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Gaon finds out he's pregnant the same day the Courthouse blows up with Yohan inside it.
The smell of smoke, the faint reek of human flesh burning wafting in the air, filtering through his oversensitized nose; the fear, the worry, the sorrow taking over his chest like a hurricane.
He twists his body around and vomits on the grass.
Oh Jinjoo is quickly kneeling by his side. The alpha rubbing his back softly, mumbling words of comfort and encouragement. It only makes it worse. Gaon slumps in Jinjoo's arms, curling around himself and cries silently, his body trembling with the violent sobs that won't allow him to breathe.
Jinjoo cradles him carefully, fingers threading through his hair while she releases calming pheromones. Gaon appreciates the gesture, but is not the same. She is not what he wants and whatㅡ who he wants is never coming back.
Yohan is never coming back.
He had been feeling under the weather for the last couple of weeks, but Gaon had attributed his exhaustion and aching body to all the physically and emotionally strenuous situations he had been put through.
Yohan's plans started to unfold dangerously and faster than what they ㅡor maybe it was just himselfㅡ were ready for. He wasn't going to back down, so Gaon had pushed the burning in his lungs to the back of his head and moved on.
This morning he couldn't ignore it anymore, the signs were there, the symptoms loud and clear. His last heat had been three months ago and they had spent it as usual: locked up in their bedroom, fucking, eating and sleeping. Nothing had been different, except… Gaon chuckles bitterly at himself, they had always been careful on avoiding Yohan's knot on the last day, the day when the chances of getting pregnant were higher; but on the second day of Gaon's heat, Yohan's rut had hit, too. They were not able to control it as well as they used to, apparently.
Three positive pregnancy sticks and a blood test confirmed Gaon of his fears. The same morning Yohan's last blow was supposed to happen.
Gaon had panicked on his way to the Courthouse, what if he didn't make it on time? What if Yohan tried something crazy? Something out of the original plan. Something…
But not making it on time would've been better than seeing Yohan's apologetic expression on his face as he closed the heavy doors of the Live Courtroom to keep him outside. Not making it on time would've been better than watching Yohan, his alpha, the father of his child, blow himself up along with them. The people that hurt him, that ripped a chunk of his heart, leaving an open, bloody gash that Gaon was carefully, lovingly, working hard to patch up again. All in vain.
And now, he's never going to see him again. Yohan will never know about their baby. He'll never know just how much Gaon would've liked to live a normal life, to build a normal family; the both of them, with Elijah and a child of their own. Just like that, Gaon's dreams and hopes crumbled to the ground in a million little pieces not worth picking up anymore.
"Judge Kim." Gaon can hear Jinjoo's worried voice, her warm palm touching his cheek. "Kim Gaon." Gaon feels himself in and out of consciousness, his eyes too heavy to keep them open. "Gaon-ah."
Something inside Gaon breaks further at the endearment. Aside from Soohyun, Yohan had been the only one to call him that and it had taken them a lot of time, a lot of suffering to get there.
Gaon smiles weakly. Or at least he thinks he does and the last thing he sees is Oh Jinjoo's terrified eyes before blackness takes over and he sags, too tired to keep fighting. Too tired to keep living.
When Gaon opens his eyes again, everything around him is exceptionally bright: the lights, the white walls, the white ceiling, the white blinds stopping the sunlight from filtering to the room he's in.
It's not difficult to understand where he is, the smell is too particular, the sheets around and below him are too rough for actual comfort. There's a beeping sound in the distance or maybe he's the one still too far away from reality, but it's there, the constant beep beep beep hammering in his ears stronger and stronger the more Gaon comes to it.
He tries to move and his whole body throbs with pain. Gaon winces and he has to remain unmoving until it subsides. His throat is dry, parched and his lips feel flaky, skin around them too tight.
"You shouldn't move too much." Says a female voice. Gaon hears the soft clicking of her heels as she approaches the bed. For a moment Gaon is scared of looking at her, memories of Jung Sunah entering the mansion on that stormy night, the same sound of clicking heels echoing through the tall walls, coming back in a flash that makes his head thrum. "Gaon."
"Just a minute." Gaon manages to say, squeezing his eyes shut to push the fog in his brain away.
When he opens them again, he can now clearly see Jinjoo standing next to him, eyes moist and glistening with worry.
"How are you feeling?" She asks, but Gaon can't answer that question that easily. He doesn't know how he's feeling. When he doesn't reply, Jinjoo sighs. "You're pregnant."
Gaon glances at her, then back at his hands resting over his thighs.
"I know." Gaon nods. "I found out this morning."
"This morning?" Jinjoo sounds confused and Gaon confirms it when he looks at her, properly this time, he sees the deep scowl marring her perfectly trimmed eyebrows. "Gaon-ah, you've been sleeping for two days."
