Work Text:
Jeonghan was five years old when he first met Joshua.
It was just a simple day, the sun shining brightly in the sky while he was busy playing in the playground. His parents were busy at that time, and his nanny went to another place, telling him to stay put until she came back. He knew she would hang out with her friends or maybe meet her lover, yet he still nodded in response.
It felt lonely. To experience that at a young age. To be alone with no one else by your side. The situation didn’t feel right for him. It wasn’t the same as what he saw on television shows or movies. He didn’t know whether the things he watched were the reality he should’ve experienced today, or whether the things he watched were actually an imagination, a fantasy that people created just to give people a feeling of comfort and happiness by seeing them.
He looked at the other kids in the playground with their parents— whether it was their mother, their father, or both. They looked cheerful. They looked like what a kid should be encountering as they grew.
But what choice could he have? Knowing the situation, he couldn’t do anything about it. He was only five years old. He was just a kid that had nothing but himself.
Frustrated, he kicked the sandcastle he had been building for half an hour now and then regretted it afterward.
“Ahhh, why did I do that!!!” Jeonghan said and stomped his feet. “I worked so hard for it!!! So stupid, Jeonghan. So stupid!!!”
“Do you need help?”
Jeonghan got startled when he heard an unfamiliar voice. When Jeonghan looked around, he saw a kid with a beret on his head and a smile on his face.
“Who are you?” Jeonghan asked.
“I’m Joshua!” he said and showed a beaming smile. “We moved here yesterday! My mommy said I should go and have friends today while they’re still fixing some things at our house. So here I am!”
“Go away,” Jeonghan said and knelt down to fix the sandcastle he had ruined a while ago.
“Eh? Why would I do that?” Joshua asked, tilting his head. “I can’t think of a reason to leave though?”
“I don’t like you,” Jeonghan said, not looking back at Joshua.
“But whyyyyyyyyy?” Joshua pouted. “Is it because I didn’t give you candies? Should I get one for you?”
“I don’t like sweet things,” Jeonghan answered. “It makes my teeth hurt.”
“What do you want then?”
“To you to go away.”
“But I can’t accept that!”
Jeonghan stood and looked at Joshua. “You’re distracting me from building my castle!”
“You’re making yourself be distracted!” Joshua said.
“That’s why you should leave!”
“But I want to befriend you!”
“And I don’t want to! You’re so annoying!”
Joshua stopped talking. Tears were forming in his eyes, and before he knew it, he was already crying.
“But–w–why!!! Am I–am I really an–annoying? I–I j–just… I just want to be your friend and… and… I want to h–help you! I… l–like b–building c–castles too!”
Jeonghan started crying as well and hugged Joshua.
“I–I’m s–sorry! I just… I… I’m mad! A–and… I–I’m sad too… because… because… y–you might–you might not like being my… my… my friend when… when… when we grew old!”
Their cries were getting louder that it had attracted many people around them. But they didn’t care. They were kids anyway.
Once they were no tears left to cry, Jeonghan released the hug and raised his hand for a handshake.
“I’m Jeonghan. From now on, we’re friends, okay?” Jeonghan smiled.
Joshua nodded and smiled too. He held Jeonghan’s hand and accepted the handshake. “Okay!”
They built a castle after that. It wasn’t perfect, but it was something that made them satisfied. It was full of love from two people who met for the first time and became friends.
Joshua invited Jeonghan for dinner later on. Jeonghan was initially hesitant, scared that his nanny might scold him for not telling her his whereabouts. But Joshua’s mother assured him that it would be alright and she would deal with it.
It was a fun day.
He’s sure he would treasure it until he got old.
Jeonghan was ten years old when he got in trouble.
He was getting teased by some kids from school. They said he was weak, not that good, and was an orphan because his parents didn’t attend any homeroom meetings that included the students’ parents.
That made him go feral. He knew those words weren’t true. He knew that they were all just some silly insults. But still, hearing those words got stuck in his head, and it was not good. Not good at all.
So he punched them. He fought back. He wanted to show them that he wasn’t weak. That he was good than they thought. He screamed words like ‘I am not an orphan!’ ‘I have a mom and a dad!’ ‘You don’t know anything about my family so shut up!’ ‘SHUT UP!’
Of course, the outcome wasn’t great. All of them were sent to the guidance office, including their parents. And since Jeonghan’s parents weren’t around, as usual, Mrs. Hong acted as his guardian. It should’ve been his nanny, but he was scared about his parents finding out about it once she reported about Jeonghan’s day. Good thing Mrs. Hong was nice, although he knew she would still scold him once the meeting was done.
When everything had been resolved, and they were given punishments due to their inappropriate behavior, they waited for the kids and parents to go out first before they left.
Jeonghan was surprised when he saw Joshua waiting outside.
“Shua-yah, what are you doing here?” Mrs. Hong asked.
“I heard Hannie was sent to the guidance office. That’s why I went here after class to check,” Joshua said and looked at Jeonghan’s face. “Wah, your face looks horrible!”
Jeonghan tsked. “That’s just a scratch. I’m still handsome as ever.”
Mrs. Hong and the two of them started walking through the corridors.
Joshua rolled his eyes. “You’re so bad at lying. Anyway! You should come with us on the way home. I’ll treat your wounds!”
“My wounds might hurt more when you do that,” Jeonghan said.
Joshua frowned. “I’m good at healing wounds, though! Right, mommy?”
Mrs. Hong laughed, “Mommy will treat Jeonghan’s wounds instead, okay?”
Joshua seemed displeased about that, but since he trusted his mother, he said, “Okay! Treat them well, okay mommy? I will be sad if he doesn’t get better.”
“You’re such a baby, Shuji,” Jeonghan commented. “Let’s go home, Mrs. Hong!”
“Jeonghan-ah, I told you to call me mom already,” Mrs. Hong chuckled.
“Shuji said he doesn’t approve of that,” Jeonghan said.
“Yah!” Joshua exclaimed. “I never said that! And I told you to stop calling me Shuji!”
“But that’s your name though? Shuji? Joshuji? Joshu from Joshua and Ji from Jisoo! You have two names right?”
“Yes but still—”
The two of them kept on bickering until they arrived home. Mrs. Hong had a lot of laughs because of how cute Jeonghan and Joshua were.
She was so glad they had each other.
Jeonghan was thirteen years old when he discovered love.
Joshua asked him once while they were in the living room of his house, “Jeonghan-ah, have you loved someone?”
Jeonghan got weirded out by the question. “Yeah, I have. Why did you ask?”
“You have?” Joshua said with a shock on his face. “Who?”
“You of course!” Jeonghan said.
Joshua’s eyes widened, and when he was going to say something, Jeonghan added, “And Mom too! And then our friends too! And oh, Mingyu’s dog too!”
Joshua gave him a judging look.
“What?” Jeonghan suddenly asked. “Why are you staring at me like that?”
“Not that kind of love, dummy!” Joshua said and hit Jeonghan on his shoulder.
“Ow! That hurt, Joshuji!” Jeonghan said and massaged his shoulder. “What kind of love are you even talking about? Isn’t this love?”
“Well, yeah. But like, I’m talking about love romantically.”
“What do you mean romantically?”
“When you stare at someone and then you get butterflies in your stomach. When you feel happy even though you’re having a bad time because you have them by your side. When you want to be with them forever!” Joshua explained cheerfully.
“Eh? How are you sure that is romantic love?”
“You know Seungcheolie? Our classmate?”
“Yes…? What about him?”
“You see…” Joshua said, getting shy and all. “I felt those things with him and when I asked Seungkwanie about it, he said it’s love!”
Jeonghan snorted. “Why do you even believe in any word Seungkwan says? He’s not trustworthy at all!”
“It’s true! I even ask mommy about it. When I asked whether those things were the same as what she felt about my papa, she agreed!”
“But that’s different! We’re still kids!”
“Hannie, we’re already teenagers. We will be experiencing these kinds of things as time goes by. You might not feel this now but I do, okay? So be supportive to your best friend,” Joshua said.
Jeonghan took a deep sigh. “Fine. If you say so.”
“Yay!” Joshua was so happy that he hugged Jeonghan. “Thank you Hannie!”
For the first time, Jeonghan felt his heart skip a beat. He recalled the things Joshua had said earlier.
That made him ask himself, “Is this love?”
Jeonghan was fourteen years old when he got his heart broken.
He had been ignoring the possibility of him loving his best friend since he was thirteen. It felt absurd—it was not what he was expecting. He didn’t think about looking at Joshua that way. It didn’t make sense .
But when he saw Joshua looking at him all happy and giggling, saying the words “Seungcheolie finally asked me out! It was all worth it!” it awakened his heart.
There was a feeling of your body being poured by a bucket of cold water. A feeling of having your heart shot by arrows using a bow. A feeling of your soul exiting in you.
And a feeling of being in pain that even bandages or treatments could never heal.
“Hannie?” Joshua called him. “Are you okay? You look like you’re spacing out.”
