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Big was 13 when he first came to the Theerapanyakun house with his father. The slow summer heat washed over him, the sweat making his shirt stick to his back. He clutched his father’s hand tightly, his father returning a reassuring squeeze.
It was his first time seeing a house that big, his own home fading in his memory under the overwhelming presence of the mansion. As his father started chatting with the guards that seemed to populate the whole yard, Big broke free and ran to the fountain he had been eyeing as soon as he stepped in. He crouched by the adjoining pool, staring in awe at the carps swimming around freely. The pool was shallow, and as the carps moved around, chasing one another, the water splashed onto Big’s pants. A smile spread across his small face.
“They’re beautiful, aren’t they?”
Big looked to his side to find another boy crouching next to him. The other boy had a few years on him and he held a packet of fish food in his hands, his focus solely on the pool.
Big nods quickly before rising. He extended his lanky arm out fully, like his father taught him, before speaking up.
“My name is Big.”
The other boy rose too, allowing Big to see his clothes for the first time. His thin frame was bundled up in bright blue pants and a leopard print shirt, buttoned up to the top. On his head rested a pair of sunglasses, reflecting the bright summer sun.
“My name is Tankhun, little one. It’s nice to meet you.”
“I’ll be 14 in 2 months. I’m not little,” Big replied, a frown forming on his face. The boy named Tankhun let out a hearty laugh as he moved to the other side of the pool, dropping more food in as he moved.
“Go on, then. You’re being looked for,” Tankhun said, pointing behind Big, towards the area where his father was. His father beckoned him with hands as soon as he spotted him. Big ran over, straightening out his shirt that was left crumpled after crouching in the heat for that long.
“Were you nice to him?” his father asked as soon as Big neared him. Big nodded with confidence. His father smiled back at him, ruffling his hair.
“That’s Tankhun. He’s a sweet boy. He might trouble you once in a while but you should be nice to him. Many people aren’t,” his father explained. Big nodded along ardently. Of course I will be nice to him, Big thought. Confusion took over his face. Why would anyone not be nice to him?
Big went about the rest of the day on his best behaviour, bowing his head in greeting when instructed to do so, shaking hands when required.
Big didn’t know truthfully what he was doing in that mammoth mansion, just that he would live in it for the foreseeable future.
“It’s an honourable place to be, son. They’ll treat you well,” his father had explained. And Big could see now why his father had said that. The whole house screamed of honour and prestige; the gleaming marble tiling on the floor, the floor-to-ceiling glasses fitted into every hallway, the fine upholstery of the furniture, and everything else in sight. He was dazzled.
Big knew only vaguely what his father did, the word ‘bodyguard’ still unclear in its definition to him. With all that the Theerapanyakun family had done for them, Big knew from a young age that he would have to follow in his father’s footsteps. The few times that his father had returned home with bruises and cuts splattered on his body, Big had never once questioned him about them.
“It’s part of the job. There’s no need to be scared,” his father had emphasized every time anyway.
So, Big had learnt not to shy away from violence at a young age. He had spent more time in the school infirmary than in his classes, earning the ire of his peers when he managed to excel at them anyway. He was of an average size for his age, but that didn’t stop him from picking fights with the older boys at school. Every time he returned home with blood on his shirt, his father ruffled his hair. It was the only time he seemed to.
As Big’s father left to talk to the man he called ‘Khun Korn’, Big was allowed to roam around the house. The bag that he carried with him had long been whisked away by someone. He took it upon himself to memorise the pathways in the house, the halls leading to the kitchens, the infirmary, and the training area. The last was the only room filled, nearly a hundred men dressed in all black. Some were climbing ropes, some engaging in hand-to-hand combat, making Big’s eyes sparkle, and some were practising something, first aid as Big would later learn, on dummy dolls. As the eyes of one of the trainers met Big’s, the latter closed the door quickly and ran off down another long hallway.
Big was told he would be continuing his studies on this estate, but more importantly he would start training for his future. His heart raced, blood rushing straight to his head, as he thought of being in the training room he saw.
As he wandered down the impossibly long hallways, he ventured into one of the more residential areas. Here, the house had dimmer lighting, warmth pervading the air. Instead of the formal decorations adorning the areas he saw before, this one seemed more like a place for people to live. The sofas had pillows, the flowers in the vases freshly cut, and the smell of lavender spread in the air.
As he neared the end of one of the hallways, Big’s ears picked up the faint noise of a piano. The player was trying to play something ardently, yet all that came out were discordant notes, making Big chuckle. Big opened the door that seemed to contain the music behind it, a cold wave hitting him unexpectedly. The temperature in that room was significantly colder than in the rest of the house.
