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"A complete waste of wedding planning — again!"
Luigi jumped as Bowser slammed open the massive doors on the front of his castle. The many Koopa Troopas and Goombas guarding the door didn't so much as blink, though the Hammer Bros escorting Luigi hunched further into their shells.
If Luigi was feeling charitable, he'd feel sorry for them, however, he stepped on the hem of his dress at the same time he tried to give a consoling smile and nearly ended up tripping.
They'd get no sympathy from him. He was in way worse trouble.
Bowser stomped through the castle until he reached the main hall. There was some sort of party set up, with a huge number of troops in attendance. Luigi couldn't help an instinctive flinch when they all looked at him as one — there were far too many for him to deal with alone.
"Lord Bowser!" Kammy Koopa said, making her slow shuffley way through the crowd. "How did things go, Your Matrimonialness?"
At the back of the room, Luigi noticed an argument between some Fire and Ice Bros over which of two banners they should put up: the bright cheerful congratulations or the gloomier commiserations. Luigi knew which one he was leaning towards.
"How do you think?" Bowser growled, waving pointedly at Luigi without looking at him.
Luigi shrank under the attention, feeling horribly out of place. Kammy's beak split in a grin as she took in the long pink dress Luigi was wearing, and then her expression fell as she looked up and caught sight of Luigi's moustache and hat.
"Ah," said Kammy shortly. She opened her mouth twice more, but couldn't seem to find anything else to say.
"Everyone, listen up!" Bowser shouted. At his voice, the rabble fell silent. Bowser gestured towards Luigi. "This is Princess —" a pause, either because Bowser had forgotten Luigi's name again or because he'd nearly said 'Peach' automatically, "— Princess Luigi, my wife. He's going to be staying in the castle and you'd better treat him as a guest here — or else!"
The troops closest snapped to attention, but Luigi could see the ones towards the back of the room nudge each other and there was an uncertain murmur beneath everything.
Bowser stomped his way through the hall, grabbed the congratulations banner off the wall and started shredding it into big chunks of confetti. Everyone gave him a wide berth. Luigi tried to use the distraction to slip away unnoticed, but Kammy shrewdly stopped him with her broomstick.
"Come along," Kammy said, gesturing to a Hammer Bro and a Spiny to flank Luigi. "It looks like Lord Bowser would like some peace to come to terms with another failed plan. I'll show you to your room, Princess."
Bowser roared and flipped a table laden with food and drink, splattering gravy all over a troop of unfortunate Goombas. Luigi gulped and hurried after Kammy.
Most of the castle corridors looked the same to Luigi. All grey and black stonework, surprisingly plush red carpets, and lava dripping everywhere. Not to mention the statues and portraits of Bowser anywhere you could think to look.
"Here we are." Kammy opened a door after a long walk with several turns and gestured for Luigi to enter.
Pink. Everything in the room was blindingly pink. Luigi rubbed his eyes, but when he opened them again he was still faced with more pink than he'd ever seen before in his life. It looked like the girls' section of a baby clothing shop had thrown up everywhere.
Kammy prodded Luigi in the back until he stepped into the room. Neither of his guards followed.
"So, er, is this my prison cell?" Luigi asked. It looked much fancier than the dungeon he'd been expecting.
"This is your room," Kammy said with a tut. "You are Lord Bowser's wife, for the time being. You must know that there are benefits to your station."
"So, you're not going to chain me to the wall to stop me from escaping?"
"Not allowed in without permission," the Hammer Bro grunted.
"Do you see that?" Kammy pointed at a pink circle with a golden crown embellished on the door. "That means that the princess — in this case, you, Your Mustacioedness — can go inside and no one else can follow unless you want them to."
Luigi felt his spirits lift slightly. "Not even Bowser?"
"Not even —!" Kammy gave a spluttery laugh. "Don't be ridiculous, Princess; this is King Bowser's castle. He can go anywhere he wants."
"Oh." The tiny thread of hope vanished.
At least Bowser probably didn't want to see Luigi right now any more than Luigi wanted to see him.
"Sleep well, Your Downcastness," Kammy said. "This is a good day for the kingdom." She closed the door in his face.
Their kingdom, maybe. It was definitely not a good day in Luigi's books. No wonder Peach hated it here.
Luigi sighed and poked around the room. It was still unbelievably pink, no matter which angle Luigi viewed it from. But it at least looked comfortable and it was spacious enough to fit half of Luigi's entire house. The bars on the window and the heavy lock on the door (for which Luigi could find no key) were the only real things that made it a prison instead of guest quarters.
Luigi sat down on the end of the (ridiculously soft and squishy) bed with his head in his hands.
A few hours ago everything had all made sense. Peach had been under threat (as usual) from an underwater race of squid-like creatures. So, to buy them time, Luigi had offered to create a distraction. There had been so much destruction in Toad Town that they didn't have any time to think of anything better while scrambling for some kind of defence. It was unfortunate for Luigi that he'd been the best substitute available at such short notice.
