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Cas has known he was asexual for a long time. Back when he was in high school and all the girls and boys started exchanging kisses and other bodily fluids, Cas could only wrinkle his nose. There were always these couples everywhere in the school corridors and above all else: they were always in front of his locker!
When his best friend Dean started making out with girls like the other boys, he somehow found it really stupid. Their movie dates became fewer as a result, of course they still met, but it didn't feel like it used to and Cas hated that. The problem was that he didn't know why he felt that way.
Cas was never thrilled when Dean canceled appointments at short notice because he had a date with a hot girl. He was often sad about it and eventually wanted to let the friendship fall to the wayside, but thank god it didn't have to come to that. After he told Dean what he thought, it just blurted out of him, but Dean understood what Cas meant and apologized and promised him that he would get better.
And it did get better. They met regularly and Dean only canceled when there was an emergency. They also grew up over time and now, 25 years later, Cas knew why he thought it was so stupid that Dean started making out with girls.
He was madly in love with Dean.
One evening, when Dean came over for a movie night, after a hard day at work, Cas suddenly became aware of it. They watched some stupid movie that Dean picked out and ordered pizza. They sat together on the couch and of course, Dean had ordered his Meat Lovers again.
When Dean opened the lid, he closed his eyes and breathed in the scent, smiling stupidly. But he loved that smile, it was stupid, he knows that himself, but Dean's pizza smile was simply the best.
As this thought crossed his mind, his heart began to pound wildly in his chest and that's when he realized it. He loved Dean. But he also knew it was hopeless, because... Dean had never hinted that he might be bisexual or even gay, or pan.
He turned his face away and sadly ate his pizza, trying not to show anything else. When Dean started laughing at the silly jokes from the movie, he smiled slightly. Oh, his laugh was just beautiful. Especially when he throws his head back and gives a full belly laugh. When he does that, his nose always wrinkles, it’s so cute.
Dean is just perfect.
Cas tried to live with the love he had for Dean, even if Dean would never be his. Yes, he was asexual, but he would love to cuddle with Dean and kiss him. He longed to be together with Dean, and when he thought about kissing Dean... he didn't feel disgusted.
Even if they got together, how would Dean live without sex? Could he? There was no way Cas would be able to give him that, he just couldn’t imagine it.
But anyway, they're still a long way from that, he doesn't even know if Dean wants more, so it doesn't really matter.
***
Cas came home, exhausted from work and plopped down on the sofa with his face right in the pillow. He groaned, what a shitty day at the office. Annoying colleagues, exhausting clients, it's really not easy.
He's been looking forward to the evening all day because Dean is coming tonight and he needs to get up off the sofa, change his clothes and then go into the kitchen. He peels apples and gets his pie pan from the cupboard. He puts all the ingredients for the dough in a bowl and then kneads it with a lot of love, lets it rest in the fridge and then rolls it out.
He carefully picked up the dough and placed it in the pie dish, pressed the dough firmly, then cut off the excess. He poked it with a fork, put parchment paper in it and put dry peas on top. Then he lays the dish in the oven and bakes the dough for 15 minutes.
After the 15 minutes were up, he pulled out the mold and took out the parchment with the peas. Cas fills the form with the apple mixture and decorates it with the remaining dough and makes a grid pattern. Cas smiled slightly and nodded, yes, Dean will love that and he baked the pie again until it was nice and golden brown.
The moment the pie was ready, the doorbell rang and Cas had to grin. 'Like he smelled it,' he thinks and goes to the door and opens it.
“Hello, Dean,” he says.
Dean smiled at him and went into the house. “Hey Cas.” he said and sat down with a six pack. "I brought beer for our movie and pizza night." he said and Cas laughed softly and Dean lifted his nose in the air. “Mmm, it smells like pie.”
Cas nods and blushes a little. “I made some apple pie, I figured you'd love that.”
Dean beamed. “Of course! So sweet of you.” he said and Cas closed the door and they went into the living room together. “Oh not at all.” he murmured. “I haven't even ordered the pizzas yet, I'll do that real quick. Like always?” he asked and Dean put his jacket on a chair and nodded. “Yes, thanks.”
Cas went into the kitchen and called his regular pizzeria and, as always, ordered the same pizzas and pizza rolls with herb butter.
After the phone call he took a deep breath in and out. He has his feelings under control, as long as Dean doesn't want to watch a romcom. He loves them, even if he doesn't want to admit it.. The problem with watching them though is that Cas really doesn't like to cry in front of Dean.
He went back and sat down next to Dean on the couch, with enough distance of course. “And how was your day?” he asked and Dean groaned. “Urgh, a rich prick came up to the workshop and thought he could be condescending to me.” he told Cas. “But you know that didn’t fly with me.”
Cas grinned proudly. “For real, not with you, you really didn't deserve that. What an.. assbutt!” he said and Dean laughed. “Assbutt! It's so funny you're still saying that. You started saying it in what, high school Cas?”