Jeonghan went back to his senses. “Oh, uhm. Yeah. Sorry. I’m just tired. What are you saying again?”
“Wait, are you sick? Should we go to the clinic? I’ll tell the teachers—”
“No, no. I’m fine, Shuji. Don’t mind me,” Jeonghan assured him. “So, mind telling me what are you saying again?”
Joshua leaned closer and said, “You know how I was pursuing Seungcheol since 7th grade? And how we talked a lot and everything but we didn’t really become in a relationship or whatever since he wanted to focus on his studies?”
Jeonghan nodded.
“Well… he finally asked me out! He said he could manage to be in a relationship while studying now. It made my heart flutter a lot,” Joshua giggled. “I’m so, so happy right now!”
Jeonghan smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. Joshua didn’t seem to notice it. “I’m glad you’re happy, Shuji.”
Joshua smiled back. “Thank you Hannie! Should I treat you later on the way home to celebrate?”
Jeonghan turned down his offer. “I have some errands to do later. Next time?”
“Oh, so we won’t be going home together later?” Joshua said, a sad expression coming across him.
“Sorry, Shuji. Maybe you can ask Seungcheol to join you on the way home?”
“His way is in a different direction though,” Joshua said. “But it’s okay. I’ll just go home by myself.”
As much as Jeonghan didn’t want to leave him alone walking alone, he nodded and said, “Take care, okay? I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
Jeonghan was distracted the whole day. He didn’t get to focus on his classes and even got a wrong answer on the subject he was good at. Some of his friends tried to talk to him about it after class.
“Hey,” Jihoon said. “Did something happen between you and Joshua?”
“Right. I noticed you didn’t go home with him today,” Wonwoo also said.
“Ah, no. We didn’t fight or anything,” Jeonghan answered. “We have to go our separate ways now.”
“Did he say that?” Jihoon asked.
“Uh… no?” Jeonghan said.
“Is this because of him and—” before Wonwoo could continue his sentence, Jeonghan had already put his hand on the former’s mouth.
“Lower down your voice!” Jeonghan whispered. “And no, this has nothing to do with him. Don’t be such a fool.”
Wonwoo removed Jeonghan’s hand.
“You’re bad at lying, Jeonghan,” Jihoon said. “It’s obvious that you have some special feelings for your best friend.”
“God, when will you two shut up? I do not have that kind of feeling! I’m just being protective. There’s nothing special about it.”
“Why are you tearing up, then?” Jihoon asked.
That made Jeonghan touch his face and was surprised by his state.
“W–wh—”
“Let’s go to our house and play some games, yeah?” Wonwoo suggested. “Or you can cry if you want to. Jihoon and I will be here.”
“You don’t have to tell us everything,” Jihoon said and gave him a handkerchief. “You can use this to wipe your tears before we go out if you don’t want people to see you like that.”
Jeonghan accepted the handkerchief and with a quavering voice, he said, “Thanks. I appreciate it a lot.”
“You’re always welcome,” Jihoon said. “So, shall we go already?”
Jeonghan nodded.
Joshua didn’t get to know what happened that day.
Jeonghan was sixteen years old when he got his first kiss.
It was unexpected. It was something that wasn’t planned. It was a sudden turn of events.
“Hey, Jeonghan-ah,” Joshua said as he was cleaning up his room. “I want to ask you something.”
“Yeah?” Jeonghan said. He was sitting on the floor, focusing on returning the LEGOs they were building a while ago on the box.
“Did you have your first kiss already?”
Jeonghan froze for a bit, dropping some building block toys that were in his hands. He was at a loss for words for a while, and when he got back to his senses, he looked at him and said, “What kind of question is that, Joshuji? Does mom know about how weird his son is? Should I ask her about it when she gets home?”
“Yah! I’m not weird!” Joshua shouted and stopped cleaning for a while. “It’s just pure curiosity! It’s not illegal to ask that anyway!”
“Never said it was,” Jeonghan shrugged. “Why are you asking about it anyway? Did you and Seungcheol—”
“No, silly!” Joshua said. “Why did you bring him up anyway? We’re good friends now.”
“Wait what?” Jeonghan’s eyes widened. He stood up out of the blue and said, “What are you saying? Good friends?”
“Ah, you didn’t know?” Joshua said. “We broke up.”
Jeonghan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Since when?”
“Since…” Joshua counted on his fingers. “12 months? Oh! It’s been a year already.”
“O–one year…” Jeonghan covered his mouth with his hand and removed it after. “How did I not know about this?!”
“I thought we were obvious,” Joshua told him. “I mean, some people had already hinted at it before. We didn’t really have an official announcement about it because it’s not like it’s something that is worthy of being announced. And of all people, I actually thought you’re the first who’s going to catch up with what’s the status of my love life.”
The truth is, Jeonghan had stopped caring about it ever since he had acknowledged his feelings when he was fourteen. He wasn’t the type of person to hang on false hopes. Focusing on the role of being Joshua’s best friend was his priority instead.
“I’m actually hurt, Joshuji. You didn’t tell me! You always tell me everything!” Jeonghan told him.
“See, I wanted to try if you could guess what’s going on!” Joshua answered. “But then you didn’t and I didn’t really want to talk about it to you first because you might say something like ‘I told you so’ ‘He’s not really the guy for you from the beginning’ or something like that!”
Jeonghan walked towards him until they were close enough. He held Joshua’s hands and said, “I’ve always been supportive to you, haven’t I? I wouldn’t judge you. Ever. I’d even be by your side especially when you want to cry. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
“It’s my fault for not letting you know,” Joshua said. “I’m sorry for that. And you don’t have to worry. I didn’t feel anything after the break up actually.”
“Why?” Jeonghan asked.
“The breakup was mutual. As time passes by and as we grow older, we feel like we were better off as friends. So, yeah. Cheol and I didn’t have any regrets, and we’ve had a healthy relationship, so it’s not something to be cried at.”
Jeonghan didn’t know what to say. There was too much information to be digested. He stared at Joshua’s eyes, trying to find what words he should say at that moment.
But that only made him trapped in Joshua’s eyes. He got so drowned in it that he couldn’t think of anything else but Joshua and Joshua alone.
“Hey, Joshua…”
Joshua seemed to be shocked by the usage of his first name and not the nickname that Jeonghan gave him. “Yes?”
“Remember when you asked me if I had my first kiss already?”
“Y…yeah?” Joshua said slowly.
“I have,” Jeonghan said.
“Oh?” Joshua raised his eyebrows. “When?”
“Right now,” Jeonghan said and pulled him in for a kiss.
Joshua was surprised by that. His best friend kissing him was one of the things he never expected to happen. Did Jeonghan look at him more than what they’ve had right now? How come he didn’t notice it all along?
Once the situation had finally registered in Jeonghan's brain, he broke the kiss and had his body filled with regrets immediately.
“I–uhm,” Jeonghan was lost for words. “Uh… sorry. Let’s pretend this didn’t happen, yeah? I’ll uh, finish putting the LEGOs on the box and leave right aw—” Before he could end his sentence, Joshua cupped his cheeks and kissed him gently on the lips.
Unlike the kiss that was just an impulse a while ago, this kiss was full of emotions. Delighted, loving, contented, and other emotions that couldn’t be easily put into words.
Jeonghan, although surprised by his action, wrapped his hands on Joshua’s waist and welcomed the latter’s soft lips with his. Both of them were smiling brightly in between kisses, Jeonghan giggling when he saw Joshua’s cheeks flush.
As they pulled away from the kiss, they stared into each other’s eyes while catching their own breath.
“So…” Joshua spoke first. He was going to say something when Jeonghan cut him off.
“So…” Jeonghan mimicked him back, making Joshua roll his eyes.
“Just so you know Hannie,” Joshua continued. “This is my first kiss too.”
“Yeah?” Jeonghan smiled. Joshua nodded, grinning from ear to ear.
“When’s the second kiss then?” Jeonghan asked, which made Joshua slap the former’s shoulder.
“I’m kidding!” Jeonghan said. “But Joshuji, I have a question.”
“Hm?”
“Do you like me?”
The room was full of laughter when Jeonghan saw how Joshua panicked.
“Why are you panicking, Shuji? I was just asking,” Jeonghan smirked.
“You’re so…” Joshua pursed his lips. “How about you, though? As far as I know, you’re the one who initiated it.”
“Initiated what exactly?”
“You know…”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jeonghan said, acting all innocent but grinned afterward.
“You’re annoying, do you know that?” Joshua said.
“I am very much aware, Shuji,” Jeonghan said. “I just want to hear it from you.”
“I can’t do that!”
Jeonghan quirked his eyebrows. “Why not?”
“Because… because…”
“Because?”
“Because it’s embarrassing!” Joshua said and covered his face. “Even thinking about it makes me want to be buried on the ground.”
Jeonghan chuckled and removed Joshua’s hands on his face. “Okay, I won’t pressure you to say it.”
Joshua grinned.