Then they'd gotten the best distraction possible because Bowser had decided that that had been the perfect moment to stage a kidnapping. He'd dragged Luigi off, shoved a bouquet of pink nipper plants into his hands, and forced him to sign a glowing document before he'd noticed anything wrong with 'Peach'.
It wasn't Luigi's fault he made such a good Peach decoy.
He pulled off the dress, glad he'd been in enough of a hurry getting into it that he'd kept his dungarees on underneath. Hopefully, he'd either be rescued tomorrow or find some source of new clothes soon.
Luigi opened a drawer, just in case they had clothes his size. Then quickly shut it again before he could scar himself for life.
Did Peach really wear that sort of frilly, silky underwear? Or was it just Bowser's wishful thinking? Neither option made him feel good.
A door in the corner led to a tiny room with a toilet and sink. Luigi splashed some water on his face and stared at himself in the gilded mirror. He looked ill, but at least he wasn't as bruised as his usual encounters with Bowser left him.
He returned to the main room and, for lack of anything else to do — and because he was tired — he stripped down to his underwear and went to bed.
All he had to do was hang on until Mario rescued him.
Trying not to dwell on how many times Peach had lain right here, thinking the exact same thing, Luigi drifted off to sleep.
Luigi woke up in an unfamiliar bed. It was comfortable enough that he didn't question it until a loud knocking startled him out of his cosy dozing.
"I'm awake!" He called, hoping that would be enough to put off his brother for another five minutes.
The knocking continued. Luigi cracked open an eye and the sight of blinding pink pillows instead of familiar green brought yesterday's events crashing back. He scrambled out of bed, dragging half the covers with him to answer the door. He really didn't want to test the whole 'no one else allowed in' rule if he didn't have to — sometimes it was better to live in ignorance.
A pair of Koopa Troopas were on the other side. Their basic green shells of low rank made Luigi feel a bit slighted. Wasn't he worth more security than this?
Though anyone tougher would've been scary, so maybe this was for the best.
"Good morning, Princess Luigi," the one on the right said.
"You don't have to call me 'Princess Luigi'. I'm not. A princess that is," Luigi said. "I am a Luigi."
The Koopa Troopas glanced at each other. One of them shrugged.
"But you're married to King Bowser," the left one said. "Doesn't that mean you're royalty?"
"Wouldn't that make him the queen though?" the right one said.
"No," the left one said slowly. "Because that'd imply equal ranking, wouldn't it? We always call Princess Peach 'Princess Peach' even when His Majesty nearly got her."
"But doesn't —"
"Look," Luigi interrupted before they could really get going. "I just want to be called 'Luigi', okay? Can you do that?"
The Troopas looked at each other again and had a whole conversation of shrugs and twisting mouths.
"Yeah, I think so," the right one said eventually.
"Great," Luigi sighed. "So what did you want?"
"Oh! We've been sent to bring you to the dining hall for breakfast."
And Luigi had been standing here quibbling about titles instead of getting ready! Luigi scrambled to find when he'd thrown his overalls last night and grabbed his socks from the foot of the dresser.
"Don't worry, Luigi," the left one said reassuringly from the doorway. "The prince is having breakfast today too. He'll be there for a while."
That sounded ominous. Luigi rushed to pull his shoes on and gave his moustache a quick finger comb and pinch at the ends with water. Not the neatest job he'd done, but it would have to do. Maybe he could ask someone for a proper comb and some wax later — it wouldn't be right going around with a messy moustache, especially in enemy territory.
The Koopa Troopas escorted Luigi to a massive dining room. Luigi had spent a fair amount of time in and around Peach's castle, so he knew that royalty liked to go over the top when it came to floor space and decorating, but this was ridiculous. The chandeliers alone would have lit the entirety of Toad Town for a month and the table could've sat the entire castle with room to spare.
Luigi was pushed into the chair to Bowser's left, opposite Junior. One of the Koopa Troopas lifted the lid off the plate in front of Luigi to reveal a plate full to the brim with marshmallow-topped sticky buns. Luigi had been to brunch at the Mushroom Kingdom Castle often enough to know that this was Peach's favourite. It was weird, being shown this much consideration by proxy.
"Eat," Bowser said.
Luigi quickly picked up his fork before realising that Bowser was talking to Junior.
"Not hungry," Junior whined, poking his meat platter.
"Eat."
"Don't wanna."
"Junior."
"Dad."
Luigi ate a forkful of too-sweet marshmallow goo with growing amusement while watching Bowser fail to make any ground against a child.
Then Junior turned to Luigi with an attempt at an innocent look that a Toad twice his age would have been able to pull off successfully — on a Koopa, it was pretty obvious. It was strange that the bad guys were worse at lying than Luigi's local shopkeeper.
"You! Tell Dad I'm not going to —"
"Junior," Bowser interrupted. "He's not a minion. You can't just order him around."
Luigi and Junior stared at him. Bowser glowered back and took a big bite of his meat.
"But he's —"
"Almost the same rank as you," Bowser said with his mouth full. "You don't have to do what he says, but he doesn't have to do what you say either, got it?"
