Work Text:
Beau had done a lot of shitty things in her life.
She had felt bad about very few of them and regretted even fewer, a lifetime of experience having taught her that giving anyone any control about how she should feel was a guarantee in being hurt and abandoned.
She’d always been the first to move on, making sure there were no cracks in her armor.
That had changed slowly once she met the Nein, a gradual shift from constantly being in survival mode, a reprieve from the fact that she had been in fight or flight mode for years.
Well, had been in fight mode for years.
But it really hadn’t been that slowly at all, the Nein had known each other for less than a year. Despite how it sometimes felt like so much longer.
She couldn’t believe she was abandoning them now.
She’s so caught up in her thoughts that she startles a bit when she feels an arm moving around her and pulling her against a warm body.
The arm around her tightens and Beau hides her face against a broad shoulder for a moment, blinking back the tears she feels burning at the corner of her eyes. She feels the body she’s pressed against shudder once as if it’s trying to keep from making some sort of noise.
Beau knows exactly what noise it is her companion is suppressing, as she’s been trying to keep back the sobs trying to break out as well.
They sit in silence for a while before Yasha breaks it.
“How are you feeling?”
Beau shrugs, clearing her throat a couple of times before she’s reasonably sure she’s not going to sound like she’s two seconds from crying.
“Fine.”
It’s a lie. They both know it’s a lie, but Yasha doesn’t call her out on it.
How did they fucking get here?
Sitting on an ice raft in the middle of a lava river slowly floating away from their friends and… what the fuck was Lucien and the Tombtakers? What was she supposed to call him? A walking reminder of how she had failed Molly? A fake? An adversary? An intruder in the body she had once called a friend?
She supposes it doesn’t really matter anymore, not when she and Yasha have been floating away from the rest for a couple of hours.
But what really drives home how much she’s fucked up this time is that she knows exactly how they got here.
She had been afraid, they both had probably. Been terrified by the prospect of losing not only each other but the whole group and in that fear it had been all too easy to agree when Yasha had quietly suggested that they get on a raft and just… go.
It had taken them all of 30 minutes after they could no longer see the Nein before the regret had set in for both of them when the adrenaline had worn off and they realized what they had done.
It had seemed so right to Beau in the moment, just leave. Find somewhere they could live together and not constantly be afraid to die any second.
Fuck, she had been so stupid. When had she ever been afraid of death? She had always been the first to put life and limb on the line, and for the Nein even more so; they are (were?) her family and Beau could think of much worse ways to go than in defense of her family.
What had been going through her mind to take Yasha up on her word to just leave!?! She knew Yasha hadn’t really meant it, that had been obvious from the look on her face when Beau locked eyes with her and said the fateful words “Yes. Let’s go. Now.”
And what had been going through both of their minds as they had gathered enough snow for their raft? That was almost 20 minutes where apparently both of their brains had been turned completely off.
And now they were left to stew in their own mess, away from their family as the realization of just how badly they had fucked up hit them in waves.
“We could try to find our way back to them.”
Yasha’s quiet, sorrowful voice dragged Beau from her thoughts, and for a second her heart beats wildly at the prospect of fixing their mistake. But reality hit like one of her own stunning strikes immediately after “We’ve been floating for at least 4 hours, probably closer to 5. I have no fucking clue how we would go about making our way back, and that’s without considering that even if we did find our way back they would have moved on by then.” Her voice breaks as the tears she’s been fighting against finally win, leaving behind tracks as Yasha wipes them off.
“I know.” Beau watches with horror as Yasha starts crying too “but I can’t abandon another family, even if we don’t find them at least we made the effort.” The tears are streaming down Yasha’s face now “I want to see what a life with you is like more than anything Beau, but I don’t think I could live with myself if it comes at the cost of us running away.” She rest’s her forehead against Beau’s “And I know that you certainly couldn’t. So let’s try, maybe we succeed, maybe we don’t, but can you imagine a life for us if it was built on our friend’s corpses?”
Beau’s hands fly to Yasha’s hair as she moves her head just the tiniest amount, stopping just long enough for Yasha to pull away if she wants to.
Yasha doesn’t pull away, in fact, she pulls Beau against herself as their lips clash in a messy kiss.
It shouldn’t be a good kiss, like objectively. Both of them are crying and Beau is pretty sure Yasha accidentally tastes some of her snot, it’s the sort of kiss born more out of feelings boiling over and less because either of them considers their current circumstances ideal for a first kiss.
Still, it’s what they get. Right here on this ice float of mistakes, they have this singular moment to themselves before they pull apart.
Neither of them says anything, just stares at each other before they begin to maneuver their float towards the shore.
Once they’re back on land they take stock of the situation, they spent roughly four and a half hours floating down the lave river, they left shortly after the others had bedded down for a long rest which means there should be roughly three and a half hour till the others awoke.
No matter how fast she and Yasha traveled by foot they would not make it back fast enough to be there by the time they awoke, but they might be able to catch their trail. The only redeeming thing about this mess was that if the Nein and the Tombtakers traveled at their normal speed they might be able to find their way back via their tracks.
‘Unless the snow starts falling hard enough to cover them before we can find them’ Beau thought grimly.
She and Yasha start moving at a fast pace, not as fast as Beau could move if she was by herself but fast nonetheless.
They don’t talk about the fact that making it back is a long shot, that finding the rest is an even longer shot. Nor do they talk about a backup plan for if they fail and are left to wander the frozen desert by themselves.
Instead, they take each other’s hands and start to run back to where they came from. The darkness only broken by the light from the lava.