Chapter Text
Leon waited for the red light to change. He looked at his hands on the steering wheel and flexed his fingers, letting out a sigh.
His eyes were dark and clouded. They were the eyes of a man that was damaged, a man that had felt pain and suffering than any other person should.
He pulled away from the light, and drove for another minute letting his mind wander.
Leon felt numb when he reached his house.
He put the car in park, now wishing that a bolt of lighting would just come down from the sky and kill him dead.
A familiar black BMW was blocking his driveway.
The lights were on in the front room, he grit his teeth and got out of his car, locking it.
He looked towards the front door, and remembered the one time he had pulled up to find her sitting on the stairs, waiting for him. She stood when he climbed the steps, and watched him with half a smile playing on her lips and mischief in her eyes. He remembered kissing her and how their bodies crashed into one another once they made it inside. He remembered how she pinned him against the wall, running her mouth with his, running her hands all over his body, but this wasn't one of those moments, she wasn't here to welcome him home.
Leon headed up the driveway and stood outside of his house a few minutes, debating, waiting.
His heart was pounding in his chest. He chuckled and then decided he was being stupid and made himself go in.
The first thing that hit him was her perfume. He gathered himself and stepped inside his living room.
Ada was sat on the couch, with her long legs crossed. Her short raven hair was down the way he liked it, and she was wearing a black designer dress, tight on her that hugged every curve. She looked sexy. Her makeup was dark, her lips a blood red.
No matter the situation, she always looked a million, and made sure of it.
She greeted him, "Leon,"
"Ada."
A month had passed since he had talked to her, and now here she was, back in his living room like they hadn't missed a day. She had always been like that. Pretend nothing was surprising and you would never be surprised.
The fact that she moved out was apparent on the first glance. He had spent the days pretending nothing had ever happened but failed miserably.
Everything was different, and his different was bad. His different was painful.
Everything seemed lifeless, joyless, empty.
But it was the right thing. It was better for everyone and in the long run, it was better for him as well.
Ada stood from the couch and stretched like cat and he tried his best to avert his eyes from the movements her body made.
She walked over to him, "Good day?" She asked putting her arms around his neck.
Leon pulled back from her enough to look into her eyes.
He wanted hold her and kiss her. He wanted to hug her fiercely.
Instead, he took a deep breath and then turned his head from her but she pulled it back.
“Relax," she ran her hand through his dirty blonde hair and winked at him, stepping back. "I just want to see how you're holding up, that's all."
She wasn't making it any easier by showing up here, reminding him of what was left of them. He would rather not know what he was missing.
“I'm fine. Just tired." He said.
Ada sat back down on the couch and tapped on the empty space next to her, “Come here.”
He slowly walked over and sat down.
They sat quietly for a minute.
Ada waited till he said something, anything but he remained still. Fed up with his silent treatment, she took his chin in her hand and forced him to look at her. She saw the red eyes and she determined that this was the lowest he had been himself at.
“Jesus Leon," she said quietly, "I didn’t realise-“
“I’m okay.” Leon interrupted, and slowly removed her delicate hand from his face.
He noticed her wedding ring left a slight indent on her ring finger and wondered if she still kept it because his was still in his bedroom.
“It's for the best." He added and then let go of her hand, aching from the loss of her touch.
Ada studied him for a moment.
He was unsure if he really meant it. He thought maybe living without her would give him enough distance to get to his feet again, but ever since the divorce, the thought of living without her was so agonising, it robbed him the ability to breathe.
“Why did you marry me?"
She opened her mouth to speak but changed her mind. Leon knew better than to prompt her so he remained silent again.
There were no questions about whether or not she wanted to be with him; she did, and she took the risk for him; knowing that it wouldn't work out.
Ada tried to remember how many times she had left Leon and constantly lied to him.
There were many things Ada kept to herself. She tried to remember the times she couldn't bring herself to open up to him.
She remembered the times they fought, they were careful not to go too far, but they did. They were careful not to say that one thing that would cut too deep, hurt too much, and make it final but they did.
Sure she loved him, she cared for him deeply, but being in love and loving someone were two different things.
If someone held a gun to her head and explained why she had married him, Ada would have died not knowing the answer.
"We gave each other a chance and look what happened." Leon finally spoke.
He looked over to her, "Was any of it real to you?”
Even with the question standing so unavoidably in the room, she couldn't seem to find the right answer.
And Ada always had an answer, for everything.
She answered anyway, "Yes." Unsure if she even believed the words that came out of her mouth. "I married you, didn't I?"
He didn't know what to say to that. There probably wasn't anything to say to that. After hearing her say that she loved him in the past, he knew that she hadn't meant it the way he longed for.
“Why? Because you felt sorry for me?"
“I didn't want to ruin what we had."
"Well I clearly did by wanting more. We were never on the same page, were we?"
She looked away from him.
“No, we weren't."
He slumped back and rested his head on the couch, and stared straight ahead.
“Do you regret it?”
