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The open wound littered across his arm is not supposed to be there, though the blade he’s holding now says otherwise. How many years has it been like this? How many years has he spent stuck in this dreadful routine?
Run, hide, cry, hurt, and repeat.
That is all what Megumi does when facing such tremendous pressure, that is all he does even as a teenager.
Maybe bad habits won’t just leave your life that fast, not in the span of his lifetime at least.
He can’t quite recall precisely when he started all this ‘coping mechanism’,
He was just a child back then, gotten roped in fights with his dad and his former mother.
His old mother wasn’t a bad person, but she wasn’t a good one either. She never turns an eye on the sayings that his father spews at him every single day, not even the hitting. Megumi doesn’t judge her anyways; she’s probably scared that if she was to step in, she’d be the beating dummy next.
She left him and his wicked father after living for four years or so.
Toji was not his favorite person in this household. All he recalls is just constant abuse and bad feelings piling up with each other. To bring his father’s name to speak aloud is like attempting to drink poison itself. Maybe that’s where it all started.
Okay not “maybe”, it surely is where it all begun.
The path to his bathroom was engrained on the back on his mind, and even by pure reflex he could run there in just an instant without opening a single eye that’s usually flooded by tears.
At first, he would just hide there, since he knew that the bathroom key is lost for months by now; but when he grew, he started to adopt some bad habits.
One day, it all went for the worse and better. Tsumiki was introduced as his big sister, and his father married her mom. While his new sister seems okay, he’s still wary about how they would treat him. Would it all just be like his old mother back then? Just a silent watcher, but now with added Tsumiki to scar next. Well, it didn’t happen gratefully; they left him and his sister alone, forever.
It would’ve been easier if he knew Tsumiki a little bit better before both of his parents left, at least he wouldn’t felt as awkward with his new sister here.
Tsumiki is a kind soul, she’s the type of person to not hurt a fly. Such a caring person and a bright girl. She taught him a lot of things, from animals to technologies. He never knew that there’s a bigger version of dogs called wolves. Megumi wonders if he could pet one someday, Tsumiki says the white ones only lives near snow.
He didn’t even know that stars can form shapes that somehow means something. Constellations didn’t intrigue him too much; it’s just lines, crosses, or some pentagon. But he thinks that his sister is cool, that she knows all these stuff just from books. Deep down, he hoped that his father talked about things like these instead of “money on head” or something, it’s wayyy more interesting and nicer talking with Tsumiki.
Despite his closeness in grade school with Tsumiki, he’s a bit distanced when he hits junior high school. He became violent, demanding justice and equality. It was truly a noble cause, not aimless assault and bullying; but Tsumiki saw otherwise.
The first time he had beaten up a group felt fulfilling, like it was something fair to do. They picked on his underclassmen without a reason, it’s not that he needed to defend or even are friends with them; It’s just justified to fight fire with fire, it icked him to breathe the same air as ones who would just turn like his corrupt father. “If you hit me, then I’d do the same” right? It kinda works on if you hit others too.
He won the battle, he’s strong anyways.
The air was tense when he got back home.
Tsumiki sat in silence while eating dinner. Usually their dinner time would be full of “how was your day?” or “You didn’t fight again did you?”, but today was a bit difference. Tsumiki looked frustrated, in anger, and sad, all at the same time. Finally, with a choked tone she mustered out a question “Why did you beat up those group of kids?”.
It’s really no use on explaining to her his ideals and belief. He had stated it again and again, that those kind of people simply doesn’t have a place on that school, heck the world. His sister always seemed so taken aback by his comments though there is no element of surprise in it.
“Does it just take you more than a year to convince you that I did this for justice, for what’s right?”
“But it isn’t right Gumi, nothing, and I mean NOTHING justifies being hostile to one another!”
Gumi? He hasn’t heard that nickname for years.
Toji used to call him that when he was a kid, when his father isn’t that abusive and going mad. His father also used it to introduce Megumi to his sister back then. “This is my little Gumi, say hi to your new sister Tsumiki!” Toji’s voice was laced with honey and sweet façade, a final lie and goodbye before he abandoned his kids.
“Don’t call me that, you’re not him.”
“You’re not even my real sister, don’t tell me what to do!”
Realizing what he said, he quickly shuts his mouth and ran. He ran away to the only place he’d feel safe in, the bathroom.
Oh god, he’d done it. He finally had snapped on the only person that cares about him, that gives a single damn about whether he’s alive or not, about whether he was feeling okay or not. He shouldn’t have screamed, he shouldn’t have uttered such terrible words at his sister.
He couldn’t bear to waste a second, seeing Tsumiki’s face falter from concern and frustration to pure sadness and guilt. Her tears fell from her face as she stood in shock, such raw anger is never displayed from the always-silent Megumi.
His breathing was erratic, his hands can’t stop shaking, his mind is fuzzy and he feels like dying. He’d hurt someone that he loved very dearly, the only person that had sticked with him since what he felt like forever. He remember a lecture about mental health a week ago, on how people should cope healthily when feeling bad. Ironically, he remembers that the woman said to avoid harmful alternatives, yet tried it.
Grabbing the same razor he used for his face, he began slicing his wrist out of impulse. His father was right when he said that he was useless, that he lacks respect and deserved all the hurt he’d felt. His father was just helping to correct him, just trying his best as a father to fix his own child. But Megumi is so worthless and unwilling to grow that his father gave up on him, left him with Tsumiki’s mom to be happy together with.
It did feel better to punish himself, to give what he always deserved all the time. All he does is be a burden to others, be a burden to his father and to Tsumiki. No wonder that people leave him so much, it’s just a matter of time when someone realizes that he’s just not worth the time.
Tired crying, he slept on the bathroom, scared for tomorrow.
