Chapter Text
There was a time when this was all Gon knew.
This island adrift at sea was the start and end of everything. He could stare out from the cliff near Aunt Mito's house and see nothing but endless blue. He could run through the forest and come out the other side and see the exact same thing.
Everything had changed, but the island was the same.
Some of the trees were taller, the path more trodden, the lake was fuller, there’d been a lot of rain, Aunt Mito told him. But that was what forest did, and that was how they were, and Gon knew this. It was the same as he’d always known it to be. He knew everything about this small stretch of land.
He knew everything about this place, and now he knows nothing about himself.
Even though he knew how big and awesome the world was now, the island didn’t feel smaller. Whale island has always felt Gon sized, it was the perfect shape for him and it was nice to know it still was. He liked being back here. It felt like it was where he should be.
Whale island wasn’t the problem. Not adventuring didn’t bother him. He didn’t feel cramped or bored here.
But he did feel a lot of things now.
Some feelings were heavy, they felt as deep as the ocean that surrounded them, some were light and filled him with warmth, like the sun that landed in patches on his arm as he walked through the forest.
The strangest feeling of all was something he didn’t know. And it was heavy and light at the same time. It was new. It was a nameless thing.
The thing about Whale Island is he could wander around, not having a set goal or place in mind, but he would always know where he was going. This place felt like it was a part of him, its geography etched into his skin. He would never get lost here.
He walked past a grove of wildflowers, on a whim, he gathered up a bunch and held them delicately in his hands. He didn’t like to think about his hands much these days.
Once he made it to his destination, he stood there in silence.
The tree still had faint scratches on it, but it had faded significantly since he’d last been here. The grave of Kon’s mother looked about the same, a crooked cross sitting on a mound of dirt. He placed the flowers on top.
It was an ordinary place by all accounts, there was nothing special here, it was trees, it was dirt, it was nature, there was nature everywhere here. But it was so thick, so full of memory, it was overflowing. It was so important, and yet it meant nothing, it was just dirt and trees.
But Gon knew now, that things could be contradictory, they could be two things at once. Good people do bad things, bad people do good things, Ging was his dad, but in a lot of ways, he wasn’t. People can be dead, but also alive.
Your best friend can want to stay by your side, and they can also want to leave it.
It was strange to think about how a single day had changed the course of his life, if he hadn’t come here that day, if he hadn’t met Kite - would any of it have happened? Would he have stayed here? Would this small island, adrift in the middle of an endless blue, still be the start and end of everything?
Gon had changed a lot, but he was still selfish, he wouldn’t change a thing. Any of it.
He was hoping he would see Kon during his days of wandering in the forest, but he hadn’t yet. He was okay with it though. He just wanted to explain to him that he wouldn’t be here forever. This wasn’t his forest and he knew that. But he was grateful for it all the same. He supposed Kon might already know this, he was a very smart bear.
It was getting darker out, he should probably get back to Aunt Mito soon, she would be annoyed if he was out late again. He remembered how time used to feel before he left, it felt like one long summer's day, endless and wild, time would fly by and he wouldn’t notice, he would be out so late Aunt Mito would send people out to look for him. And he would always feel bad after the fact, but he kept doing it, again and again, never paying attention to the position of the sun or how low it was in the sky.
Things were so simple. Now Gon was acutely aware of how much time was passing, every day, every hour, every minute.
It’s been a year.
He started the walk back home, but he found himself following a different path, his feet moving him through the darkness, he found it funny in a morbid, horrifying way, how his right hand knew which branches to hold onto for support, how to balance when he walked across the rocky ground. It was a different hand, but it remembered things anyway.
He knew where he was going but it still shocked him when he arrived there.
He sat down and looked up at the stars.
He looked across, to an empty spot.
That nameless feeling rose up inside him and got stuck in his throat.
He probably shouldn’t, but he did.
Killua answered on the second ring.
“Gon”
“Killua”
“Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, I’m okay" he paused, not for long, but longer than he used to. “How are you?”
“Me? Oh yeah, I’m okay, Alluka is being a pain right now though”
“Am not!” Gon heard Alluka cry out, “onii-chan is just bad at braiding hair”
“I’m not bad at it! You’re just fussy”
“It’s so bumpy onii-chan”
“It’s a braid it’s supposed to be bumpy!”
Gon laughed. It was nice to hear Killua so relaxed. It had been a while since he’d been like this.
“What’re you doing right now?”
Despite the distance between them now, Gon could still read Killua, he could hear what he meant and not what said. The question that wasn’t asked ‘why did you call?’.
“I was just looking at the stars, and they reminded me of you”
He could hear Killua softly smiling through the phone
“Idiot” Killua said quietly, “you can’t say stuff like that”
Gon knew Killua used to get embarrassed about things like this, but now he wasn’t sure, was he still embarrassed? Or did he just not want Gon staying things like that anymore?
“I’m looking at them too” (‘you can call me, it’s okay, I don’t mind’)
They talked, and it was easy, he was glad that despite everything, the distance, the time, the hurt. They were still Gon and Killua, Killua and Gon, and when they talked, every star in the sky aligned for them. And everything became okay.
“What else have you been up to?”
“Hmmm not much, I tried coffee for the first time”
“Oh yeah? What did you think?”
“It’s so gross Gon, but Alluka loves it, she keeps insisting we get it every morning”
Gon laughed. “I’m not allowed coffee, Aunt Mito banned it”
“What? Why’s that?”
“Well…there was an incident when I was five, Aunt Mito left her coffee cup on the counter and I drank the whole thing.”