“But to answer your question, even though I asked first,” Jeonghan said, making Joshua laugh a little, “I do like you. For a long time already. You’re so oblivious, but it’s an advantage to me because I wouldn’t be pressured about thinking whether to confess to you or not. But then this happened and… I don’t have a choice, do I?”
Joshua agreed. Jeonghan then waited for Joshua to respond but Joshua only looked at him.
“You’re not going to say anything? After all the talking I did?” Jeonghan questioned him.
“I don’t really know what to say,” Joshua told him and gave a foolish giggle.
“You can respond by answering my question a while ago,” Jeonghan said, making Joshua’s ears red.
“Well…”
“Well?”
“I had this conversation with Cheollie a while back,” Joshua began. “It was the time when we weren’t really that in love anymore. I asked him whether he had someone to pursue because if ever we'd go our separate ways and not have that kind of bond that wasn’t the same as being friends, I didn’t want him to be by himself. Because he deserves all the love and support from a special person, you know? He had given me love and support that I didn’t know I needed. He’s so, so kind.”
Jeonghan didn’t say anything. He just kept on listening, which made Joshua continue.
“Then when I told him that, he only laughed and ruffled my hair. He said and I quote, “It takes time to find another person that would be significant to you. It shouldn’t be rushed, and it isn’t something that you can get easily just by walking through a market and then say, ‘Oh! Here’s what I’ve been looking for!’ I promise you, I’ll be fine. Time will come that I’ll be loved again. Maybe they would love me more than you did,” then laughed after. He also told me, “You always worry about other people than yourself, Shua-yah. Why don’t you think about yourself for once?” something hit me after that.”
“Am I really not thinking about myself? How I worry about other people more than myself?” Joshua said.
“Don’t take it in a bad way, Shua,” Seungcheol told him. “It’s okay to care about people. To give them support. To be a friend that they needed during those times. That’s one of the reasons why I like you. But I hope you’ll remember to put your happiness first.”
“I don’t think I have anything to worry about that, Cheollie,” Joshua said. “I have good friends, good grades, and a good family too.”
“But that’s not enough, right?” Seungcheol said. “You haven’t noticed but I did.”
Joshua was confused. “Noticed what?”
“You like Jeonghan, right?”
Joshua’s eyes widened after that.
“What are you saying? I don’t!”
“Hey, it’s okay to admit that, you know?” Seungcheol laughed. “But if it’s still not sinking in your brain, you can think about your feelings once we break up.”
“Isn’t that like, wrong?” Joshua asked him.
“Technically, we’re not really treating each other as lovers now,” Seungcheol said. “And like I told you, put your happiness first. I think he’d be suitable for helping you fill out the jar of it. The jar might have much more content than what I did.”
“After we broke up, I thought about what he had said at that time. Then… remember the time when we were sitting on the bench of the park while eating ice creams? You were saying something about the new LEGOs release, and I was just staring at you, looking at your eyes, and thought, ‘Oh. So this was what Cheollie was saying.’ ”
“That was months ago, Shua.”
“I know,” Joshua said. “I didn’t want to let you know because what’s the point, anyway? I’m already content with what we have. I sometimes might be a risk-taker, but it’s different when it comes to you. But when you… you…”
“When I kissed you?” Jeonghan continued his sentence.
“You don’t have to say it out loud!” Joshua said. “But yes, when that happened, I had an oh moment again. So there’s that.”
“Well that’s… a lot to take in,” Jeonghan said. “A yes or no was all I wanted to hear though.”
“My god, Jeonghan. The answer’s already obvious!”
“Sorry, don’t know the answer,” Jeonghan teased.
“Yes, I like you too!” Joshua finally conceded defeat. “Are you happy now?”
Jeonghan smiled.
“Yes, Shuji. I am.”
Jeonghan had just turned seventeen when he had his first boyfriend.
Birthdays weren’t really that special for him. It’s just a day when people would acknowledge your existence more than ever, people suddenly contacting him after not being able to communicate with them for a long time. At the end of the day, those things were just temporary.
But ever since he met the Hongs, birthdays were one of the things he had been anticipating every year. They made what he felt like an ordinary day into something more. He was grateful for that.
Every year, they would celebrate it in Joshua’s house. Jeonghan thought at first how it shouldn’t be like that, that it should be in his house. But through all the years, the Hongs’ place felt like home more than his. He’d only go to his house to sleep after spending the time with Joshua and his mother. Then he’d wake up, prepare himself for school, eat the breakfast he’d made for himself, and then knock on the door of Joshua’s house for them to go to school together.
Mrs. Hong would prepare all the foods that Jeonghan liked. Wonwoo and Jihoon would be the ones to buy the cake. As for Joshua, he’s the organizer of the party—especially the design of the house. He’d make sure that Jeonghan wouldn’t go to their house first after classes, telling some of his friends to distract the birthday boy first so he and their friend Mingyu, who was good at arts and crafts, could go home first to design the living room and the kitchen. Jeonghan found it cute because there were times that Joshua would tell him how they couldn’t celebrate his birthday and then make up some excuses why when it was pretty obvious that he was planning a surprise. He didn’t tell Joshua about it though. He wanted Joshua to be happy after knowing that he had succeeded in his surprise.
“So,” Wonwoo said. “What cake do you want for today?”
“I really think it’s funny that you guys are asking me what I want when you should’ve been the ones to decide. It would feel more sincere, you know?” Jeonghan said.
“It is sincere though,” Jihoon butted in. “We’re considering what cake and flavor you want.”
“You guys already know my favorite cake and flavor,” Jeonghan told them. “But I can change it for you and ask for the most expensive cake ever that has my favorite flavor.”
“I regret asking,” Wonwoo said. “Anyway, we’ll see you later? We still have Chemistry class. Teacher’s terrifying.”
“Glad I didn’t take STEM as my strand,” Jeonghan laughed. “But yeah, see you.”
The way to Joshua’s house felt different. There was this nervousness that was filling in his body, his palms being sweaty, and his heart pounding so fast.
When he knocked on the door, he was greeted by confetti from the party popper that Joshua had twisted and pulled.
“Happy birthday, Hannie!” Joshua said. His greeting was followed by the other people around him—Mrs. Hong, Wonwoo, Jihoon, and Mingyu.
“Thank you, thank you! Can I come in now?” Jeonghan said that made all of them laugh. They gave way for him to enter the house.
The room was full of black and white balloons. There was also a happy birthday banner that was put on the wall in the kitchen and the living room. They were also streamers as well. The foods and the cake were on the table. It wasn’t as grand as what other people have during their birthdays, but it was something he was contented with. All he ever needs.
They took photos first, with Jeonghan holding the cake in the kitchen area and the living room. They sang happy birthday, and as Jeonghan was told to make a wish, he thought about it for a while and finally came up with what he wanted.
“I hope this happiness that I’m having will last,” he told himself and blew the candles.
After that, they ate the food that Mrs. Hong had prepared. Jeonghan asked Mrs. Hong to eat as well but was only declined and told him not to mind her.
Jeonghan, Joshua, and their friends talked a lot about what they’ve experienced in school while eating. Some funny things like how one of Jihoon and Wonwoo’s classmates was caught sleeping and asked to answer something, and when they did, all of them laughed because he answered a scientific term when they were having their PE class. Another thing was when Mingyu entered the wrong room and had only realized it when he saw Seungkwan inside. Jeonghan had some embarrassing moments too, like how he got someone’s drink thinking it was his and was asked by the owner about it, and when he denied it, the owner pointed out the name that was written on the drink. He apologized immediately, saying that he didn’t want to say that it wasn’t because he had already drank some of it. Joshua didn’t have some of those moments that made the group boo-ing at him. Mrs. Hong joined them too, saying that his son’s life was boring, creating a pout on Joshua’s face.
Once they were all done, they helped each other clean up the dishes and removed the decorations in the room. Mrs. Hong asked them to stay and sleep there instead after they were finished, but Mingyu, Wonwoo, and Jihoon refused the offer.
“How about you, Jeonghan-ah?” Mrs. Hong said. “Do you want to stay?”
“Oh, no, it’s alright. I’ll be returning hom—”
“He’ll stay mommy,” Joshua interfered. “He’s just too shy to admit it.”
The room was then filled with ohhhh and some teasing here and there.
“Okay then,” Mrs. Hong smiled. “I’ll go upstairs to sleep. Look after your visitors, Joshua-yah. Make sure they’d come home safely.” Joshua nodded after.
When Mrs. Hong stepped through the stairs, she suddenly stopped and turned back to say, “Oh and by the way, good luck, Joshua-yah. And please, do not close the door of your room after.”
Their friends clamored at the statement. Joshua blushed while Jeonghan was only standing there, clueless.
“What is mom talking about?” Jeonghan asked Joshua.
“N–nothing!” Joshua stuttered. “L–let’s just escort them on the way home already.”
“Oh we’re good, Shua,” Mingyu said. “You don’t have to do that. We’re all grownups.”
