Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Luka: You all are not.

Meiko: Y'all aren't.

Rin: Y'ain't.

Chapter Text

Arsloid: I'm doing a great job at keeping my crush a secret.

Yohioloid:  *Smiles*

Arsloid: *Trips on air* I have to gay- I mean, I have to go.

Chapter Text

Piko: I still have no idea how I'm attracted to you...

Fukase: Yeah, well, you're stuck with me, and no take backs, honey.

Chapter Text

Rin, writing in her diary with a glitter gel pen: I'm losing my sense of humanity. Nothing matters. God is dead. There's blood on my hands.

Chapter Text

Luka: Did you buy eggs like I asked?
Kaito: Even better!
Luka: What did you-
Kaito: *Holds up a chicken* Her name is fluffy.

Chapter Text

Hime: Make no mistake. Not only am I party rocking, but I am also in the house tonight.
Una: But are you shuffling?
Hime: Everyday.
Mikoto: What language are you two speaking??

Chapter Text

Meiko: Damn it, the printer broke while printing out Miku's birthday invitations.
Rin: Well, what are they supposed to say?
Meiko: "Miku's Birthday."
Rin: So, what do they say instead?
Meiko: "Miku's Bi."
Rin: Works out either way.

Chapter Text

Defoko: It's impossible to make a sentence without using the letter a.
Momo: Despite your thinking, it is quite possible, yet difficult, to form one without the specific letter. Here's one more to further disprove your theory.
Defoko: Fuck you.

Chapter Text

Kiyoteru: Your child was in a fight.
Luka: Oh no, that's terrible!
Meiko: Did they win?

Chapter Text

Ted:  *Seductively takes off glasses*

Ted: ...Damn...uh, I can't see anything-

Chapter Text

[Texting]

Fukase: U wanna go to Chliloptee

Fukase: *Chlipllioe

Piko: Wut

Fukase: *Chopulyert

Fukase: *Chopolaj

Fukase: *Chupotlae

Piko: Take your time

Fukase: Chiplo3

Piko: How did you even get a number in there?!

Fukase: Chipotla

Chapter Text

Tei, writing: To the most handsome man in the world,

Tei: Blood is red; Bruises are blue; Be my Valentine; AND DON'T SAY NO-!

Chapter Text

Miku: How'd the honeymoon go?

Mikuo: Gumiya got drunk and tried to destroy our marriage certificate.

Mikuo: He said, "Good luck trying to return me without the receipt, bitch!"

Mikuo: I love him-

Chapter Text

Oliver: This Push Pop is banging yo.

Rana: That's a fucking glue stick-

Chapter Text

Piko: This is a problem I really don't understand, so I'm gonna make water come out of my eyes and whimper for an hour-

Chapter Text

Oliver: So you call these things here "chips" instead of "crispity crunchy munchie cracker jack snacker nibbler snap crack 'n' pop west pool chestershire shire queen's lovely jubbly delights?"

Fukase:  *Visible confusion*

Oliver: That's a rather bit cringe. Innit, bruv?

Chapter Text

Yanhe: When do you usually go to sleep?
Moke: Whenever I collapse is entirely up to the gods.

Chapter Text

Rin, writing fanfiction: His Length? Package? Member..? Wait I got it, his dick-

Chapter Text

Hime: *Sees Oliver and Ryuto together*
Hime: They're cute. I would put them on a boat.
Rana: You mean...you ship them?

Chapter Text

Piko: Dang, the power went out.
Oliver: Don't worry, I got this.
Oliver: *Shakes rapidly and starts to light up*
Piko: What-?
Oliver: I swallowed a glow stick!
Piko, on the verge of tears: WHY WOULD YOU-

Chapter Text

Teto: I think we should kiss.
Tei: And I think you should die but we don't always get what we want.

Chapter Text

Piko: My soulmate's out there, somewhere, pushing a pull door. I can just feel it.

Chapter Text

Rin: I'm not mean. Name one mean thing I've ever done.
Len: When we were younger, you convinced me eggs weren't real.
Rin: They're not.
Len: Haha, very funny.
Rin: I'm serious. Didn't you hear?
Len: No...what happened?
Rin: ...Why would you fall for this again-

Chapter Text

Piko: I hate it when people are like "So, tell me about yourself." What do you want to know? My past trauma or my favourite colour? Be more specific.

Chapter Text

Hime: Do you want a spot of tea?

Oliver: Yes, yes of course. I would love some tea.

Hime:  *Pours a literal spot of tea*

Hime: It's just a spot!

Oliver: Hmm...Yes, yes, I can see that...

Oliver: You've made a fool of me for the last time with your cheap and twisted buffoonery. To frolic with me and all my wits would seem, to most, unwise. Your up and down, wherever around with incessant and boring tomfoolery. Be gone, get out and leave my sight unless wish to meet your demise.

