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Gaon hears a huff from behind him, where he's sitting on the now carpeted floor of the nursery room, legs crossed while folding tiny items of clothing.
A small grin curls up on his lips and he feels the sudden urge to press the mint green with pale yellow suns print onesie to his nose. He takes a deep inhale, letting his baby's scent fill his senses: the earthy smell of strawberries' fields mixed with a touch of honey making him a bit dizzy for a second.
"I would have never imagined," Yohan is saying now, catching Gaon's attention as he comes to sit down on the rocking chair in front him, their two month old baby peacefully sleeping in his arms, "someone this tiny could smell that bad." Yohan scrunches up his nose in disgust, looking down at their son.
Gaon chokes on a laugh, having to press a hand to his mouth to stop himself from guffawing. He watches as Yohan's expression changes to a softer one though, eyes still fixed on the baby and smoothing his free hand down the blanket around him.
Gaon feels his chest filling up to the point of almost exploding with warmth and adoration. Just a few months ago, he was sitting in this same room, mourning the death of his mate and struggling to find a way to raise a child on his own.
"Didn't you use to take care of Elijah?" Gaon quirks an eyebrow, resuming his folding. Yohan has started to rock the chair slowly.
Jaesung's little fist is now curled around his dad's thumb.
"Never changed her diaper, though." Yohan shrugs slightly. He's still staring at their son intently, as if trying to memorize every aspect of his face. "You know that by the time I was left alone with her, she was already six; about to turn seven."
Yeah, Gaon remembers that very clearly. He stays silent for a moment, searching in Yohan's face for any hint of discomfort or pain for having to bring up that particular topic. He relaxes when he can't find any of the sort, the subtle smile on his lips indicating all the opposite.
"You're a quick learner." Gaon grins, folding the last pair of teeny tiny socks.
He remains there, just observing his mate humming to their baby while the chair rocks to the same rhythm. It's a mesmerizing sight Gaon thought he would never get to see.
Gaon gets on his knees then, stretching his body enough to reach out for Yohan, pulling him down to the side in order to not squeeze Jaesung and into a sweet, chaste kiss.
"I'll get started on dinner." Gaon whispers. "Come down when you're ready and don't forget the baby monitor." He adds, poking at Yohan's shoulder for all the times he has done so.
Yohan just chuckles, kissing his mate again before Gaon fully stands and heads out of the bedroom.
"Daddy's such a nagger, isn't he?" Yohan mumbles to his sleeping baby once the door has clicked shut behind Gaon. "But I love him. And I love you." He continues, stroking the incredibly soft patch of skin on the back of his hand. "I guess I never really said sorry to you, did I? I never meant to put you through so much pain. I can only imagineㅡ" Yohan chokes on his own words, a sob threatening to spill out of his mouth. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, there's no use in crying now. "I just hope you won't resent me in the future."
Jaesung makes a little noise at the back of his throat and squirms in Yohan's arms. Yohan's stiffens, holding the air in and waiting for the inevitable bawling upon being woken up, but Jaesung just pops his mouth open, his tongue pushing lightly against his lower lip before falling calm and quiet again. Yohan's sighs in relief, standing up to put him down in his crib, not willing to risk a tantrum.
"Okay. Okay. I'll shut up now." Yohan speaks very lowly, making sure the blankets are comfortably wrapped around him. "Good night, baby." He says, even when he knows he'll be waking up again in around four hours, crying and hungry.
Yohan tiptoes his way out of the nursery room and heads downstairs where Gaon is standing by the sink, seemingly just pulling his phone out of his ear and placing it down on the counter.
"Elijah just called." Gaon tells him, fondness clear in his eyes.
"Isn't like," Yohan frowns at his wristwatch, "3 in the morning in Switzerland?" He lifts an eyebrow.
Yohan had been reluctant on letting her go back, but after a lot of coaxing and maybe a trick pulled here and there from Gaon, he had finally allowed to enrolled in this very expensive, very exclusive university in Zurich.
"She's taking a break from studying." Gaon shrugs.
"Is she doing okay?" Yohan asks, sitting down with a sigh and placing the baby monitor on the table with a muffled thud; not being able to have a phone for himself just for precautions is certainly a hassle.
"She is." Gaon nods. "Says she misses us and will video call soon. She wants to see how much Jaesung has grown."
"It's been a month and a half." Yohan rolls his eyes.
"Babies grow at an alarming pace, don't get too distracted." Gaon points out, turning back to pouring soup into bowls.
"I don'tㅡ" Yohan falls suddenly quiet. When Gaon looks back at him, he's staring intently at the small screen on the baby monitor that shows a peacefully sleeping Jaesung.
"Yohan?" A little worried, Gaon forgets about the food and walks up to his mate.
