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i. how it started
toya’s had this vivid feeling for about a few weeks now. he isn’t sure how it began, and he never really bothered figuring it out, savor the feeling, he would think. toya has never been exposed to much of this, staying at an all-boys school before transferring to kamiyama high, but that bit doesn’t matter.
because, out of all people he chose, out of all the people he could’ve set his heart to,
he chose his partner, shinonome akito.
but their bond is sweet, how could he not? sure, knowing akito, it would look a little different to someone unsuspecting, but toya isn’t one of those. he knows akito, having being his partner for quite sometime. akito isn’t some other person to him, and he hopes it’s likewise for the other.
it’s microscopic, almost, the look of gush toya has on akito. he wouldn’t stare holes into akito’s soul, but the gaze he has definitely wished he could.
adjust the microscope, and you could see the shine on toya’s eyes. his stoic look hides it all, unfortunately. any other person would kill to have the same expression around their crush, call toya lucky, i guess.
the world just seems brighter, and akito looks just like the sun, except brighter
i just wanna know you better now.
ii. doubt
‘i’m so sorry, your grace. i never thought i’d do this, i’d never think i’d be standing here before you like this! your highness, please—’, the knight cried, sobbing out any word that came out of his mouth. call the princess out of character, having cut him off, but she deemed it necessary. ‘you have nothing to be sorry for, my knight.’ the princess nodded, she accepted her fate. ‘i love you, akito— wait, thats not how that goes...
toya sighed, remembering to keep it down in a library. he came here to get his mind off things, specifically about akito.
now, as much as he would love to think about akito for days on end, its the trail of thought that he would rather avoid.
would he harbor feelings like this...? is it even right, creating a fantasy just like this? is it wrong of me to assume he likes me too? we’ve had so much as partners, is it wrong of me to say something else, stronger than this, could happen? wait... would we be judged for it? considering relationships usually take need of a man and a woman, how would it work if we’re both guys? do i even like him like that? could it be just me mistaking it as a wish to get to know him better? maybe a relationship is too much...
they both know an and kohane were dating, yes. akito didn’t mind it, and toya only assume it was because they worked well even with it— better, you could say, yet if it were him, he feels like it might not go similarly. maybe the heartache of all this is too much...
why am i like this?
iii. accidental kiss
“...akito, not to discourage you, but have you done this before?”, toya backs away, unfamiliar with what akito is about to bring to his face. it’s a make up brush.
“yes! now hold still, jesus christ!’, akito leaned close, the brush tickling toya’s lips. vivid bad squad has an event in a few hours, which is why they’re putting on make-up, blame an, she’s the damned fucker who brought it up, akito would say, but instead, “ena made me one of her barbie make up heads as a kid. eventually taught me how, in spite of my old man. she told me to hide any birthmarks ‘n shit”, looking up from toya’s lips, after getting the lining done, “does that help your boat flow any better?”, the olive-eyed raised an eyebrow. “its ‘help your boat float’, and yes.”, toya chuckled.
vivids sat together, also doing their make up. an sat beside kohane, like a corner of a square. meanwhile, akito and toya where facing in front of each other, they’re kinda like on a fancy date!, an would coo, whispering to kohane.
“heh, watch this!”, an whispered to kohane, nudging akito by his back, pushing him closer to toya.
and mind you, the two were inches away from each other’s faces,
like, one small push could toya’s lips land on akito’s.
and to no one’s surprise, they did.
a small brush of toya’s lips against akito’s, he didn’t notice anything. whether or not his lips were soft, dry, chapped, he couldn’t tell from that brush alone. good news for akito, but not so much to toya. his face had a light pink blush to it, luckily, it could pass as make up, but they didn’t put on anything on his skin, just eyeliner and lip liner.
an was laughing her shit off, meanwhile, akito felt the other’s lips on his for a moment, he definitely knew. now staring down at the floor, in a look of crisis, with a hush pink seeping through, eventually making a brighter pink, akito couldn’t bare looking at toya in the eye.
nor could toya, honestly. but for the sake of things going well, he had to snap out of it.
is he—
he'd never tell, but secretly, he wanted him as well
iv. distance.