"No fair," Junior grumbled.
Luigi looked between the Koopas, tentatively hopeful. It didn't sound like they'd rehearsed this just to trip Luigi up and laugh at him later.
"Ask nicely," Bowser ordered.
Junior grumbled more, but eventually lifted his snout to Luigi.
"Would you tell Dad that I don't need to eat all this?" Junior said stiffly. Bowser harrumphed. "Urgh, please," Junior added grudgingly.
"Um…"
"C'mon!" Junior threw his hands up in the face of Luigi's hesitation. "I said please."
"You should finish what's been put in front of you," Luigi found himself saying, adopting the tone he used when convincing bratty Toad kids to try a new vegetable.
Junior got a gleam in his eye and Luigi was barely able to grab his plate and move it out of reach of Junior's lunge. Bowser laughed.
"What? It's in front of me," Junior said with a sly grin. "I'd clear that plate, no problem."
If it would get Luigi out of this awkward breakfast, he'd be up for it. He opened his mouth to agree, but Bowser shot him a look that had his mouth snapping shut again.
"Don't give in to those Chain Chomplette eyes," Bowser said. "He's a growing Koopaling and needs a healthy, consistent diet of protein."
Luigi contemplated. Going against Bowser directly was probably a bad idea, but he also didn't want to be stuck here as long as it took for Junior to unenthusiastically clean his plate — or for Luigi to clear his own ridiculously full plate. He finished his second bun and made up his mind.
"I'll let you have half if you eat your breakfast first," Luigi offered. There was no way he was getting through that many buns on his own. Even if it had been a reasonable quantity, his tastes ran a bit more savoury than Peach's.
"Really?" Junior perked up and shoved a drumstick in his mouth. "Sweet!"
Bowser groaned but made no move to stop him. He was gnawing on his own breakfast much slower than Luigi had ever seen him eat before.
"Maybe if you ate faster…" Luigi trailer off when Bowser looked at him. "It's… leading by example, right?"
And the faster Bowser finished his meal, the faster Luigi would be able to leave the table.
"I ate properly yesterday. It wouldn't be good for me to eat too much now," Bowser said defensively. "I don't need to eat full meals four times a day like you."
"Three times," Luigi corrected before he could help himself.
Bowser huffed and smoke escaped his nostrils. Luigi shrank back in his seat. He picked at his food, appetite gone. He didn't know how Peach had put up with this for so long, but then she at least had practice at putting on a brave face during difficult situations, thanks to all the princess training she'd done.
"Finished!" Junior announced, then he jumped on the table and swiped Luigi's breakfast. He inhaled it ridiculously fast. It was just as well that Luigi was already done with it.
"I'm holding you responsible for the damage his sugar rush causes," Bowser warned.
That would've been nice to know before filling Junior up with sweets. Ah well, Luigi had babysat groups of Toad children on dessert festivals before, he could deal with one Koopa kid.
… of course, Toad kids didn't manage to eat five full sticky buns in two bites.
Junior ran around to Luigi's side of the table and started tugging him out of his seat. He wasn't strong enough to budge Luigi, but he also wasn't afraid to dig in his sharp little claws to make his point.
"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon."
Luigi glanced at Bowser, who didn't offer anything.
"I'm allowed to go?" Luigi clarified.
"I have plans to make," Bowser said, waving him away. "Find some way to entertain yourself, but don't leave the castle."
That was a welcome surprise. Luigi decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth and let Junior drag him out of his chair and the dining room.
It was really weird being this deep in Bowser's castle and not being jumped by Thwomps or Koopalings or Bowser himself. Luigi tried to stop mapping out platforming opportunities and exits, but years of habit were too ingrained at this point. Every missed opportunity only built up his anxiety whenever Junior unintentionally cut off his escape by grabbing Luigi or getting in his face to tell him about what was in the next room they were going to see.
"… and beyond the crypt is the rug and curtain storage room," Junior said, waving at a flight of stairs going deeper into the castle basement. "It's pretty boring, so I don't go there — except when I'm playing hide-and-flame with Lemmy and Larry."
"Did you say cr-crypt?" Luigi stammered, dread creeping down his spine. "Like with g-g-ghosts?"
He looked down the staircase with fresh terrified eyes. It was daytime right now, which usually meant ghosts were less active. But then maybe they couldn't tell this deep in the castle, and a Boo would jump out, tongue lolling ferociously, to make Luigi scream.
"Nah, Boos are lame," Junior said. "It's all just Dry Bones down there."
"Oh." That was marginally better. "I don't like Boos either," admitted Luigi.
"You'd think they'd be good for scaring people, but they just get all embarrassed when they're noticed," Junior complained. "What's the point in pulling pranks if you can't even talk about them after without hiding in a corner?"
"I had to clear them out of a mansion once," Luigi said. "Or twice. It wasn't fun."
Junior laughed. "Oh yeah! You should've heard King Boo when he was over here last. He was all 'that vacuum-wielding greenie!' and 'I'll have my revenge!' You should've seen the look on his face!"
