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Seungmin was Minho’s first friend.
It was not easy by any means. Minho was confident, Seungmin was timid. Minho loved dancing until his legs gave out and he enjoyed going out with every new friend he made when he first joined the company. Seungmin was not too fond of dancing at the time, although he worked twice as hard every time he noticed he was falling behind by just a little bit, but he loved singing with all his heart that his throat’s begs for water became a common occurrence. They were not similar, for one, and they also did not belong in a usual friend-group. But they made it work.
They usually shared a table in the company cafeteria, sharing about their plans for the day if it’s lunchtime or about what they did throughout the day if it’s dinnertime. It’s not as often as Seungmin would like, because their practice schedules sometimes didn’t line up, but they made it work. (They’d always made it work.) Not as smoothly, of course, they were two boys in the middle of puberty, but still. One might say that irritation and mild grudges were their ways of communicating with each other. Seungmin might have agreed.
Time flew, kind of. It didn’t really feel that way because trainee days was a special kind of hell—first weekly evaluations, and then monthly evaluations, and also the dread that he’d never debut—but then the survival show was announced, and it was relieving. Another chance to debut, and Seungmin was determined that this was it. He’d be the one grabbing this chance no matter what. He smiled to himself when he heard that one of his favorite hyungs—Bang Chan was kind of everyone’s favorite hyung, but that’s besides the point—was going to handpick the members himself, and Seungmin knew Bang Chan adored him too. Seungmin knew he’s not the best singer (yet), but if Chan liked him enough to pick him, he would work hard to make it up. He’d do anything, honestly, because it meant that he’d be able to breathe easier again; one of the things that Seungmin hadn’t been able to do, not since he became a trainee.
Seungmin was really going to debut this time.
A lof of tears were shed.
Minho didn't come through.
Seungmin hugged him tightly. “Hyung, I'm so sorry. I don't want to debut without you. I'm sorry.”
“You've got nothing to be sorry about, Seungmin-ah.” Minho's hands were warm on Seungmin’s back. “You're going to be wonderful. I'm so proud of you.”
Seungmin’s eyes were a swollen mess the tomorrow morning. He almost forgot, almost called out, “Good morning, Minho-hyung,” before he remembered everything from last night.
Minho was supposed to be sleeping across the room. Minho was not there.
In the end, they debuted with Minho by his side. The eight of them got to be together, because as what Chan had always told everyone, "Eight is fate. I would never leave any of you behind." Seungmin deeply agreed.
Nothing was ever the same, though.
Seungmin really thought everything would be fine. With him and his Minho hyung. They were only apart for a week, anyway. He missed the warmth Minho's hugs always seemed to radiate when they were apart, but Minho was back with them now, so everything should fall back into place, right?
Wrong.
Minho was indeed there. He quickly adapted as a part of the newly debuted group, took the role of the dance leader seriously as he patiently and wholeheartedly helped everyone with their dancing. He gave them advices on how to improve and reassurances that they'd master the choreography in no time if they worked hard enough. Minho was truly a good hyung, yet he seemed very far away from Seungmin.
The phrase so close yet so far away had never hit closer to home than this for Seungmin.
“Hyung, do you want to go grab dinner after practice today?” Seungmin would ask, hoping they could hang out like old times—which was only two months ago, really—but Minho would say, “Sorry, Seungmin-ah. I need to help Jeongin and Felix with the choreography. Maybe tomorrow?” He'd offer.
The promised tomorrow never came around, though. Tomorrow became next time, and then it quickly became I'm tired and Kim Seungmin, aren’t you tired of asking me? Go with Hyunjin or Changbin, I heard they’re going out for dinner.
It was clear to Seungmin, then. Minho didn't like him one bit, not anymore. Or at least he didn't like him enough to have one single meal with him. He couldn't have been more clear—Seungmin just wished he would tell him why. What changed their late night talks and warm hugs to hostile communications and halfhearted smiles that quickly became snarky remarks on bad days.
(Or why Minho replaced him with Jisung. Seungmin would never ask, but it hurt all the same.)
Seungmin was Minho’s first friend.
It was not easy by any means, but Seungmin had always been someone who could light up Minho's day, as cheesy as it sounded. Long, tiring practice nights? It's okay, he would get to walk around with Seungmin after practice. Got scolded by his vocal teacher? It would be fine, Seungmin got his back and he learnt better from Seungmin anyway.
The day he got eliminated, it felt like his world was shattered.
He understood that everyone would think that he needed a little more time before he could debut—he had only been a trainee a few months anyway. If all else failed, he could always go back to his dance crew back home. It's all fine.
But having the realization that he would need to part with Seungmin was a different kind of pain. His sweet, adorable dongsaeng. He didn't lie when he said that he was so proud of him.
Kim Seungmin, his first friend, the most hardworking person he encountered in the company. His heart broke seeing Seungmin cry because of him, and right there, right then, he made a promise to himself that he'd try his best to not let Seungmin get hurt anymore. That promise, however, led to him deciding that letting go of the feelings he had in the corner of his heart would be the best plan. Feelings that were freshly blooming they hadn't even been named yet, and just like that, everything he was feeling were shoved back and never resurfaced.
He would rather feel the ache all by himself, anyway, rather than having Seungmin to feel it together with him. Seungmin deserved to be happy, always. Just not with him; never with him.
Seungmin deserved better, Minho thought. If only Seungmin could read minds, he would hit Minho and told him sharply. “You couldn't have been more wrong, hyung. Stupid Minho-hyung. I didn't want better, didn’t need better. I wanted you.”
But fate unfortunately didn’t favor them, this time. Maybe next time, or in another lifetime, but certainly not in this one.