Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

day 2, 08:00am

“Okay boys! Listen up,” Kirin shouted, holding two axes in his hands. “We need shelter, fire, and food ASAP!”

“Dude, It’s like six in the morning.” Seth rubbed his eyes and shook the sand out of his hair.

“It’s actually around eight.” Henry looked at the sun as the other guys around him in the sand groaned.

“Exactly the time to do it! Shaggy and Ralph will get food, the friends will get sticks for the fire with Jay, I’ll stand guard, and Damian and Taylor will get wood for a shelter, got it?” The group let out some tired grunts as Kirin gave Ivan and Bo their axes. 

Eventually the group disbanded barring Henry, Ivan, and Kirin, the latter two trying to convince the former to go.

“Come on Henry! It’ll only be a little bit. If I can suffer with a lacrosse boy for more than 24 hours, you can get some wood for an hour or two.” 

“No. Why can’t I stay?”

“Because, and I hate to say this, Kirin is more trust-worthy to hold down the base. Just come on!” Ivan pulled Henry’s leg up and dragged him into the forest. Henry started kicking, trying to loosen Ivan’s ungodly grip.

“Hey, wait! I don’t want to-“

“Too bad, Hot Topic! Now get up.” Ivan dropped him and pointed the axe at him. Henry scurried up and shook his head, getting all the sand out of it. “Take it, dracula. Go, chop some wood or something. You were in boy scouts, weren’t you?”

“Fine. Can you, like, pull down some loose branches that are a little taller than you?”

“Sure, anything for Daria.”

“What, do you have a whole list of nicknames for me or something?”

“Not just you, just all… emos.”

“I’d prefer to be called a non-conformist.”

“So am I, but I’m definitely not as morbid as you.” Ivan reached up towards a tree and pulled down a few branches as Henry chopped a few thick ones down from trees. “Anyways, how many do we need?”

“A bunch. We’re supposed to be here for two hours, remember?” 

“ Attitude. You and Seth are like, nothing alike.”

“And there it is. God, why can't I go for an hour without Seth coming up?”

“Do you have a vendetta against him or something?”

“Yes. Why wouldn’t I? Everyone sucks up to him ‘cuz they feel bad that he has mommy issues.”

“How about we don’t invalidate people’s trauma, okay Henry?” Ivan gave Henry a stern look before going back to pulling down tree branches.

“Whatever, forget I mentioned it.”

Minutes felt like hours as the two gathered large branches for their shelter, blissfully ignoring each other to get the task done as productively as possible. Henry enjoyed the silence, the peace, and the tranquil of it all. It was something he never got, and never thought he would ever get. 

The silence was like music running through Henry’s veins, keeping him going before the tune ceremoniously ended. It was like the motivation he never had, the little push he needed to dive off the edge.

He repeats this mantra in his head until he realizes their time is up as the sun hangs high over their heads, his hushed lullaby would have to be put to rest.

“Ivan, could you ask Kirin if we could stay out for a little longer?”

“Oh my god, we have been at this forever. Give me a break!” Ivan dropped the branch in his hand as sweat trickled from his brow. It wasn’t until now Henry realized they had been working in a trillion degree heat, and his vision became blurred. He stumbled a little and looked up at Ivan.

“But-“

“Oh yeah, we’re definitely done. Take off your shit, and get in the water. You might get heat stroke in this weather,”

“But the branches-“

“I’ll handle them, alright? Just, I don’t know, get a sip of water and cool down. Give me the sweater.”

“What? No.”

“Come on, Henry. You’re burning up! We can’t let you die out here like DJ.”

“I’m not doing it, Ivan.”

“Don’t act like a kid-“

“I’m not doing it!” Henry grabbed a majority of the branches and lumbered towards the beach.

“Fuck- You idiot! If you pass out, don’t blame me.” Ivan shouted from afar, grabbing the remaining branches and running after the sick teen.

“God, he’s supposed to know limitations. He was a fucking boy scout!” Ivan mumbled to himself as he finally made it to the beach. There, he saw Henry in front of all the boys, pale as a ghost.

“Here’s the branches.”