Leon watched her now and took her in, now wanting to feel her close again, he remembered their kisses, and her touches, but he dismissed it.
Ada knew that her time to give him an answer was up so she stood up. She knew doing all of this would hurt him even more.
“Wait," To her surprise, he took her hand and held it like a lifeline.
"I need to figure out how to let you go."
He wanted everything to be back to how it was before. When they weren’t married. When they weren’t committed, tied to one another. He wanted to take it all back. The realisation of their divorce being finalised knocked the breath out of him because before signing the papers, they both agreed to part ways, permanently.
He wanted to pull her to him, he didn't ever want to stop touching her. But he grasped her hand so tightly that it hurt.
“You don't need to. At least not for a couple of hours." She clutched his hand, memorising the way it felt in hers, knowing that this was possibly the last time she’d ever hold it.
Clouded by her thoughts, she pulled away from him and walked to the kitchen, feeling a bit dazed. She hated this.
It hit her now that this was the hardest thing she had ever done.
She should have never come here.
Why couldn't he move on? Why had he allowed her to hurt him that badly?
How could he still love her? Better yet, how could he have fallen in love with her in the first place. And why...for crying out loud, was there nothing that she could do?
***
Ada held a cup of coffee in one hand, and sat on the couch opposite Leon, unsure of how to proceed next. She examined her manicure and then looked at her watch. It was past midnight. Time seemed to have slowed.
She took a look around the house, taking in the surrounding of her place that had once been her home. That had been hard to leave.
The word ‘marriage’ felt like a slap to Ada. It was a betrayal of the promises they’d made. Their marriage showed her how this man would have given the world to someone, if he ever found the woman who he would want to give it to, too bad it couldn't be her.
She still cared for him, so she ought to be a bit compassionate and depressed, since it was her fault in a way. She had risked the one thing that mattered to her the most.
Ada studied his face for a while, immensely tempted to trace its clear lines with her fingers.
She was about to turn her head, but Leon opened his eyes, and looked at her lucidly.
She should've known. He hadn't been sleeping. They looked at each other for a while. Out of things to say, just trying to convey their feelings through their eyes.
"I thought you left." He exhaled, fighting for composure.
"I still have some time." She sighed, placing the mug on the coffee table.
"A couple of hours isn't gonna make up for the years we've wasted."
His pained words came back and a dull ache held her in a tight grip. Exhaustion crawled through her like black oil, making her wish she would have never have to think about the past ever again.
“They weren't wasted." Ada said after a moment of collecting herself. "I don't regret our marriage."
Leon felt like he had no strength anymore.
"Then why are we here?"
"You're always gonna be the most important man in my life. We have history. I'm not throwing that away.”
“You’re important to me too.” He was unable to tear his eyes away from Ada’s.
“But, we had an agreement, you can’t go back on your word now.”
Something too painful to bear was coiling itself around Leon’s heart, strangling him.
"You and I know both know that we don’t want the same thing. We can’t go back.”
Her stomach twisted.
“We can’t stay friends, either.” He reminded her.
“No, we can’t.”
“So, here we are.”
“Here we are.” Ada repeated.
They remained silent, trying to squelch the feeling of impending doom that was slowly overtaking them.
Somehow, the world kept turning.
Leon stood up now, locking his gaze with her.
“It's late. You should go."
A trouble sigh escaped him. He couldn't bare to see her leave, and he hated himself for it.
She took a step in his direction
“What did you come here for?" He asked.
“To find out if I'm making a mistake."
"Being here...like that." He lifted his hand a bit for emphasis. "...that's the mistake."
He swallowed the lump in his throat trying to keep the tears at bay for once.
“We're divorced.”
“That doesn't matter anymore." She took another step.
“We're far beyond the liberty of trying things out. This isn't a game anymore. You know that."
They were leaning close to each other now, only separated by a few inches. Ada knew that words might not be enough in this situation, so she took his face in her hands. She looked into his eyes, searing him with heated intensity.
She shouldn't be doing this, but his reaction to her touch made her bring one hand behind his neck, pulling his face to her.
She gently brushed her smooth lips over his, and then pressed her lips against his in a kiss that sent his senses reeling.
Leon remembered what kissing her had been like and eagerly opened his mouth to her, knowing that he wasn't going to find this with another woman, ever. His soaring passion matched hers. He felt the emotional connection flowing between them like an electric current. He fought against his painfully rapid heartbeat.
He was overwhelmed by the urge to feel her, to taste her again. The crush of her body was so sweet, it bordered on pain. She held every fear, every broken piece of him. Her fingers dug into his hair, and she kissed him harder. It was bruising, as if she was trying to suck his pain out.
He held her so tightly, that he could hear their hearts drumming through their chests like hail falling into a bucket of water.
The sound of the rain falling outside mingled with that of their rapid breathing, creating a tide of dizzying sensations that threatened to drown out everything else. There was no need for words between them.
He suddenly pulled back, trembling. There was no mistake in how much this affected him. He looked morosely into her eyes.
"It's just going to make it harder on both of us if we do this now." He stepped back from her, defeat etched into his features.