Luigi shivered. It sounded like King Boo showed up in Bowser's castle regularly, which was the last thing he wanted. Well, maybe the last thing he wanted after his current situation.
"What's in here?" Luigi asked, pointing at a door in the hopes that it would distract him from his creeping terror.
"That's just the printing presses," Junior said dismissively. "I'm not allowed in there since the last time I tried to make things interesting. Apparently, switching around all their troop orientation books ends up with the Troopa patrols crashing into each other on a bridge over lava. Splat!"
Ah, propaganda. Luigi was curious about what they wrote about him (assuming they remembered he existed this time) and Mario, but Junior was already pulling him past the door and turning down the next hall.
"And it totally messed up all the pet care guides too," Junior continued. "Dad got mad when the new recruits tried to feed bones to the Piranha Plants and bugs to the Chain Chomps."
Having been on the wrong end of both of those pets' teeth, Luigi wasn't sure that their ravenous appetites would notice the difference.
It wasn't all bad around the castle, Luigi was coming to realise during his impromptu tour. Even filtered through the eyes of a hyperactive child who'd grown up here, it was clear that between the lava deathtraps and terrifying statues, there were still training rooms for soldiers to practise dealing with common hazards in other kingdoms (something Luigi would like to take back and put the Toads through too) and an air of comradery that Luigi hadn't expected.
No one looked unhappy to be there — at least until they spotted Luigi — and they mostly looked focused in a good way. Everyone had purpose and friendships in a way that Luigi rarely saw around Toad Town, where surprisingly cutthroat business often got in the way of genuine relationships.
And they had a big kitchen, which was always a plus in Luigi's book.
Junior swiped a couple of meat-stuffed breads off a serving plate by the door and handed one to Luigi. Luigi's stomach rumbled and he decided not to worry too much about stealing. The Lakitu chefs didn't so much as blink an eye at Junior's thievery, so maybe it was okay?
They perched on a windowsill just outside the kitchen to eat. The overcast sky, barren lands, and ominously glowing lava were much nicer to look at with something tasty to hand.
"Bleh!" Junior spat out his mouthful and left his tongue hanging out to undermine his point. "It's gone cold!"
"Maybe you could warm it up?" Luigi suggested. The kitchen probably had a microwave tucked away somewhere amidst all its stone slabs and iron fixings and open fires.
"No, I can't!" Junior snapped.
Luigi jumped and nearly dropped his bread at the sudden vitriol. He slipped off the windowsill, stumbling on the landing.
"Aren't you allowed to reheat food?" Luigi asked. He peered at the meat poking out of his bread worriedly. Was it a health violation?
"I can't!" Junior rubbed a hand over his face in a sharply familiar way. Luigi had seen Toad kids try to be brave before; it was strange that kids everywhere had the same tells when they were upset.
Junior hunched his shoulders and pulled his head partly down into his shell. Luigi leant down to hear what he said.
"Can't," Junior mumbled.
Luigi had clearly touched a nerve. He thought back over the conversation, trying to figure out what could have gone wrong. Had Luigi said something that Junior had taken badly? Or had he just misunderstood what Luigi meant? Maybe the kitchen didn't have a microwave and Junior wasn't allowed near the open fires?
Actually, come to think of it, for all that Bowser spat fire and snorted smoke pretty often, Luigi had yet to see Junior manage anything hotter than Luigi's own breath.
"You can't breathe fire?" Luigi clarified.
Junior tried to shake his head, but it was still partly in his shell, so only his snout wiggled.
"I can't either," said Luigi.
It wasn't the most comforting thing to have said, Luigi realised a moment later, but it at least got Junior to stick his head out and glare at him again.
"So what?" Junior snapped. "If I was a lanky Mushroom Man I couldn't breathe fire either! I'm a Koopa — a Royal Koopa! And I should… be able to… breathe fire…" he trailed off sadly.
Oh dear. Luigi cast around for something else to talk about. The lava outside caught his attention; it was a very familiar colour.
"I might not be able to breathe fire," Luigi said, "but I can throw it. Sometimes."
"Yeah?" Junior frowned at him. "You can?"
"Sure I can," Luigi said. "If I've got a fire flower anyway."
"Oh, those," Junior huffed. "They're no good. Koopa fire is way better."
"Maybe," Luigi agreed. He'd certainly been hit with both enough to know that. "But they still hurt — even Bowser can't just shrug it off."
Excitement warred with scepticism on Junior's face. "Really? Gimme one!"
Luigi blinked at him. Junior scowled and folded his arms, looking away.
"Fine," Junior said. "Gimme one… please."
"I don't have any," Luigi said blankly. "Did you think — why would I — I wouldn't get kidnapped without at least trying to use any power-ups I had."
"Then why even say anything?' Junior stomped his foot in frustration. "Urgh! I can't believe I even said please."
"You could go find some. They grow in lots of places: the desert, any grasslands, out on some islands," Luigi said, ticking them off on his fingers. "And some Toads grow them domestically."