“Oh no”
“Yep, you know that spot on the kitchen wall that’s covered in plaster?”
“I think so? Near the table?”
“Yeah, that was because of me”
“What did you do? run into it?”
Gon didn’t answer.
Killua laughed “You didn’t”
“Headfirst”
“Oh poor Aunt Mito”
“Poor Aunt Mito? It nearly gave me a concussion!”
“Mmmmm was she the one who plastered the hole up? Or was it you?”
Gon said nothing.
“I rest my case”
He laughed “I am lucky to have her”
“How is she?”
“She’s good, I’m glad I’m back here with her, I forgot how nice it was just spending time with her”
“Is that why you didn’t stay with Ging?”
Killua hadn’t really brought up Ging, and Gon didn’t want to bring it up unless Killua did. He wanted Killua to be the one in control of their conversations, it felt important. If Killua had noticed this, he hadn’t mentioned it.
“The last time Ging and I spoke, he said I should try and figure out what I want to do, and knew that the only place I could go to do that was here.”
“Do you know?”
“Not yet”
Gon was starting to think he did know, maybe he had known for a very long time. But he knew it wasn’t the right time to tell him. Gon had never really been the type to hold his tongue, before very recently, the concept was something he barely understood. But now, there was so much he didn’t say. He wanted to do this the right way, he couldn’t just run ahead anymore, without a single thought or care in the world. He didn’t want to mess this up, and he didn’t want to hurt Killua.
Is this how it had been for him the whole time? A delicate balance of things said and unsaid. Hiding your meaning, concealing how deep your feelings were. Gon was starting to realise now, there was so much of Killua he didn’t see.
They sat in silence for a moment.
“There was something else he said”
“Yeah?”
“He also said, when you apologise to your friends, you need to apologise for what you did wrong, and then promise never to do it again”
Killua was silent for a moment.
“You already apologised Gon”
“You deserve a better one”
There was nothing on the other side of the phone.
Then Killua answered quietly.
“You really don’t get it do you?”
“Get what?”
‘"’ve already forgiven you"
It felt like Killua had sucked all the air out of his lungs.
“Why?”
“What do you mean why?”
Gon sighed “Killua, I could apologise to you a 1000 times and it still wouldn’t be enough”
He laughed “As if you could ever count to 1000 Gon”
“I’m being serious!”
“So am I!”
Gon thought about it for a moment. He had wanted Killua’s forgiveness right? So why did this feel so wrong? This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He needed to earn it, to work for it. It wouldn’t be fair otherwise.
“No”
“No? What do you mean no?”
‘I don’t accept it!’
“What the- you can’t- Gon you can’t not accept it - that’s not how it works!” Killua’s voice pitched up an octave and Gon had to pull the phone away from his ear.
“Too bad! Because I don’t!”
“You’re the one apologising to me remember, you can’t just apologise and then not accept my forgiveness!”
“I’ll accept it once I’ve made it up to you”
“And how do you plan on doing that?”
“I don’t know but I’ll think of something”
“You’re an idiot. You don’t need to make it up to me.”
“Why not?”
“You’re already enough Gon. Don’t you see that? You’re already so much and that's enough for me, I don’t need you to do anything else”
He was already enough.
No, not just that.
He was already enough, for Killua.
The idea felt wrong to him, that he could just be enough. That didn’t make sense. His whole life he had always wanted to be more. No, he needed to be more.
But where had that got him? It got him in a place so dark that not even Killua could reach him.
He remembered that darkness, the way it swallowed him like a wave toppling a ship. And the worst feeling of all was feeling like he needed to be down there, in the darkness, alone. That was where he was meant to be.
And he knew, he knew that they could hurt each other, he had already had, not intentionally, but they both held such heavy burdens, and they never learnt how to share them with each other.
But maybe they could.
And Killua was enough for Gon. Just Killua.
Would it be selfish of him to believe it was the same in reverse?
“Hey I can hear you thinking, don’t blow a fuse”
Gon laughed.
“I’m still going to make it up to you though”
Killua sighed defeated.
“We’re going to be like this forever aren’t we?”
Gon smiled.
“I think so, I think that’s okay though”
“Yeah. It is”
They sat in silence again. Listening to each other breathing.
They sat like that for a very long time.
He made up his mind while he was sitting there. He wanted Killua to know he was enough too. That was how he would make it up to him. That wasn’t something he could just say though, Killua wouldn’t believe him. So he would just have to show him.
It was a good thing he was so stubborn because he had a feeling it would take a while.
Gon looked up at the stars, the phone warm pressed against his ear. For a moment, something bright zipped across the sky.
“I just saw a shooting star”
“Me too”
“Did you make a wish?”
“Yeah”
“Me too”
He didn’t ask what Killua wished for, but somehow, he knew it was the same as his.
Because that nameless thing that Gon felt, the one that got stuck in his throat, the one that he thought about when he stared at his bedroom ceiling, the one he thought about when he got stuck with math homework, when he saw chocolate robots, when the sky filled with clouds and lightning danced across it. He was starting to think Killua felt it too.
And maybe when they saw each other again, they would finally put a name to their nameless thing.
“I should go, Alluka will try stay up all night unless I get her to bed’’
Gon chuckled. “Okay Killua”
‘Talk soon?’
“Always. Sweet dreams Killua”
“Goodnight Gon”
The line went dead.
It was time to head home.
It was really late now, he could see the glow of the house in the distance. Aunt Mito would be mad. But Gon would make it up to her, and she would forgive him.
Gon thought a lot about how much forgiveness he had been given, how many second chances he had gotten over the years.
Maybe the only person left to forgive him was himself.