Cas laughed with him and nodded. ”It's funny and fitting!”
Dean laughed out loud and threw his head back again. “Awww, Cas, don't ever change!”
Cas looked sheepishly to the side and smiled. "I didn't intend to." he said and then the doorbell rang, thank God! He got up and rushed to the door, paid the delivery boy with a generous tip and came back with the pizzas.
“So, what do you wanna watch, Dean?” he asked and plopped down on the sofa, grabbed his pizza, and Dean took his.
Dean picked up the remote and looked through the list of movies on Netflix. “Mmm…” he said. “How about the new Christmas movie? Single all the way?”
Cas tried to hide his grin and nodded. “Yeah, why not?” he said and Dean turned on the movie while they ate their pizza.
After a while Dean scoffed and put the empty pizza box on the floor, took a big sip from his beer bottle.
“It's so obvious that he's in love with his best friend... why doesn't he say anything?” he asked, annoyed.
Cas turned his head to him, oh Dean, if you only knew. “Because he's scared and doesn't want to jeopardize the friendship.”
“If he said something, he could lose him,” Cas said, and Dean seemed to think about it.
“Yes, of course, but he could also gain something, too.” he said, looking down at the beer bottle in his hand, which he was picking at the label.
Cas scrunched his eyebrows together. “Then why doesn't the other one say something if he feels the same way?” he asked, confused.
Dean was still looking at the beer bottle. “Probably scared too,” he said, then clearing his throat briefly. “Let's keep watching…” he mutters, lifting his gaze to the TV.
Cas looked at Dean with confusion, but nodded and turned his head back toward the TV, yet Dean's statement repeated over and over in his head ’Probably scared too.’ If Cas didn't know otherwise, he might think Dean meant himself - but could he really dare get his hopes up?
He tried to push the thought away and continue to focus on the movie, but he didn't really succeed. He sat rather restlessly on the sofa and kept crossing one leg over the other.
Dean noticed how restless Cas was and looked over at him. “Hey, is everything okay?” he asked, and Cas nodded quickly. “Yeah, sure, everything's fine.” he said and gave him a quick smile.
Dean frowned, but nodded when suddenly his cell phone rang. “It's Sam,” he said, answering the call. “Yeah, what's up?” he asked, pausing the movie quickly.
Dean listened to Sam and sighed. “Yeah, good, I'll be right there,” he said, ending the call. “I have to go, Sam’s car won't start and he really needs it tomorrow. Sorry, Cas, we'll finish watching the movie another time, okay?”
Cas nodded and waved it off. “Yeah, well, it's not that important,” he said, smiling faintly, it was one of the things he loved about Dean too. If someone needed help, he was right there. For family anyway, but also for his friends.
Dean looked at him. “Cas, of course it's important. I'll be back tomorrow and we'll finish the movie.” he said and got up, helping Cas quickly take the pizza boxes and beer bottles to the kitchen. Cas walked Dean to the door, where Dean gave him a quick hug. “See you tomorrow, Cas.”
Cas hugged him back. “See you tomorrow, Dean.”
***
They met the next day and watched the rest of the movie, but otherwise the subject wasn’t further discussed and the next few weeks passed without any incident.
Nevertheless, Cas kept thinking about the movie and Dean; and he wondered if he should just tell him. But he was so scared. He could lose him, but there could also be this tiny tiny little chance to win Dean. But is the risk really worth it? Dean is everything to him. How did Alfred Lord Tennyson write it in one of his poems?
‘It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’.
But love is a scary thing, especially if you aren’t even sure you will get that love.
Cas only worked half a day today and arrived at home, but still exhausted. He put his things neatly away, grabbed a bottle of water and immediately went to his garden. He was very proud of it, the flowers and of course his pride and joy: his bees.
Smiling, he walked out and took a sip of water as he went straight to his bees in the backyard.
"Hello, my little queen bees," he said to his bees, because to him they were all queens and so he called them that. He sat down in his chair, which was directly next to his beehive, and watched his bees fly in and out, searching for pollen on his flowers. He could sit there for hours.
He enjoyed watching them so much and smiled to himself until his thoughts turned back to Dean after a while. Totally lost in his thoughts, he wondered again if he should tell Dean how he felt, but the fear of losing Dean was just so overwhelming. Just the thought of losing Dean makes his eyes overflow and tears streamed down his cheeks, he wouldn’t be able to stand it if he lost Dean’s friendship.
When a hand came down on Cas' shoulder, he jumped up in panic and stared at the intruder. It was Dean, holding his hands up. "It's just me, Cas, I rang but– " he said. "Cas, what's wrong?" he immediately asked with concern when he saw Cas's tears.
Cas quickly wiped his cheeks and shook his head. "Nothing, Dean, I'm fine." he said, smiling. Hopefully convincing Dean.
