Work Text:
Not everyone has someone close to them, someone they can call their best friend or soulmate, and not everyone has someone who is by their side through good times and bad. Not everyone is intelligent, intelligent enough to treasure that person, intelligent enough to keep them close for all time, and it's largely simply because they take it for granted.
-
Soobin met a younger boy when he was thirteen. The boy in school was disciplined, quiet, and brilliant, with his hair fashioned in a bowl cut that didn't reach his brows, and he was undoubtedly a teacher's pet, but every time he saw him outside the school grounds, he was a different person.
Without a sure, the indicated boy was noisy. He was always talking, trying to make others laugh, and attempting to do too much. According to many, the boy was just a child, fun, mischievous, and childlike. He was always the centre of attention, and it was clear that he craved it.
Soobin, on the other hand, was everything that the other boy was not. He was quiet, shy, surprisingly mature for his age, and affectionate. He was fond of the other boy.
On a hot afternoon, Beomgyu met Soobin. The weather has been unusually warm, making you sweat buckets, and it was evident that it will rain shortly. Beomgyu was on his way home after spending the entire day fooling about, just like any other day.
The 7/11 on his way home has always been the most difficult obstacle in Beomgyu's trek from the playground to his house; the temptation to spend all of his money on chips, sweets, and ice creams was his weakness, particularly the cream sandwich that was out as a soon as it was stocked.
Beomgyu would normally slump his shoulders and leave home dejected, but today he won't because he had received his monthly money from his mother, which made him feel like he was on top of the world.
He never looked around the store before rushing to the sandwich section, only to discover that his favourite strawberry cream sandwich had already been taken by someone else. He was unhappy, upset, but most of all he was enraged; he wants the sandwich and he isn't going down without a fight.
He approached the boy with his chin up and shoulders squared, saying, 'hey, do you mind giving me the sandwich?'
And he knew the other boy wouldn't hand it over easy, but he was prepared. He had three different ideas. The first was, "I will pay you twice the cost of the sandwich," the second, "I will buy you whatever you want if you give me the sandwich," and the third, "Do you want to fight?"
So he was clearly taken aback when the sandwich was simply pushed in his direction with no additional explanation. The second boy immediately placed the sandwich in his hand and walked away.
Beomgyu claims to have no conscience, but this is a lie because he will not let the boy simply hand him the sandwich he picked up for himself to eat, so he ran up to him, stood directly in front of him, and said-
'My name is Choi Beomgyu, and I want you to share this sandwich with me.'
'It's fine, you don't have to',
'No, I want to,' he insisted.
So they went outside, tore the plastic wrapping cleanly, gave Soobin one half of the sandwich, and ate the other.
'What is your name?'
'Choi Soobin
'OH! 'You're Choi, too; how old are you?'
'Thirteen.'
'Do you go to Guam as well?'
'I do,' he says.
'We go to the same school,' he cried excitedly, 'we have the same first name, we attend to the same school, thus we are now best friends.'
So it started.
-
They graduated middle school together, spent time together throughout high school, and when Beomgyu realised Soobin would depart for college before him, he burst out laughing, making everyone (including Soobin) laugh. They spent every day together during the summer before Soobin went.
That summer, when Beomgyu nearly drowned Soobin in the sea, when Beomgyu tried to teach Soobin to swim, when they were more than friends but less than lovers, that summer was theirs but it was short. Every other summer had been lost to the cruelties of time, and this was their last.
Beomgyu saw Soobin leave, he watched Soobin change, he watched Soobin gradually lose contact, but there was nothing to worry about because he would soon meet him, he was attending the same college as the other, and it wasn't an issue because he could always get him back.
-
Soobin left with a heavy heart, just after the great reveal. He always knew it, deep down he knew it, he always knew Beomgyu was more than just a friend to him, so he left without telling Beomgyu.
As time passed, he tried to cut Beomgyu off in the hopes that his feelings would subside, but they never did. His feelings remained strong, if anything, they increased, the feelings were too much for him, he needed to vent them out, so he began hooking up with random people to vent his feelings, and it helped for a short time.
Work stress and deadlines helped more than anything else, but the guilt didn't.