Obviously, trying to protect himself against her had not worked at all.
Guilt weighed Ada down at the thought that she had done that to him - again. Showing him something only to take it away - again. Because the only feelings she always considered were her own.
He sucked in a breath. “Why do you keep coming back?”
She let the question hang there because she didn't have an answer.
"Go." He said pleadingly.
Knowing that there was nothing more to say, she realised how cruel it was to come back to him, giving him the feeling that this was going somewhere.
She turned on her heel to leave, but she felt his hand grab her arm, turning her around in a swift motion, pulling her back to him.
Leon kissed her again, she drank in the taste of him. He braced his legs as her thighs slid over his hips and her ankles crossed against the back of his legs. He could smell her skin, and feel the heat of her flesh. He felt utterly enveloped, as if he'd melted through her flesh, and their blood had joined.
Ada's mouth came away from his, and her lips grazed his ear.
“Show me where it hurts."
***
Sometime later, they lay in bed. The sheets smelled of their sweat and lovemaking, imprinted into the fabric, like it had been there a thousand nights.
Her eyelids fluttered shut again. Ada couldn't sense anything around her but him. There was no past, no future, no time or space. Everything had ceased to exist except the present moment and the two of them. Ada slowly sat up on the edge of the bed, and started to get dressed. She tried to ignore her heart aching from the knowledge that she was hurting him. The past few hours reminded her of everything that had passed between them, years of closeness, gone, just like that.
She slipped her Jimmy Choo heels on her feet, stood up, and then walked to his side of the bed.
Ada studied his handsome face, and watched him sleep. This was the man who had seen her through everything. She could still trust him completely. She felt exposed, but safe.
She closed her eyes, and took a deep breath in an attempt to compose her over stimulated nerves. Fear stabbed her heart as she considered the possibility that they might never see each other again.
It would always be too complicated, married or not, they’d never actually stood a chance.
Was this it?
Now was the perfect time to leave.
So, why wasn't she moving?
Go, before he wakes up.
For a moment, she remembered everything that had happened in this house. Everything they’d shared.
“I’m sorry Leon.” She sighed, trying to back away from him, but unable to complete the needed steps.
“The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you.” She heard her own voice speaking such inadequate words, words that could never tell him how much it hurts, how she wished every fibre of her being that if she could go back in time and change everything, she would.
Ada quietly let herself out, and felt him burning through her as she disappeared into the night, leaving his arms empty and his life a void.
***
At the precise moment Ada closed the front door behind her, Leon opened his eyes.
He sat up, and studied the room around him dispassionately, but refused to look over to the empty spot next to him. His skin burned where she'd touched him. The taste of her kiss was a tantalising reminder on his lips as her scent clung to the sheets.
It was like seeing the aftermath of a natural disaster.
He sat alone for what seemed like an eternity, thoughts turning like a relentless wheel in his mind. A vice wrapped around his chest, suffocating any hope for this pain to become bearable.
Leon left the bedroom, went down to the kitchen and opened the fridge to get a beer.
Too blinded by his mental pain to take in his surroundings, he opened his beer and took a long drink, wishing that it contained some elusive substance to shut off his impossible feelings. He leaned against the wall as his eyes adjusted to the darkness.
He’d been through this many times. But during those times, she was his wife. She came back to him.
This time she wasn’t and he knew differently. He saw his home through the eyes of detachment. It meant nothing to him now. It could burn to the ground. For all he cared.
His only reason for being here was gone forever.
I'll sleep it off, he told himself. Things will be better when I wake up.
Leon clung to the wall for support, beer spinning in his head and longing tossing in his heart. He was desperately trying to ignore the sick feeling welling up in his stomach.
He was dying inside. He couldn’t have the one thing he’d wanted more than he’d ever want in his life.
He began to walk the familiar path to his room, then stopped. Overwhelmed, he threw the bottle of beer at the bathroom door. It shattered into countless shards on the floor.
He left it where it was, and entered his bedroom. The mess wasn't going anywhere and he needed sleep. Leon knew that that sometimes it was impossible to pick up all the pieces. He leaned against the door, his knees sinking under him.
She’s not coming back.
It was a harsh reality to accept.
He buried himself in his bed and pulled the pillow over his eyes, trying to escape back into the numbing refuge of sleep. A slideshow of scenes from this night, and all of the others he had spent with Ada played in his head in a continuous loop. From their first meeting, to now, his head suddenly throbbed in pain.
Leon rolled over and hid his face under his sheets. He had to find sleep again. It was the only way to forestall the inevitable end.
A wave of sadness crashed over him, at that moment with the force of a hurricane. He could wish on every star in the damn sky and it wouldn't change a damn thing, there were too many forces against them.
Every second they spent together was stolen time, borrowed time that ended at a moments notice.
But, goodbye didn’t meant letting go.
He knows he’ll never stop loving her.
It meant living without each other for the good.
He didn’t know how he was going to do this.
Ada never left his mind for a minute.
***