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It had been a very, very long day. I'd spent it talking to little old ladies who'd lost their necklaces and angry teens who refused to believe that love potions were a strictly bad idea that would turn their lives into rolling storms of chaos and dubious consent. The rushing river had slowed to a trickle, since it was the end of the day, but that was fine. I had enough customers to pay my bills for a little while, and that was what mattered. The free time, too, meant that I could take the calls that my dear friend John had been incessantly ringing me with. Finally.
"John, beloved light of normalcy in the tumultuous sea of magical and eldtrich bullshit that is my life, how are you today? What on earth could have possibly caused you such distress that you'd call me during work hours, approximately eight billion times? Have-" and then he cut me off very abruptly.
"Rose, someone saw Dave," he said, and any words that had been lingering in my throat curled up and died, as I felt a sudden chill sweep across my shoulders. Our mutual friend Dave had disappeared roughly a year ago. At this point, he'd been assumed dead. There had, after all, been an awful lot of blood where he'd last been seen. We'd all accepted it. Not like we'd wanted to, but the evidence and the time piled up, until we really couldn't deny it. But now?
"Are you sure?" I asked, well, demanded really. I tried very hard to keep my voice even, but there was really no point to it.
"Totally sure," he said, "She described him to me and everything."
I didn't want to hope. Hope was just going to make everything more painful if the mysterious apparition was a shapeshifter or something worse.
"Have you," I started, and then almost felt too awkward to continue. I persevered regardless.
"Have you told Jade or Karkat yet?" I asked, shoving the words out of my throat with an amount of force that probably wasn't necessary. Jade and Dave had been dating, sort of, before his disappearance, and while I wasn't entirely privy to the details of his relationship with Karkat I knew it was absolutely a thing. They deserved to know what was going on.
"Not yet," John said, "I think they're out being wolves or something, they aren't answering their cellphones."
That made sense. Werewolves couldn't use phones. Their paws didn't have opposable thumbs. Ah, the true curse of lycanthropy.
"I say we give them an hour and try again," which probably wasn't enough time, but really, we had to keep trying. Because this was something we all needed to sit down and talk about, because what if? What if this was our Dave, our rambling dork who thought dead mice in jars were the epitome of cool and who couldn't talk about his feelings without launching into metaphors about Texas or meteors or who knows what else? We had to figure this out. Help him if it was him, kill it if it wasn't.
"Works for me," John said, and then added, "Listen, Rose. You're the detective here. If anyone can figure out what's happening, it's you."
"Why John, that's so sweet of you. I adore the confidence you have in me. My heart feels light as a feather now," which, admittedly was untrue, but I really did appreciate his statement. He had faith in me, and it really did make me feel better. Not too much, as I was still reasonably upset that either someone was impersonating my dead friend or my dead friend had actually been suffering without our help, but a little better. When John hung up the phone, I almost felt like I'd be able to handle whatever the world threw at me.
And then the knocking on my door started. It was loud, and it was frantic. The strength behind each knock was immense. I thought my door might fly off the hinges if I didn't get it.
Cautiously, I made my way to the door, then flung it open, pointing a pen I'd grabbed as menacingly as was possible. Which wasn't very, but that didn't matter, because the knocker had collapsed onto the floor in front of my doorstep, and I'd have recognized that ginger head anywhere.
"Dave!" I yelled, in a shocked voice that was absolutely not a squeak whatsoever. At that moment, it didn't matter what was going on. This was my friend, and he needed help. I dropped to the ground, and hoisted him onto my shoulders. I was extremely uncomfortable with the realization that I could lift him no problem. I am not a particularly tall or particularly buff woman. I shouldn't have been able to. He'd lost so much weight. I'd managed to get him onto the couch before I realized it might be a bad idea. There was always the chance this wasn't my Dave, and that I'd just let a murderous creature of the night into my office.
Luckily, I still had the pen, and my couch wasn't exactly very sturdy. I dragged it and him into the middle of the room, and set about drawing a circle around him. Hopefully, it would hold him if he decided that I looked like a snack.
With that done, all I could do was sit and wait. I debated calling John, but honestly, I didn't want him to get wrapped up in this. Not right now. And maybe I was being selfish, too. If this was Dave, I wanted to talk to him on my own, first. I had so much to say.
I had time to make myself a very strong mug of tea, and drink half of it, before Maybe Dave began to stir. He dragged his head up, blinking in confusion. His sunglasses were askew, his eyes blurry with exhaustion, and I couldn't help but feel a tug at my heart. I missed him, and if this turned out to be an imposter I was going to be extremely upset.
"Rose?" he mumbled, and I could barely restrain myself from tackling him in a hug, embarrassing as it would be.
"Prove that you're Dave," I said, "tell me something only Dave would know."
"Fuck, Rose, you're getting right into it. No hello, how you been, straight to the point. You're on a railroad track to the truth, one of those super speedy magnet trains, you know? Nyoom, there she goes, directly through a tunnel, right to the heart of the matter. Crashing right into it, there's explosions and shit happening, the news crews are all there, it's a disaster." I stared as he rambled on. That was absolutely our Dave. No one else could match the bizarre tracks his conversations went through.
"It really is you," I said, and I'll admit it, I started to tear up. He was alive. My rambling idiot was alive, he'd been gone for so long but now he was back, and nothing would take him away again. I swore it on my soul and my knitting.