"Papa said I'm not allowed out of the castle right now," Junior said. "He needs me here to help run defence if stupid Mario comes here! But that's just right now. He'll loosen up in a couple of weeks."
Whether that meant he thought Mario would make it here within a week or two, or it was just that the high-alert would be dropped after that, Luigi didn't know. He hoped it was the former — for all that he'd never really won, Bowser was pretty good at predicting what Mario was going to do by this point.
"But once that's done you'll show me where fire flowers live," Junior said determinedly. He paused before adding, cautiously: "Right?"
"M-me?"
"Yeah," Junior said. "You're always going on adventures and finding power-ups, aren't you? I bet you know all the best spots and can show me."
Escorting Junior anywhere sounded like the worst kind of headache, especially when the fire flower lands Luigi was most familiar with were under Toad management and tended to be… pricey. He liked not having a huge bill attached to his name.
Though that could be an opportunity to slip away and return home without having to fight through the whole castle…
"I'm bored," Junior huffed, already moving on. "Wanna make the walls more exciting?"
Which was how Luigi found himself with a paint roller in one hand and a tray of neon yellow paint in the other, filling in a section of rough stone wall that Junior had quickly marked out for him. Despite Junior's assurances that he was totally allowed to do this sort of thing, Luigi couldn't help glancing over his shoulder now and then, wary that Bowser was about to descend on him any second and roast him alive for making a mess.
"You're going outside the line again!" Junior poked Luigi with a paintbrush, splashing a clashing green on his dungarees.
"Sorry," Luigi said. He took his roller off the wall and eyed it critically. "It doesn't look too bad, right?"
"It's fine, I guess," Junior huffed. "Hurry up. It's never going to dry in time if you keep going so slow."
"Goodness me!"
Luigi and Junior both jumped at the screech. Luigi dropped the paint tray and splattered a massive yellow puddle on the flagstones and his shoes.
Kammy ran over, flapping her arms wildly in panic. Luigi briefly considered hiding behind Junior (since it had been his idea in the first place) but disregarded it based on Junior being too short.
"What a mess!" Kammy shrieked. "I knew it was a bad idea to let the two of you run around unsupervised!"
"Sorry," Luigi mumbled.
"What's the big deal?" Junior huffed, folding his arms. "It's just a bit of paint."
"It's tasteless graffiti," Kammy snapped. "The state of the castle reflects the state of the kingdom and its ruler. Speaking of which," she turned her beady gaze on Luigi, who flinched, "I'll make an appointment for you with the royal tailor tomorrow. We can't have you showing up our Koopa pride with those tatty dungarees."
"Hey!" Luigi said. He liked these dungarees.
Admittedly though, some fresh clothes would be quite nice. Hopefully, this tailor could work with Mushroom Folk and not just Koopas.
"And as for you, Young Master Junior," Kammy said, turning to Junior and waving her arms in panic again. "Look at the state of your shell! You're going to need a bath immediately!"
"No!" Junior shouted and stomped his foot. "I had a bath five days ago!"
"You should have thought of that before you went and got yourself covered in paint," Kammy tutted. "I hate to think what your father would say about you dripping everywhere."
"You didn't care when he was dripping black paint all over the castle carpets," Junior muttered.
"Come along, Your Filthiness," Kammy said, leading the way.
Junior grumbled, but followed, leaving a trail of yellow footprints. Luigi, for lack of anything better to do (not to mention also wanting to clean the paint splatters off himself), tagged along after.
Kammy took them down the corridor and through several doors until she opened one to a cloud of steam.
Luigi stared. Stone baths of every shape and size filled the massive room before him. Water spilt down from bath to tiered bath. The stone looked to be the same granite as the rest of the castle, but its edges had been rounded by the flowing water. Koopas and Goombas and all sorts of minions were washing and playing in the steaming pools.
"Geothermally heated," Kammy said proudly at Luigi's gobsmacked expression. "Only the best for us, here in Lord Bowser's castle."
"It's not the best, it's the worst," Junior grumbled.
"Oh, hush. You don't know how good you've got it. Back when I was a tiny Magikoopaling, I had to scrub down with a bucket of cold water and a ratty sponge." Kammy prodded Junior into the bathing hall. "The princess suite is up there," she added to Luigi.
Luigi followed her finger to see a raised area enclosed in bamboo panels with a pink crown emblem on it. It was a relief to know he wouldn't have to bathe in front of everyone. He wasn't sure if Goombas would be as polite as Toads when it came to differing body types.
Kammy corralled Junior off to a shallow stone pool (shooing off the handful of Swoops who were already using it) and Luigi went to the princess suite, dodging splashes from a trio of Goombas who all seemed to be trying to dunk each other using only their faces.
The bamboo door cut off a surprising amount of noise as Luigi shut it behind him. He let out a sigh of relief and looked around. Steaming water trickled into a large hollow that could have comfortably fit four Luigis.