The piano was black and glossy, the edges reflecting Big’s figure in the doorway. On the piano stool sat a small figure in a suit, definitely a few years younger than Big himself. Despite that, the aura surrounding the youth sent a chill down Big’s spine.
“Who are you?” the child asked, his eyes never wavering from the piano in front of him.
“My name is Big. I’m going to train here soon,” Big introduced himself, stepping forward.
“Oh, you’re the one.”
Big took another step forward, his eyebrows raised in questioning.
The child turned, finally looking at Big. His eyes were big, and stuck on Big’s, as if trying to gain some knowledge from them.
“You’re the new kid my brother told me about. Kinn said Papa told him he was getting a new friend,” the child continued. “I’m Kim.”
New friend. Big liked that title.
“Kim. It’s a nice name. You’re good at playing the piano,” he replied.
“You don’t have to lie. This one isn’t for me anyway, it’s for Kinn. He’s good at it. I don’t have to be,” Kim said, hopping off the stool.
Big let out a chuckle at the younger’s bluntness. He heard a distant voice calling his name, pulling him back to reality. He bid a quick farewell to Kim before rushing down the way that he came from.
What a strange kid, Big thought.
As he neared the source of the voice, he found his father walking alongside an older man, his hair starting to show the first signs of greying. He knew from pictures that this was Khun Korn. Big hurried again to fix his crooked shirt, taking a few deep breaths before joining his father.
“My name is Big. Nice to meet you, sir,” Big held his hand out again, making sure the handshake was a strong one, like he practised with his dad.
“Nice to meet you, Big,” Khun Korn replied. He stepped to the left, revealing the figure behind him. “And this is Kinn. He’s around your age so you should get along well with him.”
Kinn and Big shook hands, neither managing to exchange any pleasantries.
Big was shocked by Kinn. He was already taller and more built than Big had expected judging from his brothers, but his face was also a sight to behold. His small eyes held a strange pull to them, his high nose and cheekbones supporting the charm surrounding him. A small smile danced on his lips.
“I look forward to working with you,” Kinn finally spoke out loud. A diplomatic answer, as Big would expect from the one they called the heir.
He was prepared to be the best friend to Kinn. He returned the smile to the other.
********
Big was 16, and Kinn 18, when Kinn started taking up more duties. Not by will, of course, but by the sudden decline in Khun Korn’s health. Kinn was still hidden behind the doors of the mansion, not prepared for his official introduction to the world he worked in, but all the work seemed to pass through him anyway.
Kinn was a ghost among the other gangs and organisations. Sometimes, he felt like a ghost within his own home, having to stay in his office all day behind closed doors.
Kinn’s heart lay uneasy as he snuck a look at the clock in his office. He knew Tankhun would be holed up in his room, still bitter about the ending of the show he was watching. But Kinn hadn’t heard from Kim all day. Kim was entering his rebellious stage, not something that Kinn had been afforded, but it was his first time going AWOL for a whole day.
So, Kinn sent his most trusted to find him; he sent Big. In the 3 years Big had spent in the estate, he had already become the best of the best. His abilities were almost beyond those of the bodyguards stationed with Khun Korn, a league of superheroes in the eyes of the world.
He heard the door click as the last documents of the day were sent away. He checked the clock again. 11:29 p.m. He had finished early for the day. He let his head rest against the back of the chair for a second, the silence buzzing in his ears. He heard footsteps shuffling outside the room before a knock broke the silence.
“Come in,” he replied, raising his head. Big stepped into the room, his arms covered in cuts and bruises, and his clothes in blood. The metallic smell of the blood hit Kinn immediately. The younger bowed a little before stepping up to the desk where Kinn sat.
“Kim?” Kinn inquired, hoping for some relief from the pressure building in his chest.
“He’s safe. He got into a fight with a few people from a neighbouring school and took a kick to the shin but no other injuries. He’s sleeping in his room now,” Big replied curtly. Kinn let out a sigh of relief, slumping back into his chair.
“Next time,” Kinn continued, fixing his gaze on Big’s, “let that brat get a few more kicks before you jump in.”
Big chuckled at the suggestion.
“And who would answer for me if I did that?” he inquired, his own posture relaxing under the other’s gaze.
“I would. I would tell anyone who asked that it was my order. This isn’t what you need to be guarding him from, is it? Why did you have to end up like this just because he couldn’t control his temper?” Kinn stepped up to Big, examining the cut on his forehead. Big let out a hiss as the other’s fingers wandered too close to the wound.
