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The house was quiet. Empty. Still.
She had planned meticulously for this, she had expected this, and a part of her had even yearned for this….and yet….
It was near unbearable.
The hallway was ordered. There were no shoes almost tripping her as she made her way in. There were no jackets thrown over the couch, no bags slung around the floor, no sheets of paper piled up on the dining room table. The kitchen was tidy, almost exactly as she had left it this morning. Everything was so neat. Just the way she had always longed for it to be….and yet….
And then there was a sound. The smallest disruption. If it was near unbearable for her, already, then….
Michiru made her way to their bedroom, not surprised when she pushed open the door to find a huddled form completely hidden by the covers and even less surprised that the quiet sobs she had heard were coming from the very same huddled form. She sat down on their bed, and laid a hand gently atop the blankets. “Darling…”
The sobbing abated, just a little. “Hmph?”
“I thought you had planned to go into work today.”
“I did….but…I was too sad.”
“Oh love,” Michiru said, as she reached over to pull the blankets back. She met some unexpected resistance as the blankets tugged back and remained closed off to her. “Haruka, don’t you want me to join you?”
“I….I’m crying…you….you shouldn’t see me like this.”
Michiru smiled gently. Ah, a belated show of butch pride. “We’ve held each other crying so many times, love. Let me hold you. I’ve missed your warmth today.”
“No, uh Michiru…..um…maybe later…”
That tone. Michiru knew that tone with their children, and she certainly knew it with Haruka. She narrowed her eyes, grabbed the blankets and flung them open. Underneath the covers was a bedraggled Haruka, eyes red and puffy, and hair flying everywhere in wild tufts. She looked up at her wife sorrowfully as Michiru’s eyes moved down, and saw, closely wrapped in Haruka’s arms, in either an attempt to hide it, or provide it with comfort -an almost empty packet of cookies. And all around her, across their designer bed sheets, dozens and dozens and dozens of crumbs. Little pieces of chocolate that were already staining into the sheets, and little biscuit crumbs which had already no doubt creeped their way into every crevice.
“Haruka!” Michiru snapped, her eyes ablaze.
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry baby!” Haruka said, jumping up. “I was just so sad, and I couldn’t bear to leave the bed, and I know it was wrong….”
Michiru sighed. Haruka’s puppy eyes were getting to her, as always, and she supposed, on a day like today, she could be a little more lenient. She leant over and kissed Haruka gently on the lips. She could still taste the chocolate. “Don’t do it again.”
Haruka gave her a faint smile and attempted to shake the crumbs off the bed.
“Nevermind,” Michiru said, as she climbed in beside her wife. As distasteful as it was to be lying on a bed of crumbs, it was clear to her that the most important thing right now was Haruka. Michiru wrapped her arms around Haruka and looked at her fondly. Her wife was in her early fifties and her hair more grey than blonde. Little wrinkles covered her face too, but here, in bed, in her cookie monster pajamas and with a small pout on her face, she looked just as boyish as ever.
Haruka clung onto Michiru tightly, nestling her head against Michiru’s breasts. “It’s not fair! Things weren’t meant to end up like this!”
“It is hard, love.” Emiko, their youngest daughter, had moved out the day before, finally leaving the parental house for a share house closer to her new job.
“We should have said no.”
Michiru raised an eyebrow. “I don’t believe that was ever an option –”
“We should have said no! She’s far too young to be out on her own,” Haruka’s eyes widened as she realised the truth of what she was saying. “I’m going to call her now! And tell her to –”
“Haruka, Emiko is twenty three. We’re no longer in a position to tell her what to do.”
“But –but she’s our baby!”
“I know, love. But she’s an adult woman now, and she made the decision to move out, and I’m sure she’s settling into her new place just fine.”
“She might not be fine though,” Haruka said, her voice rising quickly in panic. “She couldn’t even pack yesterday without my help. I should call her –”
“No, she will be fine. She has housemates, and you know that if she needs you she will call you. She knows you would be over there immediately if she required assistance.”
