Chapter Text
“I fucked it up,” Jinx sighed, sinking back onto Sera’s pink comforter.
“I’m quite sure you didn’t, sweetheart,” she spoke from her place in the armchair across the room, toying with her iPod, organizing songs in her newest playlist.
“But I did, I was really stupid,” Jinx grumbled.
“So you kissed… so it wasn’t the best kiss ever, who cares? She still likes you.”
Jinx sighed, her stomach lurching as she remembered the events of the weekend. Everything had been so perfect up until the final stretch of the game. She’d gone too far, too fast, and butchered it like usual. Jinx wanted to cry. She choked up, shutting her eyes tightly, trying to block out the memories of that day.
She swallowed hard and rolled onto her stomach, breathing hard into the pillow. It smelled of Seraphine’s shampoo, a familiar, comforting scent, like a hug from her best friend. She nuzzled further into the embroidered pillowcase.
“Did you guys talk about it after?”
“Fuck no!” Jinx exclaimed, muffled by the pillow “It was so embarrassing, she basically fled as soon as we got to her place, and we haven’t talked since.”
“You should probably talk about it though.”
Jinx knew Sera was right, she needed to talk things through with Lux but it was just so mortifying. Jinx was obviously the problem. But she also knew there was no way Lux would tell her that, she was just too nice.
“She’ll probably act like it wasn’t a big deal, but I could see it in her face, it was bad. ”
Sera hummed thoughtfully. “Why don’t you tell me what you did, and I can walk you through what you can improve?”
Jinx groaned. “Like a fuckin’ lecture, Sera? Spare me.”
The silence stretched for a few moments and Jinx thought that would be the end of it. She didn’t expect what Sera said next.
“Do you need a more hands-on lesson?” She asked in her no-joke, cautious tone.
Jinx stopped. She gulped faintly and sat up with a small frown on her face. Did she just hear that right? Surely she was hearing things again, there was no way Sera meant what she thought. But she had been good with taking her medication, no matter how drowsy the pills made her. She’d promised Lux she’d be better about that.
She decided to deflect. “Like what? Practicing on your pillow? That’s fucking stupid Sera,” she snorted.
Jinx arched an eyebrow at her friend, a small smirk on her face. Sera hummed, swinging her feet, and looked back at Jinx with pursed lips as she clicked her iPod’s screen off. She raised from her sprawled position across the armchair, walked up to the bed, and crawled up to sit by Jinx’s side, facing her.
“Do you trust me?” Sera was giving her this intense look, staring directly at her eyes. Jinx had to force herself not to flinch or twitch under her gaze.
“I do, I trust you Sera, but-”
“It’s going to be for educational purposes only, so you don’t have to be nervous.”
Jinx swallowed harshly as drool started pooling in her mouth. She trusted Sera and she’d told her not to be nervous. Jinx still gripped tightly onto the pillow she was hugging, chewing her lip distractedly.
“Are you serious?” Jinx asked softly.
“I’m serious. But it’s up to you, I don’t want to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”
“Do you think it’ll help?”
“Yeah, I think practicing helps. And if you and Lux don’t wanna talk about it then…” Sera shrugged, brushing a strand of pink hair behind her ear.
Jinx brought her thumb to her mouth, nipping at her fingerpad, considering Sera’s offer.
“I’d feel bad, though,” she said eventually, gulping against the knot that formed in her throat seeing Sera’s hurt expression.
“That’s- no, yea, you’re right. I’m sorry I even suggested it.”
“No. Don’t be. You were just being helpful. I just- I don’t even know where I stand with Lux right now.”
Sera nodded in understanding. “You should ask her, then.”
“I think I will.”
Jinx tried, she really tried asking Lux. Talking to her about what happened the night of the game. But every time she attempted to type out a message, or hovered her thumb on the call button, she remembered how bad it had been and started feeling sick all over again.
Lux reached out after a week of radio silence during which Jinx had missed school. Jinx stared at the text for a long time.
Flashlight at 2:32 pm:
hey i was wondering if i could crash at your place tonite, missed you this week
Jinx started typing. ‘ missed you too’ She stared at the screen, sighed, and deleted the message. ‘id love to’ too much. ‘sure’ too bland.
Jinx at 2:43 pm:
yea id like 2 hang out see u soon?
Flashlight at 2:44 pm:
omw <3
Jinx smiled to herself, chewing her lip as she felt warmth spread across her cheeks. Ugh, she really liked this girl.
“So,” Lux started after getting settled, they sat close to one another at the end of the bed.
“Yeah, what is it Flashlight?” Jinx swung her feet back and forth, twitching in place. Lux felt the movement of Jinx’s thigh brushing against hers.
“Do you- should we talk about the football game?”
“What about it?”