He’s scared that Tsumiki would probably be gone by day.
Waking up, he found himself tucked in his futon. His arm was bandaged, and Tsumiki was asleep, hugging his other arm with a death grip. The white-haired man was here, what was his name again? Gojo yeah.
Gojo used to visit them both every single day when they’re little. It all happened three month or so after their parents left.
He didn’t like the strange man, saying that he’s special and magical. But he promised to take good care of them both, whatever it means.
But he did come everyday since then, every afternoon or late when it hits dinner time. His visits seem to lessen when he finishes grade school, Gojo either told them that it was a business trip or his boss was weird and giving his group weird tasks.
While his visits are not as frequent, he didn’t think much about it.
Gojo wasn’t a big part of his life, he just brings in food sometimes, souvenirs too after his trips.
He enjoyed the company nonetheless.
The week prior, he told them both that he’d be going on a special mission. Gojo was going for a two weeks, not a big deal and he won’t miss much of that mop head.
Apparently he came back early, it has been just a week or so after that little announcement.
He’s now stuck in bed as long as Tsumiki wouldn’t let go of his other arm.
On the corner of his eyes, Megumi saw Gojo bringing some food ingredients. He was mumbling things and putting vegetables in a pot. While searching for some bowls, Gojo seems to notice that Megumi was awake.
“Are you awake yet Megumi?”
Gojo’s question was met with silence. Megumi pretends to sleep, avoiding upcoming questions.
“Megumiii, my six eyes don’t lie~”
Okay he got him there.
Megumi woke up with a groan, releasing himself from Tsumiki’s death grip.
“Yeah I’m awake, what are you doing here old man”
The mop head snickered at that remark, good old Megumi insulting people.
“I would ask you too, what are you doing last night young man?”
His tone wasn’t coated with malice, Gojo genuinely seemed concerned for him.
Megumi averted his eyes, not knowing where to start with any explanation. The older man seemed to notice his anxiousness. Of course Megumi would be apprehensive, his mind and body both went for a ride last night.
Regret and guilt filled him again,
“I-I said some bad things to Miki last night, I just feel very guilty”
Gojo came closer and sat beside him. He just listened and wrapped Megumi into a silent hug.
His infinity was off, he hadn’t felt warmth so close from anyone than Miki.
Tears was more than flowing that morning, it was flooding.
Gojo released the hug and gently caressed his injured wrist.
“I won’t force you to tell me every detail, but could you tell me on why you considered doing this?”
Megumi chuckled bitterly, “I deserved to hurt anyways, I’ve hurt everyone who loved me, and it’s just gonna be time when you do leave and hate me too”
Oh goodness, who made this boy feel like he needed to hurt.
“You know you don’t mean anything by that dear” Gojo held his face, wiping his tears away.
“Yeah, sorry” Megumi replied with a sob.
They both just stayed there, cuddling until Tsumiki woke up and joined in with tears and a lot of apologies.
“Hey Megumi”
“Yeah Gojo-sensei?”
“Please let me know when you ever feel this way again alright? You highschoolers have phones right?”
“Yeah, sure.”
There’s a lot of unpacking to do for Megumi to get rid of his bad habits. And there’s a lot of steps to take to change that mindset.
He’s just happy that Gojo and Tsumiki is there along the way.
But where was him right now?
On the bathroom of Jujutsu Tech’s building, weeping all his sorrows after hearing that the people marked are going to die soon.
Tsumiki was marked by some curse right after he just finished high school. The sweet, kind, and caring sister of his is forced to sleep and fall into a long coma.
Great, he lost both his parents and now he’s going to lose the one and only family member that took responsibility and changed his life for the better.
Tears was streaming down his face, he should’ve stopped his sister from doing that silly high school horror challenge. He could’ve changed things, but he didn’t, he didn’t change anything.
Now he’s forced to live by the fact that he did this, that he could’ve but missed or maybe purposely killed her sister by not warning her that time.
He knew what curses are back in that age, he knew, yet he never uttered a single word about it.
Another bad habit he has aside from cutting is self-deprecation.
He’s lost sense of touch with what is his fault or not, with what’s reality or not.
All he does is bury himself with blame and pity, again and again, back and back.
The razor in his hand felt heavier that the one he held after that one argument with Miki. He felt powerless, guilty, and mad. Why couldn’t he make a dent in Miki’s future by doing at least what a good brother would do.
Megumi deserved the hurt for killing his sister, he deserved to feel the dread and pain for letting such things to happen.
At least, he would remember that these cuts symbolize his failed attempt on being a decent human being who’s capable of caring about others.
In the midst of pure panic and stress, he suddenly remembered what Gojo said back then, to contact him when he feels like this again. It wasn’t a frequent occurrence, but he does need help sometimes.
Megumi searched his pocket for his phone, fumbling while he frantically dialed Gojo’s number.
*beep* *beep*
“Yo Megumi? What’s up!”
He heard Gojo took a sharp breath after hearing his shaky voice.
“C-Could you come here for a bit, the bathroom as usual”
“On the way, please don’t leave the call bub”
“yeah s-sure”
Footsteps was heard outside of the door, Megumi opened the door crying.
Even when he’s a teenager now, the look on his face mirrors a vulnerable boy who just needed to be loved.
Gojo just pulled him on a tight embrace, muttering words of love and kindness.
“You’re okay, you’re okay, nothing can hurt you while I’m here”
He did that again, deactivated his infinity just for him. Let him feel the warmth, the embrace of someone loving and kind, of a teacher and something of a father.
“Thanks”
Megumi might be facing an awful situation, but they’re always there. His family is always there, from Tsumiki, Gojo, and later; his friends. He just needed a little bit more time to take everything in.