"Please, don't call me that." The words come out as a breathless whisper. He coughs then, his chest burning while Jinjoo rushes to approach him with a glass of water. Even in the middle of his confusion, of his fogged out head, he still hasn't forgotten. Yohan is no longer with him.
Gaon swallows the knot in his throat and bites his tongue to stop himself from crying. Jinjoo nods, mutters an apology and sighs.
"You were exhausted. The doctors said your body was too tired, no more energy to keep yourself awake. Besides, you were dehydrated andㅡ"
At that, Gaon panics. "The babyㅡ"
"The baby is fine." Jinjoo answers quickly. Gaon sighs in relief, this baby is the only thing he has left from Yohan. His baby and Elijahㅡ "You've been stabilized, though. You should be up and about in a few daysㅡ"
"Elijah?" Gaon interrupts her, eyes widening in panic. He tries to sit up again, but his back hurts and so do his arms and legs.
Jinjoo rushes to push him back down, shaking her head. "She's fine. They told me she's been sent to Switzerland, to stay with a distant relative for now. They couldn't give me more information."
Gaon doesn't know how to feel. Relieved, because Elijah is fine, but his heart twists painfully at the knowledge that he's been left behind. Abandoned by the two people he loved the most. Again.
"The mansion. Have you…?" Gaon's voice trails off.
Jinjoo hesitates for a moment. "Only your stuff is there. Lawyer Ko says there's a will. He'll drop by tomorrow."
"A-a will?" Gaon blinks.
Jinjoo hums. "I don't have the details. I just know Judge Kang left it for you and his niece."
Gaon can't speak anymore. Surely, Yohan wouldn't have been so cruel to think Gaon would be just fine to live a life without him, carrying the weight of a inheritance he didn't even ask for.
Jinjoo leaves an hour later, after a doctor comes by to confirm he is recovering and that there isn't any potential danger for the baby, promising to be back to spend the night with him. They keep him connected to an IV and the heart rate monitor anyway, just in case.
Ko Inguk comes early the next morning, after Gaon has been properly fed and had some more tests run on him to start with the discharge papers on the following day.
He hears Lawyer Ko read through several documents, explaining to him what Yohan's will had been before dying, but Gaon is barely listening, paying enough attention just to not come out as rude. He feels numb inside, his heartbeat so slow, alerting the nurse in the room into checking the machine and his pulse.
"He's fine." She assures Lawyer Ko, shaking her head softly and Ko Inguk understands it has nothing to do with his physical health.
"We can postpone this." He offers. "Until you're better."
But Gaon knows he won't ever be back to be better. He knows this pain isn't going to go away, the heartache isn't going to disappear and he isn't sure if he'd be able to go through this all over again.
"Please, continue." Gaon says instead, eyes fixed on the wall in front of him. It's better to just get this over with now.
Lawyer Ko lets out a little, almost inaudible sigh from his lips before he does as told, his eyes going from the documents on his hands to the downcast expression on Gaon's face. He can see the pain there, embedded in the young judge's eyes, the wrinkled lines of his forehead, the furrow of his brows and he wishes he could speak out loud what he knows. Ko Inguk wishes he could just spare Kim Gaon from all this suffering.
Gaon nods at Lawyer Ko's words and he signs the documents one by one in a robotic way. He trusts Lawyer Ko to not play any twisted tricks on him.
It isn't until Ko Inguk finally leaves, not without stopping by the door, his hand on the handle, to give Gaon one last unreadable look, that Gaon breaks down crying again. According to the will, he's being appointed as Elijah's legal guardian by Kang Yohan himself. All of Elijah's money and properties have been registered under his name, until Elijah is of age; the right to dispose of the fortune as he'd see fit during that time, has been legally granted. Half of Yohan's insurances have gone straight to his bank account upon his death.
Elijah will spend four months in Switzerland before coming back to Korea, after all the chaos created by Yohan dies down a little. Gaon feels guilty for feeling relief at that, not sure of being able to deal with her grief as well.
Gaon doesn't know what to do with himself, but he's willing to try for his baby. He owes it to Yohan, at least, to raise their child as he would've liked.
So when Gaon is finally discharged, he goes back to the mansion, determined to start anew. He makes sure every damage is fixed and every single corner is baby-proofed even when he's barely three months old.
He's having a boy, so slowly, he turns his old room into a nursery: the deep ocean life as a theme. Gaon returns to the room he used to share with Yohan, even when the memories are too painful, having a space that used to be theirs is enough to give his heart some peace.
Gaon asks Jinjoo to move in with him. As the alpha has been there for him every time he needed her. He knows it is a lot to ask, but Jinjoo's presence brings some sort of comfort, a sense of safety Gaon craves when loneliness takes over inside the vast spaces of the Kang mansion.