The guilt was eating him alive, the guilt for removing Beomgyu from his life, the guilt for not telling Beomgyu how he felt for him when the boy deserved to know. He was extremely guilty.
Loving Beomgyu was overpowering; he was everything to him; if he had to define it, he would say-
'The world may shatter, the world may fall. But, in the end, none of that matters because what mattered was his love, which knew no bounds, but his love was flawed in so many ways, he would rather hide his love than tell it, he would rather confide in a stranger than tell how much he loved, his love was true but he was scared, and a scared person cannot love truly.'
Soobin was always so certain of everything, until Beomgyu happened, and now he can't choose between the world and Beomgyu.
He can't escape the feelings, but he can leave Beomgyu behind, which he did. He left an uncertain note, and nothing has ever wounded him more than composing that text.
-
Beomgyu has given himself to people throughout his life, and they have all taken a piece of him. He followed suit with Soobin. He handed himself to Soobin to keep, but Soobin never wanted him.
Soobin kept him around for a bit and then asked him to leave, no explanation, no goodbye, simply asked him to leave, maybe because of the last summer they spent together, maybe because of something Beomgyu said.
No it's definitely something Beomgyu said, but the thing is Beomgyu won't chase him. He is going to let Soobin be, after all it's Soobin who wants him to leave, so he will do exactly that.
-
It's been exactly one year since Soobin left, and they haven't spoken in six months. After graduating from high school, Beomgyu spent the summer in a daze, unsure of what he will do once the summer is over, or if he will face Soobin again. He'd do anything to avoid Soobin and keep out of his life.
It's difficult to spend summer days without Soobin; for some reason, summer is very nostalgic for him. Everything they did over the summer, all the popsicles they ate, the foolish games they played, the movies they watched, the evenings they spent together, it was all gone in an instant.
For a while, the memories remained intact, but Beomgyu pushed them away because they were painful.
This was meant to be Beomgyu's first and final summer of crying; he was not going to cry again during the summer. He didn't do anything, and he's not going to grovel any farther; if Soobin had asked, he would've took any fall for him and done everything for him, but he chose to push him away.
-
He felt the most alive in days the day he arrived to Seoul for university, the pleasure of beginning a new chapter in life, new people, new surroundings, new everything.
His good times didn't last long; he saw him during his second month on campus. He was standing there looking wonderful, talking with someone, and Beomgyu was glad he was happy, but something bothered him. He was a little twitchy because he was happy when Beomgyu cried, but he was glad that Soobin was happy; Beomgyu would do anything to keep Soobin happy, even if it meant staying away from him.
He was suddenly very aware of his surroundings, always trying to stay low and quiet so as not to interact with the latter, but staying low and quiet wasn't something Beomgyu could do, he cannot stay hidden and he craves attention, in no time he had made friends, he was no longer afraid that Soobin would find him, he had forgotten him. If anything, he wished for Soobin to find him and give him closure so he could be himself again, but until then, he will be content because Soobin is content and Beomgyu should be as well.
-
Frat parties and university go hand in hand. You are a strong man if you have never attended a frat party because you simply cannot say no to one.
Beomgyu was not a strong person; in fact, he was always looking forward to attending a frat party because they are so glamorised and talked about that he can't help but want to experience one firsthand.
He was six months into his course and had already gone on three dates, none of which turned into anything more, but he has recently been going out with someone, but he can't say if they were both seriously interested in a relationship.
It was no strings attached. Beomgyu can't really afford relationships at the time because he has been burning the candle at both the edges, long days of classes and finishing assignments to the dead of the night.
Today was going to be a self-care day, and if that meant drinking till he dropped, so be it. He was going to get dressed, let Kai pick him up, get wasted, and then do anything he wanted as long as it was with Kai.
He'd wake up the next morning with the worst hangover and stiffness all over his body, but he's not going to let it ruin his day. He'd prepare himself soup, grab a cup of coffee, and rush to his one and only lesson since, bizarrely, Mondays are better than the rest of the week.
Everything was meticulously planned, and nothing could disrupt it.
-
Six shots down in five minutes to the celebration. Beomgyu could feel bile rising in his throat, but not in an unpleasant way. He felt his stomach churn a little every time he looked up at Kai since, although being a year younger, that man was at least a head higher than him.