“Still!” Joshua exclaimed. “I’ll be more assured that you guys came home safely when I accompany you on the way home.”
“Just let us join you okay?” Jeonghan said.
“Well, if that’s what the birthday boy wants,” Mingyu said and looked at Wonwoo and Jihoon. “Let’s get going then.”
Joshua and Jeonghan then assisted their friends on the way home with Wonwoo being the first stop, Jihoon being the next, and Mingyu being the last one.
“Thanks guys,” Mingyu said. “I’d love for you to come and stay since Bobpul misses the two of you but it’s already dark. Maybe next time?”
Joshua nodded. “No worries. Tell Bobpul I said hi!”
“We’ll get going then,” Jeonghan said. “Thank you for today, Mingyu. I appreciate the efforts you’ve made.”
“Thank the organizer instead,” Mingyu said. “I’m just one of his assistants.”
“Give yourself some credit, Mingyu,” Joshua rolled his eyes.
Mingyu laughed. “Okay, I will. Now better get out of here and go back home. Stay safe.”
Before they could leave completely, Mingyu called Joshua, making Joshua go back to the door of Mingyu’s house.
“Hey. Good luck later. Please don’t be an embarrassment to Auntie and us,” Mingyu whispered in his ear, making Joshua glare at him.
Jeonghan felt like something was going on and it wasn’t about the surprise a while ago. That’s why while they were walking home, Jeonghan called Joshua’s attention.
“Hey, Shua,” Jeonghan called him.
“Hm?” Joshua said and looked at Jeonghan.
“You haven’t given me a gift yet,” Jeonghan said. “Is that why people were teasing you about it? Because you wanted to give it to me while we’re alone?”
“I–is that required?” Joshua said, looking away. “I–I don’t have one for you!”
Jeonghan held Joshua’s hand and made him look at him. “I’d accept whatever you want to give to me, Shuji. It’s from you anyway.”
“Really?” Joshua said.
“Really,” Jeonghan assured him.
“Okay,” Joshua said and released Jeonghan’s hand from his. He then pulled something in his pocket.
“Here,” Joshua said and gave it to Jeonghan.
“A piece of paper,” Jeonghan stated.
“Hey! I thought you’d accept anything as long as it’s from me.”
“Silly. I only stated what I received from you,” Jeonghan said. “Thanks, Shuji. I will use this paper well in the future.”
“You’re not even curious why it’s folded?” Joshua said in disbelief. “Stupid. It’s not something for you to use.”
Jeonghan burst out laughing.
“I know, Joshuji. I’m just considering your feelings. Would you be embarrassed if I say this out loud?” he asked.
Joshua hesitated for a while, but that hesitation was replaced with a confident smile. “No. I won’t. You can read it in front of me. That’s my intention anyway.”
So Jeonghan did. He opened the paper and was welcomed by Joshua’s message for him.
Jeonghan read it out loud.
To Hannie, who’s the most annoying person ever:
I’m not good at this. But this is better than saying this to you in person, right? At least I can organize my thoughts here more than when I speak to you personally.
Anyway, this isn’t going to be long because if I say everything that I want to tell you, I might not have anything to say anymore in the future.
I’m just really glad to have someone like you. Thank you for being here. I hope you’ll stay for long because I couldn’t think of a future of mine that you’re not around.
Cutting to the chase, I wanted to ask you something. It’s funny because I feel like it’s our brand to ask each other about things.
Hannie, this is the question I wanted to ask.
Do you want to be more than friends?
After reading, Jeonghan folded the paper and put it in his pocket. He stared into Joshua’s eyes and smiled, “More than friends? Do you want to be mega best friends then?”
“Nope,” Joshua said and went closer to him. “I’d like to be boyfriends instead.”
Jeonghan’s mouth formed into a smile. It was different from all the smiles he had ever shown to Joshua. “Why did you write more than friends then?”
“Well… they told me it’s for the ‘thrill’ of this conversation,” Joshua said. “That’s why they’re telling me all the good luck because I’ve been practicing saying this to you. You know how I can’t say these things in front of you because I’m too shy to do it.”
Jeonghan’s smile became bigger. “That’s so cute of you, my boyfriend.”
“I know I’m cute— wait, what?”
“I can’t believe you asked me out first, Joshuji,” Jeonghan said and walked closer to him until they were only inches apart. “I should’ve been the one to ask you but that doesn’t matter anymore. Starting today, we’re not flirting with each other as friends anymore,” and winked at Joshua.
“You’re really annoying,” Joshua told Jeonghan.
“I am Shuji. I am,” Jeonghan said and pulled Joshua for a kiss, the stars shining brightly at the night sky above them.
It was a memorable birthday.
Jeonghan was nineteen when he and Joshua couldn’t be in the same space everytime anymore.
They had just graduated months ago, with Joshua being the valedictorian of their batch. Words weren’t enough to show how Jeonghan was proud of him. Joshua was hardworking. He deserved it a lot.
They were sad when they couldn’t be in the same school anymore. Joshua had been offered his dream course, Early Childhood Education, with a scholarship in the university that was his first choice, while Jeonghan took Business Administration at another university. But that’s what happens once you enter college, anyway.
It was hard to adjust at first. The environment was new to them. It wasn’t the same as what they’ve grown up to, what they’ve been staying at for years, and what kind of people they’ve encountered. They didn’t have someone to rely on there.
Both of them couldn’t even see each other because their universities were far from each other. It would be a hassle to meet, considering the distance and the amount of time it would take for one of them to go to the other’s place and vice versa. That’s why they were stuck on messaging each other and calling each other. There wouldn’t be a day that they wouldn’t communicate. Joshua needed Jeonghan to fill his empty battery. Jeonghan was also the same.
There were times that Joshua was crying from all the stress that he was experiencing, and it was frustrating to Jeonghan because he couldn’t be there for him physically. He couldn’t hug him and comfort him in person. All he could do was say some words to ease Joshua’s worries, even though he knew that wasn’t enough.
And when Jeonghan was experiencing the same thing, he’d never say it to Joshua because he didn’t want to be a burden to him. He could endure it, he’d always say to himself.
As time goes by, they have slowly adjusted. Jeonghan had new friends on his block and so did Joshua. The paperwork was still difficult, but they have gotten used to it.
Even though they were both busy with their lives, they would never forget each other’s birthdays—especially their anniversary, which was Jeonghan’s birthday. Joshua tried to finish all of his tasks before Jeonghan’s birthday so that his schedule would be cleared for the following day. He surprised Jeonghan in his dormitory that day and was amused by Jeonghan’s shocked face. They went out that day despite the fact that Jeonghan still had some unfinished projects to work on. Joshua was worried, but Jeonghan assured him it was okay.
The next time they met again was during the Christmas event concert of Joshua’s university. Jeonghan was his plus one, and it was a relief that Jeonghan was finally free from the university during those times. It was an enjoyable moment, with the guest bands singing songs that touched a lot of people’s hearts. That day was magical for Joshua and Jeonghan.
Christmas Day came, and they celebrated it at Joshua's house. Mrs. Hong was delighted to see both of them, and they were too. They had dinner outside, Jeonghan being the one to pay for it even though Joshua wanted to split the bill. After they came home, Jeonghan and Joshua were discussing something when Mrs. Hong put a mistletoe above them. Joshua was embarrassed about it, telling his mother that she shouldn’t have done that because Jeonghan would say how he’s the favorite one of hers and not him. Jeonghan was enjoying how Joshua was whining but soon kissed him on the lips.
Joshua’s birthday arrived and they celebrated it at an amusement park. Joshua wasn’t fond of birthday gifts. He was more interested in spending time with someone during a special day, and he was glad that Jeonghan gave him that. They’ve enjoyed riding all the rides there and even tried to cheat on some skill games yet they still haven’t won on all of them. They took photos with a mascot there and watched some performances. At night, they rode to the Wheel of Fate at night and enjoyed the scenery. They went home with happy hearts inside of them.
Jeonghan and Joshua celebrated New Year together too. Once the clock struck midnight, they shared a kiss and promised to be with each other from day one up until the last day of that year, and then the following year, and then the next as well.
They believed that they could do it. All they needed was to trust each other.
Jeonghan was twenty-one when everything led to a downfall.
He knew that the world was constantly changing, but he didn’t expect that the change that was going to happen to him would be a bad one.
He and Joshua became busier than ever. The hours of calling each other turned into minutes, sometimes even none because one of them would end up sleeping while the other was waiting until they ended up sleeping as well. Good morning messages weren’t that consistent anymore, even the checking up of each other’s health was already forgotten. Joshua didn’t depend on Jeonghan anymore whenever there was a stressful occurrence. He’d just talk to a friend who was experiencing the same thing. He’d never even mentioned anything about it, to begin with. Jeonghan couldn’t talk about his day like how things were before to Joshua.
One day, Jeonghan couldn’t take their setup anymore. It was killing him.
So he called Joshua one night.
“Jeonghan,” Joshua said. “I’m busy right now. Can you call back later?”