“Uh, we don’t need that many. Why’d you get so much?” Bo said, stacking the wood to make an effective campfire.

“Options.” Henry uttered, putting on his headphones and walking away towards a large rock.

“This fucking-“

“Hey Taylor! That’s all you got?”

“Henry took all the fucking branches and ran off. I think he has heat exhaustion, but the stupid boy scout bitch won’t accept it. Here, I’ll go get him.” Ivan gritted his teeth as he tossed the branches to Kirin, and ran off towards Henry.

“Stop chasing after me. I’m fine.” Henry took off his headphones and turned towards Ivan.

“No you’re not! I’m all for respecting boundaries and not invading privacy, but like… you’re going to die!”

“God, Ivan, don’t you get it?! You’re worrying too much about me and I’m fine and- and I-“ Henry stopped, stumbling back a little before Ivan caught him.

“Don’t-“

“You’re about to pass out.”

“No, I’m not. Stop treating me like I’m some burden that you have to take care of. Don’t overwork yourself with me, ‘cuz it’s not worth it.” Henry walked away from Ivan into the shade, before hiding behind the rock.

“God, you’re just as annoying as Kirin. See you later.” Ivan strided back towards the others to help them build the shelter.

———————————————

day 2, 10:00pm

Henry Tanaka hates comparison. They say he should be as athletic as his father was, or that he should be as charismatic as Seth, but Henry can never be that. Henry can’t be charismatic or athletic or positive. Henry can only be as annoying as Kirin, as anxious as Josh, as quiet as Raf, as attached as Scotty and Bo, or as easily irritated as Ivan. He can never be as perfect as Seth.

He could never make his mother love him as much as she loves Seth, or make as much of a mark on the group Seth has. Henry can never be as good as Seth Novak.

“Henry! Hey,” Seth ran towards his step-brother with his glasses in hand. “You coming back? It’s almost midnight.”

“Yeah, I’ll be there in a bit.”

“You okay? Ivan’s been complaining all day about you getting sick. Are you, like, actually sick?”

“No. I’ll be there, alright? Go away.”

“Come on, Henry. We were sent on this trip to bond, so why don’t we?”

“We were also sent on this trip to go to Hawaii and swim with dolphins. Sometimes things don’t go as planned.”

“Your bad attitude is bringing the group down, Henry. Just come on.”

“No.”

“Yes, you are. Come on man-“

“Why can’t anyone leave me alone today? I’ll go soon, just give me a second.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” Seth walked away while Henry stayed seated underneath the rock. When he returned back to the rest of the boys, Ivan stood up.

“And where is he? Did he bail on us again? ”

“Just… give him a sec, okay?”

Henry could hear it all, and he hated it. He didn’t want to hear them talk about him, he didn't want to hear them complain about him, he didn't even want them to compliment him. He doesn’t want to be remembered.

He walked over. They all look at him, tired and annoyed at his lack of work – though he had practically gathered all of the branches, but they didn’t know that – during most of the day. Henry sat down the farthest he could from Ivan, who was staring him down maliciously.

“Well, uh, let’s eat then!” Seth declared, and everyone, exhausted, began to dig in at a fast pace. All except for Henry, who just sat with his head bowed down.

“Are you… going to eat?” Raf asked, offering some roasted pig to Henry.

“I’m fine. You guys deserve it more anyways.”

“If you say so…” Raf had a growing look of concern on his face, and looked towards Seth. He just shrugged and continued eating his watermelon, but also looked slightly concerned.

Henry stared into the fire as the others engaged in casual conversation about sports or video games or random facts about themselves. Henry gathered that the best friends were from Florida, Josh came from an athletic family and he was the odd one out, Kirin was captain of the lacrosse team at his new school, Raf lived in Tijuana but crossed the border everyday for school, Seth doesn’t actually need glasses (though he already knew that), and Ivan has 1,000,000 followers on Insta. The only one who was left was the listener himself.

“What about you, Henry? Anything interesting about you other than that boy scout thing?” Seth asked, even though he knew a few answers, and everyone looked at Henry.

“I’m not really that interesting.”