The problem with Kai was that he was a mystery man; if Beomgyu had to label him, he would say he was two-faced. Huening Kai had two distinct personalities; he was cute in front of the entire campus, but he was never cute with Beomgyu; in fact, he was anything but cute with Beomgyu.
In a hot manner, he was intimidating, dominating, and controlling.
For example, he is currently crushed against Beomgyu, hands on his waist hanging over him so tall, his entire posture shouting mine, making the pits of Beomgyu's stomach churn with each touch.
Kai was always close, and he was always warm.
Beomgyu couldn't sleep, tossing and turning in his sleep because he was afraid of the dark, and his body was constantly too cold. It was Kai who would pin him down, keeping him close and strong, the warmth allowing Beomgyu to sleep like everyone else every night. Kai reminded him of someone, and Beomgyu was desperate to have Kai close to him for the time being.
It was now midnight, and Beomgyu was somewhere without Kai. That's when he noticed someone, someone staring at him.
Soobin stood five steps away, hands tight, jaw slack, and eyes fixed on something behind him.
He was no longer staring at Beomgyu, but at Kai, who had so easily wrapped himself around Beomgyu, head in the crook of his neck while Beomgyu stifled his sobs.
-
Soobin had seen him several times on campus; it was impossible not to notice Beomgyu. His presence was strong. He first saw him with a group of people, all of whom were staring affectionately at him while he talked animatedly. The next three times he saw him, he was always with the same person behind him, leeching upon him.
Soobin had attempted to remove Beomgyu from his life, but all it did was strengthen his hold on him.
He saw him dancing in a busy place, with a man pressed close to him, and he looked so happy without Soobin until their eyes met, and much to Soobin's horror, a single tear fell from his eyes, and Soobin could tell Beomgyu didn't know he was on the verge of sobbing.
Before Soobin could see more, he turned around, hiding his face in the taller boy's chest who had been jostled by the sudden movement, checking Beomgyu's face closely before whispering something to him, and Soobin just stood there watching them leave, he just stood there while Kai rushed Beomgyu past him.
After a year, Soobin sensed Beomgyu next to him, his presence radiating warmth, but he couldn't reach out to him because it wasn't just him and Beomgyu anymore. And he can't even complain because he requested it.
He lets him leave for the time being.
-
Instead of Beomgyu's dorm, Kai brings him to his flat. When he saw the other boy crying, he reacted faster than he could think.
He was gone for five minutes, and when he returned, Beomgyu was a shambles, dazed, and putty in his arms.
So when he noticed tears in Beomgyu's eyes, he became concerned; he couldn't figure out why the other had started sobbing after being so happy. He was curious as to what was wrong, but Beomgyu was crying, and for the time being, all that mattered to him was stopping Beomgyu from crying.
He tucked Beomgyu in and settled next to the boy who was still hiccupping and wailing, tears flowing down his cheeks, so Kai did what he should've done earlier. He hugged him, tight and warm, his limbs protectively wrapping around Beomgyu, patting his head, coddling him like a baby, and it worked; the tears ceased, and Beomgyu's body relaxed in his arms.
The cries stopped but the tears didn't; all night he grieved, repeating only one name, repeating only one word in his dream while grasping Kai's shirt, 'Stay, Soobin, please...' 'I love you,' He said, and that was more than enough assurance.
Sure, he was growing attached to Beomgyu, and he was gradually falling in love with him. But his emotions were new and quickly forgotten. He was certain it would pain him, that he would cry in the end, but for now he will hug Beomgyu and kiss his tears away until Beomgyu leaves.
Will he leave?
-
Beomgyu wakes up without his consent the next morning, squashed beneath a massive and hefty Kai who latches onto him like a dog, but Beomgyu can't really protest.
He looked forward to seeing Kai in the mornings when he awoke before Kai. He liked to count his eyelashes, touch his moles, and just stare at him.
It's been six months of being with Kai, six months of knowing him, and five months of doing whatever the fuck they're doing right now, and his heart has thumped just as loudly each time.
Every morning, he woke with Kai next to him, and his heart went through a sequence of beats.
Talking about first loves.
Soobin.