“I need to talk to you,” Jeonghan told him.
“Not now, Jeonghan,” Joshua responded back. “I really, really need to finish something. I don’t need some distraction right now.”
That was Jeonghan’s last resort.
“I’m outside your dormitory,” Jeonghan said. “It’s your choice whether to come downstairs or not.”
Jeonghan ended the call immediately after that. He didn’t care whether Joshua will stood up on him or not. He was really tired.
Minutes later, he saw Joshua at the door of the building, walking towards him.
“Jeonghan,” Joshua spoke. “It’s already late. What is it that you want to talk about? Make it quick because I don’t have much time for this.”
“Do you realize what you’re saying in front of me, Jisoo?”
The atmosphere was cold, and even the clothes that he was wearing weren’t helping anymore.
“You’re calling me Jisoo,” Joshua pointed out. “What did I do now?”
“You tell me,” Jeonghan said. “What did you do, Jisoo?”
“I don’t have time for this,” Joshua said. “Just tell me what I did to you so I can apologize properly.”
Jeonghan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Just how did the Joshua he knew turn into this?
“You can’t even allot some time for your boyfriend?” Jeonghan asked in incredulity.“I made time for you and you couldn’t do the same?”
“We’re in two different worlds, Jeonghan! If you can do that then good for you but I can’t, okay? Things are hard for me these days and I can’t just slack off or anything because I might lose my scholarship and I might even lose everything I’ve given effort to!” Joshua answered him.
“Yet you can tell that to your friends except for me, is that it?” Jeonghan spoke back. “Didn’t you think about how I would feel when I found out that my boyfriend was suffering and I had to hear it from other people?”
“I can’t always rely on you, Jeonghan! If I tell you about it then what? What would happen? There was nothing that you could help with because you’re not experiencing the same thing as I am. I can only say what I’m feeling to other people because they’re in my shoes! You wouldn’t understand.”
“That’s the thing about you, Jisoo,” Jeonghan said. “You keep on assuming things. You think I’m not suffering? Well for your information, I am actually! It was hard to keep up with my studies. I barely had sleep every day. I’d wait for you to contact me every now and then because you’re the only one who keeps me sane through all this bullshit. I have my friends, but they’re not you. And they never will. In this place that was so close to being called hell, I only wanted you so I can move along. But it’s not the same for you anymore, is it? It’s not the same that you even called me a distraction.”
“I don’t have time for this,” Joshua gritted his teeth. “Let’s talk again once I’m free.”
“Why don’t we end this now instead?” Jeonghan said. “I don’t think I’ll be even seeing your face after this. Who knows? Maybe you’ll give some excuses about not being able to meet—” Jeonghan couldn’t continue his sentence when he felt a slap on his cheek.
“I’m going to give some excuses? Is that what you think I’ll do?” Joshua asked. “Of all people, you should be the one who knew me the most. Guess I was wrong all along.”
Jeonghan looked at him and said, “Maybe you are. Because the person in front of me wasn’t the Joshua I’ve known.”
They stayed silent after that, heads looking down. Jeonghan wanted to cry. Wanted to stop his tears from falling but his eyes were one of the things that betrayed him during that time.
Jeonghan raised his head. “You know what, Jisoo?”
Joshua raised his head as well, looking at Jeonghan’s lonely eyes.
“It would be best if we break up, don’t you think so?”
“That’s going to be the conclusion of this conversation?” Joshua asked. “All of this was a waste of time then. You could’ve broken up with me on a call instead.”
“I’m not like you, Jisoo,” Jeonghan told him. “Because I still had hope for this relationship. Yet seeing your reaction, I’ve lost hope.”
Jeonghan grabbed the car keys from his pocket and pressed the unlock button to open the car a few steps away from him. “I’ll be leaving now. Thanks for your time, and I’m sorry for disturbing you.” Jeonghan walked towards his car and opened it, sat on the driver’s seat, and started the car.
Jeonghan never looked back and started driving away from the dormitory. From Joshua.
Jeonghan was twenty-two when he graduated.
He graduated with flying colors, yet he felt nothing about it. And even when his parents, who didn’t care about him until now, asked him to fly over to Los Angeles for their business, he didn’t feel anything.
Jeonghan informed his friends about it after graduation except for Joshua.
And even before he got on the plane, he still didn’t contact Joshua about it. There wasn’t any reason for him to do it.
Joshua didn’t tell him to stay either, even after his friends told him about Jeonghan leaving.
Jeonghan was twenty-three when he started drinking and smoking.
He didn’t do this during high school or during college. Joshua had always wanted him to be healthy and not give in because it might become a bad habit. Joshua cared for him so much that it would be a shame if he saw him in that state. But Joshua wasn’t there anymore for him.
Jeonghan had to adapt to the surroundings of Los Angeles. But it was easier for him to do it than before. He needed to adapt as quickly as possible, he needed to ask people about what he should expect while working there. He wanted to learn more about the place and the people. He wanted to be distracted.
Jeonghan didn’t have a hard time working in their company. They didn’t treat him as the son of the people who owned the place yet he proved himself that he was capable of doing everything he needed to do there, receiving praise from his workmates about it.
Jeonghan had been friends with his colleagues too. But everytime he was asked to join in to eat outdoors, he’d always decline the offer saying he still needed to finish something. He was a workaholic. Nevertheless, his colleagues didn’t give up on him until he finally said yes.
It was fun to eat with new people around him. They had their own charm in them, and some personalities he’d like.
“After we eat, why don’t we go to the club after?” Sowon, one of his colleagues, suggested.
Jeonghan’s colleagues cheered in glee and said yes.
“What about you, Jeonghan? Let’s go and drink!” Sungjae said.
“Ah, I don’t drink actually,” Jeonghan said, which made everybody boo-ed at him.
“Then this is going to be your first experience then!” Sungjae told him. “Come with us tonight and if you still don’t like doing it after, we won’t force you to join every now and then.”
One of the things Jeonghan had also liked about them was that they were considerate to people.
“Okay,” Jeonghan said. “I’ll try.”
His colleagues hurrahed at him and that made him laugh.
The club wasn’t a place he didn’t get to go before. It was a surprising experience, how people were so alive at that moment. He felt like they were giving him energy too. And before he knew it, it didn't take long for him to adjust because he was already dancing with his friends on the dance floor.
Later on, they sat at one of the tables there and ordered some alcohol to drink. It was nerve-wracking for Jeonghan. All of them have experience except for him. It would be a humiliation to see himself throwing up or getting tipsy just by one shot of glass. Still, he drank. As they've always said, you only live once.
It was an unfamiliar liquid that had entered his system. It was bitter, yet it felt good. In no time, Jeonghan had already kept up with his friends, even overtaking some of them because of his tolerance. After hours of talking and drinking, everybody had decided to come home. Jeonghan was thankful he had been able to go home safely to his apartment. He put his things on the floor and went straight to his bed, his eyes starting to close. It was a fun night for him, and he didn’t care about the hangover he’ll experience the following day.
Jeonghan started smoking as well after having a lot of drinking sessions. He saw his friend Hyungwon doing it one time when he went outside to answer a call. Hyungwon offered him a stick but he didn’t know how to do it, so the former taught him. Soon enough, he was already joining him.
He asked, “Why do you smoke, Hyungwon? Just curious.”
Hyungwon laughed at him. “To relieve stress, I guess. Los Angeles can be an exhausting place. You’ll understand later on.”
That one stick during that night became two every week while he was working, then it became three, then it became an everyday occurrence for him to light up one without counting how many times he’d done that. He couldn’t drink whenever he wanted to those days because of how busy things were, might as well smoke that would only take minutes of his time.
Jeonghan had become a different person after that.
Over the years, the Jeonghan that was known in his hometown couldn’t be distinguished from what he is today.
Jeonghan was now twenty-six.
“Jeonghan-ah, you coming with us on the way home?” Jungwoo asked.
“I’ll stay for a bit,” Jeonghan said. “You guys can go.”
Once he completed the task he was given to, Jeonghan grabbed his things and went to the ground floor. He was already going through the main door when he decided to stop by the building’s smoking area. Thankfully, no one was there and he could smoke in peace. He sat on one of the benches there and took the pack of cigarettes and lighter in his bag. He pulled one cigarette and put it in his mouth, lighting it up.
Every time he blew the smoke into his mouth, all of the unpleasant feelings he had experienced that day would disappear for a while. Hyungwon was right about it being a stress reliever.
“Thought I’d find you here.”
Jeonghan looked at the person who spoke.
“Minghao. Hey,” Jeonghan said. “I thought you left already.”
“I was going to, but I had this friend instinct you know? Like, someone was telling me to stay for a bit,” Minghao said. “Do you mind if I join you here?”
Jeonghan shook his head. “I don’t mind. You can sit beside me.”
Minghao walked towards him and sat on the bench as well. Jeonghan offered him a stick and immediately accepted it, lighting it up once he was given a lighter.
“Bad day?” Minghao asked.