“Come on, there’s cool things about you! Uh, you can draw, you aced AP Physics, you got early admission into uni, and you were on the volleyball team.”

“It’s not like I wanted to be on the team. My dad was the coach.”

“Still, you got on the team! That’s cool.”

“Yeah, cool, ” Henry rolled his eyes as the moon shone bright overhead. “I’m going to sleep.”

After a couple minutes, the rest of the boys also headed into the shelter to catch some shuteye, aside from Ivan who stayed sat by the fire. He buried himself in thoughts, mostly about Henry. Why did he have to be so reluctant? He didn’t seem fragile, but Ivan didn’t want to assume. Ivan had a way to confirm, and it was so close to get. 

When he assured that everyone was asleep, he looked around until he saw a black leather messenger bag. This has to be his, right? Ivan thought, opening the bag and looking through it for a notebook.

When he found it, he opened it to the first page.

PROPERTY OF

Henry Tanaka

“I shouldn’t do this.” He whispered to himself. He was going through the mind of a man who had his soul’s gates shut and locked. It was invasive, but he needed to do it. He wanted to understand this child. He isn’t even a man yet, he’s still just a boy, just like the rest of them.

We’re all just boys.

He flipped through the notebook, most of the pieces morbid or gory or both, except a few that were… anatomically correct drawings of men and women alike. There was one that stood out to Ivan Taylor, though. It was something he wasn’t meant to find, a piece of Henry’s soul set aside for the most trustworthy. It felt like something no one was meant to see, not even Henry himself. It was pain, sadness, and regret. It felt like a secret.

It was a boy, with wavy hair and glasses, rings on his fingers and heavy boots on his feet, and a child. A child who had wavy hair and glasses, rings on their fingers and heavy boots on their feet. They were meek, gentle, and they looked hurt. Both of them looked hurt, actually. The child watched the boy as the shadows ate them alive, and the boy with the rings and boots and wavy hair stood there, knife stabbed into his heart. The child’s red sweater, black dress, and white socks. All of the child was buried in darkness, while the boy stayed in the blinding light. On the blinding side of light, one sentence was written;

WHY CAN'T I HAVE MY LIFE BACK

Ivan shut the notebook immediately and placed it right where he found it. He had searched the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong person. He has been so intrigued with Henry, how you could never catch a glimpse of the real him. But right now, Ivan didn’t just catch a glimpse. He saw Henry in his whole, the true Henry Tanaka; A child. A child who grew up, who was stuck in the dark. Stuck staring at the flames, left unheard but still screaming. 

Ivan felt guilt. For silencing Henry and for making him feel like what he was saying was invalid, and treating him like a child. They were still children, but they didn’t act like them anymore.

“Shit. Fuck. Why did I-“ He cut himself off, seeing something in the bag. They were Polaroid print outs of Henry, playing electric guitar or singing into a microphone, drawing on the beach or on a bus. Henry looked happy, and it felt wrong to Ivan that it looked almost unnatural. It hurt that it looked strange and unusual, that it was almost impossible to see him this happy. Why can’t Henry smile?

This whole thing was unnatural, and as Ivan came to that conclusion, the one person who he didn’t want to awake arose from his sleep.

“Ivan, go to bed.” Henry groaned, looking at him. As he rubbed his eyes, he saw what Ivan was digging into.

“What the hell are you doing?!” He aggressively whispered, crawling over towards his back and grabbed it.

“I’m sorry. Seth said you drew and I was like, ‘Maybe I can get to know him better if I saw his drawings!’ but that was stupid and I invaded your privacy.”

“Okay?”

“But I saw this one drawing and I feel really bad for seeing it because it looked so personal, and I-“

“Which one was it?”

“It had this little girl on it, with some boy who looked like he was stabbed.”

“The piece no one was supposed to see. Great! Wonderful! This is fan-fucking-tastic!”

“Are you okay?”

“What do you think, genius?”

“Sorry. Do you want to talk about it, or..?”

“Not here. Maybe tomorrow.” Henry walked back into the shelter and sighed, never breaking eye contact with Ivan until he fell back asleep.

Chapter Text

Henry wasn’t who he wanted to be. He never was.

