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Beomgyu has always loved Yeonjun, he just didn’t know when that love turned into something more than friendship. He didn’t know when it changed, or why it changed—but he thinks maybe anyone in his place would fall for Yeonjun. His best friend, with the sweetest smile and the goofiest laugh. His best friend, who always stood by him when it mattered, and challenged him when he needed it. Surely anyone who knew Yeonjun the way Beomgyu did would fall for him, because how could they not?
He doesn’t know when the tides changed, when the feeling truly blossomed—but he did know when it first dawned on him. When he first realized exactly what it was that was blooming inside of him. Their foreheads pressed together, Yeonjun’s hand on the back of his neck, his grin bright, Beomgyu felt something in his chest flutter. It almost felt cliche. “You’re my favorite person,” Yeonjun had said. Beomgyu knew in that moment that he was completely screwed.
Whenever Yeonjun touched him, Beomgyu felt himself light up. He felt a warmth in his chest, sometimes he would think about kissing him. He would imagine Yeonjun kissing him back, wanting him back. He knew it wasn’t realistic, not really. Even if sometimes he wanted to pretend it was, and it was easy enough—pretending. Pretending that Yeonjun’s sometimes lingering touches meant more, that maybe when they stared at each other just a little too long, that maybe he thought about these things too. But at the end of the day, reality always had to sink back in one way or the other.
There are so many moments where Beomgyu almost thinks it’d feel natural, like if he leaned in right then and kissed Yeonjun, that all the pieces would fall into place. Moments where it feels like it could be so easy. He wishes it were that easy.
Beomgyu was pacing Yeonjun’s room dramatically, he’d been going off on a tangent, with him—everything (even the smallest of anecdotes), was a whole event. He talks and talks until he notices he’s barely let Yeonjun get a word in, prompting him to redirect his attention back to him. But when he stops and meets his gaze finally, he’s met with the fond look in Yeonjun’s eyes, a soft smile. Beomgyu suddenly loses track of what he was saying, “um, so…yeah.” Yeonjun laughs and it only serves to make Beomgyu feel more lost.
“Did you finally run out of steam?” Yeonjun asks. “Come sit with me, you’ve been pacing my room for like ten minutes.”
And so Beomgyu obliges, sitting next to Yeonjun at the end of the bed. “I never run out of steam,” Beomgyu says pointedly.
“I know that very well actually,” says Yeonjun. “I like it though.” Beomgyu can’t help but smile at that.
“I think you’d have to like it, otherwise you wouldn’t be able to stand me.” Beomgyu says with a laugh. He was starting to take note of the fact that Yeonjun was still looking at him— like that . With that same gentle look in his eyes. He was currently staring at his own feet.
“Well, I’ve always liked being around you.” Yeonjun gently rests his hand on Beomgyu’s thigh and suddenly he wishes he wasn’t always so incredibly aware of everything Yeonjun did or said.
“I like being around you too,” says Beomgyu. He finally looks back up at Yeonjun, forcing their eyes to meet. And it’s one of those moments where it feels like it could be so easy . He could do it, closing that gap between them. He wondered if Yeonjun would kiss him back, he was looking at him so softly right now. For a moment his mind wanders to a world where he’s brave enough to actually do it.
He thinks about what Yeonjun’s lips would feel like against his own, what he would do if Beomgyu actually did go through with it. If he would push him away or pull him even closer. He wants to be that close, closer than he should. He wonders sometimes if it’s wrong to want it so badly.
“Can I ask you something?” Beomgyu practically blurts out the words because he knows that if he let himself get any more lost in his head, he might actually do something stupid. It’s equal parts distraction—and testing the waters.
Yeonjun looks a little surprised, “yeah—sure.”
“Have you…” He decides to refocus his gaze on a random poster on Yeonjun’s wall. “Have you ever kissed a guy?”
Yeonjun hesitates before answering, “no…but I guess I’ve thought about it. Have you?”
Beomgyu shakes his head, “I’ve never kissed anyone ,” he admits. “I’ve thought about it too though.” For a moment they both stay silent.
“Why do you ask?” Yeonjun says finally.
“Oh…I don’t know.” Beomgyu realizes he may have dug himself into a hole just now.
“When you thought about it…did you like it?” Yeonjun clears his throat, like he’s trying not to make things too awkward. But now they’ve opened this can of worms, haven’t they? “Would you actually do it?”