“No,” Jeonghan said. “Just wanted to smoke.”
“You’re a terrible liar, Jeonghan,” Minghao told him. “What happened?”
Jeonghan took a deep sigh.
“Today’s my birthday,” Jeonghan stated. He stayed silent after that.
“I’m glad you acknowledged your day of birth,” Minghao said. “But there’s more to it, am I right?”
“I just don’t like birthdays, Hao.”
“It should’ve been your anniversary right?” Minghao said. “With Joshua?”
It’s been a long time since he had heard that name in his ears. The last time he heard it was when he first told it to his closest friends, Minghao and Seokmin. He didn’t remember what fully happened that night they went out for a drink, but he knew he was crying his heart out. Was it because of the alcohol? He didn’t know.
“Yeah, so?” Jeonghan said. “Does it matter?”
“You’ve been distracted today,” Minghao said. “That’s not like you.”
Jeonghan smoked his cigarette again.
“I want to forget,” he began. “But I’m having these dreams. How we were so happy together, how nothing of this ever happened. And when I wake up, I’ll wake up with disappointment. I don’t cry, but it doesn’t mean there isn’t a pain in my chest.”
“It happened again?” Minghao asked.
“It never disappeared in the first place,” Jeonghan told him. “I don’t know why.”
“You still love him,” Minghao said. It wasn’t a question. It was a declarative sentence.
Jeonghan tried to hook up with people during his stay in Los Angeles. He’d agree to the blind dates his friends would set him up for, but would eventually turn down the person's offer when they asked for another date. He would dance with other people in the club but would still find himself stopping the person from kissing him because he didn’t want to kiss someone who wasn’t Joshua.
It was like he was a person who was reserved to someone else, and no one could ever keep him.
“How do you forget someone?” Jeonghan asked Minghao.
“I should be the one asking you about that,” Minghao said. “Do you really want to forget?”
“…”
“I don’t,” he whispered.
“You’re coming home next year, right?” Minghao asked. “Why don't you go back to the person you left three years ago? I’m not saying you should be in a relationship again. A closure would be enough. That might ease your mind more than the cigarettes we take.”
“If it’s meant for us to meet, then it will happen,” Jeonghan said. “That’s why they say to trust fate.”
“I think that’s bullshit though,” Minghao said, stubbing the cigarette in the ashtray near them. “We’re capable of making our own choices in life. Why would we let fate handle it? Don’t listen to other people saying that we should trust fate. Live your own life. Make decisions by yourself. Do what you want to do, even if it will be a gain or a loss.”
“It’s not easy,” Jeonghan said. “I’ve had a lot of regrets because of that.”
“It’s in human nature to have regrets,” Minghao assured him. “You’ll be okay. As I have said, even if it will be a gain or a loss, do what you want to do. Live your own life no matter what the results are. You’re one of the strongest people I know, Jeonghan. Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Jeonghan said. “Thanks Hao.”
“Shall we get going?” Minghao said. “Seokmin’s been waiting for us at our house.”
“Ah, so that’s why you’re here, am I right?” Jeonghan said. “Seokmin told you to talk to me?”
“Well, that’s one of the reasons. He told me to go to you while he was busy buying fried chicken and beer so yes,” Minghao said. “But it’s most likely because I don’t want you to be alone. I know you’d stay here for a while.”
Jeonghan gave him a smile. “What would I do without you, married couple?”
“I know right?” Minghao said that made them laugh.
Jeonghan was twenty-seven when he left Los Angeles to return to his hometown.
He wasn’t sure if it was a good decision for him to come back. Everything has changed. They were all adults now, each of them having their own responsibilities. Would someone still welcome him with open arms even after he left them?
Jeonghan sighed and got his luggage to the baggage claim area once he saw his. He walked towards the exit, not expecting a six footer person to hug him tight with two people standing beside him.
“Jeonghan-ahhh,” Mingyu said and cried on his shoulder. “I can’t believe you’re here! I had to find it out from Seungkwan, who had found it out from Seokmin!”
“He’s still such a baby,” Jihoon said. “Even after being a married man to Seungkwan, he couldn’t be mature enough. It’s embarrassing sometimes.”
“Hey!” Mingyu said and lift his head up. “I just missed Jeonghan a lot okay?”
“Should I tell Jeonghan how you cried when Seungkwan was going on a business trip then?” Wonwoo intervened.
Mingyu pouted.
“Guys, don’t be mean to Mingyu, hm?” Jeonghan said and tousled Mingyu’s hair. “That’s his personality. Let’s just unfriend him when it happens again.”
“And I thought you were on my side,” Mingyu said. All of them laughed after that.
Jeonghan and his friends went to the parking lot where Wonwoo’s car was parked. Jeonghan insisted that he’d be the one to drive since his driving license wasn’t expired yet, but the three stopped him, saying that he should be taking a rest especially since he’s having jetlag. Jeonghan finally let them be.
“So, Jeonghan,” Mingyu said. “How’s Los Angeles?”
“It was nice,” Jeonghan answered. “Made a lot of friends. Work is sometimes shitty but tolerable. Clubs and bars were fun. Parents were still busy and would only contact me once I’ve done something amazing.”
“What about your lovelif— Ow!” Mingyu stopped speaking when Jihoon slapped him on his shoulder.
“Did you like it there?” Wonwoo asked.
“Yeah. I did,” Jeonghan responded. “But…”
“But?”
But Los Angeles didn’t have the missing piece that I abandoned here.
“Nevermind,” Jeonghan smiled. “By the way, you mentioned Seokmin a while ago Gyu. How did you know about him?”
“Seungkwan has a lot of friends so,” Mingyu said. “And when I say a lot, I mean it.”
“Seungkwan has a lot of connections,” Jihoon said. “It’s an advantage to be friends with him.”
“Seems like you’re using Seungkwan for your benefit,” Jeonghan joked. “You guys have really changed.”
“Not me though,” Wonwoo said while driving. “I’m still the same person. The only thing that has changed was that I’m a medical intern now.”
“Here comes our future doctor!” Mingyu cheered. “You know Jeonghan? He has had a lot of admirers ever since he entered med school. I mean, he had some during college but this is more insane. Some of them would even give him food and those foods would only be ended up eaten by us.”
“What makes it funnier is that the only person who he liked…” Jihoon paused for the tension.
“Dugudugudugu,” Mingyu said, imitating a drum.
“...is also the only person who didn’t have eyes on him,” Jihoon said and laughed.
“Do you want me to pull over and kick you guys out of this car?” Wonwoo said, still looking directly at the road.
“We just wanted him to catch up about what we’re doing these years,” Jihoon said.
“What’s the name?” Jeonghan said, looking interested. “I’d like to see him.”
“Here— ah!” Mingyu was going to show it to Jeonghan when Wonwoo snatched his phone while the traffic lights were still red.
“I’d show him to you when he likes me back,” Wonwoo said. “Wait a little longer. I feel like he’ll confess one day.”
“And he says he’s still the same person,” Jihoon said. “Anyway, that’s it. As for me, I’m just enjoying my time as a music producer. I don’t have time for any of those.”
“His life is so boring,” Mingyu remarked. “By the way Jeonghan, where are you going to stay?”
“To the place I have left four years ago.”
Jeonghan’s friends suddenly stopped talking.
“Well, uhm,” Mingyu said. “You can stay at our house instead.”
“My apartment’s free, Jeonghan. You can stay there too,” Wonwoo said.
“I could use some company too,” Jihoon said. “You could stay there for a while. There’s also a time that I’m not around so you can be alone and do whatever you want.”
“I see,” Jeonghan spoke. “Joshua’s still living there.”
The three of them panicked for a bit.
“I–it’s not like that!” Mingyu was the first one to speak. “I mean, yeah he’s still living there but… but…”
“Oh my god Mingyu you’re messing it up,” Jihoon sighed. “Yes, he still lives there. We’re just giving you options because you might be uncomfortable living near him.”
“I want to meet him,” Jeonghan admitted. “Despite everything that had happened, I still want to see him. He’s the main reason why I’m here.”
“Do you still have feelings for him, Jeonghan?” Wonwoo asked.
Without hesitation, he said, “I do. I still do.”
“Okay,” Wonwoo said. “We’ll support whatever you want to do.”
“Do you need his number, Jeonghan?” Jihoon asked.
Jeonghan shook his head.
“He’s probably at school right now,” Mingyu said. “You should rest when you come home. Let’s each lunch first. It’s on Jihoon.”
“I didn’t say that,” Jihoon said.
“Okay, it’s on me instead,” Jeonghan told them. “I’ll treat you to lunch.”
The three of them cheered.
They still haven’t changed.
Jeonghan came home safely to his house after he was dropped off by his friends. Looking at his house felt foreign. He didn’t have a lot of good memories here, yet this is still the place he’ll come back to in the end.
Once he entered, he put his belongings in his room and cleaned up the house so he could lie in bed without any traces of dust. It was tiring, but it’s nothing compared to what his work was in Los Angeles.
