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Hawks landed almost unsteadily on his feet. Most of the ground and the nearby buildings were covered in ice that was slowly beginning to melt. He shakily took a breath before making his way towards where Endeavor's sidekicks and a few other heroes were standing together in a circle.
One of them turned to look at him as he came closer to them. Before Hawks could say anything, Burnin lifted her hand and pointed at somewhere behind the group. "They're there," she said, tone laced with exhaustion. She didn't say anything else. Nobody did; They didn't have to. Words didn't matter anymore.
A heavy feeling settled in Hawks' stomach as he walked by the group, not even bothering to look at any of them, let alone nodding at them in acknowledgment, his gaze fixed on where Shouto was sitting on the ground next to Dabi's lying body, cradling one of his hands. His face was lowered, duo-colored hair covering his expression.
Shouto's classmate looked up from where he was kneeling beside Shouto. Iida squeezed Shouto's shoulder, and quietly said something in his ear before getting to his feet. He solemnly nodded at Hawks as he left.
Hawks couldn't remember if he returned the gesture. Everything had turned hazy. His footsteps were heavy as if he had been shackled. Something sharp pierced his chest as he stood next to the two brothers. Despite his best efforts, his gaze fell on Dabi and it took all his willpower to not fall on his knees right there and then.
Most of Dabi's face was burned, skin coming loose in many places. His jaw's skin looked to be gone, his teeth visible. The rest of his body wasn't in a better state. His clothes were burned and tattered. They were covered in ash and soot, but Hawks detected the white color of them.
"I'm not going to live much," Dabi said as they sat on the couch together. "I'm planning to attend my own funeral in the end."
Hawks couldn't remember what had prompted Dabi to say that, or what they were talking about beforehand. Thinking back on it, months ago things seemed to be easier. Easier to pretend, easier to turn a blind eye to his feelings and delude himself into believing that what he was doing was solely for the sake of his mission and nothing else.
"How dramatic of you," Hawks teased him lightly, but later, when he was writing the word 'suicidal' in his report to the Commission about Dabi, his hand had slowly trembled.
"He didn't come with you?"
Shouto's voice pulled Hawks out of his thoughts. He blinked, averting his gaze from Dabi. Shouto looked resigned, exhausted, defeated. There were blood and tear tracks on his cheeks. His shoulders were slumped as if he had been carrying a great burden. He had in a way, Hawks ruefully thought to himself.
"The battle is not over yet," Hawks was surprised to discover how shaky and weak his voice just came out. He hadn't even noticed the lump in his throat until then. "He will be here shortly," he tried to mentally gather himself, lowering himself on his knees on the other side of Dabi's still body.
"It doesn't matter anymore, does it," Shouto murmured, his hold on Dabi's hand tightening. "Touya is gone now."
Hawks glanced down at Dabi's face, at his closed eyes.
" You're a man of paradoxes. The blue of your eyes are lively, but your touch could be so deadly," Hawks was drunk, and didn't care whether what he was saying made any sense or not. He lifted his hand, still holding the glass, and gestured at Dabi with it, unbothered by his drink sloshing over the edge.
Dabi shook his head in amusement. It was rare to see him like this; so relaxed in Hawks' presence, looking so young and at ease. "Spewing poetic bullshit now, huh. You don't even look like the type."
"It's your fault," Hawks lowered his voice, shivering slightly as Dabi turned his face to look at him, vibrant blue fixed on him. His gaze was thrilling as much as it was dangerous. Hawks always liked standing on the edge, flirting with danger before spreading his wings to fly away. This time, though, he wasn't sure if he could fly away. "Hanging around you has been having a negative effect on me."
"I wish," Dabi murmured, lifting his own glass to his lips. "You're too good of an angel to become a fallen one."
"See?" Hawks said, moving his hand again to point at Dabi. "You're the poet freak here."
Hawks already missed the blue of his eyes. No other shade of that color could ever compare to the blue Dabi's eyes held in them.
Shouto whispered then, his voice trembling. "I didn't want him to die."
"I know," Hawks softly said. "It's not your fault. You shouldn't be blaming yourself for what happened."
Shouto pressed his lips and looked away, refusing to let the tears fall, but a single drop ran down his cheek. "Why did you come here? You didn't even know him." Despite the seemingly harsh words, Shouto's tone wasn't accusatory. He kept his gaze away, staring at nothing in particular.