after that fiasco, toya assumed he should stay away. the downward look of akito made toya assume he was angry, at him, to be specific.
he shouldn't even be angry at toya, anyone thinking straight would say, but it made sense to toya. surprisingly, and unfortunately to akito.
toya wouldn't say this out loud, but it hurt doing that too. it hurt him really badly. separating himself from akito, leaving immediately after practice, he wishes he could stay, believe him. albeit his heart, harboring feelings that could ruin them, akito and toya.
would he accept my feelings...?
would he accept me?
he would hide in the library, passing ‘library duty!’ as an excuse. he would even go home first, or, well, say he will. he would make his way to an arcade far enough from their practice room, and made sure you wouldn't pass by if you were going to the shinonome residence. it clears his mind, call it a bonus.
he did decide to go to that arcade today, it's been a couple of days since he began avoiding akito, ask him how he survived and he definitely wouldn't be able to give you an answer.
it's just... toya liked it, the kiss, but it's doesn't seem like akito did.
he feels as if he hurt his partner, his best friend— nope, still hurts to call him that, ahem, moving back. toya didn't like the sound of his friendship with akito ending, so he just... ran away before akito could say something about it
he feels bad, that he likes akito. it could ruin what they have, and that scares toya. it feels like he's being punished for it, having avoiding him. each look, or heck, even thought of akito sent toya rushes of guilt. he would space out in class because of it.
every minute, toya would silently pray that it would go away, that blushing, warm butterfly feeling in his stomach. he prayed he didn’t have to hurt himself like this, he prays akito wasn’t hurting as much as he was.
i'm sorry for liking you, if liking you is a sin
v. walking vivid street
class was over, practice was over.
vivid bad squad had a couple of events, but they’re planning to fill up their schedule for the entire month, so an suggested walking around for event offers. toya volunteered, saying everyone else should go home. akito raised that he should be the one to, knowing toya gets an earful if he goes home late, but the other excused it as needing to get away from home a little more.
toya would never say this, fearing how he might be acting out of character and worrying someone, but truthfully, he’s nervous about his performance lately. he knows how he’s been acting, being a little off lately. he’s giving his best to hide it, and to his defense, an nor kohane noticed yet, its just... akito doesn’t see toya how an or kohane does, akito knows something’s off immediately.
last time, akito did ask toya why he’s been off, toya brushed it off to the best of his abilities, but you can’t fool akito.
stepping into vivid street, toya couldn’t help being reminded of akito. looking at the graphited walls, glancing at the corner where they first met, watching others perform. bless the sky above, it gave light to memories of toya’s, it broke his heart.
everywhere toya looked, it had some memory of him and akito. he wonders if he should’ve not walked around here like this, but here he is. walking the streets looking for livehouses. it would be akito and him usually, walking close enough to hold hands, but never letting them brush each other’s. it was petrifying, both not being able to and if they did.
or at least, to toya.
i hope it never ends, i’d never walk this street again.
vi. confrontation
“yo, toya, can we talk for a bit?”
toya felt like he was shaking, his feet glued to the ground not wanting to move. it’s like his heart dropped, waves of panic enveloped him. toya knew this was coming, don’t get him wrong, but he didn’t expect it to be now. he only hummed in response, walking to akito. each step burned his heart with nervousness, questioning what akito was about to ask.
is it the kiss? is it how i’ve been off for a few days now? it might just be him asking what we think of expanding as vivid bad squad, but—
“toya, you okay? seriously, answer me honestly. i gotta know as your partner, y’know” no, i’m not. toya thought to himself, he knows he has to get this damned feeling out of his chest sometime now, especially because its dying to get out, more so lately. toya contemplated, thinking if he should just trust akito, thinking if he should just open up and pray akito accepts how he is
“toya, not answerin’ is only gonna make me worry even more”, snapping out of his thoughts, toya didn’t even notice. he feels like his breathing shortened, he feels like he was shaking even more, even if on the surface, it really isn’t that visible.
akito took toya’s hand, feeling toya’s unconscious grip on it. even the small— no, almost invisible jolts, akito noticed them all. call it one of his talents. “you’re shakin’ in your skin! don’t go pulling an ‘i’m okay’ on me. what’s goin’ on?”, akito kept his hand on toya’s hoping for the other to feel safe, but it only made toya know of akito’s presence, and how close he was to him. one day, if he doesn’t do it now, he’s going to burst, so might as well.