Jinx was playing dumb. Lux sighed, leaning back on her arms, looking at a random spot ahead. She didn’t want to make things awkward but they should’ve talked about it a long time ago. Lux had let too much time pass already.
“Isn’t there anything you wanna talk about?”
“Well, Vi was great, wasn’t she?”
“She was,” Lux agreed, smiling faintly. “That last play was cool, even if I didn’t understand what was happening. It looked epic.”
“Told ya she was the fuckin’ best!” Jinx grinned. Seeing Jinx’s excitement sent butterflies to Lux’s stomach, she couldn’t help but smile back widely.
“Yeah, I’m glad I got to meet her… And the dinner was really nice.”
Lux remembered too late how uncomfortable Jinx had been after the game, making the dinner experience almost unbearable. Jinx sighed looking down at her lap, fidgeting with the mismatched lacquer in her fingers.
“I know it sucked… I’m sorry,” she said barely above a whisper.
“What? No, that’s not-”
Jinx gave her an exasperated look, with a raised eyebrow and lips tugged down into a frown.
Lux took a deep breath and tried again “Okay, if you’re talking about the kiss, yeah, sure it wasn’t great but-”
“You hated it, I could tell, don’t soften the blow,” Jinx almost growled.
“It’s not meant to be a blow. I just- I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.” Jinx scoffed. Lux frowned, scratching her shoulder.
This was why she didn’t want to face Jinx in the first place, she didn’t know how to handle her mood swings. When she got upset she started spewing venom and then closed into herself. Lux knew to give her space, but also wished she could help in some other way. She at least got the other girl to actually use her weekly pill organizer, which had been collecting dust in a drawer somewhere.
“At least now you can tell me what I did wrong, and I can try to do better.”
“It wasn’t just you, I was nervous too,” Lux tried to reassure her.
“But it wasn’t your first.”
“Well, no…” Lux trailed off. She didn’t need to keep talking about that and make Jinx more upset.
“So you know how to do it properly,” Jinx concluded, sighing as she let herself fall back onto the mattress.
“I guess it’s just, that we were both expecting something different…” Lux rationalized and quickly added, “But that doesn’t make me like you any less.”
“I don’t see how that’s possible.”
Lux flinched, her frown deepening. She took another deep breath. Tried not to get agitated, but it really upset her when Jinx got like this. She knew it wasn’t that she didn’t believe Lux, she wouldn’t believe anyone who was trying to reassure her. But it still made Lux feel hurt. It made her feel useless being unable to make Jinx see things the way Lux did, see herself as Lux saw her.
“So if I’m bad at something you want to do, you'll stop liking me?”
“No, but-”
“Then why would I stop liking you because of this? Do you really think that little of me?”
Lux didn’t mean to make it about herself but it was so frustrating. Jinx didn’t respond, she just shrugged, staring up at the ceiling.
“Jinx…” Lux called, she was running out of patience.
She tilted her head to give Lux a vacant look.
“Talk to me, please?”
“Lux…” Jinx started, Lux leaned closer, biting her lip as she watched the blue-haired girl attentively “you’re just trying to feed me lies and I’m tired,” she landed with a slight glare.
“Wow, you’re unbelievable.” She stood up, and Jinx didn’t react.
This wasn’t fair. Lux only wanted to patch things up with her almost- girlfriend. Smooth out this hiccup in their relationship. But Jinx didn’t even seem interested in holding a conversation like adults.
“I’ll let you get some rest, then. Let me know when you’re ready to actually speak to me.” Lux stormed off, fuming.
Sera at 4:46 pm:
what did u do?
Jinx at 4:50 pm:
4 real? she ratted on me w u???
Sera at 4:51 pm:
its not rattin shes upset
Jinx at 4:53 pm:
…im upset too
Sera at 4:55 pm:
srry… wanna talk abt it?
Jinx at 4:59 pm:
no
Sera at 5:02 pm:
cmon jinxie… pls? let me come over?
Jinx was trying this thing where she was accepting help from others when they offered it. It was easier than actively asking for help when she needed it. So she hesitated but still replied.
Jinx at 5:09 pm:
fine
Sera had to turn off the notifications on her phone because they kept ringing with messages, presumably from Lux.
“Sorry about that.” She settled back against the bed frame with a heavy sigh.
“You’re her friend too, you should probably reply to her.”
“I told her I needed some time to deal with something else. I think she’ll be okay.”
“So I’m something that’s gotta be dealt with now?” Jinx huffed.
“Oh sweetie, you know I didn’t mean it that way.”
“Didn’t ya? I mean, I know I’m a very bothersome thing to deal with a lotta the time.” She shrugged.
“Honey, please. You’re my best friend, you’ve been for ten years and you’ll be for ten more, okay? I don’t see you as a burden or whatever you’re getting in your head about.”