Hawks let himself smile. One that he knew looked broken and small, pained even. He reached out a shaky hand and gently held Dabi's other hand in his, uncaring of who might be watching him.
"Give me your hand."
"What?"
Hawks grinned. "I want to read your palm."
Dabi stared at him for a moment before scoffing. "I don't have time to entertain you. Go bother someone else."
"First," Hawks rolled his eyes, "you're loitering in my apartment. Second, there isn't anyone else besides us. Now -" he reached out, taking Dabi's right hand and putting it on his thigh, palm facing up - "let's see what your palm lines tell us about you."
Despite Dabi's earlier words, he didn't protest when Hawks took his hand and examined it closely. Hawks could feel Dabi's amused gaze on him as he pretended he knew what he was actually doing. "Well?"
"Well." Hawks echoed, tracing the lines on Dabi's palm with his fingertips before gently placing his palm on Dabi's. He pushed each of his fingers into the space between Dabi's fingers, interlocking their fingers before looking up at Dabi, smiling. "We fit well together."
"He meant something to me," Hawks whispered softly. A breeze drifted by them, swaying Dabi's bangs gently as if caressing them. "But I was never brave enough to admit it."
Hawks couldn't bring himself to attend the funeral or pay the rest of Dabi's family a visit. He offered his condolences to Endeavor when he finally showed up at Kamino before leaving shortly after that. He didn't stay around to see how things would go between Endeavor and Shouto. He didn't even look back at Dabi's face for one last time. The simple gesture would have felt too much like a goodbye, a finality.
Hawks didn't want to let go.
"I want to leave a mark on this world." Dabi said. "Something significant enough that would make it hard to deny my existence."
Dawn was breaking over the city, but at that moment, time didn't feel real. It was as though everything had come to a halt, that they both were the only people left in the universe.
Hawks didn't know what to make of what Dabi said, but he tucked it close to his heart instead of filing it away to report to the Commission. He didn't know he was selfish enough to want to keep some things all to himself until getting close to Dabi.
He hadn't picked up on what Dabi actually meant, but when he said,"I will remember you," it was an earnest promise. "If you're afraid of being forgotten then I will remember you."
" I will make it impossible for you to forget me," Dabi said, not acknowledging Hawks' words as he gazed out the open window at the city. "I'm going to leave a mark on you too."
Dabi fulfilled his promise by giving Hawks the burn scars on his back. It was only fair that Hawks did the same.
(Not that he needed the burn scars to remember Dabi with, but it's not like Dabi ever believed him.)
Weeks passed as Hawks tirelessly worked alongside other heroes and went from one place to another to arrest the remaining villains and restore peace. He tried to look strong and reliable, shouldering as much burden as he could and even beyond his own limits for the sake of others, staying calm and collected in the face of danger.
"Your bones are too hollow to be able to carry heavy burdens, little bird. You will break one day."
His knees had buckled more than once, and his wings had trembled from exhaustion too many times for him to care now, but not once did he allow himself to stop. Each time, he moved forward.
"I don't know how to stop. All I know is to keep going."
Dabi let out a chuckle. It was a short, humorless sound. "Then you're going to burn out eventually."
Hawks supposed he already had. He was simply pushing forward because he couldn't afford to stop, and didn't know how to, as he had admitted to Dabi once. He had no alternative choice, after all.
"Been there, done that. You will realize I was right one day."
"Some people used to say that pointing at stars could bring bad luck."
Hawks raised a questioning brow at Dabi, lowering his hand that was pointing at a star he had just spotted in the night sky. "Why so?"
Dabi gave a nonchalant shrug as he looked up, gaze fixed on the twinkling light Hawks had shown him. "They believed in some bullshit that stars were actually gods who would curse you if you pointed at them. Also, that wasn't a star, birdbrain. It's a fucking plane."
"A what?" Hawks' head whipped up, squinting at the small twinkling light that was moving across the sky. Heat rushed to his cheeks and his feathers puffed out at hearing Dabi's chuckle. "It's not funny," he grumbled, gently smaking Dabi's shoulder with one of his wings.
"Look on the bright side. At least you are not going to get cursed."
"That's definitely a star," Hawks said to himself as he looked up at the sky. His wings had drooped, feathers in disarray and dirtied with grime and blood. "Too bad you aren't here to confirm it."
