Work Text:
Dusk is fast approaching. The Icehouse is closed, but an orange glow seeps through the open windows. From her seat at one of the outside tables, Joey can see the silhouettes of the wait staff as they wipe down and re-set tables in readiness for the following day.
Today has been warm and sunny, but now there’s a nip in the air. Joey shivers in her thin sweater and pulls her jacket around her shoulders. A good number of evening strollers meander past on the boardwalk and she follows the progress of one couple idly, smiling faintly as the man puts his arm around the woman’s shoulder and pulls her closer to his side.
These late summer vacationers probably had a happy, carefree day. Joey wishes she was one of them. For her, the day was sad and wearying, a day of wildly vacillating emotions.
They had said their final goodbyes to Jen Lindley today.
The words ‘cremation’ and ‘memorial’ form in her mind and they feel surreal. Only Grams and Jen’s parents had attended the crematorium. Afterwards, a small group of Jen’s closest friends gathered on the bank of the creek for an informal time of thanksgiving. Jen had forbidden them from calling it a funeral. Everyone took a turn sharing why Jen had been special to them. It was a poignant time, heartrending yet somehow also uplifting to see how greatly Jen had been loved. Pacey closed the Icehouse for the formal wake and people poured in to share their memories of Jen, laughter mixing with tears.
Joey gazes out across the harbor, idly counting the number of expensive yachts moored within her sightline. She feels hollow and drained, not just from the events of the day but from the thoughts and emotions that have churned through her since her return to Capeside just over two weeks ago. After they discovered Jen’s illness, her mind was mainly occupied with the inevitability of her friend’s death. But constantly in the background were thoughts about her own life and her conviction, crystalised by the reality of Jen’s illness, that she has some significant decisions to make about her future.
An elderly woman stops just outside the entrance to the Icehouse and Joey sees that she has a small chihuahua on a long lead. The little dog sniffs the ground around the restaurant sign, then looks up and spots Joey. Its ears perk up, its tail wags vigorously and it runs up the path towards her, its owner following in its wake. Amused, as she isn’t usually such a dog magnet, Joey leans down to pet the small beast as it rolls onto its back and bares its belly, begging for attention.
“I’m so sorry, she loves meeting new people,” the woman says. “It’s Joey, isn’t it, Joey Potter?”
Joey had thought the woman looked familiar and now, as she takes in the round face and tight gray curls, she recognises her. Mrs Taylor had been the school secretary for the whole time Joey attended Capeside High. She has fond memories of the motherly woman who was kind to all the students and took a genuine interest in their lives.
“Hi, Mrs Taylor. It’s good to see you. How are you?”
Mrs Taylor flops down into a seat across from Joey. “Oh, I can’t complain. I’m retired now, of course. My grandchildren and little Mischief here keep me busy. You’re in town for Jennifer Lindley’s funeral? Such a tragic loss.”
Joey nods and continues to pet the dog, not trusting herself to speak.
“And you, dear?” Mrs Taylor goes on. “Bessie told me you’re working in New York?”
Joey looks up. “I am. I’m just a junior editor, but I’m hoping to work my way up.”
“You were one of our brightest students, I always knew you’d do well. But why are you sitting out here all alone?”
“Just waiting for a friend to finish work.”
Mrs Taylor nodded knowingly. “Pacey Witter, I assume?” At Joey’s nod, she continues, “Such a lovely young man. I’ve brought my grandchildren to the Icehouse as a treat several times since he re-opened it. And Pacey always takes time to make a fuss of them. He was one of my favourites, you know. Always into some kind of mischief, but such a charmer and such a big heart.” Her eyes twinkle. “You two were quite an item in your senior year.”
Joey swallows, memories threatening to engulf her. “That was a long time ago.”
Mrs Taylor looks as if she wants to say something more on the subject, then appears to change her mind and says instead, “I believe I caught sight of Dawson Leery yesterday. He was another of your friends, I think? He’s done so well for himself with that television show. I know it isn’t aimed at grandmothers like me, so don’t tell anyone, but I watch it avidly every week.”