Jinjoo eventually says yes and Gaon feels like he can breathe again.
It's not that he's trying to replace his alpha. No one will ever come close to sharing the bond he shared with Kang Yohan, the throbbing mark on his neck a reminder that he'll remain as Yohan's mate for the rest of his life. But Jinjoo is a friend, a shoulder to lean on, an alpha willing to care for him and his baby and Gaon thinks it's time for him to be selfish, if anything, to give his child a sense of family, of belonging somewhere where he'll be loved and wanted.
*
"I don't think you'll ever have to work again in your life." Jinjoo comments casually, while she revises his finances now that Gaon has applied for pregnancy leave while he moves around the kitchen, making dinner. "With everything he left you, Judge Kang made sure of that."
"It's not my money. It's Elijah's." Gaon reminds her, ripping open a bag of mushrooms.
"Sure, but you're legally allowed to dispose of it as you please."
"No." Gaon is adamant, he won't be touching a single penny from Elijah's money.
"Okay, fine." Jinjoo sighs. Her brows furrow down onto the documents. "But you have half of the insurances' money and it's not only that, Judge Kang had investments in the Korean and international market." Gaon hums distractedly, aware of that bit of information. "All current and future incomes and profits from his shares are yours. Lawyer Ko will have an accountant keeping an eye on it all times, it says here."
Gaon huffs, tired of hearing the technicalities all over again. He knows Yohan left him with an immeasurable sum of money; he knows that if he wanted to, he could ditch his job and live comfortably, travel, maybe even move out of the country, but it just feels… wrong. Wrong that he's still dancing in between the grief and the sense of betrayal his mate abandoning him without a single word of goodbye left. Wrong that their child is going to grow up without one of his fathers. Wrong that Yohan thought he could fix Gaon's broken spirit with money.
Gaon is thankful, though and to not let Yohan's hard work of a lifetime go to waste, he plans on using that money to raise their child and eventually, when the time comes, he will pass everything onto him.
"Can you just tell me how much my savings are? I need to be ready, just in case." Gaon asks, pushing aside all of Jinjoo's comments. He accidentally steps closer to the countertop, the marble edge digging into his swollen belly.
Gaon hisses a little and in a blink, Jinjoo is there next to him.
"You okay?" She asks, worry lacing her words.
"Yeah, yeah, just… I miscalculated the distance." Gaon chuckles. Jinjoo just nods.
He's big now, entering his seventh month of pregnancy and tomorrow, Elijah will be coming back as well. She doesn't know yet, he had asked Lawyer Ko to keep it a secret, as Gaon hadn't known how she would've taken the news with his uncle's death still so recent. He can only hope she will accept this baby as a part of her family too.
"To answer your question, you have enough. But Gaon… you don't need to cut out expenses, you don't need to "plan" economically. Judge Kang did all this because he loved you, you were his mate. Youㅡ"
"Enough." Gaon cuts her off, slamming the knife he's been using to slice pieces of meat against the cutting board. He leans over the counter, nostrils flaring, chest aching. Loved, were, the past tense burning through his body, a reminder that Yohan is gone and that he's never going to come back. "Just… enough please. I'll use the money if I have to." He says, if only, to get everyone off of his back on the matter.
"I'm sorry." Jinjoo mutters, her hand rubbing between his shoulder blades in a comforting manner.
Gaon appreciates the gesture, but the touch feels foreign at the moment, his skin erupting in goosebumps at the ghost of Yohan's fingers on his body. It's not Yohan's hand on his back and it will never be again.
"It'sㅡ It's fine. I'm gonna head to bed, I'm tired." He washes his hands, dries them up and makes his way out of the kitchen.
Gaon lies in bed that night, unable to close his eyes, tears silently rolling down his cheeks. He presses a hand to his mouth to stop the pittiful noises from coming out of him, it hurts too much and he can't breathe. The mark on his neck throbbing painfully in the midst of his distress.
Sleep never comes and when the first rays of sunlight peek through the dark curtains, Gaon gets himself out of bed, brain pounding against his skull, body aching.
He showers, just for the sake of keeping himself occupied, Jinjoo must be waking up soon and today is the day Elijah is coming back from Switzerland.
Breakfast is a feat, with his stomach constantly revolting at the minimal smell of food, but Gaon forces himself to eat. He still wants to give Elijah the reassurance that he's doing fine.
Waiting for her to arrive is nerve-wrecking. His heart is pounding in his chest, his baby is restless, moving inside him and making Gaon hiss in mild pain every now and then. Anxiety runs through his veins like liquid fire, his arms and fingers tingle with the desperation of not knowing what her reaction is going to be.