The star twinkled as if in reply. Hawks sighed before shaking out his wings and getting up to leave the abandoned roof.
Hawks hadn't set foot in his apartment in several months. Going back there after such a long time made him uncomfortable, as if something heavy was settling in his gut. He never considered that place a home. He didn't choose it, didn't decorate it, didn't spend much time there. It was simply a luxurious roof over his head. It was too expensive, and lavish for him to ever feel like he actually belonged there.
Dabi, however, had acted like he simply owned the place since he started to drop by.
Hawks had become used to coming back home from a patrol and finding Dabi sprawled on a couch or sitting at the counter. He had been mesmerized by watching Dabi walk gracefully around the furniture, picking up the books in shelves to skim through, or using the kitchen utensils that Hawks didn't even know the names of.
"I should leave my house and all it has to you in my will," Hawks joked as he watched Dabi wander around in a bathrobe. "You look good at acting rich."
With a final, deep breath, Hawks pushed open the door. As he stepped inside, his eyes fell on the couch that Dabi had claimed as his.
"It's more comfortable than the rest," Dabi said as he sank deeper into the couch. He patted his lap. "You can come and take your own seat if you want."
His heart painfully squeezed in his chest as he closed the door behind him and walked deeper into the house.
Every corner of his apartment reminded him of moments he shared with Dabi: of them sitting close at the counter as they ate take-out in silence, smoking together in the balcony, drinking together in the living room, having sex in Hawks' room.
A sad smile appeared on Hawks' lips. "How did we even manage to have a routine like that?" He asked into the silence of his home.
"Don't get used to it," Dabi said, as he bent down to pick up his coat. "It won't last long."
"I know that. Nothing does," Hawks replied from where he was sitting on his bed, watching Dabi put on his clothes and leave. Despite his own words, something in his chest ached. He longed for more.
He still did, but it was too late now.
Hawks had to actually crane his neck to see the white-haired boy who had opened the door for him. He offered him a friendly smile. "Hello! Natsuo, was it?"
Natsuo regarded him in silence, pressing his lips together.
For a brief second, Hawks thought something about his slight frown and the pensive look on his face was so similar to how Dabi used to consider him most of the time.
"Endeavor isn't home now," Natsuo said in lieu of a greeting, his voice cutting through Hawks' thoughts.
"I know," Hawks didn't even bother to feel offended by his behavior. "I didn't come here to see him."
Natsuo skeptically raised a brow, but still didn't make any move to invite Hawks inside. "If you're here to see Shouto then, he isn't home either."
"I'm not here to see Shouto either," Hawks lifted a hand to rub at the back of his neck. He glanced over Natsuo's shoulder. The hallway was dark. Nobody seemed to be home. He met Natsuo's eyes again, his smile turning awkward. "I actually came to visit your brother's shrine."
That took Natsuo off guard. His frown disappeared as he blinked down at Hawks in bewilderment.
Hawks went on. "I know it may not make sense, but we were kind of close, you see - "
"Close?" Natsuo interrupted him, bitterness seeping through his voice. "I thought you used him to get to the league."
It was as if something got stuck in Hawks' throat. "We both used each other," his voice came out more quiet than before, "but we sometimes saw eye to eye."
He wasn't willing to let anyone know that he had given his whole heart to Dabi little by little as time went on. He hadn't even told Dabi that. It was his own secret, one that he would take to his grave with him.
Natsuo sighed, finally stepping aside, silently inviting Hawks to come inside.
Hawks gave a grateful nod, walking inside the house and instantly spotting many boxes scattered around in the hallway.
"We're moving out," Natsuo offered an explanation as he followed Hawks' gaze. He walked down the hallway, motioning for Hawks to go after him. "Fuyumi, Shouto and I. Mom is finally out of the hospital. We all are going to live somewhere else."
"I see," Hawks said, not sure if he should say something else. In the end, he didn't.
They walked in an awkward silence, passing several doors until Natsuo stopped before a closed one. He hesitated for a moment before letting out a sigh, opening the door. "This used to be our room. I moved out after what happened to him at thirteen."
Hawks nodded, stepping inside the room carefully as if to not disturb anyone. Besides the shrine by the wall, a few empty shelves and a bed frame, there wasn't anything else in the room. "Must have been hard to lose him for the second time," he gently said.
"Yeah," Natsuo's voice cracked. "I wish I had gotten to see him again. I never got to give him a proper goodbye."