Oliver: *Sips tea*

Hime: Uhh...would you like some more?

Oliver: Yes, of course!

Chapter Text

Haku: Alcohol is cool, but have you ever had someone care about you? Yeah, me neither, pass that bottle.

Chapter Text

Fukase: ...

Len: ...

Fukase: Mucus is just germ cum-

Len: STOP-

Chapter Text

Miko: So you're non biney?

Miko: Like

Miko: You don't have any binery?

Rook: yeah

Rook: sure

Miko: Thats so poggers

Chapter Text

Hime: I was thinking I'd do some magic.

Rana: Magic? Hime, it says talent show.

Chapter Text

Fukase: Seriously, I have no idea what to do.
Fukase: Oh, wait! Yahoo! Answers!

Chapter Text

Oliver: Yum, thanks!
Kidnapper: *Puts more tape over their mouth* I said stop eating it.

Chapter Text

Rinto: I love saying 'fuck me' because it can either be sexual or self-loathing and those are two things that describe me perfectly.

Chapter Text

Galaco: I would do anything for money.
[Later]
Galaco, covered in blood: THE STATEMENT STILL STANDS!

Chapter Text

Kazehiki: Don't joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offends me.

Chapter Text

Mayu: Get in, loser, we're committing vehicular manslaughter!

Chapter Text

Ritsu: Isn't it amazing how I can feel so bad and still look so good?

Chapter Text

Galaco talking about the rest of Internet Co.: I think we can all agree I'm the ten amongst these threes.

Chapter Text

Piko: The last time I went to an urgent care clinic, I checked off 'excessive crying' on the symptom list, and then the nurse got really confused and said that was meant for babies.

Chapter Text

Fukase: What does "ilysm" mean? I like your spicy memes?!

Chapter Text

Fukase's caption on a picture of Piko: A boy with heterophobia in his eyes <3

Chapter Text

Mikoto: When you shake laminated paper and it does the thing.

Hime: FwuubufbuwbfwubfufbwufbuwbuuuBUWBUBHUFUFBUWBUFBUB!

Mikoto: Exactly.

Chapter Text

Len: What the fuck are you supposed to say to someone after you kiss them?

Rin: Don't forget to subscribe and hit that notification bell-

Chapter Text

Rin: I am decayed. My lungs are full of thrones and mildew. My bones are held together by vines. I am fragile. Be gentle with my corpse.

Luka: Get out of bed. You're going to school whether you like it or not.

Rin: I refuse.

Chapter Text

Gumi/Sonika: When I say 'Gotta bounce.' I am referring to my tits as I run-

Chapter Text

Rana: One day, someone will think about you for the last time in eternity. You'll be forgotten by the world and the universe.

Una/Ryuto: Not if I eat the Mona Lisa!

Chapter Text

Meiko: Just remember, kids; You are a trash can, not a trash can't.

Chapter Text

Rin: You look really cute, you know.

Piko: Sorry, I'm gay...

Rin: My bad, I thought you were a girl-

Chapter Text

Rinto: FIGHT ME YOU NERD ASS PUNK!I

Zikuo: At least try to be a little sophisticated, honey...

Rinto: Dost thou wish to engage in a duel, my good BITCH!?

Zikuo: Somehow that's even worse-

Chapter Text

Yohioloid: Hi, sorry I'm late. I was doing a couple of things and got distracted.
Maika: I'm "a couple of things."
Arsloid: I'm "got distracted-"

Chapter Text

[Luki joining the 63!Cryptonloids]

Luki: They look like a real handful. How do you deal with them?

Meito, watching Lenka screaming, Rinto trying to set a sleeping Mikuo on fire, and Kaiko choking on air: I don't know either.

Chapter Text

Yohioloid: Is stabbing someone immoral?

Arsloid: Not if they consent to it.

Maika: Depends who you're stabbing.

Sonika: YES?!?

Chapter Text

Luka: Meiko and I are having a baby.
Kokone: That's great news! Congra--
Meiko, slamming adoption papers on the table: It's you, sign here.

Chapter Text

Neru: *Yawns*
Gumi: Yeah, being that pretty must be tiring.
Neru: Then you must be exhuasted.
Gumiya: Will you two shut up? Some of us are lonely-

Chapter Text

Rinto: Alright, I need you to swear-

Lenka: Fuck!

Rinto: ...

Rinto: Swear as in promise-

Chapter Text

Ars: I came out as a queer during basketball practice when my coach was like "Son, you're having trouble throwing straight." and I replied "I'm also having trouble being straight." It got very quite, and then my coach just shook his head and said "Throw the damn ball, Ars."

Chapter Text

???: Don't you wish you were seeing someone?

Masayuki: Yeah, a therapist.