"What if he grows to hate me for what I did?" He asks quietly.
"We'll explain it to him once he's old enough to understand."
"What if he grows up resenting me for not being able to live a normal life because he has a delinquent father?"
"You are not a delinquent and Jaesungie will love you no matter what." Gaon says, placing his hands on Yohan's shoulders and squeezing reassuringly. "I'm sure he will understand your reasons."
"I'm scared." Yohan breathes out.
"I'm scared too." Gaon sits down on the chair next to him. "I'm scared because I don't know how people are going to react when they find out he's your son. And no," Gaon intercepts as Yohan opens his mouth to speak, "I am not blaming you or accusing you. But it's the reality and a possibility."
"I'm sorry." Yohan sighs.
"Don't be." Gaon smiles, threads a hand through Yohan's hair and pulls him in for a quick kiss. "My leave ends in a week. We can figure something out then."
"Do you really want to go back there?" Yohan glances at him, then at the baby monitor where Jaesung stirs.
"No, I don't think it's worth any more of my time." Gaon clicks his tongue bitterly. "Especially now that I have someone more important to care for. But I need to help Jinjoo clean up the mess, at least a little. She's been doing it on her own and I already feel bad."
Jinjoo decided to leave the house, once Yohan settled in again, not wanting to interrupt their family time and despite Yohan's and Gaon's insistence for her to stay. She had not let go of her lease, claiming a gut feeling after Yohan had been proclaimed dead.
"I'm sorrㅡ"
"Kang Yohan, you better stop apologizing. You did what you had to do. You helped not only me, but this whole ungrateful country." Gaon spits out, still angry about Yohan's post-mortem accusations. Sensationalist press down-playing Yohan's actions, hypocritically using the moral card and dirtying his name at their convenience.
"It's not your responsibility to clean up my mess. I can have someone else do it right nowㅡ"
Yohan cuts himself off when Gaon smiles sweetly, placing a hand on his cheek.
"You're my mate. It kind of is. If anything, just to dust off your reputation a little."
"I don't care about that."
"Yes you do. When you worry about Jaesungie's future, it shows you do. So let me fix what I can." Gaon insists, thumb stroking over a protruding cheekbone.
Gaon lets out a small sigh when Yohan's gaze drops. He worries, too, not only about Yohan's safety, but also about his health. He's been looking too skinny ever since he came back, eating small portions and sometimes even dismissing full bowls of rice in favor of side dishes only. Gaon supposes it has a lot to do with all the stress and pressure Yohan is being subdued to. Not being able to leave the house, having to hide and under the constant reminder of all the damage he caused to the country, still seeing his face almost every day on the news among lies and more lies.
Gaon can't help but feel bad. Yohan came back for him and their son, regardless of the consequences he could have faced in the process.
Before he can start crying again, Gaon stands up, too quickly the chair almost falls back. Yohan looks at him with wide eyes, not expecting such a reaction so suddenly.
"Let's eat." Gaon says before Yohan can comment on it and he moves to the stove again, finishing with plating up the food.
"Are you okay?" Yohan asks once Gaon is back to sitting next to him.
"Yeah." Gaon nods, glancing at him and smiling while mixing some rice with kimchi. "Eat." He adds, putting some meat on Yohan's bowl.
Yohan remains quiet, eating everything Gaon puts on his plate slowly, barely chewing a few times before swallowing.
"Gaon-ah… we're going to be okay." Yohan says half through their meal, reaching for his hand to grasp it on his own. Yohan squeezes softly.
The piece of meat on Gaon's chopsticks falls onto his rice. "I know." He says a second too late, enough to have Yohan worrying all over again. Gaon smiles though, turning the hand on Yohan's hold around so he can intertwine their fingers. "I know." He repeats, more confident this time. "Eat more."
"Well, it's delicious, but I'm not really that hungryㅡ" Yohan must've seen something on his face, stopping himself from finishing that sentence and bringing their joint hands up, kissing Gaon's knuckles to proceed with his food.
Later that night, Gaon climbs onto their bed, snuggling next to a sitting Yohan, throwing an arm around his waist and nuzzling against his hip. Yohan chuckles, putting his book down to softly scratch at the top of Gaon's head.
"Jaesungie might wake up soon." Gaon says, voice muffled still against Yohan.
"Get some sleep. I'll take care of it when he does." Yohan keeps running his fingers through Gaon's hair, looking down at him and smiling at the way he rubs his face all over his hip, like a lazy cat seeking attention.
"Y'sure?" Gaon asks, but his voice sounds already slurred, words drag out slowly.
Yohan hums, picking up his book with one hand while the other threads through Gaon's soft locks of hair.