“Ken, be careful okay?” Henry’s mother gave her husband a kiss on the cheek, which he returned before walking to Henry.

“I’ll see you in a couple days okay? Wish us luck!”  He picked up Henry, who chuckled.

“Dad! Stop, I’m not a kid.”

“You’re 13, basically still a kid,” He said before turning towards the bus. “Everyone say bye to Henry!”

“Bye Henry!” The kids on the bus shouted.

“Why can’t I go?” Henry asked, pushing his hair out of his eyes.

“You’re not even on the team, buddy. Also, finals are this week.”

“Bleh, fine.”

“Remember to take your puberty blockers and ask your brother to help you with your testosterone shots, kay?”

“I will. Love you.”

“Love you, Henry. Buh bye!” His father boarded the bus and his mother led him back into the house. 

“We should’ve convinced him to stay, Henry. I heard there’s going to be a windstorm.”

“Oh. Well, I hope he’s safe…”

“Me too. Get your brother, we’ll go to IHOP for breakfast.”

———————————————

Henry sat on the school bus, music blaring in his ears. Music has always been an escape, from life, from people, from everything. But today, his music is shut off, for better or for worse.

“Hey, can I sit here?” A tall girl asks, seating herself before Henry could respond.

“I mean, you’re already sitting.”

“Sorry, heh… What’s your name?”

“Henry.”

“My name’s Tai! Your name is super cool.”

“Uh, thanks.” He feigned intrigue as she started talking about bands and dolphins and video games. Henry wanted her to stop talking so he could listen to his music again, but she never stopped.

“And then… Sorry, am I boring you? I should ask about you. Uh, what kind of music do you listen to? I see you have headphones.”

“Uh, Cavetown, Grimes, and The 1975 mostly.”

“The 1975? Awesome! I love them!” Henry’s mood slightly brightened when she mentioned his favourite band, and they began to talk about them until they reached Henry’s stop.

“Can I sit with you tomorrow?” Tai asked before he left, grabbing his arm and stopping him.

“Yeah.” He grinned, and hopped off the bus. The walk home was only a few minutes, but it was even less as he ran home. His dad was supposed to come home from the volleyball tournament today, and Henry was ecstatic.

As he ran through the door, the vibes in his home were completely different than his own. His mother was bent over on the couch, covering her face and making muffled sobs. Sat next to her was his brother, rubbing her back as he lightly cried.

“Niko? What…”

“Turn on the news.” Henry walked towards the coffee table, his mothers sobs getting louder as he turned on the news.

“…And our next story is about a tragedy for a tournament winning volleyball team. This afternoon, the Chicago Crowns were returning back to their hometown after winning the Junior State Volleyball Tournament. Their bus fell sideways into a ditch near I-294, killing every person in the bus including the coach, Ken Tanaka-“

Henry shut off the TV. He looked at his mother, who looked up at him. The look of sadness on her face changed to something indescribable.

“You did this! If you would’ve just told your dad to stay home-“ 

“Mom!” She lunged towards Henry as Niko pulled her back. She reached out for Henry, who just stood frozen. She kept trying to get out of her older sons grasp before she collapsed to her knees and sobbed even louder. 

“Fuck… I… I’m sorry Henry, I just-“

“It’s fine.” He left the two there as he raced up the stairs to his room. He crashed onto his bed and pulled at his hair. Yanking at it, pulling out hairs, anything to take away the pain. He tried to suppress it; Biting his lip, punching the wall, scratching his arms, but not worked. He lost the thing that kept him grounded, and now he can’t stop falling.

Henry was trapped in his mind, unable to express his distress other than screaming, so he did just that. He screamed until his throat ran dry and until he thought everyone could hear. He was drowning in feelings, something he sucks at. He can’t feel what he wants- needs to feel. He can’t feel mature, or independent, or helpful. He feels like piercing his skin, or burning his hands, or bashing his face in. 

He looks down at his hands, and they were shaking. His thin fingers and soft hands. His eyes wander to his wrists. The blood pumping and skin covering his veins. He looks at his knees. Bruised and battered and like a little boys. Everything that makes him alive is still there, but soon it will wither away just like his father.