Beomgyu remembers everything, he recalls everything. He spotted Soobin and wanted to run up to him and hug him, he wanted to be near to him, but he was also looking for Kai because he was overwhelmed by Soobin's sudden arrival and needed Kai.
When Kai began to move, his head buried in Beomgyu's neck re-adjusted itself, all of his hair spilled on Beomgyu's face. It's not pleasant.
He couldn't even retaliate because one of his hands was entwined with Kai's, and the other was wrapped around him. He struggled to get the hair off his face.
Kai was breathing softly and steadily, puffs of air touching Beomgyu's neck, moistening it while the rest of his body shook.
He might get used to it. He very certainly could.
He tried to match Kai's breathing rhythm, but eventually fell asleep again. Kai woke him up again without his consent, this time with soft kisses in the hollow of his collarbone.
When he woke u pwith a grunt, all Kai said was a raspy good morning and laid next to him with his chin in his palm, looking at Beomgyu with a 'would you explain last night' expression in his eyes.
'Who exactly is Soobin?'
Beomgyu didn't see it coming; he expected a 'why did you cry last night' question, but not this one.
'How did you find out about Soobin-'
'You kept taking his name last night,' he was interrupted.
'Oh,' indeed.
Beomgyu, what are you going to say? What exactly is he going to say? Is he going to tell Kai about how his six-year best friend begged him to leave? How his best friend treated him like a doormat, how he is unimportant to anyone? How should he respond?
He made the decision to tell the truth later.
He lied, 'He is no one, don't mind it.' He knew he didn't have to lie about it. Kai would not pass judgement or laugh at him. But Beomgyu felt dumb, too stupid to tell Kai anything. Instead, he lied.
He could see the doubt in Kai's eyes, but he was relieved that the other boy didn't ask any more questions.
'Stay?'
Kai asked, and what was Beomgyu expected to do? Say no?
'Yeah,' and with that, everything about Soobin and his classes was long forgotten.
They slept in until noon, when Beomgyu awoke to find Kai sleeping next to him. Before he could extricate himself, he was yanked back, his back slamming into Kai's chest.
'Wake up, it's noon.'
He received a groan in response.
'I'll run out of your flat with the Ryan plushie stashed in the depths of your closet if you don't get up in five seconds.'
And voilà, mission accomplished.
'No fair,' Kai grumbled, sulking as usual.
Beomgyu just snickered at his antics as he prepared to sprint for the bathroom; if if it were that simple.
'Now now now, Beommie, slow and steady, what's the rush?' Kai asked, nosing Beomgyu's jaw. Kai can be really demanding at times, and it's difficult to say no to him since he's so persuasive.
'I haven't even brushed yet,' Beomgyu admitted.
'Hot,' Kai joked, making Beomgyu laugh.
'Gross, you nasty,' he said, eventually pushing Kai away, hard.
'Run to the bathroom,' he challenged, and was once again stopped.
'Why run to the bathroom when we can simply share and protect the earth,' he added, smugly.
And Beomgyu was scooped up like an empty sack in no time. Kai must quit treating Beomgyu like a toy. All of the man-handling is bad for his heart.
-
They stood close and hot under the showerhead, bodies flushed together, one wrong move and the entire vibe might shift drastically.
Beomgyu looked up at Kai, who was already looking down at him. His eyes were so warm that Beomgyu's knees buckled, and he would've toppled if it hadn't been for Kai's hand sitting possessively at his waist.
Now that Beomgyu has considered everything, it was Kai who kept him going until today. Beomgyu would have fallen if it hadn't been for him, but Kai wouldn't let him.
Kai never hid from Beomgyu; instead, he showed him his actual self, not the adorable joyful image he presented to others. He has always made himself available for Beomgyu to read and be read by.
He surrendered himself to Beomgyu, just as Beomgyu surrendered himself to Soobin.
He couldn't stop himself, he couldn't stop the tears that flowed down his face as he realised how much he had begun to love Kai. He had no idea about any of it until today.
He kissed Kai on the border of his lips delicate and smooth, and Kai kissed him back forceful and demanding. And Beomgyu yielded to his touch once more, allowing Kai to hold him.
'Stay,' Kai commanded in between kisses, and Beomgyu had no idea. He couldn't decide whether he liked Soobin, Kai, or his seventh grade sweetheart Hyunjin more.
