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It was so beautiful, I watched it in hindsight. Watched our entire relationship fall apart, watched him fall out of love and it was so beautiful. It felt like a pretty pretty song, a song that’d leave you smiling while tears streamed down your face, that was the beauty of it, a melancholy written and sung out of a love story that was broken way before it started.
They never talked enough, thinking words wouldn’t make much of a change, the thread has slipped out of their fingers way before. But I wanted to save it, I tried until it became tiring, I didn’t like it but I was tired of fighting, for every single worth of tear I’d shed, I knew that if I ever told him how far apart we are, he would just drift away even farther, so I won’t. I won’t tell him how much it hurts me, I won’t tell him how painful it is to watch him fall out of love, but…
But how could I not? When I could see it in his eyes, see that he knew. Knew that he was no longer in love. Why couldn’t he just say it to my face? Spare us both the pain… there’s worse things I could take than a mere heartbreak.
We rushed, I thought I was in love when all this time I was just replacing him trying to fill a void, a space for someone else, when did we even love each other. It was definitely beautiful, whatever time we spent assuming we were in love, faking that we were in love. For as long as we could.
I know you hate it when there’s nothing to say so how could you sit quietly next to me and expect that I won’t notice? I know you better than I let the world know. Maybe that’s why you too think I never liked you in the first place. You found me when I needed nothing more than an arm to latch on, a shoulder to cry on, you held me whenever I needed it and somewhere amidst it all we confused intimacy for love.
I hate to accept that it can’t be fixed, we are way past that phase. I don’t quite like it though, the person we have become to each other, no speck of love or adoration left. Only fleeting fondness every now and then, I still get teary when you smile at me, or pat me on the head. It gives me some hope that maybe we’re not totally broken.
If I told you all this, you’d know how easy it is to break my heart but what am I even saying there was no love in the first place.
That day when you sat on your knees while I held my breath waiting for it to slap me in the face. You sobbed in my arms, telling me how you always knew I was never ever in love, that my heart was never yours in the first place. He told me that he’d tried to fix it but what was there to fix? He himself never loved. He wanted to keep me, he was so used to having me around.
Beomgyu ought to know that Kai and he were just the same, not something they could help with. Never ever in love, just too greedy to let go of each other.
Cause I know we’re the same, if we wanted we’d fight for it, for each other.
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But there was something that I knew, knew that my heart still belonged to that person, and will probably always do. It was easier to get used to the feeling of having no Kai around me when I stopped denying my love for the person I wanted. Kai and I were just the perfect pair, just like each other way too much like each other, perfectly moulding into each other’s personalities. Maybe that’s why it never worked out, perfect never worked out for me anyways.