He undressed, taking care to wash off the paint on his dungarees before hanging them over the small wicker chair that didn't look strong enough to hold his weight.
The water was hot and slightly opaque. Luigi dipped his pinky in then, when it wasn't immediately boiled or eaten by acid, slowly lowered himself in fully.
It was heaven.
Luigi normally took showers for expediency, but a nice long soak was always a good way to relax (and who knew volcanic living made for such wonderful baths).
It was only once he was in the bath did Luigi realise that the bamboo panelling didn't go all the way to the back wall on both sides. There was a large gap that opened onto a massive pool that was hot enough for the occasional bubble to pop on the surface. Despite the busy baths, no one was splashing around or getting clean in this one.
Another reminder that any comfort he could get here was fleeting. Luigi quickly scrubbed the paint off his face and rinsed his hair.
He poked through the cosmetics on the shelves carved into the back wall and found a covered bowl of cherry scones. They felt soft and smelled fresh, so he tried nibbling on a corner. It tasted good enough, so Luigi ate as many as he could. He still wasn't sure what his meal situation was exactly, so for now he'd take food where he could get it.
Luigi also came across several combs, a pair of short sharp scissors, and a tin of Yikk's Fireproof Hair Wax. That he could now maintain his moustache correctly made him feel better than it probably should've given the rest of his current predicament.
Clean and resupplied, Luigi hummed to himself as he got dried and dressed (ignoring how the cuffs of his dungarees were still damp), then he realised he was completely unsupervised. If he was careful leaving the baths, he might be able to put one of his half-thought-through escape attempts into practice already.
Unfortunately, Junior was waiting next to the shoe rack near the door and perked up the second he spotted Luigi — despite Luigi's best attempts at stealth.
"Finally!" Junior said, jumping to his feet. "You took so long."
His shell was clean and his hair was plastered wetly to the top of his head, so he'd at least spent a bit of time getting clean, which Luigi could've taken advantage of if he hadn't been so tempted by his own bath.
"Sorry," Luigi said. "Why didn't you stay with Kammy?"
"She's ages in the bath," Junior moaned. "Says the hot water is good for softening her crusty old shell or something. Let's go before she tries to make me brush my teeth too."
Luigi frowned in concern. "But shouldn't you brush your teeth?"
"I've only got a baby fang right now," Junior shrugged. "It's gonna come out one day anyway, so why bother?"
"If you don't keep it clean, it can rot and the rot will spread to the adult fangs underneath too," Luigi said, trying his best to sound authoritative.
"Really?" Junior looked worried. "But that's not what Kammy says when she's trying to get me to brush it."
"Does Kammy have as many teeth as me?" Luigi tapped his teeth, thankful that Kammy, like most Koopas, was almost entirely beak.
"Huh…" Junior poked his fang with his tongue. "Okay, I'll brush it later."
"Every day."
"Fine, yeah, every day. Whatever."
A gaggle of Boomerang Bros came through the doors as Luigi and Junior got close. They were all chatting and laughing together, until they noticed Junior in front of them. Their joviality subsided and they stiffly made way for him.
Junior didn't seem to notice that his steps taking him out of the baths were more subdued. It was strange to think of a kid surrounded by other people as being lonely, but that's clearly what he was.
The contrast was especially jarring when Luigi thought of him as a kid. The Toad children Luigi was used to were always found in gaggles and were able to play with each other without fear. They were equals and, as both a prince and Bowser's son, Junior had an invisible wall separating him from the (still admittedly childish) soldiers that filled the castle.
Luigi knew better than to point that out right now. He didn't want to lose what little progress he'd made here as one of the only people who could make such progress — even Bowser had said they were close to equals rank-wise. Junior clearly needed someone who wasn't obviously of lower or higher rank to just be himself around.
With a jolt, Luigi realised he was thinking about this as a long-term plan. He didn't want to stay here long enough to put a full plan to effect — he wanted to go home.
They turned into a corridor with windows for once. The outside sky was red from more than just the lava surrounding the castle.
"The sun's going down," Luigi commented. "It's getting late."
"I'm not tired!" Junior stomped his foot.
Luigi hadn't said anything like that and hid a smile as he just waited. Sure enough, a moment later, Junior failed to stifle a massive yawn.
"Doesn't prove anything," he said grumpily.
"Uh-huh," Luigi said sceptically. "Did you stay up past your bedtime kidnapping me yesterday?"
"Don't have a bedtime."
"Uh-huh."
"I don't!"
"Well, it sure seems like you could use one," Luigi said diplomatically.
"Nuh-uh," Junior disagreed. "Bedtimes are for loser-Toads."
"You know, I always have a better day tomorrow if I get enough sleep tonight," Luigi said. "If I don't go to bed on time then I'm too tired to do the stuff I want to, like… like more painting or… or going adventuring! You can't go off on an adventure if you're yawning all the time."
Junior yawned again and looked very cross with himself. He stubbornly kept walking the way they were going, then yawned and abruptly turned one-eighty.
"I'm going to bed because I want to sleep," Junior announced, "not because you're right. You're wrong."
