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Steven loved Anthony.
It’s just a simple fact, the sky is blue, the planet is round, and Steven loves Anthony more that he’s ever loved anyone in his life.
Most people admit to their crush they like them, or they let the crush slowly fade into non existence. He can only dream of letting it fade away, blown away by the passage of time. Anthony’s not only the one that makes his heart swell, he’s also the one that makes him laugh so hard tears run down his cheeks, he’s the one who’s there for him when times get rough, he’s simply.. The one.
Stevens one and only.
It’s been more than a year since he started to notice his feelings for his best friend were more than platonic. It’s also been a year since he started to slowly come undone. Simply looking at his best friend sends butterflies flying through his stomach, sometimes clogging up his throat to where he can’t even speak.
And he has to just cough, and try to laugh it off. He can’t confess his feeling to him, because what if he doesn’t return them? What if he denies him, and refuses to talk to him again?
Who will make his every single day worthwhile, if things go wrong?
Even if Anthony did feel the same, he couldn’t do anything about it, he’s not a homewrecker. He’s with Jess, he can’t tear apart a relationship.
And most days Steven can deal with it, most days he can force the butterflies out of his throat, compress the urge to hug Anthony and never let go, most days he can deal with the shipping, the “bromance”.
But sometimes he can’t. Some days, the butterflies he’s been forcing down come alive with such a force that he can’t even breathe anymore, some days he can’t help but lay in bed, reading tweet after tweet after tweet… All of them saying..
“Zeroyalchaos is so real guys.”
Steven knows they’re joking, he knows they are, because none of them could never quite understand how real it is. How painfully and soul crushing real it is. They couldn’t possible understand how he has to cancel recording sessions with Anthony sometimes because he can’t breathe properly and he can’t stop crying. They couldn’t understand that some days he’ll stare at the wall, trying to crush all feelings he has for the italian.
But he can’t. The feeling are always there, whether he wants them there or not. The simple pleasures aren’t things he can enjoy anymore, he can’t make his coffee without trying to get the same brown of his best friend's eyes, he can’t edit videos without thinking if Anthony’s editing a video too, he can’t sleep without thinking about how he’s sleeping in a bed with Jess.
And not with him.
Not with him.
Sometimes Anthony gives him the smallest sliver of hope, like when they meet up, and Anthony hugs him for a little too long, hugs him a little too hard. Or when he wraps an arm around his shoulders, saying “I missed ya bud.” with that dazzling smile of his.
Sometimes Anthony gives him a mix of hope and dread, fear and anxiety.
Like when Anthony showed up at his doorstep at 11 o’clock at night, clutching his suitcase. With a face so pale he looked like a ghost, with eyes so red he looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks.
Steven rushed him inside, repeating softly “what happened, what’s wrong?” Which Anthony only responded by shaking his head slightly.
He sat him down on the couch, and Anthony curled up so tiny, so small, it seemed like he might stop existing at any moment. Steven just held him close, running his fingers through his hair slowly, so slowly he might’ve not even noticed. Anthony shook and let out choked sobs, holding something close to his chest. It was his phone. Slowly, ever so slowly, he gave the phone to Steven. Anthony held the phone like it’d explode into tiny bits at any moment.
Steven read the texts on the phone, paragraph after paragraph.
“I don’t think you love me”
“I feel underappreciated.”
“Please get your stuff and get out as soon as possible”
“This won’t work”
“You can pick up the rest of your stuff later.”
“I’m sorry.”
Steven put the phone down on the table next to the couch, slowly closing his eyes, holding Anthony just a little bit tighter.
Jess had broken up with him.
Over text.
Eventually, Anthony started to breathe slowly, big shaky breaths. The tears began to dry, the sniffling stopped.
But Steven held him, and held him a little longer. Until the cloud cleared up in Anthony's mind, until the gentle rain began outside, the sky taking the burden of tears away from him.
Anthony sat up, and he stared at nothing for a long time. Steven let him, Steven let him think and grieve. Anthony's throat opened up once more, and he spoke in a deep tired voice.
“I.. Booked a flight here as soon as I could. It was almost like a reflex..” Anthony gave a small laugh before continuing.
“I wasn’t sure what else to do.. So.. I just came.. I.. Brought the essentials in my bag.”
Steven could tell what he was hinting at, so he hugged Anthony tightly, and Anthony gripped on to him weakly.
And Steven knew he was so very not okay.
“You can stay for as long as you like, Anthony. You’re always welcome here.” Steven pulled away, and gave a small smile.
“You look exhausted. Really, you should sleep. Go sleep in my bed, I can take the couch.” He got up and headed to the closet, going to get a spare blanket for himself, when he heard a small voice come from behind him, so small he almost didn’t catch it.
“Can you.. Sleep with me? I don’t want to be alone right now..” Steven licked his lips, and for a brief second his throat closed up, and his fists tightened.
Just for a moment, he let himself wallow in his own grief for being stuck in this situation, for having to spend more time with Anthony, for having to share a bed with him.
Just for a moment. Then he turned around, put on a smile, and walked back towards the couch.
“Course bud. Let’s head to bed.”
~
For the most part, all Steven could hear was the whirring of his fan, keeping the room cool. But if he focused he could hear the quiet even breaths of Anthony.
He couldn’t stop focusing on those quiet breaths, in and out. The rain only grew worse and worse over time, and eventually thunder began to boom, filling every corner of the room with sound.