Joey smiled. “So do I.”
“I really hope he gives it a happy ending. I do so love a happy ending.”
Joey doesn’t respond. The last thing she wants to discuss is the ending of Dawson’s show.
“Well, I must be getting along,” Mrs Taylor says, after a short and slightly awkward silence. “It was lovely to see you, Joey and do tell Pacey how much I enjoy his restaurant.”
“I will. It was nice to see you too, Mrs Taylor.”
The elderly woman gives the lead a firm tug and Mischief obediently rights herself and follows her mistress down the path. Joey watches their slow progress along the boardwalk until they are out of sight.
Joey sighs. This is one of the reasons she doesn’t return to Capeside very often. Too much history, too many memories. Memories of senior year when she had been sure that her own story would have a happy ending. She’d been so confident that whatever the future held, she and Pacey would face it together. She’d been blind and naïve, thinking that love was enough. And she’d made so many mistakes.
One of those mistakes was Dawson Leery.
Dawson and Pacey. Pacey and Dawson. She can barely remember a time when one or both of them hasn’t been a part of her life. Even as far back as first grade, they had been her closest friends – or perhaps ‘friendly enemies’ is a better way to describe her early relationship with Pacey. The truth is, it was always the three of them, even before the loathsome love triangle complicated their lives, bringing with it heartache, betrayal, and broken friendships.
She had been thrown by her unexpected encounter with Dawson at the gas station on her arrival in Capeside two weeks ago. She wasn’t prepared for it, which seems ridiculous on reflection, as she’d known she was bound to see him sometime that day.
She examined her emotions carefully after this encounter. She was happy to see him, of course. They rarely meet in person these days and it’s been a long time since she’s been free to climb the ladder to his bedroom whenever she needs someone to talk to.
There was a time when she couldn’t imagine her life without Dawson’s constant presence. But distance has put their friendship in perspective. She no longer feels that need for him. Knowing that he’ll always be there for her and that he’s only a phone call away is enough. She’s aware that this is a good thing, a healthy thing. She knows only too well that her reliance on Dawson and her inability to let go of his friendship has been the root cause of so many problems. She’s moved on now and seeing him once more confirmed that.
Seeing Pacey again had been a vastly different experience. He greeted her enthusiastically as she walked through the door of the Icehouse and as he swung her off her feet into a bear hug, the familiar emotional and physical desire for him had hit her with force. He wore a black shirt with light slacks, and he looked so good; he felt good too, the muscles of his back hard and defined as she tightened her arms around him. She was filled with longing and wanted him desperately at that moment. And the next day, when he kissed her during the dance, she very nearly pushed him to the floor and ravished him there and then. She flushes at the memory, at the sheer intensity of her physical reaction to him.
It had brought back a flood of memories of their relationship during senior year when they hadn’t been able to keep their hands off each other. There was no denying their physical chemistry, but their connection was so much more than that. Joey loved him for his humor, his kindness and his big heart always worn on his sleeve for everyone to see. She loved him for the way he made her feel like the most special person in the world. He knew her, understood her and accepted her like no one else ever had.
It still hurts to remember the way things ended between them. Over the years she’s come to understand that while he had broken up with her in the most hurtful way possible, she bore her own share of responsibility for the breakup. She’d been so wrapped up in her plans for college that she hadn’t stopped to think about him and his feelings. She hadn’t considered how it must have felt for him to listen to his friends talking about their college acceptances while facing the prospect of being left behind. She hadn’t understood that he’d felt every inch the failure his family had spent seventeen years convincing him he was. He'd been falling apart for months, and she hadn’t seen it. She’d failed him.
And in the background of all of this had been Pacey’s erstwhile best friend, Dawson Leery. Joey hadn’t realized at the time how deeply Pacey had been hurt by her constant fretting over Dawson’s feelings nor how badly it had damaged their relationship.
The truth is, she and Pacey had hurt each other, and their relationship had never recovered.
She sighs, bringing her thoughts back to the here and now. Pacey should walk out of that door any minute. She watches the door for a while, but there’s no sign of him and she sighs again and returns to her reflections.