This was the day Henry figured out his time was running out, and this was the day Henry realized he wouldn’t mind if it was all wasted away.

———————————————

The next few days were hard. He stopped going to school, and stopped leaving his room. He stopped eating or drinking and stopped sleeping. Henry wanted to wilt away like some old, broken flower. Then, there was a knock on the front door.

“Henry! Your friend Tai is here!” Henry shot up from his bed, and slightly opened the door to his room.

“Hey… I heard what happened and-“ He dragged her into his room and sat down on his bed. “Oh!-“

“Sorry.”

“For what? You are the one hurting, Henry. Don’t be sorry for the pain you feel.” She sat down next to him and looked around his room. He had a bookshelf full of song books and scorebooks, and a desk with mounds of art supplies and at least ten sketchbooks. 

“Um, your room is nice.”

“Thanks.”

“Henry, we can like, talk about it if you want. I know how you feel.”

“You do?” He looked up at her, still slouched. There was a small gleam of hope in his eyes, like there was someone who knew how much it hurt, who could tell him where all of the pain came from. 

“My sister had cancer. It was really hard losing her because I’d known her all my life, and then boom, she’s gone forever.” She looked down at her crocs, slipping them on and off every couple seconds. 

“It’s hard to get over losing something you thought you were never going to lose until you were older. I really thought… I thought he would be able to see me grow up.” 

“It’s like your whole being snaps in half, I guess.”

“It’s weird, though. I’ve never really felt this much pain, I just never really feel. ”

“I’m like, the total opposite. I feel way too much at once.”

“Weird. You’re weird, you know.”

“You too, Hen. Gonna go to school tomorrow?”

“My mom said I have to, so yep.”

“Well, I’ll see ya! Buh-bye!” She waved before running out of the room and out the door. Henry lost a giant part of himself, but he gained someone new. A constant, perhaps. No matter what she is to him, they care for each other. Not many people do that anymore.

———————————————

Henry quit boy scouts. It was a lot of pressure, especially after the stress of everything. There was one thing he kept from his “survival” experiences; Paige Sauda-Omari. He didn’t keep her per-se, but he didn’t leave her with his badges and cap.

“Henry, shut up. Lapis isn’t that bad.” Paige huddled next to Henry, whose eyes were focused on the TV.

“She is just as abusive as Jasper was, probably worse. She makes everyone feel like sh- crap. She makes them feel like crap.” They both debated for a while before the TV abruptly shut off and lightning stuck loudly outside his window. He was so shocked – pun intended – that he covered his ears and huddled into Paige’s box braids.

“Woah- Are you okay? It’s just thunder.”

“It’s so loud. I don’t like loud things that much.” He looked up at her and awkwardly grinned, and she cracked a grin.

“Is this just your excuse to cuddle me?”

“Shut up!” He chuckled and sat up straight. “Um, are we like-“

“Don’t ask, that’s weird.”

“…”

“We are, though. Don’t worry.” Henry let out a deep breath and looked at her, before his door was slammed open.

“Did you hear that thunder?!” Tai stomped into the room and tumbled onto the floor, rolling into her sleeping bag.

“Tai! Don’t just-“

“Oh, oh, oh! You were going to kiss right? Sorry!~” She whispered, hiding away into her sleeping bag as Paige and Henry sat awkwardly on the couch.

“Sorry. She’s a lot.” 

“Shush!” Tai shouted, and Paige giggled. After a few moments she made eye contact with Henry. 

She pecked his lips and smiled, before going down to her sleeping bag. There was no build-up to it, it just happened, and it felt weird. Like it wasn’t supposed to happen yet, like he didn’t want it to happen. It was too fast for him, and too fast is too much. He can’t just speed up, he has to hold onto every step and take it slow. Take it slow so it can mean something, so it’s not forgotten.

He doesn’t want anything he does to be forgotten, because there are so many “unimportant” things that mean the world to Henry. He loves how Tai’s freckles can only be seen when the sun’s high, or how Paige’s hands were nimble and warm. He loves people, and people have a time limit. He wants to spend that time loving them, not just being some person that they were friends with a couple years ago.