There had been a lot of thoughts coming inside his mind when he lay down in bed. He stared at the ceiling, thinking about what would happen now that he was finally back. Most importantly what would happen to him and Joshua.
He knew it was impossible for them to be together after their last encounter, but as much as he had been saying to himself that a closure was enough, he would be lying to himself if he said he wasn’t hoping for them to start again, to be with him once again.
His thoughts weren’t helping him to sleep so he decided to go to a convenience store near him to buy some milk.
He was busy looking for the milk he liked when someone called him.
“Jeonghan?”
Jeonghan turned around to see one of the people he hadn’t met for so long.
“Mo–Mrs. Hong. Hi,” Jeonghan greeted him.
“Am I seeing things clearly?” Mrs. Hong said, fixing her eyeglasses, and stared at Jeonghan once again. “It really is you!”
Jeonghan was surprised by the embrace Mrs. Hong had given him.
“I didn’t know you came home already,” Mrs. Hong said once she had released from the hug. “How are you? Are you well?”
“I am,” Jeonghan gave her a smile. “Thank you for asking.”
“Do you want something to eat here? I’ll buy you one,” Mrs. Hong said and opened her wallet when Jeonghan stopped her.
“It’s okay. I’m only here to buy milk. I couldn’t sleep so…” Jeonghan said, getting the milk he had been looking for.
“Ah, right. Jetlag,” Mrs. Hong said. “I’d like to have a conversation with you but you need to sleep first.”
“Oh,” Jeonghan said. “It’s okay. We can talk.”
“Are you sure?” Mrs. Hong asked. Jeonghan nodded.
“Okay,” Mrs. Hong said. “Let’s pay first and go to my house.”
After paying, Jeonghan and Mrs. Hong went toward her house.
“It still hasn’t changed a bit,” Jeonghan whispered, but still enough for Mrs. Hong to hear.
“It’s still the same as what you’ve seen since you’re five,” Mrs. Hong said. “Let’s come in.”
Entering the house that was a part of his childhood until he was a teenager gave him flashbacks. This is what he called home from the beginning.
They went to the dining table, Jeonghan being offered to sit on one of the chairs. Mrs. Hong placed the things she bought in the refrigerator and sat on the chair afterward.
“Shall we start?” Mrs. Hong said.
‘This feels like an interrogation. Is she going to curse at me for hurting her son?’ Jeonghan thought.
He nodded as a response.
“I’m actually disappointed that you didn’t tell me that you’re leaving,” Mrs. Hong said.
Jeonghan apologized. “Sorry, Mrs. Hong. I thought it was for the best.”
“And I’m more disappointed you’re calling me Mrs. Hong,” she added. “What happened to calling me Mom?”
“I didn’t think it was appropriate for me to say that anymore,” Jeonghan confessed. “I hurt your son and I… I’m sorry for that. I know you’re mad at me and I know my apologies wouldn’t change anything but still, I wanted to apologize.”
Mrs. Hong smiled. “Jeonghan-ah, if I tell you right now that I’m not mad at you, will you believe it?”
Jeonghan looked at her with confusing eyes.
“Sure, it was a shock to me when my son went home one day, telling me that you two broke up. And his cry was something that I haven’t seen from him. He was blaming himself. I told him it wasn’t his fault.”
“It’s not his fault. It’s mi–”
“I know it wasn’t your fault either,” Mrs. Hong cut him off. “The world isn’t always full of rainbows and sunshine anyway. There will be bad times and good times. And your break up was part of the former.”
“Even so,” she continued. “You shouldn’t hang on to that bad time. I’d like it more if you start creating good moments again now that you’re here. Fix everything that was left broken as much as you can. Talk to Joshua, okay? He’s still waiting.”
“Waiting?” Jeonghan asked.
Mrs. Hong nodded. “Waiting for you to come back.”
Jeonghan was delighted.
“Okay Mom,” Jeonghan said. “I will.”
Jeonghan went to Joshua’s workplace the following day.
It was a kindergarten school. He heard that Joshua’s a kindergarten teacher now. Joshua’s dream was to become one, and he was glad that he achieved his dream.
There were kids running in the hallways with backpacks on their backs. It was already the end of the classes, and Jeonghan wanted to ask Joshua to go out and eat with him. He wanted to talk to him as soon as possible. Four years were already enough, they didn’t need more than that.
“Hi!”
Jeonghan turned around to see the person who spoke. The person was about the same height as him, his eyes small, and his shirt had a tiger logo on it.
“Are you perhaps a parent of a student here?” he asked. “Can I know the surname and what class they are in?”
“Oh, I’m not a parent,” Jeonghan said. “I’m actually looking for one of your co-teachers, if I’m right that you’re a teacher.”
“You’re right, I’m a teacher. You can call me Soonyoung,” Soonyoung said. “I’m actually happy that you recognized me as one! Some people say I don’t look like one.”
“You have that vibes for me,” Jeonghan said. Soonyoung smiled at him because of that.
“Anyway! Who are you looking for? Chan? Hansol?”
“I’m looking for Joshua,” Jeonghan said.
“Ah! Teacher Joshy,” Soonyoung said. “He’s inside the faculty room. I can call him for you— oh!” Soonyoung paused as he saw Joshua in his peripheral vision. “Nevermind. He’s here. Joshy! Someone’s looking for you!”
As Jeonghan looked in the direction Soonyoung was looking, he locked eyes with Joshua, who was in complete shock.
“Hey,” Soonyoung whispered to Jeonghan. “Are you perhaps Joshy’s boyfriend? I haven’t seen him with someone like you.”
Joshua, who got frozen at that moment, tried to be back to his senses and went to them.
“Joshyyyyy!” Soonyoung said and clung to Joshua’s shoulder. “Who is this pretty man?”
“Oh, uhm. He’s… a friend,” Joshua answered him.
“That’s suspicious,” Soonyoung said and detached himself from Joshua. “You sure you aren’t dating each other?”
Joshua glared at Soonyoung.
“I’ll tell you next time, okay?” Joshua told Soonyoung. “Let’s go, Jeonghan.”
“Oh my god. So this is Jeonghan—”
“Shut up, Soonyoung,” Joshua said and grabbed Jeonghan’s arm on the way outside before Soonyoung could speak more.
Joshua let go of Jeonghan’s arm once they were far from the school.
“I didn’t know you…” Joshua spoke first.
“I told them to not tell you about it,” Jeonghan said. “Including mom.”
“Mom?” Joshua said. “Wait, you’ve met mommy already?”
“It’s just a coincidence. We talked yesterday.”
“Oh. Okay,” Joshua said. “Why did you ask them to do that?”
“I wanted to let you know myself,” Jeonghan answered. “That’s why I came here.”
Joshua opened his mouth to say something but he closed it immediately.
“Can we…” Jeonghan spoke, making Joshua look at him. “Can we talk? In a café or a place that you’re comfortable with.”
Joshua stared at him for a while and nodded. “Yeah. Sure. I know a place where we can talk without other people hearing about it.”
They ended up in a park with only one bench, the others being trees and street lights.
“Are you sure there wouldn’t be any other people here?” Jeonghan asked. “Seems like an ordinary park to me.”
“Trust me, we could spend the day here,” Joshua said. “It felt like a hideout even though it’s a park. Not only because there weren’t any people around, but because it’s kind of far and hidden a bit if you had noticed. More people would be going to the park we passed by a while ago than here.”
“Okay, I trust you,” Jeonghan said.
They sat on the bench and looked at the surroundings.
“How did you find this place?” Jeonghan asked.
“I was just walking around and saw this place,” Joshua said. “The sky was beautiful that night. I spent my night here looking at the stars above. Too bad it’s still early. You couldn’t see them.”
“It’s okay,” Jeonghan said. “I can come back here anytime.”
Joshua looked at him. “You’re staying here?”
“Most likely. If I have a reason to stay,” Jeonghan said, still looking straight at the surroundings.
Joshua gazed back at the surroundings.
“Jeonghan?”
“Yeah?”
“Why did you come back?”
Jeonghan knew Joshua would ask that. But it didn’t mean he was prepared to hear it from Joshua himself.
“You… you left for four years, Jeonghan,” he continued. “What made you go here? What pushed you to leave the place you had gotten a bright future and go back to this place?”
Jeonghan looked at Joshua, and with all his heart and soul, he answered. “You.”
Joshua turned his head to look at Jeonghan, who was now staring into his eyes.
“Why?” Joshua asked.
“I want to fix what happened that night,” Jeonghan started. “It might be late, but it’s better than doing nothing at all right? I’m sorry for everything I’ve said. I’m sorry for having that conclusion instead of thinking of a way for us to be okay again. And I’m sorry for leaving without telling you. I… I was just a coward. You don’t deserve that. I should’ve been a better person.” He said and looked down.
Somehow, saying those words made Jeonghan’s heart feel light. Enduring this acknowledgment of his feelings to the person he wanted to say to it the most had come to an end.
“Jeonghan.”