After her conversation with Pacey in the kitchen was interrupted earlier, Joey tried but failed to carve out more time alone with him and finally accepted defeat, leaving with Jack to escort Grams back to the Potter B&B.
Grams took to her bed, exhausted by the events of the day. Jack took Amy to the beach while Joey rowed across to Dawson’s house, unsurprised to find him sitting alone on the picnic table in the yard.
She joined him there, anxious to talk to him. She’d done a lot of thinking over the past two weeks and was ready to set things straight, once and for all. She was uncomfortably aware that Dawson may still harbor romantic feelings for her. She had seen the evidence of it in the intense glances he’d been shooting her way for the past couple of weeks.
As they talked, he made it clear that he’d also been doing some thinking and after a while, he made a typically dramatic declaration. She remembers his words exactly. “In some unearthly way, it’s always going to be you and me. What we have goes beyond friendship, beyond lovers, it’s forever.” Those words made her feel a little uncomfortable, but she agreed that they were soulmates.
Soulmates. That word had caused so much pain and anguish over the years. Dawson had continually called her his soulmate and she’d always thought it was a good term to describe their friendship. The complication came when they tried to be more than friends. Fifteen-year-old Joey had thought she was in love with Dawson Leery. It was ironic then, that after they finally got together it didn’t take long for her to realise that they didn’t make a good couple. After several attempts to rekindle their relationship, she acknowledged the truth that she didn’t love him that way, but his inability to accept that truth was the root cause of much heartache down the years.
Now, after their earlier conversation, she’s sure that they’re on the same page, that they both know that what they have is a deep and ongoing connection which is, and always will be, based on friendship, not romance.
Dawson seems to see that connection as more real, more significant than if they are lovers. That isn’t at all how she sees it, but it’s typical of Dawson to re-imagine the facts in a way that suits his cinematic and romantic view of life. It doesn’t matter. It won’t change anything. And she does love him. He’s been her friend for twenty years and she wants him to remain part of her life.
She hopes he made that speech today because he, like her, has finally accepted the truth and that if he ever again asked her to choose between her two would-be lovers, she would have no hesitation in making that choice.
Dawson Leery was and is her best friend, but she is, and always has been, hopelessly in love with Pacey Witter.
After a few more minutes of fruitless waiting, there’s still no sign of Pacey. She’s so antsy that she can’t sit still any longer. She gets up and starts pacing, circling the deck, and weaving her way around the tables.
Her thoughts stray to her last conversation with Jen at the hospital.
It makes her heart ache to think that only a week ago she’d been sitting on her friend’s hospital bed, pouring out her heart. Jen has always been the agony aunt of the group and while Joey felt it insensitive to talk about her own problems at such a time, Jen was insistent and God knows, Joey needed to talk.
Joey tried to explain that Dawson had it all wrong in his show. The question has never been about who she was supposed to be with. No, the real issue has always been her fear of the future and her reluctance to let go of the past.
Dawson’s arrival interrupted their conversation, but she returned to Jen’s bedside later and poured out her heart in a way she’d never done before.
“So?” Jen asked anxiously as soon as Dawson left the room. “Just tell me. Which one of them are you supposed to be with?”
“It’s Pacey,” she said simply.
Jen sighed theatrically. “I knew that. When did you work it out?”
Joey blew out a long breath. “I think I’ve always known it, ever since the first time he kissed me.”
“So, what I don’t understand,” Jen said, her voice a little breathless now, “is why the two of you aren’t together. You’re meant to be, Joey. Your friends all know it, even Dawson if he could allow himself to admit it. You’ve never stopped loving Pacey and he’s never stopped loving you.”
Joey bit her lip. “Sometimes love isn’t enough.”
Jen raised an eyebrow. “That’s true,” she agreed. “Sometimes there are insurmountable difficulties that hold a relationship back. What are yours?”
Joey shrugged. “I don’t know, everything’s against us. I’m in New York, he has a successful restaurant here. We haven’t seen each other for close to a year. We move in different circles…”
“Pfft.” Jen waved a hand. “None of that is a problem. People work things like that out all the time. So, what’s the real problem? What are you afraid of, Joey?”