Soon, Gaon is snoring, body heaving up and down lightly. Warmth creeps in Yohan's chest as he stares at his sleeping mate, face relaxed, free of the worries that haunt him during the day. Yohan feels like he can breathe a little better at night too, when the world is asleep and they don't have to worry about what could happen until the next morning and it's all about starting all over again.
It isn't until around eleven that Jaesung's loud cries are heard through the baby monitor resting on Yohan's bedside table. Gaon jerks up asleep, automatically sitting up and ready to bolt to the nursery room.
Yohan stops him on time, softly pushing him back down onto the mattress. "I'll get it. Go back to sleep." He says, kisses Gaon's forehead and leaves the room.
But Gaon can't go back to sleep now that he has been woken up. With a sigh, he stretches over Yohan's side and grabs the baby monitor; he only has to endure a couple of minutes more of his baby crying before he sees Yohan through the screen rushing inside, baby bottle in hand.
Gaon watches him pick their son up from his crib and sit on the rocking chair to feed him. Gaon's lips twist in a little smile, unconsciously, that chair has become Yohan's favorite spot in the nursery.
Jaesung eagerly sucks on his milk and not once, Yohan's eyes stray from their baby's face. It's so precious, how he always looks so enamoured, as if Kang Jaesung himself has hung the moon and the stars up on the night sky. Maybe he has, Gaon thinks, maybe their son has become the brightest little star in Yohan's life as much as he has in Gaon's.
Gaon swipes on the screen of the baby monitor to change the angles of the cameras and get a better view of Yohan's smileㅡ as expensive as it was, this kit of baby monitors and security cameras especially designed for nursery rooms has been one of his best investments and Gaon wouldn't call himself paranoid, but with the history they have and all the unwanted people who had entered this house as easily as they did in the past, he's not willing to risk it.
It's thirty minutes later that Yohan is finally putting Jaesung back in his crib after finishing the bottle, burping him and making sure he won't need a diaper change yet ㅡhe'll wake up later for that too, that's for sureㅡ, when he comes back to their room. The lights are still out and Gaon places the device back on the nightstand.
In the darkness, Yohan manages to get back in bed, sensing Gaon is still awake and promptly pulling him against his body, chest to back. Gaon lets out a contented sigh and snuggles closer, closing his eyes with the intention of this time, really falling asleep again; but it's only a few minutes of silence later that Yohan speaks.
"Are you awake?" He asks, lips brushing the back of Gaon's neck, his warm breath sending shivers down his spine. Gaon hums affirmatively. "I…" His voice trails off, causing Gaon to worry. He rolls onto the other side to face him.
"What is it?" Gaon whispers, his hand sliding inside Yohan's sleeping shirt, clutching at the subtle roll of skin at his hips; for self-comfort or to reassure Yohan, Gaon is not entirely sure, but he hopes Yohan knows he's there and whatever it is, he'll listen.
"Have you ever thought about… leaving?" Yohan's voice is barely a whisper. "This country, I mean."
Gaon stays silent for a minute. "Yes." He responds. "Before Jaesungie was born, I… I considered it at some point. I thought I could follow Elijah to Switzerland, make a home for the three of us there."
"What made you change your mind?" Yohan's hand moves to the back of Gaon's neck.
"I just felt that… if I left, I would be leaving you behind as well. I couldn'tㅡ I just couldn't." Gaon closes his eyes, leaning jis forehead against Yohan's.
"We can still do it. Start anew, give Jaesung a proper home. So he can go to school, enjoy his childhood without the shadow of my actionsㅡ" Yohan is starting to rush the words, almost desperately; he's clutching at Gaon's neck tightly, digging his fingers into the soft, sensitive flesh.
Gaon winces a little and manages to pry away his mate's hand, pulling it close to his lips to kiss it repeatedly in an attempt to calm him down.
Leaving Korea it's something that had crossed Gaon's head several times ever since he found out he was pregnant, with nothing but his baby's safety in mind. Still, something inside him had stopped him from fully committing to it. Despite not having anything nor anyone tying him up to this country anymore, he couldn't bring himself to actually do it.
It's different now, he has everything he loves with him and it is a big decision, an even bigger change in everyone's lives, but this time, he's ready to take the leap.
"You can leave with Jaesungㅡ"
"What? No." Yohan cuts him off.
"Hear me out." Gaon squeezes his hip. "Give me two months to settle some business here, then I'll pass everything to Jinjoo. In a month, you can leave with Jaesungie, have Lawyer Ko arrange everything; this way we won't be raising any suspicions."
"Are you sure about this?"
"Yes." Gaon replies, no hesitations.
"Okay." Yohan nods.
"Okay." Gaon repeats in a whisper, leaning closer to kiss him on the lips.
They're going to be okay.