"Of course I am," Luigi said, drawing on the patience he used to read Toad toddlers bedtime stories over and over. "Now come on, I'll even carry you for a bit," he added, as Junior dragged his feet.
Junior was heavier than he looked. Thankfully he was still small, and Luigi could get him to hold on in an awkward piggyback.
"Where's your room?" Luigi asked, gripping his wrists together to form a support behind his back. His arms were going to be sore tomorrow.
"Across from yours," Junior said and yawned again.
"Okay…" Luigi looked around at the dark corridors illuminated purely by flickering torches and the hot glow of lava through the windows. "Where's that?"
"Down here, left at the end…"
Junior managed to stay awake enough to direct Luigi through the castle's maze-like corridors. By the time Luigi found the right door — the one with the messy orange painting of Junior's face on the red metal panels — Junior had dozed off on his back.
Luigi pushed open the door with his foot and went inside. It was roughly the same size as his room, just with far more toys scattered about the floor and murals on every inch of the wall. The windows were also barred shut, but Luigi hazarded a guess that it was because of child-proofing rather than prisoner-holding.
Dropping Junior in the bed was easy enough, though trying to wrestle the covers out from under him to tuck him in was surprisingly tricky. Shell spikes messed up everything.
"Wanna say g'night to papa," Junior said sleepily. "S'posed to say night night."
On the one hand, Luigi didn't want to go near Bowser if he could help it. On the other, Junior had been pretty nice all day and was probably the only thing stopping Luigi from hiding in a corner of his room and screaming into a frilly pink cushion. And he was just a kid — it wasn't his fault his father was a horrible, evil monster who liked kidnapping innocent princesses and plumbers.
"I'll… I'll see if I can ask him," Luigi said. "Where can I find him?"
"Probably in his room," Junior said, blinking slowly in an attempt to stay awake. "Next door?"
"Okay."
If Junior's room was obvious from his doors, Bowser's was even more so. The pair of doors was nearly identical to the ones on the front of the castle, all dark red and gold with gleaming spikes.
Luigi mustered his courage and knocked. Something crashed inside, followed by a low growl.
"Enter!" Bowser roared.
Luigi gulped. Fear gripped him — what was he doing?
Before he could make the decision to run away, the doors swept open, revealing Bowser looking royally pissed off with dark purple fire enshrouding his hands. He wasn't near the door, and Luigi couldn't see anyone else who could've opened it.
"What is it?" Bowser demanded.
"Jun-" Luigi's voice cracked and he had to clear his throat. "Ah, Junior's gone to bed and wants to say goodnight to you."
"I'm busy," Bowser said, turning back to his workbench.
"He's your son," Luigi said before he could stop himself. He managed to draw a scrap of courage from how lonely Junior had seemed earlier. "And he hasn't seen you much today."
Bowser looked at him for a long moment, assessing something. Finally, he hissed in the back of his throat.
"Fine," Bowser grumbled. He shook the purple fire off his hands and went to the door. He stopped and turned to point sharply at Luigi. "Stay here. Don't touch anything."
"Okie dokie," said Luigi.
Bowser stomped down the corridor and went into Junior's room. Luigi was happy to stay put until he noticed that Junior's door was ajar. It would probably be a good idea to listen in to see what they were saying in case it was something important.
That didn't take much convincing, Luigi wryly noted to himself as he tiptoed down the hall. The castle inhabitants' bad manners must be rubbing off on him already.
"— kidnap him next time?" Jr was asking when Luigi got within earshot.
"I want to marry Peach," Bowser said.
"Yeah, but Luigi plays with me," Junior said. "Peach is nice, but she doesn't give me shellback rides."
Bowser made an exaggerated thinking noise.
"Please, Dad, please, please, please!"
Bowser chuckled. "Next time we'll kidnap Peach and Luigi. How about that?"
"Ye-eah." Junior yawned in the middle of the word. "Sounds good, Papa."
"Sleep tight, son," Bowser said fondly.
Luigi ran back to Bowser's room before he could be caught eavesdropping.
He hadn't gotten a good look the first time. Luigi gave in to his curiosity again to make a quick loop around the room. As expected, there was a massive bed and plenty of scorch marks on the wall and floor (and even one or two on the high ceiling). There was also a solid wooden desk covered in papers and heavy books, with a sand timer and a mess of ink brushes. It reminded Luigi eerily of the desk Peach used after she'd spent a long day of nothing but royal accounting and paperwork. The main difference being that Peach only let her desk get into such a mess when she was overworked, whereas Luigi would put money on Bowser's being like this all the time.
Against the opposite wall was a sturdy metal bench that appeared to be some kind of magic workbench given the paraphernalia surrounding it. Luigi stepped closer and had a jolt of unpleasant recognition when he spotted the thing in pride of place.
The marriage certificate glowed faintly. Bowser's signature — including the stamp of his face — was stark against the yellow paper, in a dark red ink that reminded Luigi uncomfortably of blood. Luigi's signature (a wobbly 'Princess Pe~' that had been cut off when Bowser had finally noticed the deception and torn off Luigi's blonde wig) looked equally indelible.