Joey found herself squirming in the light of Jen’s annoying perceptiveness. Jen had hit the jackpot. It was all about fear. She said slowly, trying to work it through in her own head, “After we broke up, everyone kept telling me that it’s normal to move on from your High School boyfriend. And I tried. I tried so hard. I pushed my feelings down deep and I was determined to forget him. I forced myself to be happy for him when he was seeing Audrey, and I told myself that I was moving on when I met Eddie. Then Pacey and I reconnected and that scared me so much that I pushed him away.”
“But why, Joey?”
Joey sighed ad rubbed a hand across her face. “I think… I think I was afraid that I loved him too much. And what if he hurt me again, or I hurt him, like in senior year? I couldn’t go through that again, and I don’t think he could either. So, any time we start getting too close, I run.”
Jen sighed. “You’re right, those were very valid concerns once. When you broke up you were seventeen years old. You both made mistakes. You were obsessed with your desire to get to college. Pacey was crippled by self-doubt and insecurity. And then there was Dawson, like a specter in the background. You and Pacey needed time apart; you both needed to live your own lives for a while. But that was seven years ago, Joey. He’s changed, and so have you. And if you still love each other after all this time, doesn’t that tell you something? There’s no need to run anymore. You know this. So, I ask again, what is it that you’re afraid of right now?”
Joey swallowed a sudden lump in her throat. “You’re right,” she whispered. “That’s not why I’m afraid now. I’m done running. What I’m really afraid of is that I’ve left it too late. That he doesn’t want me anymore.”
Jen snorted a laugh that left her gesturing for the glass of water on her table. Joey put it into her hand and Jen took a few sips before responding. “Joey, I promise you, that man loves you as much now as he ever has. Ask Jack if you don’t believe me. They’ve been pretty tight since Jack moved back to Capeside.”
Then she gripped Joey’s hand, leaning forward, expression serious and intense. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned since I got ill, it’s to grasp happiness when you can, because you never know how much time you have left. Stop running, Joey. Tell him that you love him and that you want to be with him. What do you have to lose?”
Joey blows out a long breath and glances at the door again. If he doesn’t come out soon, she’s going to go in there and drag him out. He owns the place, for heaven’s sake, doesn’t he have staff to do the cleanup?
Even as the thought goes through her mind, she rolls her eyes derisively, because that isn’t Pacey’s way. He’ll be working alongside his staff and is sure to be the last to leave.
She settles back in her chair and replays in her mind some of the things he said to her earlier.
“You’re off the hook; I have always, always loved you; I have to be happy now; The simple act of being in love with you is enough for me.”
At the time her heart had leapt, and she couldn’t wait to jump in and tell him how she feels. But now his words jumble in her mind, and she begins to doubt. Not the fact that he had loved her. She knows that, and he’d made it clear again when they briefly rekindled their romance five years ago before she left him to chase after Eddie. She’s had a long time to wonder what would have happened if she’d had the courage to stay with him then, how their lives would have turned out.
But she wasn’t ready then. She was a coward and had run from him. And this afternoon he said, “I have always loved you.” Surely that means that he did and still does love her, right? But is that what he meant to say? She gnaws on her lip. Perhaps he meant to say, “I used to love you”, and actually meant that it’s too late, that he’s made peace with the past and now he’s ready to make a life for himself that doesn’t include her. It’s been five years, after all. Far too long to expect someone to wait. What if she’s finally decided what she wants, and it’s too late? She remembers Jen’s words, her assurance that Pacey loves her more now than he ever has. But what if Jen was wrong?
The thought of losing him fills her with panic. She goes over and over the words she said back to him. She told him clearly that she loves him, that she doesn’t want to run anymore. Didn’t she? And she told him that her love for Dawson is platonic, “pure and eternally innocent.” She cringes. Did she have to be so theatrical? Couldn’t she have just said that she loves Dawson as a friend? But surely Pacey understood what she was saying. Didn’t he? He asked her to explain what she meant, and then Bessie interrupted and then … well, now here she is, sitting outside his restaurant waiting for him to appear so they can finish what they started.
