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Mattholomule wasn't sure how the fight had begun. Even with their mended friendship, he and Gus tended to find ways under the other's skin. It was usually small things adding up, lack of communication overlaying the want (and need) to be friends.
Mattholomule didn't like fighting, it just happened so often that he couldn't get away from it. No matter where he was, fighting was right behind him, an open arm ushering him closer and closer. Maybe it was his emotions taking over.
He always had had issues with that, after all. Maybe his emotions were why he had finally decided he had had enough.
Maybe his emotions were what pushed him over the top, making everything boil over despite the strength being put back to hold it all back.
Maybe it was his past. His past with Bria, his past with other students, his past with everyone. Maybe it was his fight-or-flight instinct kicking in.
Bria had always made him seem weak. Maybe he wanted to prove that he wasn't. Maybe he wanted to prove he was so much more than anyone ever thought he was.
No matter what it was, he didn't want to take it out on Gus. Even if Gus had done something to annoy him, he didn't want to hurt him.
He would never forgive himself if he did.
“Come on Matt! Things don't have to be this way– We can work this out! There might be a few changes but– change is good!” Gus’s voice was desperate. He never seemed to like seeing Mattholomule this way.
Maybe he cared. Maybe it was all just an act. An act to get closer to Mattholomule, an act to rise him up higher than ever before, then throwing him right back down to be shattered into even more pieces than before.
Gus didn't know it, but he had helped fix Mattholomule, bit by bit.
He could just as easily crush him back down to nothing.
“Please Matt! Just– Listen! We can talk it out! Do something! I don’t want to fight you! Everyone always says violence isn't the answer–”
Something in Mattholomule’s mind clicked. It twisted and turned, making him look directly at Gus. Gus, the one who wanted so badly for him to stop, the one with pleading eyes and a terrified face, the one that he loved, but would never admit to doing so.
It tick, tick, ticked, then blew.
“Just... Can it, will ya? You cant make everything better just by saying some stupid saying.” His voice was sour. The words were spat as if they were acid. The look on Gus’s face made it even worse. He looked pained. Worried. Hurt.
But Mattholomule didn't care. He just kept talking. “You know, all of those things are easy for you to say, cause when you change, you change for the better.” he laughed. It was a kind of laugh that hurt, that showed more emotions than it needed to. He could feel every emotion rising up inside of him, the tears burning his eyes.
Had he started crying? He wasn't sure. He didn't care either. He didn't even notice as he drew a spell circle up in the air, his eyes piercing into Gus’s, staring directly through him.
“But when I change? I change for the worse,” he slammed his hand onto the ground, his body collapsing down with it, a wave of magic pointing directly towards Gus, ending only inches in front of his face.
Now Mattholomule was crying. He knew he was. His tears caused the dirt beneath him to dampen. His body shook.
“I used to not be good enough, just not good enough for her! But now? Now I'm not good at all!” his knees scraped against the ground as he collapsed down even further, his hands pulling at his hair. He laughed again. Another laugh filled with far too many emotions, another laugh filled with things no one was supposed to know.
“Funny, right?” He laughed more. He shut his eyes, his head falling against his knees, “at least you found me interesting. More than a lot of people could say….”
“Matt–” Gus’s voice was louder than before. It was closer. Mattholomule could vaguely feel a presence near him.
“You actually liked me, didn't you?” He turned his head, opening his eyes slightly, seeing Gus kneeled down next to him, a look of worry written all over his face, a speck of love hidden in his eyes. “You just want to be my friend…. I just want to have a friend…”
“Matt… We are friends…” Gus looked as though he was conflicted on what to do. He glanced around before focusing on Mattholomule again. “I promise you, we’re friends” He slowly grabbed one of Mattholomule's hands, holding it between his gently.
A wash of guilt rushed over him, more tears brimming his eyes. Behind that guilt was knowingness, knowingness of the lies that were told, but a hope that the words Gus spoke had at least a fleck of truth to them.
He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve any of it. He had hurt Gus, he had hurt Gus badly, always pushing him down no matter how hard he tried to prove himself worthy.
He had done the same thing Bria did to him, and he hated it.
“But I've been such a horrible friend–” His voice was weak, it was raw, it was barely holding up. He hated it. He hated how broken he sounded, how broken he was. “All those things I said– they–”
Why couldn't he just be a normal kid? A normal student, a normal witch?