Fine print covered the entire top third of the contract. Luigi peered at it, but it was too small to read by eye. He looked around the table and found a magnifying lens on a jointed metal arm set into the wood. When he pulled it out, it settled just above his head. It took some doing — the hinges were extremely stiff — but Luigi managed to get it lined up between his face and the contract.
This matrimonial agreement (the 'marriage') is entered into on the fifth day under the sign of the Mushroom (as is tradition in the province of the bride and accepted by the groom) and is binding as of —
"I thought I told you not to touch anything."
Luigi yelped and jumped away from the table, knocking off a vase of weird charcoal sticks and sage bundles in his haste. Bowser was back and looking maybe a bit less angry than usual.
"I didn't touch the paper," Luigi said quickly.
Bowser approached. Luigi trembled, but Bowser just leaned over him to reset the magnifying glass position.
"I wouldn't be mad if you'd destroyed it," Bowser said. "Well, not too mad — it took a lot of work to make in the first place."
"You wouldn't…?"
Bowser glowered at him. "You think I want to be married to you? By a magically binding contract at that?"
"Oh, right," Luigi said. Given he hadn't been roasted yet, maybe it was worth pushing his luck. "If you don't want me here and I don't want to be here… can I go then?"
"Bwahaha! What part of magically binding don't you understand?" Bowser said. "Look, I'll show you. Go out of the room."
Unsure what that would prove — though all too willing to leave — Luigi walked cautiously out of Bowser's room and pulled the doors shut behind him.
Something hooked into Luigi's guts and pulled. His vision blacked out in a flash of gold sparkles and when it cleared, he found himself standing next to Bowser again.
"Fweguhugle," Luigi said, then nearly fell over when his legs buckled. He grabbed hold of the workbench until the world stopped spinning.
Bowser grabbed Luigi's jaw and angled his face up to frown at him. "The spell didn't mention anything about side effects."
Luigi gave himself a shake and pushed Bowser off. Despite the sharp yank that felt like it had pulled his lunch out through his side, he wasn't injured, and his vertigo stopped when the last of the golden flashes in his vision faded away.
"There's a lot of stipulations tied up in this," Bowser continued. "Faithfulness and care — which unfortunately means I have to keep you safe —" he spat the word. "I have to provide for you too, so you have to stay here under my castle and not in your house. And you're lucky I couldn't find a way to work in obedience."
That sounded bad. It rang a bell though, making Luigi think back on the ceremony that he'd only been half paying attention to at the time. There had been talk of faithfulness, care, provisions, and a lopsided equality. Luigi might be bound to Bowser, but Bowser was also bound to Luigi.
It was possible that Luigi had just as much say in some areas of the bond as Bowser did.
"But we're both bound, right?" Luigi said. "Does that mean I can teleport you to me too?"
"What? N-no!" Bowser said too quickly. "Of course not. That would be an absurd oversight on my part. It's obviously one-sided."
"Really." Luigi put as much of his disbelief as he could into the word.
Bowser drew himself up and bared his sharp teeth in a snarl. Luigi took an instinctive step back.
"I will make you regret it," Bowser growled.
Luigi didn't doubt it. He made a squeaking noise.
"So anyway, don't try to run off," Bowser warned, turning back to the contract and the black magic book sitting on the table nearby. "You're my hostage. As soon as I figure out how to break this stupid contract without killing me or transfer your side of it to Peach, you're off to the nanny chambers instead of the royal suite."
"I — what?" Luigi said, taken aback. "Not that I want to be, but — not dead?"
Bowser pulled a bit of a face. "You're good with Junior; he needs more of that in his life."
It was strange, seeing a softer side to Bowser. Luigi had often told himself that trying to be a good parent was one of the best qualities a person could have and now that was muddling up his picture of the bad guys. Could he fight Bowser knowing how much he cared for Junior and how much Junior cared for him?
Please let him get rescued before anything else blurred the lines beyond recognition.
"I'll just go back to Peach's rooms for the night," Luigi said. "Goodnight," he added automatically.
"Hrmph, goodnight." Bowser appeared to be running just as much on autopilot as he leafed through his magic book.
Luigi slipped out of the room. For the first time since arriving, he was completely alone and unguarded. Did Peach always get this much free reign when she was kidnapped? Or was it because Luigi was contract-bound to stay there? Normally Peach was locked up in a cage when Luigi and Mario arrived, but maybe that was just for show when they got there?
The bed had been made when Luigi returned to the pink room. At least it was less blinding with the lights off. The warm orange glow of lava peeked through the barred windows, tinting everything dark red and giving just enough light for Luigi to get ready for bed.
So this was what it was like to be kidnapped by Bowser. Luigi wondered when it would stop feeling surreal.
Still, Luigi decided as he brushed his teeth with uncomfortably warm, slightly sulphurous water, it could be worse. He'd survived one day — he could hold out for a few more until Mario arrived.