Henry wants to mean something, but that’s hard. It’s hard to be significant.

———————————————

Henry doesn’t know when music became his whole world, but soon that’s what it became. He started singing songs, playing instruments, listening to rhythms and beats and chorus’ whenever he got the chance. Maybe it’s because he thought of his dad and the songs they sung on road trips, like Nirvana and Joan Jett. Maybe it’s because he found Tai through music, like The 1975 and Waterparks. Maybe it’s because when Paige and him had their first real kisses they were at concerts, like Lana del Rey and The Strumbellas. 

Everything significant in his life had a melody, harmony, structure, and rhythm, and this was no exception.

“Henry, look.” Paige and Henry were looking at the bulletin board in front of the gym, and she pointed to a small light blue slip of paper.

BAND LOOKING FOR LEAD SINGER!!! >:DD PLZ CONTACT US!

Under was a free stock picture of a microphone stand with a phone number under it.

“I’m not really into… band-y stuff.”

“For real? But you gotta! You’re awesome at singing, so use that talent.” 

“You really want me to?”

“Uh, duh!”

“Okay then…” After the bell rang, Henry called the number. It rang for a few moments until someone picked up.

“Cleo Lewis, she/her, who is this?” The voice was orotund and silvery, and in the background was some punk band Henry didn’t recognize.

“Uhm, my name’s Henry. Tanaka! Uh, he/him, I want to join your band?”

“Awesome!” She turned her head away from the phone and shouted at someone. “André, someone wants to try out for lead singer. Tell Flynn, ‘kay?”

“Where do I go for tryouts?”

“Oh, they’re tomorrow just near from Kenwood Academy, in Algonquin Apts actually. Around 5:30pm.”

“I’m just a block away from Kenwood. I’ll see you there?”

“Mhm! I’m the drummer by the way. Bye bye!” She hung up and Henry shut off the phone. He could be in a band. Pretty cool.

Soon enough, he was at the tryout. He doesn’t remember much, just that there were a handful of people and he sang a song by Cigarettes After Sex. He waited a week after that, wrote some songs and watched some musicals on Youtube. Then he was in the band. He was in some band with no name with a bunch of people he didn’t know. Henry thought it was pretty cool, Niko thought otherwise.

“Henry, you can’t just join some band with strangers!”

“They’re not strangers. They go to my school.”

“Okay? This is still dangerous. I don’t want anything to happen to you, especially after dad.”

“This has nothing to do with dad.”

“I-I know but I- Just be careful. Alright?” Henry just nodded his head, before heading to Tai’s house.

Henry thought about it. It’s not that dangerous. He will be fine. He felt needed around them, like he was super important to everything they do. Paige had asked him about it, which he responded vaguely, not wanting to upset her by not inviting her. She and him have had problems recently, and he didn’t want anything else to go wrong. Hopefully nothing went wrong.

Hopefully nothing goes wrong again. Not again.

Chapter Text

day 3, 8:30am

“Wakey wakey! It’s thirty minutes past your wake up call. I got food ready for you wussies.” Kirin held up some birds, and as everyone drowsed awake, Henry looked at Ivan, and Ivan looked back. 

That’s how it works from now on, Henry figured, that they know each other on a freakishly personal level after only coexisting with each other for three days. He hadn’t even explained his drawing, but he guessed Ivan already knew what it meant on a surface level. 

“Why do we keep hunting shit if we still have food from Josh’s bag?” Scotty said, rubbing his eyes and sitting up.

“Preservation of the goods. We won’t last out here until people come for us unless we save the good stuff.”

“He’s right,” Henry began. “If we don’t save parishable food, it might become spoiled and-“

“Shut up, dude. Boring! ” Kirin groaned, sitting down after sticking the food in the middle of the boys’ circle.

“He was literally agreeing with you, you insufferable bitch.” Ivan shoved Kirin, who was kneeling next to him.

“Geez, what crawled up your ass? Just eat.” Kirin sat down as Ivan rolled his eyes and looked back over at Henry, who was still looking at Ivan. He looked away soon after as the boys began to dig in.