For now, the sky was taking Anthony's grief. For now, he could sleep. But that didn’t mean Steven could. Anthony was sleeping next to him, and he couldn’t focus on the fact that he should be sleeping himself.
And any time he started to lull off into sleep, the thunder jolted him back into the real world. Steven always hated thunder storms. He tried breathing more evenly, tried thinking about nothing, but then the thunder would come back, and he’d end up back right where he started.
The blankets rustled, and suddenly Steven was a lot warmer than he was before. Anthony had wrapped his arms around him, their legs were tangled together by sheets and blankets. Steven swore that his heartbeat was loud enough for Anthony to hear, but if he did hear it he said nothing about it. Instead, he mumbled half asleep, half awake.
“I got you. You’re there for me, I’ll be there for you.” The words were a tiny whisper on Stevens neck, and he almost shivered before he calmed himself.
“Thanks Chilly.”
Steven could tell he was smiling, and Anthony slowly drifted off back to sleep. It was such a simple, common gesture for them. When they were young Anthony would hold him close during thunderstorms and make sure he was okay, and apparently that carried over to their adult years too. He had no clue what an effect he had on Steven, he had no clue what this normal thing they always used to do did to him now.
But slowly, he calmed down. Anthony was there for him, holding him close. He was so pleasantly warm, he couldn’t help but drift off to sleep.
Over the next month their routine was generally the same. They alternated over who cooked meals, recorded videos, (Anthony had notified the fans weeks ago that he was no longer with Jess) and who did the general chores. Sometimes they’d go out, have pizza or run around a grocery store at 2 in the morning. There was one thing though that never really changed in their schedule, though.
At the end of the night, they’d both sleep in Stevens bed, and Anthony would hold him close. They never really discussed it, and it was an itch in the back of Stevens mind, that slowly grew and grew. Until it was a huge glaring problem.
Anthony was slowly getting back to normal, or as normal he gets. He was cracking more jokes, laughing more, smiling more, and generally seemed to slowly becoming happier.
One thing Steven couldn’t help but notice, were the not-so-subtle touches that Anthony gave him.
A more than brief arm around him, a brush of hands, sometimes Steven would catch him staring at him.
It was all driving him a bit mad, so mad in fact, that he was considering bringing it up.
He was thinking of bringing it all up. The brief bits of contact, and his crush. Anthony has been living with him for a month now, and it didn’t seem like he planned on leaving anytime soon.
And Steven knew that he couldn’t keep it hidden up under wraps forever, the longer he waited, the more likely it’d be revealed on something other than his own terms.
And he really didn’t want that.
Weeks passed by, and weeks turned into months. Time after time Steven practiced his speech in the mirror, he needed to get it just right. Nothing had changed, Anthony still cuddled up to him at night, the times of more than brief contact started to happen more and more often.
And, eventually, Steven couldn’t wait even a second longer.
It was early in the morning, both of them were just starting to get up and about. Anthony stumbled towards the kitchen, opening and closing cabinets.
“So I kinda felt like french toast, but I also kinda wanted pancakes. Which one do you prefer Steven? Or should I just go ahead and make both?” Anthony chuckled slightly before poking his head out the kitchen, seeing his friend on the couch looking nervous. Anthony's smile fell.
“What’s up?” Anthony said, plopping down next to him. He tried to catch Stevens eye, but he’d only look at his hands. Anthony's eyebrows furrowed.
“I wanted to talk to you about something.” Steven said, still not looking him in the eye.
Anthony grew a bit more hesitant and concerned. “Yeah, course, you can talk to me about anything.” Anthony sat in silence and waited for a response. Steven cleared his throat.
“I just wanted to talk about the past few months.” Steven paused briefely.
“You’ve been.. Really affectionate with me lately. I… I feel like you’re giving me mixed signals. Because.. Because.. I really really like you. And I don’t want to ruin our friendship.” He said the last part quietly, tears started to well in his eyes.
Anthony's mouth dropped open, slowly getting up and beginning to pace around the room slightly.
“Ze… Ze I’m not..” Anthony sighed. “I’m not gay.” Steven felt like he’d gotten punched in the stomach.
“I’m not gay. But.. But I think I like you too. I just..” Anthony started to pull on his hair. Stevens eyes widened.
“I’ve never liked guys, I’m not gay, but I like you? And I don’t know what to fucking do about that?” Anthony looked utterly exasperated
“I actually..” Anthony laughed bitterly. “I actually got broken up with because she was sure I loved you. She told me that after the initial break up.” He stopped pacing and sat back down, Steven waited for him to continue.
“I.. I didn’t think I loved you back then? But I guess Jess knew before I did.. But.. Now that we’ve been living together and stuff.. Well.. I just.. I think I really fucking like you Ze. But I don’t know, I don’t know..” Anthony held his face in his hands.
“Can I.. Can I try something?” Anthony said. Steven only gulped and nodded.
Anthony moved closer to Steven, when they were mere inches away Steven let out a simple sentence.
“You don’t have to do this..”
Anthony gave a soft smile.
“I think I want to..” He said before closing the space between them.
Both Anthony and Steven felt butterflies flutter in their stomachs as they kissed, Anthony pushed forward slightly, kissing just a little bit harder. Steven didn’t think that this would ever happen in a million years, but here they were.
After a few more seconds they parted, their faces still only a few inches apart.
“I think I might be a little bit gay, only for you though.” Anthony said with a big grin. Steven smiled back.
“I think I might be a little bit gay, only for you too.” He said.
They kissed once again, unaware that a lifetime of kisses were in their futures.