Chapter Text

Haiyi: Water.

Shian: Earth.

Chiyu: Fire.

Cangqiong: Air.

Muxin: Long ago, the four nations lived in harmony-

Chapter Text

Gumiya: I thought happiness started with an 'h', so why does mind start with 'u'?

Mikuo: I think you're dyslexic...

Chapter Text

Piko: She was poetry, but he couldn't read.

Len: His name was Jarred, he's 19.

Rin: When his parents built a very strange machine.

Oliver: Watch the scene, digging the dancing queen.

Fukase: Aaaay Macarena!

Flower: Horrible job, everyone.

Chapter Text

Ted: Why do you want to bite people?

Rook: Some of you deserve it.

Chapter Text

Kaito: Why is everyone obsessed over top and bottom? Honestly, I would just be happy to have a bunk bed!

Luka: ...

Len: ...

Rin: I'm gonna tell him--

Miku: Don't you dare

Chapter Text

Arsloid: Look, dude, I don't mean to be homophobic, but I'm just saying the LGBTQ+ community...kinda gay

Cul: Ars, you are dating a man *camera focuses on Yohioloid who's chillin' in the background*

Arsloid: I'M JUST SAYING, BRUH-

Chapter Text

Piko: Where is the home of sexuals and why do people keep saying I live there?

Chapter Text

Kaito: Jeez, it's hot in here *casually takes off jacket*

Len: *Gay panic intensifies*

Chapter Text

Rinto: Okay, let's try again.

Gumiya: Okay-

Gumiya: *opens doors* I WANNA HAVE SEX!

Rinto: HEY! NO!

Gumiya: *confused screaming* What?!

Rinto: GUMO! D:< *starts hitting him*

Gumiya: I'm sorry! What did I do wrong?!

Rinto: You wouldn't want someone to just run up to you and say that!

Gumiya: Yeah I would!

Rinto: NO!

Gumiya: Yeah I would! That would be awesome!

Rinto: Gumiya >:[

Gumiya: I'd say, "Finally, after all these years--"

Rinto:  *bonks*

Gumiya: Ow! Stop hitting me!

Chapter Text

Fukase: 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around, 99 bottles of beer on the wall.

Flower: No.

Fukase: No what?

Flower: It's 98 bottles.

Fukase: No it isn't.

Len: Yes it is. You took one bottle down, so now you have one less bottle.

Fukase: No, because the bottle got passed around.

Flower: Yeah, and then it was finished.

Fukase: Wow, you guys really don't know your shapes.

Len: What does this have to do with shapes?

Fukase: You pass, the bottle, around.

Len: And?

Fukase: What shape is round?

Flower: A circle.

Fukase: Exactly!

Len: What the fuck are you talking about?

Fukase: You take the bottle down, you pass it in a circle, and when the bottle gets back to you, you put it back on the wall.

Len: Why would you put an empty bottle back on the wall?

Fukase: It's called recycling, Lenno.

Flower: Wow...

...

Fukase: 99 bottles of--

Flower & Len: Shut up.

Chapter Text

Haku: I am not drunk.

Dell: Yes you are.

Haku: No I'm fucking not.

Dell: Can you tell the time?

Haku: Yes.

Haku: *narrows eyes at the clock*

Haku: I'm not fucking drunk--

Chapter Text

Kyo: I was thinking about you..

Wil: He's quite the character, isn't he?

Kyo: I- Nevermind-

Chapter Text

[Texting]

Sonika: WHERE

Sonika: ARE

Sonika: YOU

Sonika: GUYS?!

Arsloid: WE'RE

Arsloid: FUCKING

Arsloid: GETTING *not sent*

Arsloid: DRINKS!!! *not sent*

Sonika: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Chapter Text

Qianxing: *pointing to a picture of the Sistine chapel* Michelangelo painted that

Ling: Silly Qianxing! The teenage mutant ninja turtles aren't real!

Qianxing:  *pure disappointment*

Chapter Text

Meito: I really like this whole 'good cop, bad cop' act you two have going on.
Rinto: It's not an act, it's just that I'm mean and Lenka isn't.

Chapter Text

Len: You use emoji's like a straight person.
Rin: That's literally the worst thing anyone has ever said about me.

Chapter Text

Rin: Is this your plan B?
Kaito: Technically, this is plan P.
Rin: Plan P? Is there a plan M?
Kaito: Yes, but I marry Len in plan M.
Len: I like plan M.

Chapter Text

Fukase: In case you haven't noticed, I'm weird. I'm a weirdo. I don't "fit in" and I don't WANT to fit in. Have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on? That's weird.

Chapter Text

Dell: Did you just kiss me?

Akaito: ...Was I not supposed to?

Dell: I don't know, but could you do it again?

