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Being in a secret relationship was one of the most exciting things to have ever happened in James’ life. His Gryffindor spirit thrived on the adrenaline, the sneaking around and heart skipping a beat when they heard a sound. James loved the stolen glances, the constant edge.
But there were times when it wasn’t so great. Sometimes James just wanted someone to hold hands in the corridor with. Someone to be the annoyingly clingy couple with. Sometimes he wanted to be able to talk about what an amazing boyfriend he had.
He wanted dates that weren’t in empty classrooms or the lawn after the sun had already gone down. He wanted affection that was more than exchanging smiles from across the Great Hall. He wanted someone he could introduce to his parents.
Not someone who he couldn’t even write to during the spring break.
But on the other hand, that made him miss Regulus even more. That made him practically sprint to the classroom they usually met up in on the first day back after all his roommates had gone to sleep.
Regulus was already waiting for him, standing by the window.
James released a breath of relief. “You’re here.”
Regulus smiled, somewhat sadly, the moonlight illuminating his face. “Hi.”
“You weren’t at the feast,” James said, walking up to him. “Pads was really worried. And, well, I was too, of course, but he doesn’t know that.”
Regulus still had that sad smile on. “My parents just kept me a bit longer. I took a later train.”
James frowned. “Is that even possible?”
“My family can do anything,” Regulus said.
“Right,” James murmured, nodding. Then he looked Regulus in the eye. “Everything alright?”
A soft blush spilt on Regulus’ cheeks. His gaze trailed down. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just regular Black family business, no need to worry.”
He didn’t seem fine though, James thought. He was standing in a way like he purposely wanted to make himself look small — his head lowered, Regulus practically hunched, and clutching his left sleeve, like he wanted to close himself off from every direction.
Still, despite all that, he looked so mesmerizing. The moonlight was spilling into the room from the window right behind him and it glistened on his dark curls and pearl-pale skin. He looked so gentle then, like a china doll. James found himself wanting to cradle him and keep him safe.
Regulus cleared his throat and lifted his chin slightly. “I do have to talk to you about something though.”
There it is.
Because this wasn’t really how you greeted your boyfriend after two weeks apart, was it? If everything was fine Regulus would’ve leapt into James’ arms, not stood ominously by a window.
“What’s wrong?” James asked softly, reaching out to touch. But Regulus instantly backed away, as if terrified, his back colliding with the wall.
A grimace flashed across his face, but he quickly shook it off. He swallowed, clearly struggling to keep his chin raised.
“I don’t—” he started. “I don’t think we should keep seeing each other.”
James froze. And then, he fell apart.
“Wha— What?” he choked out. “Reg, what are you talking about?”
Regulus swallowed. “I’m sorry. But it’s just not fair to you.”
“Not fair to me ?” James repeated. “You breaking up with me is what’s not fair to me!”
“No, James, this isn’t fair to you!” Regulus cried, opening his arms to wave them around as if it was the empty classroom that wasn’t fair to James. “All this sneaking around, you can’t be happy!”
“I am ,” James said sternly.
Regulus huffed. “Are you?”
“I— What?” James stammered. “Well, I— It might not be perfect but I’m happier than I would be without you, Reg!”
Regulus exhaled, closing his eyes for a moment. He looked like this was causing him great amounts of pain. He couldn’t even imagine what James felt like.
“You deserve more than the minimum, James,” Regulus said softly. “You’re never going to be truly happy with me.”
“Merlin, are you serious?” James groaned. “ I love you . So, of course, I am happy with you and I will be happy. It’s not perfect but nothing ever is. Being with you is the closest thing I’ve got.”
Sorrow twisted Regulus’ face. “Don’t— Don’t say that, stop— ”
“What?” James said, taking a step forward but not close enough to be in Regulus’ space. “That I love you? I do, Reg, you know that.”
Tears spilt from Regulus’ eyes. He gulped.
“We’ll never work,” he said.
James wondered if this was hell. Regulus didn’t even want to fight for them.
“What, just like that?” James spat. “You’re not even going to bother and find out? Why? ”
“I’m not like my brother!” Regulus cried. “I’m not gonna run away. After school, we’ll just— With the war—”
He choked on his words, his gaze dropping to the ground, tears trailing down his cheeks.
James clenched his jaw. “What did they do to you?”
Regulus shook his head, still not looking at him. “Nothing. Nothing, James, they didn’t—”
“Don’t lie to me!” James yelled and it came out angrier than he had meant it to.
Regulus flinched, his head shooting up, pure terror in his eyes.
James took a step back. “No, shit— I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—” He groaned. “What happened there, Reg? Why are you saying these things all of the sudden?”
Regulus swallowed. “Nothing— Nothing happened. Nothing other than me realizing that we don’t have a future, James.”
James felt a want to argue. To say that this wasn’t them Regulus was talking about but simply himself. Regulus didn’t believe he would have a future.
But James was afraid that saying it would make it true. He didn’t want that to be true.
A single tear trickled down his cheek. He shook his head.
“Fine,” he said. “If that’s what you want.”
And he turned around and left.
Regulus stared at the spot where James had stood for a moment until he was sure that he was gone. Then a sob escaped his mouth and he let his tears spill out of his eyes.
His hand flew to his left forearm, clutching the sleeve. He cried and cried as the skin under the fabric burned with pain.