Gaon softly presses a hand on his belly, hoping it will be enough to put his baby at ease.
"Gaon, calm down. It's going to be fine." Jinjoo remains standing just a few feet from where he's pacing back and forth like a crazed man.
"What if she hates me? What if she doesn't accept this baby? What if she blames me for Yohan's deathㅡ"
"Stop. It wasn't your fault." Jinjoo frowns.
"I put her uncle in jail, I betrayed our bond and he stillㅡ"
"Hey. Hey." Jinjoo quickly approaches him, her arms wrapping around his waist and shoulders to stop him from collapsing to the floor. Gaon feels himself on the verge of hyperventilating. It wasn't your fault, she repeats, helping him sit on the couch. Gaon had kept all the original furniture in the study, but he had made sure to have the floors thoroughly clean; something about Jung Sunah's presence still lingered in the room and the thought alone was enough to send Gaon into a nervous frenzy.
He needed to erase every single daunting memory from the place that would become his child's home.
"I-I'm sorry. I'm just… scared." Gaon's voice stutters.
"I know, but you're not alone. You have me and I'm sure Elijah is going to be delighted to welcome this baby." She places a hand on the top of Gaon's belly, smiling in hopes to transmit some reassurance.
Gaon opens his mouth to protest, when they hear the sound of the front door beeping open. Gaon tenses a little and Jinjoo scoots closer.
"She's here." Gaon mutters.
"It's going to be fine." Jinjoo whispers.
Gaon gets up on wobbly feet, just in time for Elijah to wheel in the study. The small smile on her lips for finally being home again vanishes in the next second as she takes in the person in front of her. She stops her wheelchair, Lawyer Ko stands behind her, an unreadable expression on his face that Gaon can't give himself the time to care about at the moment.
The silence that falls in the room is deafening. Gaon feels the walls surrounding them closing in and everyone else disappears, as if time itself has come to a stop while a wide mix of emotions cross Elijah's face.
She looks at him in the eyes, at his swollen stomach, then back up. Gaon swallows, ready for the whiplash, ready for her to start screaming at him, to start blaming him for the recent line of events that had brought them to this very moment; something he never thought he would feel in the presence of Elijah, the first person to welcome him into this house, the first person to make him feel like home was after all, a possibility: fear.
"Eliㅡ"
"Leave us alone, please." Her alpha's voice comes out, booming in the large study and making Gaon recoil a little. She doesn't leave room for discussion; she's in her own territory, where a beta like Lawyer Ko and not even another alpha like Jinjoo can do anything to stop her. Elijah approaches him slowly, carefully, eyes fixed on his belly. "Is it Yoㅡ" Gaon nods quickly, one hand protectively rubbing his bump. "Why didn't you tell me?" The frown is back on her face.
Gaon hangs his head and sighs. He sits back down on the couch and Elijah follows. She still seems a little awry of the situation.
"I… I didn't know how you were going to take the news. After everything that happened, I didn't think you would want anything to do with me. Much less this baby." The last words come out as a whisper. Gaon can't look up, can't meet her eyes.
"It wasn't your fault. You were tricked. Used!" Elijah snaps, making Gaon flinch. She sighs, closing her eyes and taking a moment to calm herself down. "I'm sorry. And I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you couldn't tell me." She reaches out, grasping Gaon's hand in hers. "Didㅡdid Yohan know?" Gaon shakes his head no.
"I found out the same morning of the explosion. I was on my way to tell him. I thought… if he knew, he would stop that nonsense, he would come home with me, find another way." Tears are falling freely once again, wetting his cheeks and his shirt. "He didn't listen to me. He kept me out." A violent sob wrecks his body and in the next moment, he has Elijah's arms around him.
The hug is awkward and twisted, a little painful even, with his stomach in the way and Elijah having to stretch the upper half of her body. But none of them care, Gaon presses his nose in her hair where the familiar scent, similar to Yohan's: full of spices and a hint of sweetness, fills his senses. Elijah smells like home and for the first time, Gaon feels some of his grief and his pain dissipating if only a fraction.
"We have each other." Elijah says, chin hooked over his shoulder while she rubs his back.
"I know." Gaon nods, hugging her a little tighter.
"And I can't wait to be an aunt."
"I love you."
That same night, after dinner and after Elijah had agreed to let Jinjoo stay in the house, she had excused herself to her room, tired from the long flight and the emotional storm caused upon arriving.
Jinjoo helps Gaon clean up the kitchen and as he makes his way to his bedroom, passing by Elijah's closed door, he hears her muffled voice through the thick wood; she sounds upset, trying to keep her voice down and in the privacy of her room. Gaon stops for a moment, concerned and dueling with the urge to knock and make sure she's okay, but it seems to be a very personal conversation. Whoever she's talking to, has managed to anger the teenage alpha.