Chapter Text

Miki: Watcha doin?
Iroha: Stealing my neighbour's cat.
Miki: Scandalous.
Miki: Can I help?

Chapter Text

Xin Hua: You lying, cheating, piece of shit!
Flower: Oh yeah? You're the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!
Xin Hua: I'm leaving you, and I'M TAKING THE TWINS WITH ME!
Hime, picking up the monopoly board: I think we're gonna stop playing now...

Chapter Text

Luka: If you got arrested what would be the charges?
Miku: Theft.
Kaito: Disturbing the peace.
Meiko: Aggravated assault.
Len: Arson.
Rin: All of the above. In that order, probably.

Chapter Text

Len: Pros and cons of dating me:

Len: Pros, you'll be the sexy one

Len: Cons, where do I begin?

Chapter Text

Arsloid: I'm not gay, but you look hot today.

Yohioloid: We're literally dating, Ars.

Chapter Text

Ryuto: It's dark...I'm scared.

Una: Don't worry, Ryu! I got this!

Una: *stomps foot and shoe lights up*

Chapter Text

Meiko: Toss me my keys.

*CRASH*

Meiko: I said my keys--

Kaito: I thought you said printer...

Meiko: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I SAY PRINTER?!

Chapter Text

Miku: The bible said Adam and Eve, so I slept with them both!

Luka: Well, it is the bi-ble and not the straight-ble. You're only following the book.

Chapter Text

Yuuma: I do not have resting bitch face. My bitch face is always on duty. My bitch face will rest when it's work is done.

Chapter Text

Luka: Okay, what did we say about self care?

Miku: More espresso, less depresso

Luka: Try again.

Rin: Don't be sad. Sad backwards is das, and das not good.

Luka: No-

Len: It just be like that sometimes

Luka: NO-!

Chapter Text

Sonika @ Maika: Just remember, we got two things they (Hio & Ars) don't, tits and intelligence.

Chapter Text

Akaito:  *hugs Dell*

Dell: What is this?

Akaito: Affection..?

Dell: Disgusting.

Akaito: *lets go*

Dell: ...

Dell: Do it again--

Chapter Text

Ruko: Fortunately , I have stupid sexy bitch disease so I can never understand a thing y'all are saying

Chapter Text

Piko: Is something burning...?

Fukase: Just my love for you

Oliver: Guys, the toaster is on fire--

Chapter Text

Sonika: Hio, quick! What's your type!

Yohioloid: Uh...Red hair, plays basketball, responds to Ar--

Sonika: Your BLOOD TYPE!

Yohio: Oh, B positive.

Sonika: DON'T TRY TO CHEER ME UP, JUST TELL ME YOUR BLOOD TYPE!

Chapter Text

Flower: I started out as a tomboy and ended up becoming a lesbian.

Chapter Text

Ruko: I LOST RITSU!

Ted: How did you lose him?!

Rook: Give me a break, he's like two inches tall-

Chapter Text

Masayuki: Are you okay?

Rinto: Yeah, I'm fine.

Masayuki: Did they hurt you?

Rinto: No, obviously not.

Masayuki: Did they attempt to murder you?

Rinto: Wh—?

Masayuki: Did they attack you?

Rinto: Mas—

Masayuki: Were you threatened? Blackmailed?

Rinto: Mao, it was a interv—

Masayuki: Were they gonna hold you for ransom?

Rinto: N—

Masayuki: Don't worry, they're dead now. They can't hurt you anymore.

Rinto: N— Wait, what did you just say?!

Chapter Text

Dell: Last year, I was miserable and depressed, but this year, I decided to turn that around, so now I'm depressed and miserable.

Chapter Text

Piko: I'm literally so mad at you right now. There's nothing you can say that'll make me forgive you.

Fukase: I--

Piko: Okay, I forgive you.

Chapter Text

Lenka: I like wearing oversized sweaters. Not because they're extremely comfy and cuddly, but because whenever the sleeves are really big, I get to flop them around and smack people.

Chapter Text

Ryuto: What if food had people names and people had food names?
Una: Hey Spaghetti, time for dinner!
Ryuto: What are we having?
Una: Cody!
Rana: Why am I friends with you guys?
Una: Shut up, Rutabaga.

Chapter Text

Piko, opening the first aid kit: Why is this filled with Cheetos?!

Fukase, bleeding out: I thought it would be funny at the time...

Chapter Text

Hime: Hewwo! I will be youw suwgeon today! Intewnal bweeding you say? Let's make ouw fiwst wittle incision.

Una: Dowcto ! Wewre loswing thwem!!!

Hime: Quick! Hand me the defibwiwatow!!

Rana: Please. Turn off my fucking life support.

Chapter Text

Rinto: What would you do if I ran towards you at very high speeds?

Zikuo: My arms are quite strong, so I'd catch and hug you.