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Was it very becoming of a mother to be a wallflower at her daughter’s graduation celebration? Probably not, but Jade didn’t have many other options. She lingered in the back of the room with a glass of red wine in desperate need of a refill and fiddled with the golden bracelets dangling from her right wrist. Lian sat on the couch in her white dress, smiling from ear to ear as the rest of her family crowded around excitedly.
Jade shook her head and smiled to herself. Her daughter was entering high school, another thing she never got to do herself. To many, that wasn’t an amazing feat — in fact, it was expected of most children — but to her, it was yet another reminder that Lian was far better than she ever could be, which is exactly what she wished for. That sweet surprise of hearing her last name read alongside Roy’s was a memory she would treasure for the rest of her life, as was the image of Lian accepting her middle school diploma and shaking hands with her principal.
But to be quite honest, if it weren’t for such a special occasion and, well, her daughter, Jade would have slipped away by now. There was only so much time she could spend hovering near Lian or being tucked under Roy’s arm without feeling the sudden urge to escape. Not only were large family gatherings foreign to her, she found the majority of the guest list to be insufferable. Having to be in the same room as the Titans was unbelievably suffocating. She immediately recognized Nightwing upon his entrance due to his failed attempt at masking his contempt upon seeing her. In fact, it was the same face he made even while masked. She still didn’t know his real name (Roy called him ‘Dick’ but knowing him that could be a less-than-charming nickname for his friend rather than an actual name) but to be honest, she didn’t care to know. Jade didn’t bother to acknowledge Donna’s existence either, which proved to be the better option for all parties involved.
And then there was the family.
Jade didn’t mind the brother or the sister, finding them endearing and entertaining respectively. Connor had always been kind to her and Mia learned to cover her obvious wariness with humor. She never quite understood the fact that Roy had an aunt who was a little over a decade younger than him. All she knew was that this Emiko Queen looked strangely familiar and she couldn’t figure out why. Jade never hid her disdain for Dinah and, thankfully, could continue to insult the older hero in a manner so eloquent that her daughter couldn’t understand (either that, or she’d insult her in another language).
Although she had never interacted with his father, she didn’t like Oliver. He was loud and irritating and Jade had no love in her heart for parents who abandoned their children. So Roy had forgiven him — that’s why she was there, to hold the grudge for him. They had never spoken or interacted outside of the battlefield save for the courteous smile from Oliver and a faux one of her own in return. Whether or not he was interested in building a relationship with her was unclear, but she would be much happier if they continued down the path they were on.
Despite the grievances she may have with Roy’s superhero friends and family, she did appreciate the love they constantly showed her daughter. It was the one thing they all agreed on; that Lian Harper was one very special kid. She watched them shower her with hugs and kisses, each and every one of them wanting to shout all her achievements from the rooftops. With Roy right next to her, everyone gathered around to watch her smile and laugh at the gifts she received from her loved ones. Lian must have been overwhelmed with love.
A chilling feeling crept up the back of her neck and draped itself over her body. She began to pick at the swinging bracelet charms and worry her bottom lip. The older Lian became, the more Jade began to question her role in her life. She was graduating from middle school and would be attending one of the top high schools in California while her mother was on the other side of the world struggling to decide if she should retire or not. Lian had all of this support in her life — Jade knew that would be the case the moment she decided not to chase after Roy in London. She had aunts, uncles, and grandparents who would drop anything and everything if she asked. Looking at the smile on her face, she wasn’t concerned or even the least bit aware of the fact that her mother had disappeared. If she could smile like that in her absence, then perhaps she didn’t need Jade at all.
Jade found herself watching the sunset in a vain attempt to rid her mind of the insecurities that plagued it. She had never been more appreciative of the way the sunlight made the ocean water sparkle than she was now. But the cloud of self-doubt wasn’t chased away by the distant, glistening waves. Jade sighed and took a large sip of her wine. Years ago she pretended to detest Dinah because of her presence in Lian’s life when in reality she loathed herself for being away while her daughter grew up without her. The very idea of not being able to braid her hair, pick her up from school, take her out for ice cream, or do all the things she imagined she’d do when Lian was still small enough to be cradled in her arms made her heart sink. And yet, here she was years later, ready to relinquish her dream of taking her daughter prom dress shopping and listening to all the high school drama. It was laughable.
“Enjoying the sunset?”
Jade’s head whipped around, her lips curving into a deep frown when she recognized the voice’s owner. Oliver Queen leaned against the frame wearing his signature grin and a green apron complete with a few chili stains. He looked rather pleased that he caught her alone, like he’d been searching for the right moment to talk to her and it finally fell into his lap.