Gaon huffs and keeps walking. If Elijah wants to tell him about it, she will, on her own time.
*
Now that Gaon stops to really think about it, going grocery shopping on his own, carrying the attached weight of an eight months old belly had not been the wisest idea. But Jinjoo had have to attend an emergency meeting at the Courthouse since this morning, Elijah is back to his online classes on that sophisticated computer of hers and Butler has been manfunctioning lately, messing up orders and adding extra charges, forcing Gaon to spend hours on the phone with the bank so they could fix it
They're going to have to replace the AI device and the sole thought of it makes Gaon anxious. Butler has been at his beck and call ever since he started living in this house. The device had been basically an extension of Yohan himself, too.
Ridiculous. Gaon chuckles, shaking his head as he closes the front door with one foot. Ridiculous how he can feel for an inanimate object. Ridiculous how they have come to depend so much on an electronic piece of steel.
Elijah said she was going to try to fix it. Her tone had been a little rushed, a little frantic because maybe, just maybe, she had felt the same as Gaon: as if letting go of a simple item in the house, would be like letting go of yet another part of Yohan.
But with the baby coming soon and Jinjoo going back to full time to the Courthouse, Gaon knows he will be needing the butler's assistance. He might try to convince Elijah to just get a new one.
Elijah. Gaon smiles at the thought of her. She had brought back peace of mind, an even bigger sense of reassurance and safety. He doesn't feel so hollow anymore, the emptiness in his chest has been slowly but steadily filling up again with the joy of having her back in his life, knowing she doesn't hate him, knowing she's ready to welcome this baby with just as much love as Gaon himself.
Elijah coming back had turned up a light in Gaon that had dimmed to the point of almost dying and he'll be forever grateful to her for that.
Gaon takes a turn to the hallway that leads to the kitchen. He can't see really well where he's going and the bags are slipping from his arms. Using his belly as support hasn't been much of a support. So he struggles, tightening his hold around the paper bags.
At that moment, he hears the scratching of a chair against the kitchen floor and frowns.
"Jinjoo? Are you back? I need some help here." Gaon grunts, he can already feel the bags starting to rip at the bottom.
In the next second, there's a pair of hands reaching out, clutching at the lower part of the bags, right over his own hands. Gaon freezes, the feeling is familiar, the width, the callousness and the warmth. Hands too big and too rough to be Jinjoo's or Elijah's. A pair of hands he's had on his body countless times before, mapping every single curve, every single patch of skin.
Gaon gasps loudly and snatches his hands away. His brain must be playing a twisted game with his heart.
The contents in the bags fall to the floor in a loud clatter: glass jars break, cartons explode and cans dent as Gaon meets eyes with the person standing before him.
"Gaon-ah." The ghost says. It's a face Gaon has been dreaming about for the last five months, it's a voice he never thought he would hear again. A spectre, a reflection of Gaon's pain looking right back at him.
"No." Gaon's voice comes out shaky, tears run freely, abundantly down his cheeks. "You can'tㅡ you aren'tㅡ"
He can't breathe, his heart pounds violently in his chest, his lungs burn with the struggle of trying to keep him a float. Gaon is dizzy, mind slipping over the edge of a panic attack.
"Gaon-ah." The ghost repeats and reaches out once again. His fingertips come in contact with the cold, sensitive skin of his cheeks.
It's too much. Too much.
Gaon inhales deeply, just in time for his body to give into the pressure. Pain shoots from the lower area of his belly, spreading on the extension of it and over to his back. His vision blurs and Gaon feels himself collapsing. The last thing he hears is his name being called out desperately, before he allows darkness to take him away.
*
Waking up in hospitals is something Gaon feels like he shouldn't get used to it. It's uncomfortable, the bed too hard and the sheets making his skin itch.
He's still a little dizzy and he has trouble focusing. Gaon blinks a few times, his hand instinctively traveling to his stomach. But it's flat, the bump he remembers having just hours ago, gone.
"My baby." Gaon gasps out and tries to sit up, but the pain on his stomach is searing, forcing him down again. He feels a stretch and lifts up his hospital gown, only to find the white of medical gauze and a blooming spot of red on the lower part of his belly. "No. No. My baby."
The door opens then and Jinjoo rushes in, dropping the paper bag she carries to the floor.
"Gaon. It's fine." She approaches, hands clutching his shoulders in an attempt at stopping him from thrashing on the bed. "Calm down, it'sㅡ"
"My baby!" Gaon yells as he tries to swat Jinjoo's hands away.
"Your baby is fine! He's fine, I promise." Jinjoo swallows. "It's fine." Jingoo repeats, letting out a sigh of relief when Gaon finally relents and lies back down, eyes wide and wet with tears.