“I think I would, yeah.” Beomgyu says softly. He feels his cheeks heat up, recalling his train of thought from only moments ago.
“Is there anyone in particular you ever thought about kissing?” Yeonjun asks. Beomgyu feels like a bundle of nerves now.
“I—sort of? Maybe.” He was willfully avoiding Yeonjun’s gaze now.
“Wait—do you have a crush?” Yeonjun seems to light up, “were you trying to ask for crush advice?”
Beomgyu feels incredibly mortified, why did he have to say anything ? “No, no—I’m not doing this. We are not doing this.”
“Why not?” Yeonjun practically whines. “ Come on , what’s he like?”
Beomgyu groans, “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
Yeonjun frowns, “ok, ok. I’m sorry. I won’t push.”
“Thank you,” says Beomgyu, relieved.
“If you want to practice kissing boys though—I’m a great teacher,” Yeonjun waggles his eyebrows.
“You’re actually the worst person.” Beomgyu says. He was once again feeling absolutely mortified, but Yeonjun just starts making kissy noises at him. “Geez, I can’t stand you,” he adds.
“Love you too,” says Yeonjun with a smile.
Sometimes Beomgyu thinks that Yeonjun just might be the most frustrating person in the world. He could be so stubborn (in his defense, they were both quite stubborn), so argumentative. And okay—maybe sometimes Beomgyu started it, he wasn’t above admitting his flaws. But Yeonjun was smart, witty, and so incredibly confident, he made it difficult. And the most frustrating thing? Beomgyu found it extremely attractive. How unfair was that, that even when they’re bickering he still feels this way?
Beomgyu wonders if Yeonjun is truly as oblivious as he seems. If he really doesn’t notice the way he looks at him, it’s not like Beomgyu was exactly subtle . There have been plenty of moments when Yeonjun wasn’t looking and he would just watch him, admire him. He almost feels guilty for it at times. It feels like he’s keeping a secret from him, holding all these feelings to his chest, wanting things he shouldn’t want. Not from Yeonjun, not from his best friend.
And even when Yeonjun is looking back, warmth in his eyes, affectionately touching him, Beomgyu knows it’s false hope that he is feeling. But surely he could allow himself some hope couldn’t he?
It wasn’t just a schoolyard crush, this was real, Beomgyu loved him. Maybe that’s the worst part. And it’s so miserable because Yeonjun doesn’t see it, he’s not sure he ever will either. How could he admit to it? How could he look Yeonjun in the eye and tell him these things? He feels like it could break him to pieces, the weight of all these feelings.
It’s not that he thinks Yeonjun would begrudge him these feelings necessarily, it’s just that he doesn't want to ruin their friendship. He doesn’t want to create a divide, a distance between them. Because if Yeonjun doesn’t love him back, he might feel guilty. Walls could rise, an attempt at preventing any more hurt. He wants things to stay the same. Maybe that was selfish in a way, he isn’t really sure.
But despite his fears, there was still that part of him, that very small and hopeful part, that did want things to change. The part of him that hoped that maybe Yeonjun did feel it too, that this closeness so embedded into their relationship was because maybe—they both wanted more. Sometimes he did want to ruin their friendship, he wanted to take a wrecking ball to everything they once knew, to create something new. Something that could be so beautiful. Wasn’t it possible?
But if he’s wrong, he risks losing everything good that they did have. He’d rather live with this ache in his chest than lose what they have.
Beomgyu is starting to think that his current predicament is perhaps obvious to everyone except Yeonjun. An example: Kai asking over dinner one day, “so—when are you going to confess your undying love?” At first, Beomgyu’s only response is just choking on his water.
Still clearing his throat, all he can rasp out is, “I’m sorry?”
“Don’t play dumb, I can see it from a mile away.” Kai says.
Beomgyu just kind of stares at him in bewilderment. “And who is it exactly that you think I’m deeply in love with?” He has a pretty good idea of who , he just sort of hopes that if he does play dumb long enough, that maybe he can disuade him.
Kai, popping a fry into his mouth, replies simply: “Yeonjun-hyung.”
Beomgyu can practically feel his own eyes about to pop out of his skull, even in spite of his desperate attempts at keeping a neutral expression. “I’m not in love with him, oh my god.”
“Right. Plenty of people platonically look at their best friends with intense and passionate longing. Sorry, I forgot how normal that was, my bad.” Kai clearly is not going to let this go so easily, leaving Beomgyu in complete and utter despair.