His restaurant. He owns a restaurant! She marvels at how much he’s achieved since the day he returned to Capeside after the stock market fiasco, left with little but the clothes he was wearing, so lost and alone and broken. While he seems to think that his achievement is less than hers or Dawsons, she knows that it’s greater; he’s overcome so much to get to where he is today. She’s so proud of him. She’s always been proud of him.
She wishes she’d told him that more often.
Joey jerks back from her reminiscences as the door opens and staff begin to drift out from the Icehouse, chatting and laughing with each other. One or two of them smile at her and say goodnight as they pass.
Her heart rate speeds up, and her mouth goes dry in anticipation.
Pacey finally appears, turning to switch off the final light and lock the main door. He pauses in the doorway, rotating his head and rubbing the back of his neck. He looks exhausted and she wants to put her arms around him and hold him close.
He hasn’t seen her yet and she has a moment to study him. He’s still wearing the light slacks and ocean blue shirt he’d worn earlier, a shirt that exactly matches the color of his eyes. His face is softly lit by one of the outside lamps and he looks so handsome. She knows he doesn’t see himself that way. And maybe he isn’t the conventional poster boy for tall, dark, and handsome. But when his eyes are sparkling with mischief and that broad smile lights up his face, to her he's breath-taking.
He turns to walk down the path and stops when he spots her.
“Joey! You’re here.”
She stands up, surreptitiously wiping her now sweaty palms on her jeans. “Glad to see you still have that eagle eye, Witter.”
Pacey smirks. “Not much gets past me, Potter. I thought you’d gone back to the B&B.”
She cocks her head. “Can’t wait to see the back of me?”
He eyes her critically. “Well, it is a very attractive backside, so if you’re offering a viewing?”
She marches up to him and swats him hard on the arm. “Thoughts in the gutter as usual.”
“Ouch!” He glares at her, rubbing the spot. “You’re a dangerous weapon, Jo. How could I have forgotten?”
It’s her turn to smirk. “You know it. Dangerous weapons have to be treated with respect.”
He grins. “I’ll bear that in mind. Walk with me?”
She falls into step beside him, and they stroll together along the familiar boardwalk in companionable silence.
“Tough day,” she says after a while.
Pacey blows out a long breath. “The toughest.”
“You did us proud at the wake. It was good of you to close the restaurant for the day. You must have lost out on a lot of paying customers.”
He shrugs and she frowns. “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“When someone compliments you, you always shrug it off, as if you don’t think it’s true.” She looks up at his profile. “You’ve done amazingly well, Pace. Five years ago, you’d hit rock bottom. But you picked yourself up, you took those courses in catering and business studies and you’ve opened a successful restaurant. Aren’t you proud of what you’ve achieved? I’m proud of you and so are all your friends.”
“Thanks, Jo,” he says quietly. “I guess I am proud of the way I’ve turned things around. It’s just…” he trails off. Then he grins and gestures to the fading bruises on his face. “Of course, the patented Witter talent for self-destruction still has to find an outlet somewhere.”
Joey rolls her eyes. “You need to be more careful. I kind of like your face the way it is.”
“You do? I wish you’d said that before I booked myself in for the plastic surgery.”
Joey regards the deadpan expression on his face and raises an eyebrow. “Mm-hmm. Chin tuck? Forehead lift? Oh, I know, it has to be nothing less than a complete facelift.”
“Nose job, actually,” he says airily.
“Uh Huh. What look are you going for? Brad Pitt? Tom Cruise?”
“I was thinking more Jack McPhee. Narrow but elegant.”
Joey bursts out laughing at the thought of Jack’s nose on Pacey’s face. She reaches up and pats his cheek. “On second thought, cancel the appointment. As I said, I kind of like your face the way it is.”
Pacey sighs theatrically. “Whatever the lady says.”
They continue to walk. Joey’s trying to act casual. It doesn’t matter how long they’re apart; whenever they meet, they fall effortlessly into the familiar banter. Yet her stomach is churning, she feels slightly sick and her heart is hammering so loud she’s surprised he can’t hear it.