"Whatㅡ what happened?" He asks, fist curling tightly on his hospital gown.
"You collapsed. Your body couldn't handle that much stress; an emergency c-section had to be performed, the umbilical cord was tangled around the baby's neckㅡ"
"Oh my god." Gaon gasps out and tries to get up again.
"He is fine now." Jinjoo repeats, marking up every word so Gaon can understand in the midst of his panic. "They have him in an incubator just because he's one month early, but the doctor says his health will improve with time and he will fully develop like a normal baby."
"Okay. Okay, it'sㅡ good. Good." Gaon nods. "Can I see him?"
"Not today." Jinjoo bites her lip. "You need to rest and there's something… Gaon, what do you remember before passing out?"
"Iㅡ" Gaon cuts himself of, then frowns. What does he remember before collapsing? Yohan was there, standing in front of him, talking to him, touching him. Gaon's hand moves up to his cheeks, where Yohan's fingers had grazed his skin. It tingles and his stomach churns uncomfortably at the memory. Was it really a memory? A trick of his brain? "Yohan… heㅡ" Gaon stops, swallows, "he said my, my naㅡ"
"Gaon," Jinjoo whispers, grabbing his hand softly uncurling his fingers that have been keeping an iron hold on the sheets, "I need you to listen to me carefullyㅡ"
The room's door opens then, very slowly and Elijah wheels in. She stays by the threshold, hand on the door handle as if hesitating in continuing with her way in or not. There's a strange expression on her face, pained, bordering on guilt and it makes Gaon want to throw up, his stomach flipping back and forth at the realization that Yohan could have not been a product of his imagination, of his grief.
Gaon opens his mouth to speak, at the same moment the door is pushed open wider and right there, behind Elijah, stands Kang Yohan, wearing a black hoodie that looks too big on him, a face mask covering the lower part of his face and his fluffed up bangs the upper one; but it's undeniably him, nevermind that Gaon can't actually see his face, but his essence, his scent, his stance… it's all Yohan and he looks very much alive.
He looks away, down to his lap, inhaling and exhaling shakily. His eyes slowly close as the painful realization that Yohan might haveㅡ no, that Yohan lied to him again hits him. Gaon is not sure if he's laughing or crying, or both, but his shoulders shake and tears fall from his eyes, leaving dark spots on the sheets.
A strangled chuckled leaves his mouth. He feels fooled, played, tricked, betrayed and every possible word related to the sentiment of knowing that your mate of all people, has blatantly lied to you, made you believe in the most painful, atrocious lies and abandoned you to carry all the weight on your own.
"Give me a moment with him, please." Yohan says, his deep voice feeling the emptiness Gaon feels inside. His omega wants to jump with joy for having his mate back, wants to hold him close and tight, bury his nose in his neck and feel the comfort his alpha offers.
But Gaon, his most rational side, wants to wrap his hands around his neck, bring him to his knees and force him to beg for forgiveness. He does none of that either, because as soon as Yohan approaches the bed, his scent: the mix of spiced sweetness, of wood in a pine forest, hits him stronger than ever. Gaon's nostrils flare and he gasps, doubling over at the overwhelming sensation.
It's a strange combination, he thinks, the relief coursing through his body, the urge to run away from the person his subconscious labels as the one that hurt him the most and the excruciating pain on his stomach.
"Don't." Gaon raises a hand to stop Yohan from coming closer.
"Gaon-ahㅡ"
"Don't… don't say my name like that. Stop." Gaon is still panting, the other hand on his chest where his heart beats erratically. The heart monitor is beeping at a faster pace too, but he knows it has nothing to do with an actual heart problem.
"Close the door." Yohan speaks to Jinjoo and Elijah who are still standing by the entrance. "Tell the nurses everything's fine."
They linger for a moment longer, unsure, but then Elijah is tugging on Jinjoo's hand to pull her out and away from the room. It's only when the door clicks shut that Yohan ignores Gaon's attempts at stopping him and rushes to him.
"You lied to me." Gaon spits out, cold and venomous. Yohan's hands freeze in mid air. "You fucking lied to me. Abandoned me. With our child…"
"I didn't know. I would've neverㅡ"
"Of course you didn't know!" Gaon says harshly through gritted teeth. "I was going to tell you, but you couldn't wait. You had to act on your stupid plan because all you ever cared about was your stupid revenge!"
"That is not true and you know it." Even though Yohan isn't raising his voice, it booms in the room, dangerously, making Gaon cower a little, but he's not going to back down now. He needs to let all the pain go. "I had to be quick. I had to before they couldㅡ"
"You made me believe you were fucking dead! You made me spend all those months mourning a lie."
