, Eddie?”
She clucks her tongue. “Anthony reacted like a crazy person, I will not argue that point. But deep down you know why he did, Kate.”
She can’t, can’t let herself think it, can’t put her whole life on hold for the smallest bit of hope. Can’t make her decisions around some guy…even Anthony Bridgerton.
(The worst part is that she knows she would stay in a heartbeat, if he gave her a reason.)
“This was always the plan,” she repeats firmly, etching the words onto her heart, trying to write them over the memory of the hurt in Anthony’s expression. “This was my dream.”
Edwina pulls her into a hug, resting her chin on Kate’s shoulder. “It’s okay for dreams to change.”
It takes three days for Kate to text Anthony to meet, and she half thinks he’ll turn her down, cut ties with her now instead of in thirty-four days. But he shows and she’s not surprised because if there is anything Kate knows about Anthony, it’s that she can depend on him.
He does not look charming and confident when she opens the door. He looks tired, like he hasn’t been sleeping, shadows under his eyes and his hair more rumpled than usual. He is still gorgeous, though, she thinks with a hint of annoyance.
Kate moves aside and Anthony is three steps into her apartment when he preempts her carefully planned speech. “I’m sorry,” he sighs, running a hand through his hair and making it even more unkempt. “I know I acted like a jerk. I was just…” He doesn’t finish that sentence. “You can yell at me but you should know that Benedict really covered all the bases already.”
Despite her nerves, the corner of her mouth quirks up at the idea of Ben defending her. “You did act like a jerk,” she says calmly and his face falls a little more. “But I’m sorry for not telling you. I should have. We’re…we’re friends.” Her voice almost cracks on the last word, but she swallows it. It doesn’t feel like the whole truth, but it’s not a lie either. Somehow, somewhere along the line, Anthony became one of her closest friends.
Kate motions to her couch and Anthony takes a seat at the end, bending his knee to face her better and gripping his shin with one hand. “Why don’t you want to stay?” he asks carefully, fidgeting with the seam on his jeans, so far from the cocky version of himself she’s used to seeing.
“It’s not that I don’t want to stay. I’m going to miss my family so much, and you and Ben.” She bites the inside of her bottom lip. “I only came for school. It was never my intention to be here longer.”
He nods, his eyes still trained on his restless fingers. “Is there anything I could say to make you stay?”
There’s a lilt in his voice. He’s half joking and Kate knows there is something he could say. But she doesn’t want to hear it under compulsion, so she just shrugs and changes the subject. “It’s a long flight, but I’ll still visit, Anthony. You can still see me, if you want.”
He laughs sharply, humorlessly. “If I want.” Anthony shakes his head, finally meeting her eyes, renewed determination radiating off of him. “You really have no idea what I want, do you?”
Kate doesn’t even want to ask, doesn’t want to know, but she can’t help herself. “What do you want?”
Anthony stands, pacing like he physically can’t sit still for this. “I want you to tell me that I’m not crazy,” he growls, throwing his arms out to the sides. “That all of this hasn’t just been leading up to you moving five thousand miles away.”
His gaze is intense and Kate can’t think, can’t breathe, even as she stutters out, “Anthony, I don’t understand what you’re—.”
“Yes, you do. I love you, Kate, and I know you know that.” He gestures wildly to her and Kate’s head is spinning. She can’t seem to get enough air into her lungs and she’s glad she’s still on the couch in case she passes out in earnest. “I knew it the first time we met, that’s why I broke up with Eddie so quickly. And for months I’ve been trying to win you over, trying to be someone you might actually want to build a life with outside of this place, and then I find out that you have all these plans for the future that don’t include me and you didn’t even care enough to tell me about them.”
There is so much to process, so many things Kate is just finding out for the first time and so many things he’s entirely wrong about but he doesn’t give her a second to respond, just keeps pacing and pouring out his heart and she can’t do anything but let him.
“If you really want to leave, if India is really your dream, then forget I said any of this, okay? I want you to live the life you want, but…” Finally, finally, he stops and looks straight at her. “But you can’t blame me for wanting to be part of it, Kate.”
She’s vaguely aware of tears welling in her eyes but she doesn’t care, because unless she’s unconscious and hallucinating, Anthony Bridgerton is professing his love and it’s everything Kate has ever wanted. “Okay,” she says, surprised by the strength of her voice when the rest of her feels like molten liquid.
He frowns, a crease forming between his brows. “Okay?”
“Okay, I’ll stay.”
The silence hangs between them, just for a beat, and then Anthony is in her space, pulling her up with a firm grip on her arms and crashing his lips to hers. She feels the kiss down to her toes and everything is right for the first time in months.
And Kate knows this decision isn’t just for him. This is the life she wants.
She’s panting when she pulls back, feeling a stupid smile form on her face. “Were you ever planning on telling me you were in love with me?”
“Yeah,” he says, sounding just as breathless as her. “Preferably at the last possible moment, so if you rejected me I wouldn’t be constantly running into you.”
Kate laughs, burying her face in his neck and letting his scent wash over her. “You’re an idiot.”
She feels his responding chuckle against her chest as his hands wind into her hair. “But not enough of an idiot to let you get away, Kathani Sharma.”