“Not anymore,” she grumbled, the sunset no longer soothing.
“A shame,” he mused, coming to stand beside her and leaning over the balcony. “It’s beautiful.”
Oliver turned his head to address her, “You should be in there. Roy’s cutting the cake soon.”
“He’ll save me a slice,” Jade answered dryly.
A brief pause, then: “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
A breeze ruffled the leaves and carried the scent of the Pacific Ocean with it. She was glad Roy chose to go through with the beach property. It brought a certain level of peace that wasn’t present in his primary neighborhood. Perhaps that was thanks to the majority of the block being elderly couples with too much time on their hands or maybe that was just the magic of the beach. Either way, she and Oliver stood in silence, soaking up the remaining warmth of the sun before it retired.
In a voice no more than a whisper, Jade uttered: “She doesn’t need me.”
“Do you really believe that?” he asked genuinely.
“Yes.” No.
Oliver laughed, “I guess you aren’t as smart as Roy said you are.” His laugh only grew upon seeing her irritated expression. The old archer eventually settled, his eyes returning to the setting sun.
“As parents,” he began, “it’s easy for us to think that every little moment of growth and independence means that they no longer need us. Believe me, I’ve had plenty of moments with each of them that has made me doubt just how important my presence is to them. But the reality is, they’ll always need us. We just have to step back and allow them to come to us when they do, or step in if it’s necessary.”
“You’re not understanding me,” she protested. “She doesn’t need me. She has Roy, Dinah, you, and everyone in that house. She hasn’t even noticed that I left.”
“Do you know why I’m out here?” Oliver inquired gently. “She kept asking for you. ‘Where’s Mom?’ she said. So, I let Roy continue to be a happy dad while I looked for you.”
“You can say that she doesn’t need you,” he continued, “that she doesn’t notice when you’re gone, but that’s easy for you to believe when you’re everywhere else but home.” Jade winced and swallowed bitterly. Regardless of whether or not he meant it like that, it still stung.
Oliver faced her. “You weren’t here when she would throw tantrums because Dinah was reading her stories and not you, and you certainly didn’t hear all the times she would remind every woman in there that they weren’t you and could never be you. You’re not here to listen to her buzz around the house for weeks on end because she’s so excited that you’re visiting soon. And if it weren’t for me telling you, you wouldn’t know all the times she cried because she wished you were here.”
Jade dug her nails into her palms and forced herself to stare at the fading sun. The orange was dark and burning, like a fire struggling to stay alive.
“Listen to me,” his voice softened but she didn’t dare look at him, afraid of what might seep through her cracking shell. “She’s going to need you now more than ever. I know she and Roy are so open and honest with each other, but I can assure you that there will be plenty of things that she’ll feel better talking to you about. There’s things that you two will be able to bond over that he won’t understand, and she’ll need you for that. Sure, Dinah and Donna can fill in from time to time, but she never wanted that then and I can guarantee you she won’t want that now.”
“Get back in there, Jade,” Oliver advised. “And don’t think for a second that she’s better off without you. No one can ever have too much love in their lives.”
Jade inhaled deeply. She never expected to be on the receiving end of an Oliver Queen rant, especially not one with such a delicate subject as this. To her surprise, everything he said resonated with her. He was right — she only saw so much of Lian’s life. Maybe that smile she wore would be seen more often if she were home longer.
It wasn’t as though one profound conversation with another flawed yet experienced parent would suddenly eradicate all insecurities she had surrounding motherhood. Those had existed since before Lian’s birth and would likely endure until the end of time. However, Oliver offered a perspective she never considered: Lian’s.
“Thank you, Oliver,” she murmured.
“Anytime,” he said sincerely. “And Jade?”
“Yes?”
“Call me Ollie.”
A shocked expression quickly morphed into a warm one, “Thank you, Ollie.”
“There you are!” Roy exclaimed, snaking his arm around her waist and beaming. “We’re about to cut the cake.” When he noticed Ollie standing nearby, he frowned, “Everything alright?”
“Fine, hon,” she assured him, gently rubbing his stubbly cheek. “Everything’s fine. What kind of cake is it?”
“Mystery!”
Jade rolled her eyes and Roy added, “What? You know she loves a good surprise.”
“Come on,” she huffed, lacing their fingers together and dragging him back inside. Jade tossed one final look of gratitude over her shoulder with a genuine smile, and Ollie nodded. As she walked, fingers intertwined with Roy’s, she smiled warmly when Lian caught sight of her. And as she settled beside her and enjoyed her slice of cake, she replayed the words in her mind:
No one can ever have too much love in their lives.