The words hit Big. It wasn’t the first time Kinn had shown concern for the people that worked for him but it was the first time he had shown concern for him only. Their proximity didn’t make anything better.
“You should take care,” Kinn started again. “You’re the one I can trust the most. Don’t let the idiotic endevaors of others distract you.”
Big nodded his head, unable to form any words in reply. He stepped back, putting some distance between the two. He bowed again, making to leave.
“Wait,” Kinn demanded. Big turned again, ready to hear his next assignment being handed to him. Kinn continued.
“Make sure you visit the infirmary before going back to your room. Father has asked me to attend the gala at the Embassy tomorrow. It’ll be my first time out there. I’ll need you.”
I’ll need you. It was Big’s first time hearing that. A strange and unnamed feeling bloomed in his heart.
“I’ll be there,” he replied.
“Good night, Big.”
********
Big was 20 when he realised his heart would break one day, and then over and over again.
The hopes of his youth were crushed in the palms of a newly-enamoured Kinn. Spending basically all his waking moments by Kinn’s side, having earned his respect and his concern, being his friend after hours, it should have been enough. That’s what Big thought. It should have been enough to have his affection, too.
But at 22, Kinn fell in love. A boy Big’s age from one of the old money families of Bangkok.
They first met at an auction. Big was surveilling the bar when he turned around to face the view behind him - Kinn and that boy in an easy conversation, a soft smile taking over Kinn’s face and the boy’s hand resting on his knee. Big felt a twinge of pain in his heart, like someone had wrapped a barbed wire around it. But he was on duty and he had no time for distractions. He swallowed his pain and moved on, averting his eyes from the two men for the rest of the night.
That night, as Big drove Kinn home, Kinn’s smile never once left his face. The pit in Big’s stomach grew deeper and deeper. He realised that Kinn could never smile like that for him. The final nail in his coffin.
Big thought he knew Kinn the best out of everyone. Their lives and the time they spent together overlapped almost entirely. He was right, in many ways. But that couldn’t bridge the gap between them. Kinn was still his boss and Kinn still lived in a different world.
Big grew up in a small house with nothing but his father beside him, even the latter disappearing for long periods of time, and Kinn was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Big learned how to fight in the shady streets and alleys of his neighborhood, sometimes fighting just to survive, and Kinn learned it in the cold training rooms of the mansion, an array of instructors at his disposal. If Kinn was the sky, Big was the ground, cursed to run parallel but never meet. It was that night that Big understood that he would never be able to be loved by Kinn.
He had spent many moments since he started working with Kinn, working for Kinn rather, where he imagined what they could have been under different circumstances. The way their hands could have fit together like puzzle pieces, or the way their lips could meet and let sparks fly. These fantasies, now at the tail end of a shredder, clawed into his heart.
The image seemed to look so ridiculous to himself now that he let out a small chuckle. He drove on.
Where Kinn once went to Big to discuss whatever business deal he couldn’t figure out, he now sought his lover. With Big he could talk directly, his understanding taken for granted, whereas with this new man he had to talk in analogies and metaphors, most of them flying over both their heads. Still, Big had to be the one he complained about this to.
Big put as much distance between himself and Kinn as his duties would allow, not ready yet to leave his side. He never would be, he suspected.
It was during this time that Big’s nightmares came back. He woke up in a cold sweat, the feeling of Kinn’s blood still tangible on his hands, as if the dream had followed him out into the world. Almost every night went the same. The new transfer that Big had been roomed with, Ken, bore witness to the happenings, willing himself to remain quite out of respect and fear.
Kinn was smart and observant, noticing even the slightest change in the people around him. Big was no exception.
“You’ve been having nightmares again?” he asked one day, sifting through the documents on his desk with Big’s help. The room smelled of liquor, an indicator of the sleepless nights that Kinn himself was facing.
Big stilled. Of course Kinn would know. Nothing ever went under his nose in the house.
More importantly, Kinn had been there when he was 13, fighting nightmares that had plagued him for as long as he could remember. Big had only accidentally let slip the nature of his sleep schedule, the nightmares that followed him incessantly, but Kinn had taken it seriously. Some days, the older would talk with him, discussing studies and Kim and Tankhun and movies till their eyes could no longer stay open and the lines between their role as master and servant were blurred. Other days, Kinn would sing to him, reminiscing about his dreams to become a singer and Big would laugh, the lines so far blurred that Big could no longer stop his mind from sowing the seeds of affection in his heart.