-
Monday was spent with Kai, no thoughts of Soobin crossed his mind even once. The next day unfortunately wasn't the same because sooner or later he was going to face Soobin and he knew it.
So when he was stopped by the said boy he only looked up at him with a warm smile, he was happy. He was really really really happy. It felt so perfect with Soobin, everything felt so perfect and in place with Soobin.
'Hey' Soobin spoke,.it was so timid that if Beomgyu wasn't only paying attention to him he would've missed it.
'Hey yourself'
'How have you been?'
'Good, what about you?'
'Not really good'
To this Beomgyu frowned, 'Why?'
'I am sorry'
Oh… he is sorry.
'You are sorry?'
'Yes' , his head hung low.
'Why did you do that Soobin?'
'I was scared'
-
Soobin decided to look for Beomgyu, he asked around and the first person he asked already knew who Soobin was asking about.
When Soobin saw Beomgyu again, he looked fresh. He wasn't sad, he was once again happy.
He watched the tall looming figure detach himself from Beomgyu, hastily leaving a kiss on the side of his head.
He watched Beomgyu blush over it and touch the kissed spot lightly, smiling a little to himself.
Then he looked at Soobin and his movements slowed down, he looked at Soobin with the same smile on his face the one he always wore on his face when he ran upto Soobin.
It was Soobin who spoke up first,
'Hey'
'Hey yourself' and he sounded so relieved
'How have you been?'
'Good, what about you?'
How have I been? I've been bad. Everything's been so empty, so tiring without Beomgyu and he can't even complain since he is the one who asked him to leave.
'Not really good', truth.
'Why?'
'I am sorry'
'You are sorry?'
'Yes', he can't even look him in the eyes anymore.
'Why did you do that Soobin?'
Why did he do that? Why did he do that? What can he do to change it? He will do it, he will do all of it to have Beomgyu back, anything he will do anything.
'I was scared'
And Beomgyu looked shocked, he was surprised.
'You were afraid? What are you afraid of? Soobin, I gave myself to you, you were my first everything, first kiss, first love, I gave all of myself to you, what were you afraid of? Do you have any idea how terrified I was? I was so terrified that I'd been used and discarded, Soobin, I was so upset. What were you afraid of? When did I not prove myself enough ? Isn't it true that I've always said I'd love you no matter what? Did I not? So, why Soobin? Why did you abandon me? 'What brings you to me now?'
The gap between them had shrunk, and each accusation was met with a punch to Soobin's chest, each accusation stinging more than the punches. Fists pawing at his chest, sobs loud and questions demanding..
Beomgyu, I love you. I always did because I was afraid to commit or lose you. What if we split up? What if I lost you? I'd have been shattered.' Beomgyu merely stared at him, perplexed.
'What do you mean if I lose you?' Soobin, you pushed me away, you asked me to leave, and you lost me that day.'
And he sobbed in his chest, and Soobin just held him. Why did he? Why did he ask him to leave? Last summer they spent together was enough confirmation of how much Beomgyu loved him.
-
Summer for Soobin and Beomgyu meant a few things- ice cream, movies and staying together.
This summer was supposed to be special, this was there last summer together until Beomgyu moved to Seoul to live with Soobin.
They did what they would always do but it was different, this time they held hands for longer, this time the gazes were intense, this time the summer was hotter than usual, this summer would change the entire trajectory of their friendship.
Soobin sat on the grass while Beomgyu laid next to him, the grass feeling cool under his touch, the setting sun shining straight on their faces. He looked at Beomgyu who lied next to him, eyes shut with a ray of sunshine hitting him on the face.
Soobin angled himself again, the sun hitting the back of his head instead of Beomgyu's face.
He looked at him like he always did, counting his eyelashes, looking at him and maybe it was on instinct or maybe it was because Beomgyu looked so majestic but lying there.
Soobin kissed him. He was surprised by his action, he pulled away quickly ready to apologise but Beomgyu kissed him back.
In no time Soobin was on top of Beomgyu, making out in the garden outside his house.
The kiss was getting steamy, and so was the weather. The clothes sticking on their bodies and Beomgyu's moans and whimpers just made things harder for Soobin.
