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Adrien couldn’t stop thinking about it even as he took the stairs up to the manor.
Nino always told him that his life was the prime example of the "something for something" rule. 'You have a road paved with success, dude! If only your father wasn't a jackass.' Or 'the whole school would love to be your best friend, bro. Pity that your father is a sociopath.' Or even 'you like everyone for just being decent, man. Why can't your father show just a quarter of that love towards you?'
Nino was right, but not entirely right. It seemed that Adrien didn't draw the line at 'decent' people. He cared even when someone didn't know remorse.
He couldn't tell why he showed concern. Mayura was evil, and she never hinted that she wanted to be more than that. But there was something in her that filled him with cold familiarity. He didn't even know those two feelings could coexist until he had come face to face with her.
But then she disappeared as fast as she appeared and not even Ladybug could guess why. They assumed that she fell ill—she did look tired during their last two encounters, but that was months ago.
Maybe she argued with Hawkmoth after the Guardian slipped from their clutches. Maybe she had enough of losing all the time.
Maybe the brutality of the events in front of the Trocadéro during Miracle Queen's attack was finally too much for her.
Maybe she had enough and Hawkmoth took her Miraculous.
He was thinking so much about Mayura’s disappearance and Shadowmoth’s ascent that after some time, he created a whole little world in his mind. And he was so stupid for indulging in any of it!
Ladybug believed that the akuma-looking sentimonster must have been spying on her. And if that thing existed since Shadowmoth’s appearance, then Hawkmoth used the Peacock Miraculous because Mayura's powers had already fuelled another monster. So, she never left; she was only watching them from the shadows.
But this wasn’t the time to think about it. He had to show his best to Nathalie and assure her (and his father through her) that he was unharmed. He raised a fist to the door.
He hardly registered that Nathalie tucked the book she was reading under her blanket. He made for the end of the bed, let gravity take over and fell head-first on the mattress.
"Is everything alright?" Nathalie asked.
So much for "showing his best." He forgot that "casual" usually sounded off Nathalie's alarms.
"Of course," he said into the crumpled blanket. Ooops! There was no way she could have heard that.
"I'll take that as a no," Nathalie replied, somewhere between a question and a statement.
He rolled onto his side and huddled up, facing Nathalie. She examined him with her usual stone-like expression. Most people would tremble if Nathalie stared at them like that, but he knew that look; she was concerned, but nothing in the world would make her say it out loud.
He wanted to tell her that Mayura happened. But he never talked with Nathalie about Paris' villains before. There are things you didn’t want to mention to the people you knew from times when everything was easier. It felt like talking to Nathalie about them would corrupt all his childhood memories with her.
But he knew it was silly. He had to talk to someone about it. And he already failed to communicate that everything was alright, anyway. And the way she was glaring at him sent a message about how she won’t let him off the hook until he talked.
"Do you think that Mayura had to give up something to get something?"
That question visibly caught Nathalie off-guard. It was that rare twitch of her eyebrows that gave it away.
"What brought this up?"
"I overheard Ladybug and Chat Noir talking. There were two sentimonsters at Tour Montparnasse today. And you know, it's been a while since anyone saw Mayura. I thought she retired."
He swallowed. He did not want Nathalie to think that he sympathised with a supervillain. Did it sound like he did?
He slid off the bed and crawled around the side of it to get closer to her. Not that he was afraid that anyone would listen in.
"Sooo," he continued. "I can't decide if she's worse or Hawkmoth, and believe me, I tried. But her absence made me think, and I think that no matter what she did, she's only human. And maybe she had to make decisions that got her where she is and had to give up something else in return. Do you think that's the case?"
"Of course."
"How do you know?"
"Because everybody has to. That's part of life. Just because she's evil doesn't mean that she's an exception."
He caught himself slightly nodding.
"Some days I'm afraid of myself. I hate them. How can I not? But I can't stop thinking about their motives."
He leaned on the side of her bed and rested his chin on the back of his hands. It had been a request for confidence between Maman and him after Maman became too ill to visit him in his room. He realised that he did it only when Nathalie's featherlight touch on his forehead startled him. She tucked one of the many stray locks that never cooperated with his hairbrush behind his ear.
"You shouldn't think this much about supervillains," she sighed.
Here we go!
Despite her audible annoyance, there was a sad chime to her voice. He searched Nathalie's face, looking for any trace of real gloom. But she was as unreadable as ever.
“I’m so grateful that I can always count on you,” he said.
She hummed and absent-mindedly combed through his hair with her fingers.
It was odd, but he noticed Nathalie's wrinkles only now. They were indefinable on her forehead and somewhat deeper between her eyebrows, but they were there. That's where she carried her problems, Adrien imagined.
Nathalie said that everybody had to give up something for something, without exception. That meant her too, no matter how well she was hiding it. He wondered what it was. Maybe he should try thinking about that, and about how to make it easier for her.
She certainly deserved it more than anyone.