Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

She wants to cry, scream, anything to get the knot out of her throat. 

What would her mother think of her? 

She’s a disappointment. 

Disgusting. 

A disgrace. 

Ming walked back and fourth in her room with tears streaming down her face, wiping them every now and then. 

What would her sisters say? 

She’s the youngest of them, the first one to be expecting. Still in high school. 

What would Jin say? 

She knows she has to tell him first before anyone else, he’s the father, he should know. Or not. Maybe she could keep it a secret, but for how long? Maybe she could end herself right now, kill the unborn child and then herself. She regrets everything, it was her fault, getting too close to Jin, not containing herself. She’s the one who practically begged him to- 

Her face heats up at the thought of that night. Remembering every second of it. 

She slaps herself, now isn’t the time to remember that moment. 

Ming flops onto her bed staring at the framed picture of her father and a younger Ming. She wants to turn back time, when things were simple, being a mindless child. Times when she didn’t have to impress her mother every day. When she didn’t have to be perfect. Before he left. 

But God, her parents fought every night. Ming remembers sneaking into Ping’s room and crying to her, she remembers how both of her sisters comforted her while their parents fought for hours.

She remembers the night her father left, she didn’t go to Ping’s room but stayed in her own room and talked with him. 

She asked him why he still loved her mom even after all the terrible, unforgiving things she did to him. Ming remembers crying. She wanted a father to be there for her, a dad to talk to her every now and then whenever things got too difficult, a dad to do things that her mother wouldn’t. A dad who was affectionate and supportive. The worst part was he left at the most crucial time of her life. 

Ming reached out for the framed photo. 

“Dad, I’m sorry.” 

What would he say? 

His little girl getting pregnant for a boy who her mother didn’t approve of. She would be disowned by her mother. It would bring dishonor to their name. 

She hugs the photo remembering his final words.

- 

Ming sat on the floor at the foot of her bed, eyes red and puffy from her crying, swollen from grief. Sitting alone in a bigger room than she remembered, gloomy, heartbroken. 

The room was silent, enough to hear the ringing in her ears and her father’s words on repeat. 

“Whatever you do from here on out know I’ll love you, always.”

Feeling so much sorrow at such a young age felt even worse. No 15 year old should ever go through this. 

At the time she thought he’d be back a day after or the next morning. 

Ming tried not to blame her mother, she didn’t want to slip into that. Ming wanted to keep up with her mother’s standards, to keep that special place in her mother’s heart, to remain her mother’s favorite. She remembers the time her mother told her to never become like her sisters when they went into their panda forms. To keep herself from going out of control. 

The day she transformed was when the anger took over, all the pent up anger and sorrow blossomed, she understood the feeling her sisters had described. The burning sensation, mixed with frustration and rage. She began rebelling her mother, at the time it almost felt right, as if it were for her father. She ended up taking it too far, injuring her mother. 

Ming remembers the blood, so much of it. The horrific scene, her mom placed a hand over her bloodied face, wearing an expression that Ming can still see to this day. 

Immediately her anger was replaced with guilt. 

She ran from the temple, she didn’t know where exactly but anywhere would’ve been just fine. She’d do anything to get her mother's horrified expression out of her mind. 

No matter how far she ran Jin went after her. Until he found her sitting on a bench in the rain, red hair completely soaked, broken glasses and tears hidden in the rain. The sight of Ming in this state broke him, he never wanted to see her in this condition. He sat next to her and embraced Ming for what felt like hours. He rubbed her back as she cried into his shoulders. He didn’t care if he got wet from the pouring rain Jin wanted to comfort her. After she stopped Ming was the one to kiss him first, something Jin didn’t expect but went along anyway. 

“I love you.” 

It was a phrase Ming wanted to say for the longest time.

“I love you too.” 

She laughed a little and held his hand tightly. 

-

Ming pulled the strings on her hoodie to bury herself into her pullover. 

She wanted to disappear. 

-

It was supposed to be a night for studying. 

But one thing led to another and the next thing she knew she was losing her innocence. She remembers trying to silence herself and Jin asked if she was hurt. He said he didn’t want to force himself onto her. Ming wanted it, she wanted him, but her tears said the opposite, she felt as if she’d been stabbed with a knife.  

Once they were finished she looked at him with teary eyes.