The boys ate quickly, apart from Henry who only took a few bites. Soon, most of them were up to their own antics; Seth and Raf talking about something Henry doesn’t really care about, Bo and Scotty playing Crazy Eights, Kirin swimming while Josh watches on a rock eating a small snack, and Henry and Ivan sitting in the shelter, drawing and writing in their own notebooks.

“Are you going to tell me what that was?” Ivan began, putting down his pen and looking up at Henry from his laying down position.

“I figured you already gathered what it meant.”

“I want to hear it from the person. You know, to confirm speculation.”

“Okay. I’m trans. Cool?” Henry finally looked up from his sketchbook, hand slightly shaking as he also put down his pencil.

“Cool. You kinda make it seem like it’s suffering, though. Is it?”

“Sometimes. You know, thinking about the past is weird when the you there is someone you didn’t want to be. It’s a stab in the gut.”

“As depicted in the work.” Ivan got up and slowly moved over to Henry. They both kept looking at each other; Not eye-contact for the most part but just at the other's face. Ivan noticed the small mole above his lip, and the way his eyebrows always seemed furrowed. Henry noticed his heart-shaped lips, and the way his eyes always had this shine to it. They felt compelled to look at each other’s features forever, basking in the other's presence.

They both stopped and looked away, realizing it would be incredibly awkward if someone caught them looking at each other. Not that Henry cared, but he really did. He detested attention, but the kind of attention Ivan gave him felt good. It’s weird, he thought, that he never felt this good, not even around Paige.

“You know, your drawings are beautiful. Like, pure magnificence,” Ivan flipped a few pages back to a simple sketch of a torso flying off the body while the legs stayed planted, organs flying about. “This one is… stunning.”

“I mean, I wouldn’t call it stunning. More like… grisly and crude.”

“That’s pretty to some people.” 

“By some people, you mean me. ”

“Exactly!” They both laughed, and looked at a few more pieces in silence before Henry closed the book. “What’s wrong?”

“Sorry. For being a dick yesterday. I’m used to having to argue, so it comes, like, naturally.” Henry looked down at his knees as Ivan looked at him.

“It’s okay. We’re friend-ish anyways, so apology accepted. Don’t look so down in the dumps anymore.” Ivan shoved him playfully, and Henry smiled a little. He was never a “touchy” person. In fact, physical content usually made his skin crawl, or made his stomach turn. But as with everything, it was different with Ivan. He wanted Ivan to shove him or play with his hair, maybe lay his head on his lap. He wanted Ivan to touch him, feel him.

Wait, that sounds weird, Henry cringed in his mind before deciding to come back to real life for a bit. He saw Raf laughing with Seth, Bo grinning at Scotty, and Kirin having the time of his life in the water. He looked back over to where he was, and he determined he was having the time of his life too, just not in the big, egomaniac way if that was a thing.

Ivan leaned on the left side of Henry’s body, writing something about… something. The back of Ivan’s head was nestled in the nape of Henry’s neck – just barely because Ivan was taller than him – as their breaths were in tandem with each other. Henry longed for something like this, some sort of connection that just comes naturally for him. He wasn’t sure if it was the same for Ivan, but he knew it was true for himself.

“Henry, Ivan! Come on out here,” Seth shouted into the shelter. “Wanna play Crazy Eights with us?”

They looked at each other, before nodding their heads to join the other boys. The moment stuck in Henry’s mind as he played, sneakily glancing at Ivan for most of the game. 

———————————————

The sun was beginning to set and the day was slow. The pair spent most of the day playing cards with the other boys or doing whatever in their notebooks. Eventually, even Kirin was tired out, but of course, he still wanted some work done.

“Taylor, Damian, make yourselves useful and try to find some more water for us. We’re running out of Jay’s water.” He held up two metal water bottles and sent the pair off. Neither really wanted to go, for Ivan because “Mother Nature didn’t agree with him”, and for Henry because he quit boy scouts for a reason. The outside always reminded him of his dad, because he got Henry into boy scouts. Henry still embraced the music his dad loved, but nature was too much. They used to go out on hikes, ski trips, camping sites, anything that was outdoors. 