"I'm sorrㅡ"
"I just want to know why." Gaon cuts him off harshly. "Why didn't you tell me? Why did you push me aside? Why didn't you come back to me after it? Yohan… do you have any idea of what I've been through, grieving over nothingㅡ oh god." Gaon pauses and takes a deep breath.
"I didn't want to drag you deeper into my mess, you already were deep enough. If I did, you would've never been able to face the aftermath of my actions." Yohan looks away, stepping aside.
"That was not your decision to make." Gaon snaps, looking at him with a frown on his face.
"It was. As your mate, it was my job to protect you."
"I didn't needㅡ"
"Yes you did!" Yohan exclaims, a little louder, a bit more exasperated as he paces around in the room. "You were still mourning Yoon Soohyun's death, K's death, Minister Cha's suicide, Min Jeongho's betrayal, the backlash of Jung Sunah's little game. Gaon… you were so close to collapsing. I couldn't add more to it."
"And you thought that by making me believe you were dead, you'd make it better?" Gaon can't believe what he's hearing. He looks at Yohan in disbelief, outraged.
"The plan was to go back home as soon as I could. I was going to leave the Courthouse and go to you, you were going to sign the will and all the transferring papers of my assets and we were supposed to leave the country together. But the place was surrounded by the police, militars, special forces' teams on every door. I couldn't justㅡ" Yohan stops and sighs. "Inguk had to get me out, change the plans and take me out of the country alone. I had no way to contact you, in case I was being tracked. Inguk had me on strict surveillance day and night."
"Where were you? All this time?" Gaon asks, calmer now, he's not looking at Yohan anymore, conflictive emotions swirling in his chest.
"Switzerland." Yohan mumbles.
"Switzerland?" Gaon frowns. "Did Elijah… did she know?"
Yohan doesn't respond right away, so Gaon forces himself to look up. His heart sizes.
"Don't blame her. I forced her not to tell you anything. I couldn't have you trying to look for me with how things were. I wanted the fire to die down a little before I came back, but then she called me and told me you were… pregnant."
It makes sense now, that night Gaon heard Elijah angrily speaking to someone on the phone. Gaon huffs out a small laugh, he was not only cheated on by his mate, but also by the only other person he entrusted his heart to.
"I really hate you right now." Gaon grunts. Yohan is looking more vulnerable than ever, standing there by the foot of the bed, arms tightly crossed against his chest. "I should ask you to leave and never show your face to me again."
"Gaonㅡ" Yohan's tone is pleading, but Gaon won't have it.
"But I can't. Because I missed you so fucking much and you don't know the relief I'm feeling right now. Just how much I wished to have you next to me during the last eight months. We have a son now!" Gaon clicks his tongue.
"I know. I saw him." A small smile forms on Yohan's face.
"You… did?" Gaon blinks.
"Through the glass, no one is allowed in there, aside from the nurses. Oh Jinjoo took me there." The smile on Yohan's lips doesn't falter, he keeps smiling even as he falls silent for a moment. "He's so small…"
"It's unfair. That you got to see him before me when you were not even there whenㅡ"
Gaon cuts himself off when Yohan rushes to his side and falls on his knees.
"I'm sorry. Please, forgive me." Yohan mutters, hanging his head, hands flat over the surface of the bed. "Gaon, love, Iㅡ I am so sorry. When Elijah called me, I wanted to come back right away, but they were still looking for me, Iㅡ"
"I know. I saw the news every night…"
"I didn't want you to go through any more pain; to be back and be taken away again. All I had to do was wait a little longer." Yohan reaches for his hand and this time, Gaon lets him. "When I found out about our baby I freaked out, I couldn't believe it. My mark was throbbing and it hurt so bad, I could feel your pain and your distress. It was torture."
"I spent nights wondering what that sensation was, you know?" Gaon mumbles, turning his hand around to intertwine their fingers. "The mark was not supposed to… be reactive, if you were dead. I pinned it to my own pain. I thought I was doing it to myself."
"I'm so sorry, love. I really am and I will understand if you want me away for nowㅡ"
"No." Gaon cuts him off, scowling. "Why would I want you away?"
"I thought you would want space to process this andㅡ"
"You were gone for eight months." Gaon is determined to not let Yohan speak his nonsense. "We just had a child. I need you around, Kang Yohan."
"Okay." Yohan nods, sniffling, eyes filling up with tears. "Okay." He brings Gaon's hand up to his lips and kisses his knuckles. "I love you."
Gaon allows himself to smile, even if it's small and a little shaky, but Yohan is there, holding his hand, kissing it and murmuring apology after apology, so really, Gaon has no other option but to forgive him, even if he's not ready to voice that out loud yet. He might want to make Yohan suffer for a while longer.