“I don’t look at him longingly, I’m just—affectionate.” Even Beomgyu knows he sounds absolutely ridiculous.
Kai laughs, which sort of makes Beomgyu want to throw fries at his face. “You don’t have to lie to me, I’m not judging. I just think you should tell him.”
“Fine,” Beomgyu sighs in defeat. “I do have feelings for him. I’m definitely not telling him though.”
“Why not?” Kai asks. “I think you have a pretty good shot.”
“Maybe…but if I’m wrong? It could ruin everything.” Beomgyu says.
Kai shakes his head, “I don’t think you’ll ruin anything. However he loves you, he does love you a lot. You know how he is, he’s not going to push you away for anything.”
“I’m just scared,” Beomgyu admits. “If I lose him, if it all changes—it’ll just hurt too much.”
“You won’t lose him,” says Kai. “Whatever you do, just think of yourself too. It hurts to keep something like that in too.”
“I know.” Beomgyu says. And he does, he knows Kai is right. “Thanks.”
Kai smiles softly, “no problem.” A slight pause and with a mischievous little smile, Kai adds one more thing. “If you two get married or something, can I give a speech at the wedding?” This time, Beomgyu actually does throw a fry directly at his face.
“If you say another word, just know—we have a lot of fries.” Beomgyu says. Kai just laughs.
Beomgyu is a lot of things, but calm and collected was not necessarily always one of them. He was emotional, his heart always on his sleeve. Which can be nice, maybe even a bit romantic, it could easily be a good thing. Right now however, he thinks it just might be his downfall.
Because right now, Yeonjun is standing in front of the mirror in Beomgyu’s room, shirtless and just a little bit sweaty, and well—Beomgyu thinks he just might die. He tries to avoid looking at him, but ultimately he can’t help but look, because Yeonjun was talking to him. He was talking to him, but Beomgyu only vaguely catches what he’s saying because instead of listening, he is just staring at him—like an idiot.
He is willing himself to focus, to listen , and maybe secretly praying that Yeonjun will stop trying to fix his hair or whatever it is he’s doing and just put on a damn shirt. He seems to catch a glimpse of Beomgyu in the mirror, his expression cracking into a light smile. “Are you good?” He asks.
Beomgyu’s eyes widen, suddenly snapping back into reality. “What? Yes, I’m fine.” He clears his throat, you know—casually. “Why do you ask?”
Yeonjun looks very amused, turning back to look at him. “You were kind of just staring and spacing out.”
“Oh…I guess I didn’t realize.” Beomgyu feels like he’s been caught committing a crime, which is likely a bit of an exaggeration, but it doesn’t change the fact that he feels it. Yeonjun laughs a little, still looking quite amused. But finally (and much to Beomgyu’s relief), he tosses on a shirt. Beomgyu squints a little, taking slight offense to Yeonjun’s amusement. “Why are you laughing at me?”
Yeonjun shrugs, “it’s cute.”
Beomgyu blinks in surprise, “me spacing out…is cute?”
“I don’t know, sometimes you’re just naturally cute.” Yeonjun’s demeanor is nonchalant, a slight grin on his lips.
Beomgyu hopes his face isn’t red because he could definitely feel his cheeks heating up. “I’m not cute,” he says defensively. It’s a weak effort to cover up how flustered he feels.
Yeonjun strides on over, leaning down to where Beomgyu is sitting so they’re eye level. “I think you’re very cute.”
Beomgyu laughs awkwardly, a quiet and nervous sound. “Why are you being like this all of a sudden?”
Yeonjun gently ruffles Beomgyu’s hair before standing up straight again. “I always think it, it can’t be that surprising.”
Once again, Beomgyu feels it, that flicker of hope. “Well—for what it’s worth, you’re not too bad yourself.” A light smirk spreads across his face, “I suppose.”
Yeonjun laughs, “wow, I am so flattered.”
Kai was right, the weight of all these feelings really could be suffocating. He just wants to tell Yeonjun, or kiss him, he just wants him to see it, to feel it. Something . But he can never find the words, not when they’re drunk on the couch, Yeonjun clinging to him like a koala. Not when they’re laughing so hard their stomachs hurt and it fades into an affectionate and giddy gaze. Seemingly not ever, but he wants to. God, he wants to so badly.
If nothing else, even if Yeonjun doesn’t feel the same, he could at least show him how loved he is—how special. He wants him to know that much, doesn’t he deserve that? It was so heavy and yet he could never bring himself to actually do it, to just let it out. His heart was always on his sleeve, but even now as it bled itself out, it feels like Yeonjun still couldn’t see it.