As the memories came back to him, he smiled a little, nodding in response to Kinn’s question. He had no doubt the new boy had opened his mouth out of concern, but maybe he would have to teach him a lesson about keeping quiet.
“It’s fine, sir. They’re not as bad or frequent as before. And I won’t let this affect my performance, rest assured,” he answered calmly.
“Good. You have more than me under your care, now,” Kinn replied, looking up at Big and flashing a small smile. Big knew the smile wasn’t for him. The gentle reminder of how his lover was now under Big’s care too left a bitter taste in Big’s mouth as he returned a respectful bow.
Kinn spoke up again. “Actually, I wanted to discuss the details of the deal with the Mexicans with you once. You’ve known them as long as I have. They’re planning something but I can’t figure out what.”
“Couldn’t explain this to him using cartoon characters?” Big inquired, trying to humour Kinn. Thankfully, it worked, Kinn’s smile reappearing, still feeling like a dagger being driven deeper into Big’s heart. Kinn shook his head.
“I’ll definitely need you for this,” Kinn affirmed.
Big returned his smile. “I’ll be there when you need, sir.”
Big was reminded of what his father told him a few years after his mother’s death, when he caught the latter staring at a picture of her, eyes brimming with tears.
“All love can’t be expressed to the one you love. Sometimes you have to live with it within you. It will hurt but you can live like that.”
He didn’t understand what he meant then, the words a complete mystery to him.
Now, Big understood; his love would be pain. For Kinn, however, he thought he could suffer this pain.
********
At 25, the heartbreak that Big anticipated finally came.
When he woke in one of the infirmary’s beds, his left hand in a sling and a sharp pain spreading throughout the left side of his torso, Big felt an unsettling feeling settle in his stomach.
This wasn’t his first time getting hurt, and it wouldn’t be the last, but there was a sourness that still spread in his heart.
When Big was finally back on his feet, Ken updated him about the new guy - this Porsche. Khun Korn had asked for him to work for Kinn specifically and Kinn had simply agreed, a first time for both father and son to take a stance on something so amicably.
“Does P’Chan know what’s going on?” he inquired, struggling to put his arm into the sleeve of his suit. He couldn’t say he didn’t miss the feeling of the uniform, the power that came with it, as well as the responsibility.
Ken shook his head. “If he does, he hasn’t told anyone yet.”
Big took the file with Porsche’s details in it, carefully scanning the pages. Nothing stood out to him. He was the same age as Kim, but he didn’t remember ever seeing the man around Kim. Maybe they really did want him for his skills then, Big tried to convince himself.
In his first moments there, Porsche had pulled a gun on him, and Big had matched him, pulling his other gun out. Big was convinced the fool was going to be kicked out for this. They had rules, and he was breaking them. Big did not feel guilty about the pleasure he felt. Instead, however, it was Big being told off.
“You do know the rules,” P’Chan had stated as Big avoided his accusatory gaze.
As Big and Ken showed Porsche around the place, introducing him to the routine and being met with the other’s blase behaviour, he thought it would surely be the end of his time there. Instead, he had boldly stated he wanted to be their boss in front of Khun Korn and Kinn, and the two had just smiled and moved on.
Khun Korn could go with this, consider it a joke or a serious request and Big wouldn’t care for a single second. It was Kinn’s smile that caught him off-guard. It pushed him back to the night in the car many years ago when he had seen Kinn let out his genuine smile for what seemed like the first time; it was the same smile.
He reminded himself that a smile could mean anything. They were still worlds apart, Kinn and Porsche; they were still master and servant.
What Big didn’t expect was to be banished - to be sent to look after the third son, the prince that nary a soul had seen. Big liked Kim, he cared for him even, but the younger was still the same child that he had seen on his first day at the mansion on his first day - someone who sent a chill down his spine with his words.
As he informed Kim about Porsche, a certain eagerness grew in his heart. Kim had always been smart, much smarter than he would let on, and Big hoped quietly that he could see the mess that Porsche would leave in his wake.
Instead, Kim had silently jabbed a dagger through Big’s heart.
“Everyone wants to steal Kinn away for themselves,” Kim had remarked, still not looking at Big. “Do you want one heartbroken song?”
Big chuckled, the sound echoing in Kim’s sparsely decorated apartment. Kinn was perceptive, he had to be, but Kim seemed to carry a natural talent for it. The things that the older couldn’t see, the younger couldn’t miss.
Returning to Kinn’s side, however, was worse. The night of the diamond auction, the night that Kinn had haphazardly thrown all the bodyguards out of the room, staying behind with Porsche, the feelings that Big had thought he had suppressed successfully in the past 5 years resurfaced. Except this time, he had nothing to blame, no explanation for Kinn’s behaviour.