”Do you love me?”

Jin still thinks the question is ridiculous but he responds followed by a kiss on her lips. 

“I’ll always love you.” 

-

It was until she got home she realized Jin left his marks all around her neck. Flustered and also nervous she covered her neck with a red scarf and wore a hoodie and kept the strings tied at all times. 

Ming couldn’t think of a way to tell Jin about it or where. School? For some reason telling him she was pregnant with his child at school didn’t feel right at all, maybe a park or something? 

She decided to leave that question for tomorrow and finally gets some rest.

-

She got dressed in her usual uniform for school, everything had to go smoothly today. It was a breeze to get pass Ping and Chen asking why she wore a scarf in the middle of summer but her mother was the real challenge. 

“You’re going out like that?” 

Ming froze in her tracks at the sound of her mother’s voice. “Don’t fuck this up!” 

“Mmhm, why is there something wrong?” 

Her mother looked her up and down, finally noticing the flaw her mother’s hand reached out to touch the scarf around Ming’s neck. 

Ming’s heart raced and beads of sweat formed on her forehead, her mother’s fingers were thin layers from touching the hickeys scattered along her neck. “A scarf, today?” 

“Don’t be obvious!” 

“Mhm.” Ming nodded slightly, her eyes wondered to the floor, since that day she hasn’t been able to make direct eye contact with her mother. That scar. Even not being able to look at her mother Ming could feel her heavy gaze falling onto herself, she knows. 

Of course she knows, what mother wouldn’t know after their teenage daughter covered up their neck when it was mid summer. 

Just when her mother was going to pull the scarf to reveal Ming’s marks Ping and Chen bursted through the front door. 

“Hurry we’ll be late!” 

Ming snapped back into reality and gently pulled the scarf from her mother’s hand, and kissed her cheek before leaving for school. 

For once in her life she thanked her sisters for saving her life, though they didn’t quite understand the situation. A good thing? 

On the way to school she thought about telling one of her sisters. Maybe they would be supportive? Understanding? “Hey I want to tell you something, don’t kill me.” 

“What is it?” 

She thought, was it the right thing to tell her? How would she react? Would she get upset? Or worse. Tell their mother? 

“I-um it’s about…..Jin.”

Ending her sentence with a little questioning tone. Ming touched her scarf and looked at her sister. 

“It’s pretty damn obvious.” 

That left her speechless, but it didn’t sound like they knew she was pregnant only knowing that she was crushing on Jin. 

“Is it really?” Ming lowered her head to look at her stomach, it wasn’t big yet but she knew she had to tell them straight forward because they’d find out one way or another. And maybe they could help her cover it up from their mother. 

“If I came any sooner you would be dead.” 

Ming looked up at her sister then her stomach, “yeah.” 

-

The end of school came around and Ming ran quickly towards the outskirts of the town, to a cliff side. 

It was true she would be dead, her mother would literally kill her. Or kick her out at least but what was she going to do, raise a child on the streets? Dying was the best way. 

Ming threw her backpack on the ground beside her and walked up to the edge. She wondered what kind of mother she could’ve been. She didn’t have the courage to go up to Jin and tell him. She took long deep breaths and closed her eyes. Would her mother care? Would her sisters cry? What about Jin? Would he blame himself? 

Jin the only light in her life. She wanted to hug him so bad right now, to cry and just tell him already. They were only 17 but would they have made good parents? She tears up at the thought. 

Would they have made good parents? 

Chapter Text

She felt like a coward. 

All she has to do is fall. But many moments pass and she can't get herself to walk and closer to the edge. There were only two ways to leave this cliff side, one she could jump from this height and end it all, or two walk home (which she'll probably be back by sun down) and undoubtedly get scolded by mother. Once again she finds herself drawn towards the cliff, towards the end of all her misery. But she doesn't, she can't move forward. 

There's her sisters, mother, and Jin of course. Her sisters, whom she looked up to for nearly everything it broke her to even imagine their reactions. Her mother would most likely act as she did when their father left, locked up in her room, not eating or talking for weeks on end. She stopped at Jin, practically sobbing at this point, she couldn't do this to them. 

So she wasn't going through with it, for her family and him. She's staying alive for them, then she's not a coward. If she keeps telling herself that, it'll be true. 