Gaon is allowed into the nursery just a week later, after he's given the green light to walk on his own. He still can't touch his baby, but being this close, with just the see-through display of the incubator it's a lot better than having to stand on the other side of the room. Yohan is with him at all times, helping him move around the hospital to exercise his legs, helping him in and out of the bed and standing outside the nursery whenever they visit.
The nurses and doctors quickly get used to the silent presence of the alpha that never removes his mask nor uncovers his eyes. He looms over Gaon protectively, alert, observing and when anyone asks about the man outside on the hall of the neonatal wing, watching intently at the baby Gaon visits every day, he simply says a close friend; no one suspects anything and if they do, they don't comment on it.
Jinjoo and Elijah visit every day too, bringing food and clothes for him and Yohan to shower and change in the bathroom of the private room he had been transferred to after refusing to leave the hospital when he was discharged. Gaon was not going anywhere without his baby and Yohan had supported his decision.
They hear whispers on the hallways, nurses and staff talking among themselves about Gaon being the omega involved with Kang Yohan and wondering if that baby was actually the offspring of Korea's biggest public figure, of the man that took the country by a storm and changed everything the way they knew it. He would hear hate words, praises, pity, condescending words disguised as good wishes. It was emotionally tiring and at night, while Yohan held him in his arms, Gaon understood why Yohan had done what he did.
He couldn't blame him anymore, couldn't hold a grudge when all Yohan did was act upon Gaon's well-being and unknowingly, their baby's as well.
Gaon sighs, turning to his side and curling around himself. At least this bed is more comfortable than the one he used to be in. Just a few more days and they will be able to take their son home.
He watches Yohan step out of the bathroom, already in his sleeping wear and using a small towel to dry his hair.
"Is it weird to start feeling comfortable in a hospital room?" Yohan asks, tossing the towel into a hamper of worn clothes.
"You can go home, you know? I'm fine here."
"Not a chance." Yohan answers fast and makes sure the door of the room is locked before climbing into bed next to Gaon. "We'll go home together. The three of us." He says, letting Gaon snuggle under his arm.
Gaon hums, pressing his face into Yohan's warmth.
"We haven't decided on a name." Gaon says after a moment of silence.
"What do you have in mind?" Yohan's fingers thread through Gaon's locks, softly and slowly.
"I like Jaesung."
"Kim Jaesung. Sounds nice." Yohan nods, pulling Gaon closer. "I like it."
"No. I want him to be a Kang."
"Gaon-ah…" Yohan sighs. "Being a Kang is… I don't want our child to carry with the weight of that cursed surname."
Gaon shakes his head at that, incorporating himself into a sitting position.
"That is exactly why I think he should have it. For redemption, to clean the past. So you can be the father yours never was." Gaon looks at him, a hand moving up to cup Yohan's cheek.
"You think I'm going to be a good father?"
"Of course I do. You are nothing like him, you need to know that." Yohan nods, a bit jerkily and unsure, but allows Gaon to pull him in for a kiss, sweet and slow at first and as Gaon inches closer and closer, his hunger grows and soon, he's hovering over Yohan, pinning him to the bed as he straddles his alpha's lap.
"We're in a hospital." Yohan breathes out, hands traveling to Gaon's hips to clutch at the remaining plushness there.
"I know." Gaon pants, then swallows. "I still feel a bit sore, anyway." His mouth curls into a grin and Gaon brings his hand up to swipe with his thumb at a stain of saliva on Yohan's lower lip.
"It's fine. It can wait." Yohan mumbles, bringing Gaon closer to him, until he's fully lying over his body, head resting on Yohan's shoulder. Yohan kisses the top of his head and sighs as he starts rubbing his hands up and down Gaon's back, lulling him into a peaceful, deep sleep.
Now that they're together again, nothing can keep them apart.
*
The first time Gaon gets to hold his baby in his arms, he feels like floating. Like suddenly, everything that was once wrong in his life, has no meaning anymore. Like the world is finally spinning again, tilting into the right axis. Like nothing else could ever hurt again.
The connection is strong, an inexplicable bond that blooms in his chest the moment Jaesung wraps his tiny little hand around his thumb and squeezes with extraordinary strength, for a baby that is.
The first time Gaon gets to hold his baby in his arms, he learns the purest form of love and he knows that he would do anything in his power to protect this baby. No matter what, no matter how.
Yohan cries, of course, even though he won't admit it. Gaon smiles fondly, watching him carry their son in his arms, rocking him while murmuring words of love and devotion.
And when Gaon is sure no one is watching, he pulls Yohan's mask down and kisses him on the lips, whispering a small thank you.
He can't wait to go home, with his son, his mate and Elijah; start the family he always wished to have.