“But you've also been through a lot. Matt,” Gus interrupted, “ I saw how Bria treated you and the others. It couldn't have been easy breaking away from that”
“All I had to do was walk away. And I did.”
“But you still feel like you're with her.”
Mattholomule didn't say anything. He closed his eyes again, focusing on the circular motions Gus was rubbing on his palm, matching his breathing with them, clearing his mind.
He didn't want to admit that Gus was right. It really had been hard to leave Bria behind– and he still felt like he hadn't. But it was hard to say, hard to express it all. Hard to come to terms with, even.
“Maybe,” he said after a while, shifting slightly, and regretting it immediately after Gus let go of his hand, then tiredly sat up, looking at his scraped up knees, biting his tongue slightly as they stung, “I dunno. It's hard to tell, I guess.”
“Well, maybe we can figure it out together,” Gus said, pulling a few bandaids out of his pocket, gently unwrapping them, and putting them in x’s on Mattholomule’s knees, covering most of the scapes. He seemed to not notice the light blush that went over his face, or the small winces from the pressure on the scapes.
“I think… She’ll always have an effect on me”
Gus looked up, watching Mattholomules face change expressions slightly before speaking, choosing his words carefully. “What… what stuff did she do?” He asked, “I mean if you're okay with telling m–”
Mattholomule laughed lightly, the first real laugh he had felt in weeks. It was nice. “No no, it's fine.” he paused for a few seconds, looking down at his hands and picking the skin on the tips of his fingers, then spoke.
“She did a lot of things, really. Most of it was just pushing me to the side, using me for what I had– Kind of like what you saw when you first saw us– but there was… other stuff.” He paused again, hating how he had to do so so often. He was done with Bria– he hadn't even seen her in what felt like forever. Why was he having so much trouble talking about the things she did?
“We, uh, got into fights sometimes.” As he spoke, he could feel Gus getting closer to him, but he chose to ignore it. “Not many of them were big– but… they usually all ended in me getting hurt in some way. Some were… worse than others”
Gus seemed to pick up on what had happened. Maybe Mattholomule hadn't done that great of a job at hiding it.
Maybe it was just obvious either way.
“You should have told someone, they could have helped…”
“Anyone I told would just brush it off as me being dramatic. That's how it works most of the time.”
Gus looked at Matholomule with a look that he couldn't read before speaking, his words just as raw as his eyes were. “...no one else in the group stood up for you?”
“No!” his voice was edged with frustration, frustration he knew wasn't aimed at Gus, but was being aimed at him anyways. “They were all too scared!” he could feel tears welling up in his eyes again, but he harshly rubbed them away as he stood up. “It's whatever. Shouldn't be botherin you with this anyways.” his voice wavered slightly as he dusted himself off, ignoring how Gus scrambled up too.
He felt more frustration bubble up inside of him. He just wanted to be alone, far away from everyone, but even further away from the one he had accidentally just told everything to.
How could he be so stupid?
“Matt–”
Mattholomule cut him off before he could continue. “No. It’s fine, I’m fine, everything is fine. You don't have to worry.”
“But I am–”
Everything bubbled over. It started slowly, then happened all at once, all over again.
“WELL, DON'T BE! I'm not worth that, Augustus. So you can stop pretending to want to be my friend, you can stop listening to my stupid past and acting like it's anything bad. You don't have to pity me like everyone else.”
“I'm not doing any of that! Matt, I care about you, I really do, and there's nothing you can do to change that! I'm not like Bria, I'm not like any of the people who have wronged you! Please just listen to me, give me a chance… I want to help you. I- I enjoy your company.”
Mattholomule didn’t move, keeping his focus on the area ahead of him, his mind searching rapidly for ideas, for things to say, for reasons why the words Gus was saying could be fake.
But he could think of nothing.
It was then he realized he wanted Gus’s words to be true. He wanted to mean something to him, he wanted to be friends with him, he wanted to trust him.
The anger cooled. Everything came crashing back down all at once, and he hated how it happened so quickly. He hated how he went from one emotion to another in a matter of seconds, he hated how Gus of all witches was who caused it.
But most of all, he hated how when he fell to the ground again, a tired feeling seeping into his bones, that he leaned into Gus’s touch, how he leaned into his arms, how he accepted the hug, the warmth, the comfort. He hated how for the first time in what felt like his entire life, he felt 100% safe, 100% free.
He hated how much he cared, how much he thought, how much he loved.