"Neither did I," Hawks' voice was so soft that he doubted Natsuo even heard it.
"His room wasn't bare like this. I've taken his old belongings with me. I didn't want to leave them all here with him ," Natsuo's voice was bitter once again. He glanced at the shrine. "Anyway, I'll leave you to it now. I'm in the kitchen packing up a few things if you need me."
Natsuo left after that, closing the door behind him quietly. With uncertain steps, Hawks walked towards the shrine. The young boy looking back at him from the photo was nothing like the man he had gotten to know; he had soft looking hair, round face, and dull eyes. The man Hawks knew had hair that was rough to touch. He was all sharp edges and had eyes that seemed to be lit up by a roaring fire within him.
"I know you didn't look like this from the beginning," Hawks whispered as his hand traced the staples on Dabi's face. "Sometimes I wonder what you used to look like. Or what happened to you in your past."
Dabi gave him a grin that pulled at his staples. "I'm a man of many secrets. Maybe one day, you get to know them all, but when that day comes, I'm not around anymore."
Dawn had never felt real to Hawks.
Not when he was patrolling as a hero, watching the sky turn slowly brighter as the world seemed to have freezed, deprived of any living soul besides him.
Not when, during rare occasions when he had stayed the night at his own apartment, he and Dabi opened his room's window, and stood by it while Dabi smoked, and Hawks watched him as subtly as he could, committing every line of his face to memory.
Those moments felt like a dream. Too silent, tranquil, and dreamy to feel real until Dabi caught his eye and, sometimes, leaned towards Hawks to give him a kiss on the lips. Dabi somehow always managed to ground him.
As Hawks opened his eyes now, gaze falling on the clock on his nightstand first before drifting towards the window, he wasn't surprised to see a familiar silhouette by it.
Dabi was smoking lazily, arms resting on the windowsill as he gazed out. His eyes settled on Hawks after a few moments, familiar blue piercing his soul.
Something didn't feel right, but Hawks couldn't put his finger on it. He held Dabi's gaze, letting the silence grow.
Dawn had never felt real to him. It was a time when everything seemed to be caught in-between moments; in between dream and reality, dark and light, but at that moment, Hawks couldn't bring himself to care about any of those.
Dabi was here. It didn't matter whether it was real or not; he was here, where Hawks wanted him to be, where Hawks wished he were, and nothing else seemed to be as important to him.
"Hey," his voice came out broken, the single word getting stuck in his throat, blocking the way for other things Hawks wanted to say, wished he had said when he should have.
"Hey yourself," Dabi replied after a moment.
"Shouldn't your hair color be different now?" Hawks asked, eying the black hair he had so many times ran his fingers through.
"Does it matter?" Dabi raised a brow, bringing his cigarette to his lips. "This is how you've decided to remember me anyway."
"I guess not," Hawks went silent after that, watching Dabi as he gazed out the window again. "Why did you come here?" He asked after what felt like an eternity, or maybe it was a moment later, or a minute, or an hour. Hawks didn't care enough to count the seconds.
"To return the favor; You visited me first, after all."
Hawks' heart squeezed, his throat tightening. He opened his mouth to say something, maybe to finally confess to one of the many things he had wanted to tell Dabi a long time ago, maybe to apologize for never doing so, for, somehow, failing them both even though he wasn't really sure if they were ever on the same page together.
Dabi beat him to it. "Don't even bother with any of that." It was as if he could read Hawks' thoughts. Maybe he could. He was always good at reading Hawks even when Hawks himself felt too confused about himself. "It doesn't matter anymore, does it? Your empty words can't fool anyone anyway."
"The only one I've been fooling all along was myself," Hawks was too tired, the weight of everything he had chosen to carry seemed to have finally caught up with him.
Dabi chuckled briefly, shaking his head. "Did it take my death for you to realize that? Now that you said it, it didn't change anything, did it?"
"No," Hawks' voice became quiet. Everything seemed to have turned hazy. "But I wish it could."
Dabi's face was the only thing clear for Hawks even as his eyelids started to droop, his consciousness leaving his body slowly.
"You were wrong, little bird. We never really fit well together."
Hawks wanted to argue, to reach out to Dabi and cling to him and never let go, but when he opened his eyes, it was late morning and he was alone. As if nothing had happened, as if nobody else had been there in the room.
Next to him, the curtains fluttered in the breeze.