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In all honesty, Midoriya probably should have known better than to follow Aizawa into Nezu’s office. He was aware it was a bad idea whilst doing it, but under the promise of Capri Suns, he’d gone in. Now, he was facing the consequences of his decisions.
He glanced from side to side, eyes scanning the people in front of him. The first of five was All Might, a concerning look on his skeletal face. On his left was an unfamiliar police officer, next to him was a frustrated looking Tsukauchi, and to his side were Nezu and Sansa, with Nezu using Sansa's shoulder as a chair.
Midoriya looked back at Aizawa, an expression of betrayal etched on his face.
"Midoriya! I suppose you're wondering why you're here," Nezu began, to which the student responded with a look of pure hatred directed at him.
"Yeah, I'd appreciate an explanation."
"Well," Nezu clapped his paws together.
"I'm afraid that there have been suspicions that you've been conspiring to kill All Might."
Midoriya let out a short bark of laughter.
"Is this about the time I said I'd kill All Might for a quirk? Because that was a joke."
Nezu exhaled softly, an empathetic look in his eyes. He glanced at the officer and indicated for them to speak.
"This is about the kidnapping you participated in about five months ago."
Midoriya rolled his eyes and scoffed.
"Participated in," He mocked.
"As if I had a choice."
The officer raised his hand to silence him, an action frowned upon by every other occupant of the room.
"It says here that you listed off multiple ways to take the life of the former number one hero."
Midoriya rolled his eyes.
"I was just frustrated okay, they were bad at murder and it's literally their job, yet they failed repetitively, so I just proved that anyone could do it. I could do the same with anyone if I thought hard enough."
He frowned, crossing his arms and glaring to the best of his ability at the stranger.
"If this is an interrogation, though, I'd prefer a lawyer. We both know I can't have an adult, but following the law you enforce is the least you can do."
The officer looked to Tsukauchi for assistance, but he turned away, obviously not on the same side.
Midoriya sighed, rubbing his forehead in a shadow of sympathy, much more than the officer deserved.
"Look, give me a person, any person, and I'll list off twenty five ways to kill them, then you can see that this wasn't premeditated and I'm not a fucking villain." Midoriya stalked over to the sofa and sunk into the soft fabrics.
The police officer reddened slightly and blurted out the first name in his mind.
"All For One! If you're a villain, you'd never give away his weaknesses, if you’re not, this should be easy." A smug look made its way onto his face at his supposed genius moment.
A shrill laugh made its way from Midoriya’s mouth. He relaxed his hands from the tight grip they’d had on the fabric of his trousers.
“One, poison, easy. Find someone with a quirk that allows them to change the elemental composition of gases and ask them to change his oxygen to hydrogen cyanide or something of the sorts.”
Midoriya risked a glance at Nezu, to see if he was doing the right thing. The child eating grin he got in retaliation was more than enough information for him to continue.
“Two, get your hands on the quirk erasers left behind from Overhaul, we all know the government has a ton stashed away somewhere in case a hero turns corrupt.”
The police officer stirred uneasily. Aizawa looked positively feral.
“Three, allergies. I’ve looked into the records thanks to Nezu and Tsukauchi here, and All for one has a pretty severe allergy to deodorant, it’s pretty easy to spot if you’re in a room with him for more than five minutes, but of course, someone of your ranking wouldn’t have even layed eyes on the man.”
Internally, under all the hate that filled his heart, Aizawa felt pride swell in his heart; he was proud that Tsukauchi’s kid had already learnt how to be passive aggressive and offensive without going too far, and control the room without being demanding.
“Four, pull the plug. I get that it has a few ethical problems, but the dude’s a mass murderer who groomed a child into becoming his successor almost directly after he accidently killed his entire family. Electricity manipulation is a common enough quirk, so it wouldn't be too hard to find someone to do it.”
Taking a slow sip of his tea, Nezu sighed as if the teenager’s murder plans were a lullaby.
“Five, Use Eraserhead’s quirk to erase his own and kill him as you would a normal person, quick, easy and fun for the whole family!” Midoriya’s voice took on a sarcastic tone as he ended the sentence, one that every other adult, bar the one he was addressing, felt a slight pang of jealousy.
“Six, Shigaraki’s quirk. Find someone with a convincing or mind control quirk, get them to control Shigaraki so that he kills All For One, Shigaraki is pretty much his own child, even if he is a shit parent, he’d be the last person that would kill him.”
Midoriya didn’t leave a second for anyone to fit a word in, barrling straight onto the next method.
“Seven, Eri’s quirk. Although we all know All For One is the scum of the earth, he’d never harm a child like that, my guess is that it reminds him of his childhood, and he wouldn’t wish it on anyone else.
I’m side tracking here slightly, but it would also make sense of the line of murders directed at orphanages and foster homes where the adults were neglectful or abusive.