Henry thought about the time they went to this lake when he was nine and it was just them. No mom, no brother, just Henry and his dad. They swam and barbecued, and had an amazing time. After that, they were never alone. It had never been just them, and Henry regretted that.

If they were doomed on this island, Henry would regret everything.

“God, how long do we have to look for?” Ivan grumbled, leaning against a tree as he fanned his face with his hand.

“We could just… hang out here for a while. Tell them we couldn’t find anything.”

“What if someone comes looking for us and sees us just standing here?”

“Say we were on our way back.” Henry dropped beside Ivan, knees to his chest as he leans sideways onto the trunk of the tree. The bark scratched at his skin like sandpaper, and the crunch of twigs and leaves crunched in his ears louder than it should have. 

“Seth’s your step-brother, right?”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t have to answer, but may I ask what happened to your dad?” Ivan said as he also sat down. He wasn’t looking at Henry, just off into the deep forest ahead. He didn’t know what Ivan was thinking, but he knew there was no malicious intent and that Ivan just wanted to build the trust they lost on the second day.

“He died when I was 13. Got in a car accident cuz’ there was a major wind storm, and my mom remarried a couple months later.”

“Months? Like, how many?”

“6, I think. I guess it was to cope, but it didn’t really work. We fight a lot, and people are always like ‘I am so sorry for you’.” Henry laughed at himself for being so pitiful. His life is shit and people feel bad for him. He doesn’t want people to feel bad for his distasteful, pathetic self.

“That sucks. For the both of you, I mean.” They sat in silence for a bit before Ivan, the chatterbox he is, asked another violently private question Henry was oddly open to giving an answer to.

“Did you ever really get along with Seth?” 

“No. He’s a little shit.”

“But he’s probably done at least one good thing over the years.”

“Only to get praise from my mom and his dad for being the ‘best’ brother.” Henry started to pull at his hair and bite his lips. His heart was pounding in his ears and everything seemed a little bit louder every second passing. Stress always caused him a sensory overload, and everything always stressed him out; Remembering things from the past, experiencing things from the present, and thinking about the future.

“That’s shit. Fuck him, honestly. He gave off bad vibes anyways.” Ivan looked at Henry, who was biting his bottom lip so hard it was about to bleed. “Hey, are you…?”

“I’m fine. I’ll be back, but give me a…” Henry ran from Ivan before he could explain himself. The trees looked so much sharper and taller, and the fibers on his shirt felt like needles piercing into his skin. He kept walking and walking until his legs gave in.

He put his headphones over his ears and closed his eyes. He realized just now that everything he ever knew was in the past, and nothing will be the same going forward. He realized he’ll probably never see his mom or step-dad again. He realized he’ll never see Paige again. He realized he’ll never see anyone he knew before other than the devil himself, Seth Novak. He would rather bury himself in all the sand on this island than spend another day watching Seth manipulate people into liking him.

Seth had done good things, but the cons always outweighed the pros.

“Henry? Are you alright? I didn’t mean to upset you, I just wanted to know what caused such… malice towards him.” Ivan cautiously stepped towards the distraught boy. Henry’s face reddened as his heart rate began to slow. For the love of all that is good, he did not want someone to see him like this, but at least it was Ivan.

“Um-“

“You don’t have to talk. I’ll just be here, as per usual.” Ivan tentatively sat on a log not far from Henry. The latter boy just calmed himself down, pulling at his hair and taking deep breaths.

“Thanks. Don’t tell.” Henry’s voice hitched, and he looked at Ivan. He invited himself over to sit right next to Henry, who leaned his head on his shoulder.

“Can I…?” Henry nodded and Ivan gently put his arms around Henry, stroking his hair.

“You know, I never let anyone touch my hair. Not even my ex-girlfriend.”

“ Girlfriend? Are you… straight?!” 

“No! Gods, no! I’m bi.”

“Oh good, then my gaydar would be severely off for the first time in my seventeen years of living.” They both laughed as Henry melted into Ivan’s arms. He got the touch he wanted, that’s for sure.