One night, he thinks about it more than he ever has before. Maybe it was the setting, sitting on a blanket in the park, just him and Yeonjun underneath the stars. How perfect would it be? Beomgyu has always loved the stars, it always made him happy just sitting beneath them, it felt peaceful. He wonders if it’d be silly to wish upon one, to ask something of one of those shimmering lights, something still burning so bright so long after its own end. He thinks he’d wish for more courage.
Eyes trained at the sky, he sees one twinkling particularly brightly. He takes a deep breath, eyes closed— please help me be just a little braver , he thinks. A gentle plea to the night sky.
“What are you thinking about?” He hears Yeonjun say, prompting him to glance over.
“I was making a wish,” Beomgyu says softly, a gentle smile on his lips.
“Oh?” Yeonjun grins, instantly curious. “What did you wish for?”
“You’re not supposed to tell someone what you wish for,” Beomgyu says, side-eyeing him.
“Isn’t there some kind of—I don’t know, best friend loophole?” Yeonjun pouts just a little bit and Beomgyu is terribly endeared. “How did we even decide that was a rule?”
Beomgyu shrugs, “I don’t know, still—best not to tempt fate.” Beomgyu bites back a smile as he sees Yeonjun get visibly annoyed.
“Yeah, yeah. I guess.” As huffy as Yeonjun sounds, he’s still grinning ever so slightly.
Beomgyu laughs, letting the silence surround them for a while. The kind of silence you can only really share with someone you truly love. He isn’t really sure when he became aware of Yeonjun’s hand so close to his as they sit next to each other, but he is now. Beomgyu doesn’t look at him but slowly, he can’t help but let his hand brush against Yeonjun’s. “Courage.” Beomgyu says quietly, eyes still trained at the sky.
“Hm?” Yeonjun looks over at him, “courage?”
“That’s what I wished for. Courage.” Beomgyu lets his gaze fall back on Yeonjun, who seems to soften at his words.
“I wouldn’t think you’d need to wish for that,” Yeonjun says. He takes Beomgyu’s hand in his, “you’re pretty damn brave.”
“Not always,” says Beomgyu, his heart hurts. “And not always when it matters.”
“Well—what would you do if you weren’t afraid of anything?” Yeonjun is looking at him so warmly, the gentlest smile on his features.
Beomgyu takes a deep breath, “I would—” he hesitates, so scared to see that soft gaze falter. “I would tell you that I love you.”
Yeonjun’s eyes widen just a little, but he doesn’t say anything yet. Not even an attempt at deflection disguised as a smooth retort, he just stares . And Beomgyu starts to panic, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I really shouldn’t have said that.” He starts rambling, he feels like an idiot.
But then, like magic—Yeonjun simply pulls Beomgyu forward and kisses him. A warm and sweet kiss, just a little bit desperate, and so very hopeful. The kind of kiss that makes you think of moments in the rain, moments with fireworks bursting above—or even better yet, a moment beneath a beautiful sky full of stars. A moment with the person you would pull every single one of them down for. “I’m really glad you said it.” Yeonjun whispers as he pulls away, their foreheads touching.
Beomgyu feels his heart leap in his chest and before Yeonjun can even think about getting another word out, Beomgyu is kissing him again. A deeper kiss this time, practically clinging onto him for dear life, relief and joy washing over him. And when Yeonjun pulls away slightly, laughing just a little, Beomgyu pouts. “You’re laughing, why are you laughing?”
Yeonjun smirks at him, a mix of endearment and amusement, “I didn’t even get to say I love you too. And also—you know I’m not going anywhere, right?” He looks so fond that it almost overshadows how embarrassed Beomgyu feels about being so eager. Almost.
Beomgyu chuckles a little, “oh…sorry,” he can feel how warm his face is now.
“It’s cute,” Yeonjun says. And then, a little bit softer, “I love you too.”
Beomgyu sighs deeply, he feels so happy he could cry (of course, he absolutely will not be doing that). “Thank god, honestly,” he says. This time they both laugh as Yeonjun grabs Beomgyu’s face, this time kissing him just as eagerly.
Beomgyu has always loved the stars, just like he has always loved Yeonjun. And he can’t think of anything better than this moment, knowing that Yeonjun wants him back, loves him back. As it turns out, all they both needed—was just a little bit of courage.