Jinx frowned, biting her lip, looking down. “I know, I just,” she sighed, slumping over “self-esteem issues and anxiety suck the life force and brain cells outta me,” she chuckled humorlessly. “Besides all this shit with Lux has got me overthinking literally every little thing I do. I try, Sera, I really try to ignore the negative thoughts, but they’re always there, no matter what.” She felt the angry tears stinging her eyes.
“And do you agree with them?”
“Yeah?” Jinx said, rubbing her face harshly. “I mean, they’re not wrong. Every time I manage to ignore them I always end up confirming they were right all along.”
“Listen… I get it, I also feel shit about myself sometimes. Despite not usually showing it, we all have bad days. And I know, I know that what you’re going through isn’t just a bad day. But I’m glad that you let me come over, it shows a great deal of improvement that you’re willing to talk it out. I’m sure Lux will appreciate that too.”
Lux, that’s right, she’d been the one who texted Sera. “What did she tell you?”
“That you two fought and you said some things that upset her… she didn’t give me all the details but I’m guessing it had to do with the kiss and not being good enough for her or something.”
“I feel like I’m making a big deal out of it… But what can I do? She’s not telling me what she really thinks just to spare my feelings.”
“Jinx… as much as your concerns are valid. Do you think that having someone be kind to you and care about not hurting your feelings is a bad thing?”
Sera was right, of course, she was. Jinx knew she was being stupid.
“I know I’m being irrational. I know she’s doing it to protect me or whatever but it’s just- what if she always lies to me just to make me feel better? And then eventually just leaves because I was never-” Jinx stopped herself short, furrowing her brows, she dug her nails into her palms, choking up, as she looked down.
Sera’s arms were around her immediately and she sunk into her friend’s shoulder, whimpering pathetically. Jinx hugged her back, gripping onto the back of her shirt, balling the fabric as she cried against her. She knew she was probably ruining her shirt with mascara and eyeliner but she couldn’t stop herself.
“I’m sorry,” Jinx managed.
“Don’t be, let it out sweetie, it’s okay.”
Jinx thought she might stop a few times, but the knot in her throat kept bloating more, sobs escaped and tears flowed. She didn’t realize much time had passed, Sera kept rubbing her back and stroking her hair as the room got darker, and the rays of the sun faded.
With a quivering sigh, Jinx pressed her face into Sera’s neck. A curtain of her friend’s hair shielded Jinx from the outside world. She was in a bubble of pink, a safe cocoon of comfort and security.
You can’t stay like this forever. Face it, no one will hold you like this. No one will be with you like this forever.
She whimpered and breathed heavily, tightening her grip on Sera. Jinx didn’t want to let go. Didn’t want it to be over.
“Jinx, honey, I got you, it’s okay,” she whispered soothingly.
“Sera?” Jinx said shakily.
Sera tried to pull back but Jinx shook her head.
“What is it, love?”
Jinx’s breath hitched in her lungs, her throat was closing in, and she was shaking hard.
“I’m sorry…” she had to apologize for what she was going to do.
“Baby, what’s the matter? Look at me, please?”
Jinx didn’t want to, she knew what she’d do if she had Sera’s face right in front of her, her hands stroking her cheeks and hair, looking at her with so much devotion. You can’t hold on forever. Loosening her grip on Sera, she pulled back slightly. Gazed into Sera’s eyes and saw the frown of concern on her brows. Jinx released a soft breath and leaned forward, closing the space between them. Sera froze.
Jinx reached up to cup the back of her neck, eyes fluttering shut. Sera tilted her head to the side, grabbing Jinx’s jaw, with steady hands, guiding her movements. Jinx relaxed, parted her lips, and felt Sera’s tentative tongue gently trace her bottom lip before swiping over hers.
Messages rang on Jinx’s phone but couldn’t be heard, the device tucked under the pillows. Nor the sound of the front door opening. Nor the soft knock on the bedroom door and the voice calling Jinx’s name on the other side.
The door cracked open and they did hear the gasp. They saw Lux staring from the entrance of the room. Her eyes were wide as plates, a hand covered her mouth. Jinx felt her heart leap out of her chest at all the emotions flashing in Lux’s face: surprise, confusion, betrayal, pain, and rage.
Oh fuck… Fuck, fuck fuck!
She bolted. No, no, no, no, no.
“Lux, wait!” Sera quickly jumped up and ran behind the blonde.
Jinx was left alone with her thoughts, her damning thoughts.
Why? Why the fuck did she do that? She didn’t see Sera that way. She hadn’t for a long time. She was upset and Sera was there for her. Lux had tried to be before but she didn’t understand, she’d gotten fed up with Jinx’s shit. And she was within her right but…
‘It’s over now, you fucked up everything.’
Fuck.