He saw the other man's frown and it seemed that he didn't really buy Cas’s answer. "It's all right, don't worry Dean. Just had a lot of stress today and I guess it needed to get out..." he said and wiped again over his eyes.
Dean pulled Cas into his arms and gently stroked his back. "Oh Cas," he said. "You know I'm always here for you?"
Cas put his arms around him, closed his eyes. He enjoyed being in Dean’s arms and breathed in Dean's smell, mhmmm, he smelled so good!
"Of course I do, thank you." he whispered.
Dean released the hug so he could look Cas in the eye and smiled at him. "Always," he said and put his right hand to Cas' cheek, wiping away the last traces of his tears with his thumb. Cas enjoyed it so much and could actually have started crying again, but he tried to pull himself together. Dean is always so compassionate, that was another thing he loved about Dean. Another thing out of a million things.
Cas caressed Dean's hand lightly and looked up into his eyes. He loved him so much, it sometimes felt like his heart was going to burst with love for him.
He couldn't help it, he gave a short sob and leaned forward, pressing his lips against Dean's . Again, tears streamed down his cheeks, but only because of his love for Dean. Dean was very surprised by the kiss, but he had been dreaming of kissing Cas for years and his eyes fluttered closed and he placed his hands on Cas's hips, just securing him closely.
Cas put his hands to Dean's cheeks and opened his lips a little, he had no idea how "kissing" really worked, because he had never kissed anyone in his life. All he ever wanted to do was to kiss Dean and now he couldn't hold back his desire for it. Gently he licked with his tongue over Dean's lips, who groaned and opened his lips, letting him in with joy. Dean's hands moved further onto Cas's back and he pressed Cas against his own body with a violent jerk.
They kissed for a while until Castiel took a step back, startled. "Oh my God, Dean... I'm so sorry!" he said, his lower lip trembling. The kiss was so beautiful, but.... how could he do that to Dean?
Dean absolutely did not understand why Cas was apologizing now, the kiss was wonderful, what he had always dreamed of. "Cas, but why? What's wrong?" he asked, smiling. "The kiss was beautiful." he said shyly and looked up into Cas's eyes again. "I've dreamed of this for years," he whispered. "But... I was never sure if you felt anything for me, too," he confessed. "That's why I never took a step, you know? And now you kiss me and.... you're sorry?" he asked. "I don't understand."
Cas looked at him, pained."You've been dreaming about this for years?" he asked softly. "But... it's not possible, I... can never give you what you need, Dean." Dean frowned. "What do I need? I need you, Cas. I need you in my life, you as my boyfriend."
"But I can't give you what you need as a boyfriend, Dean! I can't give you sex!" he says. "I'm... I'm asexual and I don't want sex!" he says, breaking down in sobs. "And someday that won't be enough for you, just cuddling or kissing, because I like that a lot..." he said, wiping his eyes. "But otherwise... I mean, I could try–" he said, even if he was not being fair to himself.
That's all he was able to get out, because Dean's lips pressed down on Cas's, effectively silencing him. He kissed Cas passionately and then released the kiss again.
"Are you done?" he asked, but did not wait for an answer and continued speaking.
"No, Cas, you don’t have to try, I don’t want you to do that to yourself. It doesn’t matter to me if you are asexual or not.
A relationship is so much more than just sex, it’s about the same dreams, same wishes, to build a life together. I love you, Cas, in case you haven't noticed. I love you so much, I want to cuddle with you, I want to kiss you, and if that's what you can give me, then that's okay. I have two healthy hands and I also have a toy or two that has kept me entertained for the last few years and that's without another person around.” he said and looked at him seriously in the eyes.
"You might want to watch me pleasure myself from time to time, that would honestly turn me on a lot, but you don't have to do anything, Cas. I will never make you do anything, okay?" Cas stared at him and finally heard his words, wow, Dean is so perfect. Cas always knew it, so he just nodded. "Yeah, Dean, all right." he whispered and Dean smiled, putting his hands to Cas cheeks. "You're so wonderful, Cas, and with as much as I'll brag about you when we're on our dates," he whispered to him, "everyone will be so jealous that you're my boyfriend."
Cas started laughing and tears streamed down his cheeks, he is so happy right now. "They will all be jealous because you are my boyfriend." he breathes and leans forward, kissing him briefly.
"And I love you too Dean, so much."
***
Cas couldn't have dreamed how nice it was to actually be with Dean. He was just wonderful and every day Cas discovered more things he loved about him. He had really fallen for Dean and they went on different dates every day. They went out to dinner, to the movies, visited the farmers market, and Dean learned more about his bees.
It was perfect.
After they announced that they were together, their circle of friends was not exactly surprised, but were rather happy that they were fineeeeeeally together.
And they were together.
Completely fulfilled until the end of their lives.