Haruka blinked back tears and swallowed a sob. “They all left! They all left us Michiru! There’s no one left!”
“It’s normal, dear. We left home even younger. We were living together when we were only fifteen.”
“That’s different. We had the mission….and our families…..were….different. We’re not like that, we gave them a good home, and they still left…..”
Michiru smiled softly at her beloved. “Haruka, they’re all adults. And we did give them a good home, and they love us and they love you. But they have their own lives now. And we have to let them be.”
Haruka grunted and snuggled in closer to Michiru. “They could at least visit more.”
“Hotaru normally visits twice a week. Kiyomi comes once a fortnight at least. Yasu comes by weekly and Saki calls you all the time. I can’t even imagine how she manages the cost of the calls when she’s in a different country every week. And Emiko promised to come by weekly too. We can’t very well expect more, my dear.”
“It just feels so empty.”
“It does.”
“What are we going to do?” There was a hint of despair in Haruka’s voice. Michiru loved their children. She knew Setsuna loved their children. They all did. But for Haruka….Haruka had embraced fatherhood with her everything. She had put her career on the backburner to stay at home with the children when they were young. Even as they grew, she had only gone back to work part time, choosing to spend the rest of her time ferrying the children back and forth from school and various after school activities. She struggled when they pulled away during their teenage years, wanting independence, but even then, the children rarely fought with her, and somehow came back after brief rebellions, wanting the warmth and affection that their papa gave them. And so, even into adulthood she had remained close to all her children, and she had been devastated each and every time one of them had left the family home. And now their youngest, the last at home, had left, and Michiru knew that whilst she and Setsuna were sad, it was Haruka who would feel it the most.
“Well, Setsuna and I were talking about perhaps going on a cruise on the Greek Islands. She has some time off in two weeks over the university holidays and I only have two more shows for the season. It’s been a rather long time since we went to Europe and it would be lovely to relax and spend some time on the water.”
Haruka stared at Michiru aghast. “But if Emiko needed us and we weren’t here, what if –”
Michiru sighed. “In that case, we could always spend some time at our beach house. The weather is warming up a little and… although unlikely, if Emiko did need us, we would only be 3 hours away.”
“I guess so….”
“Haruka, you’re a wonderful papa, but we need to draw back now, let our children make their own way in the world. We need to focus on our own lives…..surely you can think of some ways to enjoy the solitude with me?”
Haruka smiled softly at Michiru’s tone and stroked her hand. “That doesn’t sound too bad.”
“It will be lovely. You and I will have more time to spend together….and you, I and Setsuna will be able to go wherever we please. I would love to spend some on the water, and it’s been far too long since I’ve been able to go snorkeling at some of the world’s premier snorkeling locations. Setsuna wants to see the Northern Lights again, and we can also….attend some Formula One races……”
“You love me, baby,” Haruka said with a small smirk.
“I do indeed. The things I am willing do for you,” Michiru said, shaking her head slightly. “But it’s only one option Haruka. We are not limited in what we can do with our lives. I know this adjustment will be hard, but we do have each other.”
“I love you Michiru,” Haruka said, giving her wife a genuine smile. “I hate them leaving, I really do. But if whatever we do means you’re with me, then I can get through it.”
Michiru kissed Haruka gently. “And I don’t imagine it will be all too long before you’ll have another generation of small ones to look after.”
“Wait-what? Is someone –” The hope and anticipation in Haruka’s eyes was endearing.
“No, not yet,” Michiru said, kissing Haruka on the nose. “But I don’t imagine it’ll be all too long. And so we should enjoy this time, before we have our hands full again.”
“Grandkids! I can’t wait!” Haruka said with a grin. Then she rolled over so that she was on top of Michiru. She kissed her wife slowly, before reaching to unbutton her shirt, this time with a cheeky look on her face. “I guess we should be making the most of this time.”
“That sounds perfect to me,” Michiru said, with a smile, as Haruka covered her with kisses.