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The captain is… inconsistent. And that's not necessarily a bad thing! I'm inconsistent too, jumping into a wormhole will do that to you. I've been so many different versions of myself over the past… well, I guess I don't know how long. And in some universes I'm a murderer, and I wouldn't want to be judged based on those versions of me. So it wouldn't be fair to judge the captain, my captain, on the other versions of them.
But all my memories are so jumbled. I don't know which iteration of the captain is mine. My captain, who held on, who saved me, are they the same one that literally threw me into danger so long ago? Or the one that jumped out of the airlock while I begged and pleaded for them not to? Who left me all alone to fix the ship and try to explain to the crew that they killed themself right before my eyes and I couldn't stop them?
Are they the one who blew up the ship to avoid following the narrator's instructions? I told them not to do what the voice said, but that wasn't what I meant. I begged for them not to once I realized what they were doing, but maybe I should've been more clear? I don't know.
Some versions of the captain really seemed to be trying to help. But some allowed hundreds of thousands of people to die out of… I don't even know. Curiosity? Boredom?
They threw a fire hydrant at my head once. I don't know if that's the same person on the Invincible with me now, but it makes me feel less bad about when I hit them in the head. We're both capable of violence, under the right circumstances.
I know my captain held on, saved me and ended the paradox. But I can also remember them letting go. One of the few times they listened to my begging.
It's not even like I couldn't forgive my captain if they are any of these iterations. I caused the paradox, I don't have room to judge. None of this would've ever happened if not for me. But I don't know who I'm dealing with, and I really need to.
Some iterations of the captain were cautious and careful, never resorting to violence. Some were more curious and impulsive. Some were cruel and detached. I want to know who my captain is this time because they're my friend and I should know their basic traits. But I don't. I don't know anything about them except that they didn't give up on me.
Maybe that should be enough. I'll get to know this iteration as we spend time together. I don't need to know what things they did in the past. Is it even the past? I guess technically, that stuff never happened.
It's all so complicated with this wormhole and paradox stuff. I should just focus on the here and now, where things are okay. There's plenty to think about, on a new planet with this massive colony. As head engineer, I have plenty to do. It should be easy not to think about this stuff. It should be easy.
I killed the captain once. For years and years they made me do everything, they threw me into danger, and they insulted me while doing it. Not out loud; the only consistent thing about the captain is their silence. They showed me my demerits. They punished me for crying.
They acted like they were doing me a favor by keeping me around while also putting everything on my shoulders. They messed with my genetic code to make it easier for me to serve them. It went on for so long. This version of the captain didn't care about me at all. When they used my altered genes to wake me up to bring them a pillow (they could've gotten it themself. They could've gotten it themself) I snapped.
I killed the captain.
It was still all my fault. The paradox wouldn't have existed if not for me. I never would've encountered that iteration of the captain if I hadn't built the warp core.
The captain buried me and the colonists alive once too. That was my fault. I saw how scared they were, how different and paranoid they were acting, and I did nothing. I let my best friend get to the point where they were so scared that they thought the best way to keep us safe was to bury us, and I didn't say anything.
I wonder if the universes where I died went better.
It doesn't matter. If I don't stop thinking about this stuff I'll go crazy. I'm so tired. I need to sleep.