Maybe she could do neither. She'll simply just stay up here and never have to interact with anyone again, she wouldn't have to go through her mother's everyday suspicion. It's tempting. 

But it's cold and windy and horribly lonely, for a second she wonders how her and Jin used to enjoy coming up here, then she realizes she's alone. 

Fuck this. 

Ming grabs her backpack off the ground and wraps her scarf around her neck once again, she was going to walk home and forget about this. It was the type of energy she usually got during midnight, a sudden boost of confidence, she just prayed that it wasn't that late. The sun had set for what felt like minutes ago. It wasn't pitch black, with the street lights she could manage to make it home without getting lost. 

-

Ming distracted her mind off of her mother's wrath by humming songs stuck in the back of her head and kicking rocks along the concrete sidewalks. 

Moments go by and it gets colder, she realizes she hadn't thought of a good lie to tell her mother. What would it be this time? Tutoring? Group studies? Extra classes? 

She can't help but remember when she would make up these lies to her mother to go out with Jin. Especially the time she snuck out to see him, the beginning of something problematic. Exactly three weeks ago. Again the realization hits, not once did she bring up the baby. The adrenaline kicks in. 

Now it's the only thing surfacing her mind. 

The baby. When her stomach gets bigger how would she conceal it? How would she take care of it? Would her mother accept them? Worse, would she suffer a miscarriage? 

Ming calms her breathing and comes to a stop. There was so much wrong with this. So much, too many to list. Even though that spot in her mother's heart (that was once her's) wasn't there anymore, she would shatter the whole thing. Should she run back? She was less than three blocks away from her house, almost home. Was it too late to turn around? Then her heart skipped a beat. 

An almost familiar silhouette coming closer into the light from a light post. His attire, his voice, those glasses. Ming's eyes widened, she almost forgot how to breathe when he spoke. 

"Where were you?" 

She can't answer, still frozen in her tracks. Randomly she asks herself what time it is. He comes closer and Ming has the urge to take a few steps backwards but can't get herself to. 

A slow turn around turns into a full on sprint as if her life depended on it. 

She doesn't care to look back, as she wonders if she's making a mistake. Her heart sinks when she hears his foot tracks following her. It seems wrong, damn it, everything is fucked because of her. She knew she was done for when he grabbed her wrist and pulled her back. Something he never did. She knew from the beginning he would catch up with her, he always won whenever they raced down the sidewalks.

"Ming tell me please what's wrong?" 

She hated how simply his voice made her feel something flutter in her stomach. She didn't turn around to look at him, it would hurt too much, but god she loved his boy way too much. 

Should she pretend to hate him? Should she tell him? 

She turned around and saw Jin. It definitely wasn't the time to admire how he looked. Sweaty with some strands of hair sticking to his forehead and the way his grasp on her wrist was firm yet gentle. She probably looked ridiculous, red faced with teary eyes. But to him she was the opposite. 

"I didn't see you at school today." 

Jin stood up and let go of her hand. 

"Did you come?" 

Ming regained her composure and straightened the scarf around her neck. She looked at anything else that wasn't him and answered. "Yeah." Her eyes wandered to a tree, the same tree they kissed under for the first time. It was the feminine urge to question why he was walking out so late. 

"Are you okay?" Jin paused and took her hand in his taking a couple steps closer to her, until he was close enough to look down at her. 

She never had a hard time looking into his eyes, but this was a struggle. "No." 

"What is it?" 

She tried to think of her response, one that didn't bring up the moment they created the baby. She decided to look up at him, worry filled those eyes. It came out like should've, but Ming felt as if she made a mistake. "I'm pregnant." 

His eyes softened, and a part of him wanted to smile but he felt that would upset her. 

"H.How are you so relaxed?!" 

Jin followed her to sit under the tree on a bench. "It's not that-" 

"Why don't you try carrying a watermelon!" She buried her face into hands and cried, she felt some relaxation when his hand rubbed her back. 

"Were going to have a baby?" 

Ming sniffled and rubbed her eyes. "If my mom doesn't kill us." She looked up at him again taking his hand in her's. "Are you going to leave me?" The answer again was obvious but she wanted to hear him say it. "No." 

He held her for a long time, running his fingers through her black hair and wiping her tears away. 

"I shouldn't have happened."