What made Big different from Porsche? The question echoed in his mind all night.
The next day, when Kinn doled out the order for Porsche’s punishment, joy bloomed in Big’s heart, some semblance of control sneaking back into his life. He knew the punishment was too harsh, unjust even, but it didn’t matter. In some ways, he could see himself in Porsche - what he could have had, what he could be.
I don’t hate you, Porsche, Big thought as his foot landed on Porsche’s ribs, a grunt escaping his mouth.
I hate what you have. A second kick landed on his hip.
I hate him. The third kick landed on Porsche’s chest.
After Porsche had finished carrying out his punishment, and Ken gone to report the same to Kinn, Big was left behind in the empty training room. His body seemed to buzz with a residual hatred, a bubbling excitement at this petty revenge. Even the scar from where he had been shot seemed to pulsate.
The next Big heard of Porsche was that he had been sent away, given 7 days to think about his position. This was a luxury afforded for the first time in the household, it should have felt wrong, but the relief that washed over Big after hearing of Porsche’s absence was too all-consuming for him to even notice the irregularity.
So, when Big was woken up in the middle of the night with news of Kinn’s kidnapping, he knew it would have something to do with the honey-skinned boy. As he chased the truck that held the two of them, Big wondered for a brief moment if he could leave Porsche there, save Kinn and let the other fend for himself. The brutality of the thought scared his own self.
As they scoured the forests for the two, Big hoped they would just find Kinn, that the other would be long forgotten. As they called out their names, Porsche’s never once left Big’s lips. When they found them, one falling over the other, blood seeping through his shirt in the pale moonlight, Big felt the taste of blood in his own mouth. With a stern face, he rushed to their side, dragging Kinn closer and planning the shortest way back to their vehicles.
Big wasn’t allowed to keep watch over Kinn’s hospital room despite his demands, the scar from where he had been shot having reopened due to the events of the past few days. He refused to visit the infirmary, bandaging the wound on his own, making sure to let the pain linger, letting it provide some much needed distraction.
When he did manage to sneak into the hospital, gaining a look of confusion and a bow from the bodyguards stationed there, he made a beeline for the room he knew was Kinn’s. Khun Korn had scheduled a visit with his heir, and that left no one at the estate to stop Big from escaping. If nothing, he just wanted to take one look at the other man, to know if his heart was still beating, his breathing still stable.
Big turned the handle on the door gently, making sure to not make any noise. The room smelled like medicines and bleach, the residual scent of daisies hanging in the air from a bouquet that now lay in the dustbin. Kinn hated flowers.
As he moved forward, Big saw a sight that ripped his heart from his body, tearing it to shreds.
There was something beautiful about it too, he thought. Where Kinn lay propped against a pillow, clearly deep asleep, a small smile rested on his lips. Big thought about how he had started to hate this smile. Resting on Kinn’s stomach, just inches below where his bandages wrapped around his ivory torso, was Porsche. Porsche’s eyebrows were furrowed, yet a smile still danced on his lips too. Just below Porsche’s head were two hands, intertwined and holding on to each other for their lives.
Big’s eyes felt strange, like tears should have appeared within them but couldn’t. Rather, a burning feeling spread across his eyes, casting a certain redness to them. A deep sigh left his mouth, the sound reminding him where he was standing.
In the bed, Kinn stirred, his eyes fluttering open and noticing Big. For a brief moment, his eyes widened as his gaze shifted from Big’s stern face to Porsche’s relaxed face under his own hand. He tried to shift further, but his wound still limited him.
Seeing Kinn wince, Big closed his eyes for a second, taking the time to compose himself. He pointed at Porsche and held up five fingers, mouthing “five minutes” to Kinn. Five minutes is all he could give Kinn to save himself. Kinn acknowledged his grace, throwing him that wretched smile of his.
Big bowed and headed back towards the door. Outside, he dismissed the guards that were on duty, ordering them to take a break.
As he was left alone in the large hallway, the dim lighting leaving him in a dark spot, he closed his eyes again. It wasn’t that he wasn’t anticipating this, of course. But anticipating it and feeling it cut into him were two different things. It was only in such small increments, like the five minutes he gave Kinn now, that he could protect Kinn now. As he heard the chatter of the bodyguards returning, he let out a breath, opening his eyes and returning to the hardheaded and diligent bodyguard that they knew him to be.
Big knew heartbreak now, in its true form. It felt foreign, it felt uncontrollable. He continued standing at the door.