Jeonghan raised his head.
“Hey,” Jeonghan said and pulled Joshua in for a hug. “Why are you crying? I’m sorry.”
“I… I regretted the words I’ve said that night,” Joshua uttered. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t mean everything that I’ve told you. I didn’t mean to destroy our relationship. I didn’t mean everything. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m insensitive. I changed without noticing it and it brought you pain. I’m sorry. Graduation was lonely without you by my side. And when… when I heard you were leaving, I should’ve… I should’ve asked you to stay. I wanted you to stay . I wanted to run to the airport and stop you from going. I wanted to say how I wanted you to come back to me. I’m so sorry. I’m really really sorry.”
Tears were streaming down Joshua’s face. His voice was cracking, yet he still tried his best to speak. Jeonghan was bawling his eyes too. His lips were trembling, not being able to stop them from doing it.
“It might be selfish for me to say this but… I still want you,” Joshua confessed. “I want you to stay. I want you to be with me again. I want you to be someone I’d always had by my side. Whatever we had years ago, what we’ve shared, what we’ve felt, I want it all. May it be bad times or good times. I’ll do everything to not make rash decisions again.”
“I still want you too,” Jeonghan said. “I want to spend my life with you. We might have wasted four years, but it doesn’t matter. It’s all in the past. Let’s focus on the present, yeah?”
Joshua nodded.
“Hey, Joshuji,” Jeonghan said and made Joshua look at him. After four years, this was the first time he called Joshua as Joshuji again.
“Yes, Hannie?”
“I have a question.”
“Really? Are we really going to do this right now?” Joshua chuckled.
“It’s our trademark,” Jeonghan said.
“Okay. Fair,” Joshua said. “So what’s your question?”
“Do you want to be more than friends again?” Jeonghan smiled.
Joshua laughed by the reference. “You still remember that.”
“I don’t forget, Joshuji.”
Joshua’s eyes twinkled at the moment. He was so, so beautiful. Especially when he showed a beaming smile and said,
“Yes, Hannie. I’d love that.”
Jeonghan was thirty-one when he proposed to Joshua.
It was the 30th of December. They both ate at a fancy restaurant, with Jeonghan paying for it. They weren’t teenagers anymore. With their busy schedules, they couldn’t go to the amusement park like how they did before. In spite of that, Joshua still liked this celebration. Everything made him happy because Jeonghan was there.
“Hey, Hannie,” Joshua said as they went outside the restaurant. “Where do we go next?”
“Do you want to go to the park again?” Jeonghan asked.
Joshua suddenly jumped in excitement. “Yes please! It’s a lovely evening. I’d like to spend the last hours of my birthday there.”
Jeonghan drove to the nearest parking lot of the park so they could leave the car. They started walking to their destination, their hands intertwined with each other.
“Ah! Finally we’re here,” Joshua said and sat on the bench. “The nearest parking lot wasn’t really near.”
“Well, what choice do we have, Shuji? The restaurant’s far so we brought a car. The park was far from the restaurant too, so we drove on the way here. And since this park wasn’t visible enough, they wouldn’t dare to put a parking lot here,” Jeonghan explained.
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, smartypants,” Joshua said and looked at the sky. “Wah, the sky is lovelier tonight. I think they like me.”
“I’ll agree now because it’s your birthday,” Jeonghan said, receiving a slap on his shoulder from Joshua.
“Why do you hate me?” Joshua said.
“That’s my love language, baby,” Jeonghan told him. “You’re used to it, anyway.”
“Well… you’re not wrong,” Joshua admitted.
“See? I’m right.”
“When did I tell you you’re wrong?”
“You didn’t. Just wanted to boost my ego,” Jeonghan teased, which made him receive another slap from his shoulder. “You’re going to break my shoulder, Joshuji!”
“You deserve it,” Joshua said and looked at the sky again.
Joshua, who was so focused on staring at the sky, didn’t notice how Jeonghan was pulling something on his sports coat.
“Hey Shuji.”
“Yeah?” Joshua said, still gazing at the stars above him.
“I have a magic trick,” Jeonghan said. “When you look at me, there will be an object on your lap.”
“What are you saying—” Joshua let out a gasp once he glanced at Jeonghan and to his lap.
“Jeonghan, what the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck.”
“Oh, Joshuji. Don’t shed your tears yet. I haven’t even given my speech yet,” Jeonghan said, making fun of Joshua, who was on the verge of crying already.
“May I take this from you first?” Jeonghan pointed at the small box. Joshua nodded.
Jeonghan started to kneel down in front of Joshua, opening the box that contained a ring.
“My Joshuji,” Jeonghan started his speech. “It’s been four years since we got back together. I’m grateful you gave me a chance. You gave us a chance. I’m glad you wanted me like how I wanted you. And I’m happy that things worked out for us again. Thank you for letting me stay. Thank you for the warm welcome. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
Jeonghan felt some water slowly going through his eyes. Before continuing, he took a deep breath to stop the tears from coming out.
“I know you don’t like public proposals, that’s why I did this,” Jeonghan said. “Plus, I know you wanted me by yourself. You love me that much.”
Joshua laughed a bit. “Shut up. You’re ruining your speech.”
“This is part of my speech though?” Jeonghan said. Joshua rolled his eyes because of that.
“You’re so cute when you’re annoyed,” Jeonghan teased him. “Don’t worry. This is the last part.”
“Joshua Hong,” he said. “You’re the only person who keeps me alive. Would you do the honor of doing it until the end?”
With a smile on his face, Joshua answered without a doubt.
“Gladly.”
“And now we’re thirty-three, Joshuji,” Jeonghan says, reading his vows in front of Joshua, “And I realized, now that standing in front of the altar, I just know that I spent my childhood, my teenager days, and my adulthood well. Because it was filled with our memories together. You’re my teacher because you taught me how to love. You’re my light because you light up the world of the five year old me. There are a lot of words to describe you, but we might exceed the allotted time for this wedding.” Everybody laughed at that.
“You’re so annoying,” Joshua says.
“I am very much aware, Joshuji,” Jeonghan smiles. “Thank you for keeping up with my personality. For accepting me since the beginning. I’m thankful you’re my day one. I hope you won’t get tired of me. My best friend, my lover, my Joshuji, my everything, let’s spend the rest of our lives together, yeah?”
Joshua looks at him in the eyes, and Jeonghan can see the happiness in them. “Of course, Hannie.”
“And now,” the officiant says. “Jisoo Hong, do you take Joshua Yoon to be your husband? Do you promise to love, honor, cherish, and protect him, forsake all others, and hold only unto him forevermore?”
“I do,” Joshua says.
“And Jeonghan Yoon, do you take Jisoo Hong to be your husband? Do you promise to love, honor, cherish, and protect him, forsake all others, and hold only to him forevermore?”
“I do,” Jeonghan says as well.
“Your wedding rings are the outward and visible sign of the inward and invisible bond which already unites your two hearts in love,” the officiant says and looks at Joshua. “Groom, place the ring on Groom’s finger and repeat after me. I give you this ring.”
“I give you this ring.”
“Wear it with love and joy.”
“Wear it with love and joy.”
“As this ring has no end,”
“As this ring has no end,”
“My love is also forever.”
“My love is also forever.”
The officiant now looks at Jeonghan. “Groom, place the ring on Groom’s finger and repeat after me. I give you this ring.”
“I give you this ring.”
“Wear it with love and joy.”
“Wear it with love and joy.”
“As this ring has no end,”
“As this ring has no end,”
“My love is also forever.”
“My love is also forever.”
“May the wedding rings you exchanged today will remind you of your endless love,” the officiant states. “May you always have a healthy relationship. May you always remember to communicate with each other especially when one is suffering. May you always be reminded to respect each other and support each other, whatever the situation will be. Most importantly, may you continue to love each other until the end.”
“By the power vested in me, I pronounce you husband and husband. You may now kiss the groom.”
Joshua and Jeonghan stare at each other’s eyes.
“I love you, Jeonghan,” Joshua says.
“I love you the most, Joshua,” Jeonghan says and locks their lips together.
Jeonghan was five years old when he first met Joshua.
Jeonghan was ten years old when he got in trouble.
Jeonghan was thirteen years old when he discovered love.
Jeonghan was fourteen years old when he got his heart broken.
Jeonghan was sixteen years old when he got his first kiss.
Jeonghan had just turned seventeen when he had his first boyfriend.
Jeonghan was nineteen when he and Joshua couldn’t be in the same space everytime anymore.
Jeonghan was twenty-one when everything led to a downfall.
Jeonghan was twenty-two when he graduated.
Jeonghan was twenty-three when he started drinking and smoking.
Jeonghan was twenty-seven when he left Los Angeles to go back to his hometown.
Jeonghan was thirty-one when he proposed to Joshua.
Now, Jeonghan is thirty-three. He will be thirty-four next year, thirty-five the following year after that, and so on. But those things wouldn’t matter.
He will be spending those years with the person he married—the person whom he loved since he was five years old.