She doesn’t know how to start the conversation they need to have, so she looks out over the water and says lamely, “I’d almost forgotten how beautiful it is here when the sun’s going down.”
Pacey’s eyes follow hers and she wonders what he sees as he looks at the horizon. “Well, it is almost a year since you’ve been back home.”
“Yeah,” she says regretfully, “Life’s been busy.”
He bumps her hip with his. “Life in the big city, eh, never a dull moment. All those parties to attend, the schmoozin’, the boozin’, brushing shoulders with the upper echelons.”
Joey rolls her eyes. “Believe me, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.” She thinks of the many nights she’s spent alone in her flat, the arguments with Christopher about how unsociable she is. She isn’t cut out for that life, never has been.
“No? I thought you were living your dream, Jo,” Pacey says lightly.
She glances up at him. “So did I,” she admits honestly.
He takes her elbow to steer her around a couple blocking the boardwalk and they are passing a row of small sailboats moored side by side when Pacey stops suddenly and turns to face her. There’s a note she can’t quite identify in his voice as he asks, “Do you remember I once asked you if I ever owned a sailboat again, would you go sailing with me?”
Of course, she remembers. The actual words he’d said are seared into her memory. “If I were lucky enough one day to find myself owning a sailboat again, and I were to ask the woman that I love to go sailing with me, would she?” It was soon after their breakup at senior prom, the last conversation they’d had before he left to catch a flight to Miami, en route to the Caribbean. It was the moment she’d accepted that he was really leaving and that he needed to go. In the weeks and months of heartbreak that followed, she’d treasured those words because of the hope they held for the future.
“Of course, I remember,” she replies quietly. “And I told you that you wouldn’t have to ask.”
Pacey studies her face, his expression unreadable. Then he gestures to the boat he’s standing alongside. It’s a little larger than True Love had been, gleaming white with red trimming.
“Well, welcome to the True Love II.”
Her eyes widen in surprised delight. “Pacey! She’s yours?”
Pacey jumps up on deck. “Who else do you think would own a boat called True Love II?” he teases. “I know it’s a really, really unimaginative name, but I wanted her to have something of the original about her.”
“She’s beautiful.”
“Thanks. She’s another doer-upper, but she wasn’t in such a sorry state as the original True Love, so it didn’t take quite so long to restore her.”
Joey feels their history swirling around them like mist. She has a treasure chest of happy memories of the idyllic summer they spent together on True Love, a chest she dares to open up and dip into at times when she allows herself to admit how much she misses him. From his expression, she knows that he too is well aware of the significance of this moment.
She swallows a sudden flood of emotion and looks up at him. “Permission to come aboard?”
Pacey’s eyes hold hers for one long moment, then his signature shit-eating grin lights up his face. “Permission granted.”
He reaches down to help her and as his much larger hand envelopes hers, she feels an electric charge shoot through her body. It’s always been this way, every single time he touches her. She flashes back to the moment at Aunt Gwen’s house when she’d first acknowledged her feelings to him and herself. She’d said, “I felt it.” She’d felt it then and she feels it now. He’s the only one who has ever made her feel truly alive.
When she’s safely on board, Pacey leans back against the wall of the cabin, casually folds his arms and clears his throat. “So,” he begins, and his voice is a little unsteady. “When we were rudely interrupted by what felt like every citizen of Capeside, I think you were about to say something important.”
“I was. I am.” Joey takes a deep breath, and her mind goes blank, all her carefully rehearsed words flying away across the darkening sea. “I… it’s just…” Her voice comes out as a squeak and she stops, licking her dry lips.
He’s silent, waiting. He looks calm but she sees a muscle flex in his jaw, a sure tell that he’s as nervous as she is. Somehow, knowing that gives her courage. She starts to speak again, her voice stronger. “Being back in Capeside, losing Jen… it’s made me think about my life, about what I really want. And as I said earlier, it’s made me face the fact that I’ve been running away for a long time.”
“What exactly have you been running from, Jo?” Pacey asks softly.