He picked Beomgyu up, carrying him to his room. One thing led to another and Soobin had already marked every expanse of skin on Beomgyu's body.
It was their last day of summer when they loved each other, it was their last summer.
-
Beomgyu cried in his chest, and Soobin felt guilty.
He beckoned Beomgyu to look up before pressing their lips together and this time it was him who cried because Beomgyu didn't kiss him back. He just let Soobin kiss him.
And Soobin at that moment knew he lost Beomgyu.
'I am sorry', it wasn't Soobin who apologised
'It's fine, do you want to start fresh?'
'I would love to', Beomgyu smiled cried.
'Hi, I am Choi Soobin 22 year old'
'Hi, I am Choi Beomgyu 21 year old'
'Do you attend this uni too?'
'Yes dumbass, I do'
'We have the same first name, we go to the same university, so we are best friends now'
'Yes we are' , cried Beomgyu
-
Beomgyu would always love Soobin, he was his first love afterall but he could see from the corner of his eyes another figure walking by.
Kai.
Oh no, no. It can't be Kai, Kai's definitely got the wrong idea.
Beomgyu hugged Soobin tight, reluctant to let go but he pulled himself and ran to the apartments outside the campus.
To his luck he saw the person he was looking for. Kai stood there, his face giving out no emotion.
'Kai', he yelled. The other boy looked at him, a moment of surprise flashed through his face.
'It's not what you think it is' and Kai just snorted at it.
-
Kai had walked Beomgyu to his class just like any other day. He walked him to the class, kissed him goodbye.
On his way to his own class he decided to get a quick snack and then he saw the strawberry cream sandwich sitting there and he instantly knew he was going to buy it for Beomgyu.
He walked back to Beomgyu's class, hoping it hadn't started yet. Excited to give Beomgyu the sandwich because the boy loved it.
What he saw instead was a sobbing Beomgyu. On instinct he walked towards him but stopped when the boy kissed Beomgyu.
And Kai was sure that the boy was no one else but Soobin himself.
He stood there watching them kiss, and it hurt way more than it should. He knew Beomgyu would leave. He was prepared for it but still it hurt a little.
Beomgyu didn't stay afterall.
'Kai', Beomgyu was panting, he ran all the way here. He wanted to reach out and hold the boy but it was no more his place to do so.
'It's not what you think it is' yeah right, the cliche it's not what you think it is.
'Then what is it? I saw you guys kissing, you were crying and he kissed you, what do I think of it?'
'He kissed me but I didn't, I don't know Kai. I've always loved him, he is my first love, my first everything but I don't know how or when things changed. You came along and I no longer knew where I was, but I liked it. You talked with me, you stayed with me, you made me laugh until my sides hurt and it wasn't that hard to realise the change, all of a sudden I was feeling something, too. When did that happen? When did you become someone I think of so much? When did you become someone I cared about so much? When did you become like a welcome guest to me, whose daily visits I eagerly awaited? I don't know when it happened, I don't know how it happened, all I know is it happened and I am glad it did. I won't change a thing, I love you'
He stayed was all Kai could think of, he wasn't sure how to react. All he wanted to do was hug and kiss the daylight out of Beomgyu. He was weighing the options. Is it nice to kiss Beomgyu on the footpath? Would it be too much PDA? And then he didn't care anymore.
'Fuck it'
The distance between them was making Kai mad, all he wanted to do was touch Beomgyu. In three long strides henwas standing in front of Beomgyu, who looked up at him with glossy eyes and red cheeks.
Wiping his tears off he kissed him, slowly and then deeper. Beomgyu went limp in his hold, whimpering each time he bit his lips.
All he could think of was that Beomgyu stayed.
'I love you'
Beomgyu loved Soobin, Beomgyu still loves Soobin but it wasn't the same love he had for Soobin like that summer. Soobin had hurted Beomgyu in a way he can't describe, he left him alone when Beomgyu needed him, he wasn't there for Beomgyu like he promised he would be. It was Kai who was with Beomgyu each day each night, it was Kai who showed Beomgyu his true self, Kai have himself to Beomgyu, and Beomgyu couldn't even register when his feelings for Kai had changed so much, he just knew it changed and for once it felt good.