"Hey, you didn't even wait for me to say something only I'd know," he said, but before he could continue I'd already lunged over and thrown my arms around him in a hug. He was so bony, and cold, but he was still my Dave. He stiffened up when I hugged him, and that set off alarm bells.
"Rose, I'm so happy to see you too. Like, insanely happy. So happy my heart is probably going to literally combust, and you're gonna have to call your landlord, be like, listen, there's scorch marks all over, don't worry about it, but. Rose. Rose, please let go. And then redraw that fucking circle on the ground, because I have some shit to tell you and it's gonna make you feel real weird bout all this." When I let go, his face was deadly serious. I backed away, slowly. He'd readjusted his sunglasses, but I could feel the weight of his gaze as he watched me redraw the circle around him. When I finished, he shifted nervously, and began to speak.
"So, okay, first of all. I'm gonna need you to not freak out, no matter what I say. Because I'm gonna tell you some upsetting stuff." I nodded.
"Dave, I'm a witch, and a detective witch at that. I think I can handle whatever it is that you're worried about." He looked surprised.
"So you did make it in the detective world. I'm so fucking proud of you," he said, dodging giving the answers he'd offered.
"I did it because of you," I said, "and I'd really like to know what's going on here. Please, let me help you."
"Seriously, this is gonna get real weird, strap in for a bumpy ride and secure your socks."
I nodded seriously, and said, " My socks are immensely secured, practically superglued."
"Alright," he said, "Here goes." He took a deep breath, shifted himself to a more comfortable position, and began.
"That day I disappeared, I think I died. I mean, I don't totally know the mechanics, but uh. Vampires are dead, you know?" My horror showed on my face, and he could absolutely tell.
"Yeah, so, I'm a vampire now. Blood drinking and bats and all that. I got jumped in an alleyway by this bastard. Fucker was way too fast, pretty sure he was teleporting, he was like a fucking anime or something. And so, uh. He bit me, hauled me off to god knows where. I woke up in a cabin in the middle of who fucking knows. And, uh, vampire stuff happened, and I was trapped there, and it sucked, and he was a douchenozzle. And then eventually he left for a bit, and I escaped. And I came to you, because, well. You wanna know the worst part, Rose? The part that's fucking me up?"
I had to know. I wanted to give him some kind of comfort, but what could I even say here?
"What is it?" I asked. It was the only thing I could do.
"He's gonna come after me, Rose. He's gonna find me, and nothing I can do will stop him. I feel it right down to my fucking bones."
"Fuck," I said, the very picture of composure.
"Yeah, fuck," he replied. We sat there in silence for a little while, each processing our own thoughts. I couldn't begin to imagine what he'd gone through. He'd been trapped, held prisoner both by a monster and quite possibly by his own horrific changes. It must have been hell to adjust to that without a sympathetic friend to lean on. I was friendly with a couple of the local vampires, and nothing they had said about the process of becoming one sounded particularly enjoyable. More extremely painful and upsetting. To suffer through that the way Dave had? I was amazed he had managed to remain functional enough to escape.
"Also, Rose?" he said, in the quietest voice I'd ever heard, "I eat people now. What the fuck do I do?" He sounded so lost that I desperately wanted to hug him again. But this wasn't the time for that, and I wasn't sure he would be okay with it. He'd been through a lot.
"That's what friends are for, Dave. I'm perfectly willing to let you snack on me. It'll be a harrowing experience, I'm sure, but that's just a sacrifice I'm willing to make. And I'm sure Jade, or John, or Karkat will also be willing." Bringing up Jade and Karkat was probably a mistake, because his face crumpled.
"God, I can't face them, I'm a monster." I was pretty certain that was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard come out of his mouth.
"Dave," I said, my voice as even as possible, "They are literal werewolves. You are not going to scare them off. Repeat, literal werewolves."
"Oh. Yeah, yeah they are." He looked significantly less like he was going to cry, so I considered it a job well done.
"We need to get you in contact with them. We also need to keep you hidden, because I don't want that bastard getting his hands on you any more than you do. We need solutions here," I said.
He looked contemplative, and finally said, "I think I have an idea, but it's gonna tucker me the fuck out. I'm gonna need a nice long nap wrapped up in a pile of blankets and uh, a snack."
"Consider it done," I replied. He shrugged, and then squinched his face in immense concentration. The was a popping noise, and a puff of energy that wouldn't have been noticeable to anyone not already tuned in, and then, Dave was no longer on my couch. Instead, there was a very small, very orange, very adorable bat.
"Dave?" I asked. The tiny bat did a tiny bat nod. I nearly died of cuteness overload on the spot.
"Alright, we'll just put you in my pocket, or, hmm." I didn't want to put him in my pocket, what if he got crushed? Not a good plan. Maybe he could ride in my shirt? No, that would cause him to die of embarrassment. There was only one thing to do.
“Dave, climb into my hair,” I said. He made an adorable squeaky bat noise, which I assumed was an agreement. It tickled, having him climb all over me with his little bat feet, but I did my best to remain dignified. When I figured he was situated, I said, “We’re going to head over to Jade’s now. From there, we’re going to get Karkat and John, and we’ll come up with a plan to deal with this. Sound alright?”
He made another cute bat squeak. With that, I swapped my door sign to closed, picked up my purse and other assorted items, and headed out.