Joey takes a deep breath. “I’ve been running from you, Pacey. From my feelings for you. Because I love you, Pace. I never stopped loving you and it scares me because we once broke each other’s hearts, and I was terrified of that happening again.”
Pacey frowns and she wants to reach out and kiss the deep furrow that appears between his brows. “Joey, I’m…”
She shakes her head. “Don’t say you’re sorry. I know you are, and I forgave you a long time ago. And I’m sorry too, for not supporting you back then when your life was falling apart and for letting you think for even one minute that you weren’t the most important person in my life. But the past is the past.”
He opens his mouth again and she wags a finger at him. “Uh-huh. It’s my turn to talk.”
His mouth snaps shut.
She goes on, “I’ve tried to make a success of my life. I guess I’m well on my way to having everything I thought I wanted. I live in New York; I have a decent job with prospects of promotion. And I’ve been in a couple of serious relationships. Each time I tried to convince myself that this was it, that I’d found the person I was meant to be with, that I was going to get my happy ending. But each time, I bailed because I knew in my heart that it wasn’t true. I’ve just broken up with Christopher because he deserves better than being second best.”
Pacey’s eyebrows shoot up, but she shushes him before he can speak. She rushes on, words tumbling out faster now, “He isn’t the one, Pacey, because it’s always been you. It’s only ever been you. I knew it back in college when I left you to be with Eddie, and I did that because Eddie was safe and you, Pace, you’ve never been safe. And I thought safe was what I wanted. What I needed. But I was wrong.”
She pauses, trying and failing to read his expression, then continues, the words coming even faster. “I know it’s taken me a long time to get here. You’ve always been the brave one, the one who’s not afraid to move forward and take chances. And I’ve always been the coward, scared of the future, always wanting things to stay the same. And if I’m too late, if you’ve decided to move on and forget me, then I have no right to ask you for anything different.” She looks directly into his eyes. “But I need you to know that if you still love me, then I want to be with you, Pacey. I love you. I want you. I always have and I always will.”
Pacey is silent for what is probably only seconds but feels to Joey like minutes. She tries to swallow past the sudden lump of fear that sticks in her throat. Jen’s words come back to her. “What have you got to lose?” The answer is nothing. And everything.
Joey grasps her courage. “So, I’m going to count to ten,” she says slowly, “and if you haven’t kissed me by the time I…”
Her remaining words are lost as he steps forward and pulls her into his arms, his lips closing on hers and the passion and need he sinks into that kiss say more than any words.
After long moments he breaks the kiss and rests his forehead against hers. When he speaks his voice near her ear is low and husky, full of emotion. “I didn’t know what to think after we talked this afternoon. I was afraid you were going to tell me I was right to give up hope. And now I’m scared that you haven’t just said those words, that you didn’t just tell me you’ve always loved me, that I’m going to wake up on the couch in my office with a crick in my neck and realize that this was just a dream.”
Lightheaded with relief, Joey playfully pinches him on the arm and smirks as he yelps. “Is that proof enough that this isn’t a dream, Pace? Maybe I should say those words again, just to be sure you heard me right?”
His mouth widens in a smile. “I guess it couldn’t hurt, now, could it?”
She cups his face in the palms of her hands, looks deep into his eyes, and says slowly and clearly, “Pacey Witter, I’m in love with you and I want to be with you more than anything else in the world.”
Pacey’s smile broadens. “Maybe just one more time to be sure? You know I can be a bit slow on the…”
She pulls his face closer, and his words are cut off as she kisses him, only breaking away to murmur, “I love you, dumbass.”
“Hey,” he mutters against her mouth, “Don’t you think it’s rude to insult a man for whom you’ve just declared your undying love?”
“Honesty is the foundation of all good relationships,” she shoots back.
Then a thought occurs to her. She has to be sure. She breaks the kiss and pushes against his chest to create a little distance between them.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, eyes searching hers worriedly.
“Pacey, are you sure this is what you want? Because what you said earlier…”
“I meant every word I said earlier,” he interrupts. “I have always and will always love you. But losing Jen made me realize that I couldn’t go on just hoping that one day you’d come back to me. I decided I had to try to move on.”