But anyway, it would allow her to get in and reverse him before he has the chance to do much. If someone less lethal were in charge, you could also transform him into a child, much like the Shigaraki incident, and attempt to rehabilitate him.”
Tsukauchi remembered that case; no tears were lost, needless to say.
“Eight, use Shinsou and his quirk to trick him into giving his vitality quirks and whatever keeps him alive at this age to a cat. No, I will not go into this further.”
“Nine, using a large scale distraction, use Monoma Neito’s quirk to copy All For One and steal the original, which would either come with all the other quirks attached, or remove the factor that makes it possible for him to have so many quirks along with his brain function, so he’d dead either way.”
Aizaza did not, by any means approve of one of the students being brought into the conversation, let alone two, along with a traumatised child, but the reason for the greenette’s speed was to move fast enough that the officer wouldn’t remember them, therefore making sure hypotheticals don’t mysteriously become a reality.
“Ten, just use Overhaul’s quirk in general.”
“Eleven, find someone with a presence-erasing quirk, that is immune to the types of quirks he has, and send the bitch Endeavour in to kill him.”
From his position on Sansa’s shoulder (Which probably wouldn’t last much longer, given how badly his friend’s legs were shaking from the strain of standing for too long) Nezu could see a tear drip from the officer’s face. He swiped his tongue over his teeth in a non-verbal threat.
“Twelve, find someone with a quirk that lets them disrupt or change the speed of function of the vital organs of others from a distance and pay them a ton to give him a heart attack. I would say ‘you’d be surprised what people do for money,’ but you’ve seen the climbing cost of living, and you’re literally a cop, so I’m sure you’re fully aware.”
The cop in question mentally debated handing in his badge on the spot, before remembering that his legs felt cemented in place under the watchful stare of everyone in the room.
“Thirteen, brainwash Kurogiri to just deposit him in Tartarus the next time he needs to go somewhere, Kurogiri is his right hand man, so he wouldn't see it coming."
Immediately after finishing the sentence, Midoriya yawned.
"Sorry, I was too busy looking for a will to live to sleep."
Completely ignoring the concerned look sent from Tsukauchi, he continued with his list of ways to kill someone.
"Fourteen, headshot him. Get your best sniper, affect them with a presence-erasing quirk and aim for the head. If the bullet's affected with enhanced speed, it should kill him before he has time to use a quirk."
Sansa risked a glance at his watch from his position on the floor, which he'd been on for the last five minutes.
"Fifteen, get Koda to convince a poisonous scorpion or spider to bite him, the chances are he'll die." He clapped his hands once to draw more attention to himself than the point he'd just made.
"Sixteen, drop him in a quirk proof aquatic enclosure with stone fish. The motherfuckers have evolved, just like us, which means their venom is strong enough to kill him in one sting."
Internally, the officer shuddered; if the teenager wished it, he would be dead the second he wanted. He dared not show his fear on the outside, he'd heard children could smell it.
"Seventeen, use the same presence eraser and give him some good old blunt force trauma, in and out and done, easy as that."
Marching straight on, he began to count the remaining attempts on his fingers.
"Eighteen, drop him in the middle of the ocean, All For One doesn't seem like the type of guy to have quirks to help him with that."
He held one finger up.
"Nineteen, carbon monoxide poisoning, easy, next!"
He put a second finger up.
"Twenty, alright now, I've seen the quirk registry and I know there are at least sixteen people out there with quirks causing immediate death, which could have all been used to kill him"
A third finger was put up and the officer felt a drop of sweat drip onto his pristine shirt.
"Twenty one, decapitation, quirks are a consciously used thing, which requires activation via the brain, so if he has no head, he can't use any in his dying moments."
Midoriya looked up without really seeing as he put up a fourth finger.
"Twenty two, slip some uranium into his food supply. Uranium has some of the strongest alpha particles out there, which means if ingested, he'll die much quicker than most other types of radiation."
Midoriya had spent a single night researching radiation, and boy was he glad for it. Another finger went up.
"Twenty three, get some radioactive material with type beta radioactive decay and a long ass half life and stick in on his clothes."
Taking a long sip of his 'water', (Vodka in a plastic bottle) Tsukauchi began his triweekly wondering of how his life ended up like this.
"Twenty four, give him the flu. He dies. Easy."
The police officer had since broken down into tears and was being denied sympathetic pats on his back by the room's occupants.
"And finally, twenty five. Last but not least, just yeet him into space."
With eight fingers up, he opened his hands and brushed them off from the weight of coming up with twenty five murder plans on the spot.
"Alright!" Nezu clapped his paws together.
"Seeing as that's sorted, I think it's time we all go home and relax, alright?"
Everyone gladly exited the room.
"What the fuck? You traitor!" Midoriya hissed at Tsukauchi.
The adult held up his hands in a calming manner.
"Hey, hey, don't you want to get some pringles on the way back home? Can't do that if I'm dead."
Midoriya gently punched his shoulder.
"Fucking fine."