“But that’s not what you really want?”
He chuckles. “Of course, that’s not what I want. I want you, Jo, you know that!”
Her heart sings and she willingly allows him to pull her close again. She presses her body against his, one hand buried in his hair, the other pulling urgently at his shirt and undershirt so she can run her fingers up the smooth, warm skin of his back. Pacey growls deep in his throat and begins to trail kisses down her neck.
The sound of loud clapping intrudes on the moment. Joey frowns at the unwelcome interruption and peers over Pacey’s shoulder. She sees three familiar figures just a few feet away on the boardwalk. The clapping originates with Jack and Andie, standing side-by-side, big cheesy grins on their faces. Beside them is Dawson. He isn’t clapping, but although she can’t quite read his expression, she can see that he’s smiling.
She hisses, “Pacey,” and tries to pull away, but he groans in protest, tightens his grip, and pulls her back.
“Pacey!” she says louder, pushing firmly at his chest. “We have an audience!”
Slowly her words penetrate and Pacey’s head snaps around.
Andie cocks her head to one side. “Hi, guys. Whatcha doin’?”
Joey feels her face flare red, yet she has trouble wiping the smile off her face. She turns to face them, pulling her hand from beneath Pacey’s shirt as nonchalantly as possible.
“Just doing a little stargazing,” Pacey says casually.
Dawson’s eyes lift to the starless sky, and he raises an eyebrow.
Jack clears his throat. “So,” he says, scratching his chin, “Just to prevent the possibility of any misunderstanding here, is this a one-off grope fest…”
Andie elbows him. “Stargazing, Jack, they’re stargazing.”
“I stand corrected. Is this stargazing a one-off occurrence, or can we assume that you two are back together?”
Joey glances at Pacey and in reply, he drops a sloppy kiss on her forehead.
She turns back to the trio. “We’re back together,” she says firmly. “For good.”
Jack wipes his brow theatrically. “Thank God. I thought it was never going to happen. Jen’s been telling me for years that it was inevitable…”
He trails off and everyone goes silent as thoughts of their missing friend rush in.
Joey feels the familiar sharp pain and wonders if it will ever dull. Will there always be this empty, gaping hole when they’re together, the mere mention of Jen’s name silencing every conversation?
Pacey jumps down onto the boardwalk, looking stricken. “I’m so sorry man, we’re being insensitive. This isn’t the time.”
Jack slowly shakes his head. “No. It is the time. It’s the best time. Jen always wanted her friends to be happy. I just wish she were here to see it.”
Joey steps down beside Pacey and puts a hand on Jack’s arm. “She knew, Jack,” she says softly. “We talked in the hospital. She knew.”
Pacey raises a questioning eyebrow.
“Later,” she mouths.
Dawson clears his throat. “Well, Jack’s right. This is what Jen would want. So, we should celebrate.”
“Well said, Dawson.” Andie bounces up and throws her arms around Joey and suddenly there are hugs and handshakes all around and the dockside fills with laughing voices.
Joey finds herself facing Dawson. His eyes hold hers and he smiles and nods slightly. She smiles back.
Dawson turns to Pacey and holds out his hand. Pacey hesitates for a moment, then takes it and they shake firmly. Dawson looks Pacey in the eye and says, “My two best friends kissing. What could be better than that?”
For Joey, there is meaning enough in the words ‘my two best friends’ but from the way Pacey’s face lights up, she’s sure there’s an additional significance to the statement. She’ll ask him about it later.
She leans back into the warmth of Pacey’s body and his arms come around her, fingers linking together around her middle, and she puts her hands over his and rests her head against his shoulder. She half listens as Andie babbles about meeting up again soon and the past eight years melt away and she’s sixteen again, full of butterflies and passion and raging hormones.
The fear that has plagued her for so long is gone, replaced by contentment and hope. It occurs to her that this moment marks the final curtain on her and Pacey’s teenage romance.
And that’s OK, because it’s also the beginning of their future life together.