“promise me, whatever happens, we’re still going to be partners.”
vi. confession
“toya, what ever the fuck you’re thinking, it’s not the end of the world. we’re still gonna be partners, i’m not leaving your damned side again”, akito says, referencing a past misunderstanding. that got toya wanting to open up just a little bit, being reminded of how severely that hurt him, but the fear of not being accepted is still there.
“i really need to get this out of my chest,” toya begins, taking a deep breath. “i really like you, akito.”, the world stopped, akito realizing what he just said. the two of them forgot there were other people for a moment, focusing on each other only. “i really really like you. i thought, if i had these kinds of feelings, it would ruin us, as partners—”
is it cool that i said all that? is it too soon to do this?
“nothing’ll ruin our bond, i would never allow that.”, akito reassured, keeping his hand latched onto toya’s until now, “for the record, i ...i like you too”
oh. oh.
isn't it delicate?
how come he didn’t notice that? was toya that dense? i wonder if an noticed, so it wasn’t just me? what now, considering its mutual? should we—
“kiss. kiss. kiss kiss. kiss.”, an whisper-shouting from the background, chanting the word ‘kiss’ and waving her fists like she were waving glowsticks at a concert, watching the two figure out this mess they’ve started. “an...”, kohane would say.
“shut the fuck up, shiraishi”, an annoyed akito interrupted, receiving dramatically disappointed looks from an, followed by a chuckle.
turning into a giggle, akito swore something was gonna come out of an.
“go on, akitoooo! ask him!” an cooed from behind, kohane watching as her girlfriend’s efforts finally have the chance to succeed. toya tilted his head at akito, watching his face go from looking down, to looking over at himself. “do you, um”
“do you wanna go out with me?”, toya never thought he’d hear that, coming from akito specifically. he stood frozen in place, wondering where to go from there. “like, just a date?”, toya asked, kind of a dumb question, but spare this boy, he isn’t good with these things, having no experience. “i don’t know, man! like ...boyfriends, i guess??”, frankly akito was confused as well, not sure of what to do and only trying to remember a few of the lectures an gave. toya thought about it, even if there wasn’t much to think about. why not?, toya thought. nodding silently, giving akito his answer.
the other blushed, covering the bottom half of his face with his hand, avoiding eye contact. meanwhile, toya had a soft smile on his face, it’s been a while since he had one, especially a genuine one. “never thought you’d say yeah, not gonna lie...” akito mumbled
“FUCKING FINALLY! kohane, did you see that? i don’t have to watch any more pining between them! god, you should see them during lunch, its painfully obvi— mm!”, an interrupted, once again by akito, his hand covered her mouth so she would stop. he let her go after a bit, but an was still proud of herself for teasing akito way too much, leading to this. and she wouldn’t mention it, but she’s proud of akito as well.
viii. cuddling
akito brought toya to his for the night, “to talk about future events!, he would excuse it as. but it wasn’t like toya would decline no matter what reason it may be. it wasn’t the first time they shared a bed, but tonight feels a little different— no, very different. it feels way too different, not unnatural, but different.
could it be a few days ago? was saying ‘yes’ a terrible idea? if it really is that, i knew that was a t—
“toya, you’re spacin’ out. is there somethin’ else other than... that?”, snapped out of his thoughts, he really needs to make them stop coming at him unprovoked. toya didn’t have much to answer, letting his head shake ‘no’ instead. he wished he could say something, knowing akito, he probably isn’t fully convinced. “if you say so, ...wanna head to bed?”
“sure.”
and there they were, laying down, lights off, eyes wider than anything. usually, people would close their eyes and try to sleep, or heck, be sleepy, but it isn’t the case for any of the two. it was the loudest silence toya had ever listened to, it didn’t feel right. something in him was praying akito would say something, if he isn’t going to, then toya has to do it himself. hold on, what does he even say??
he’s always told to speak his mind more— or, well, speak in general, so should he just say the first thing he thinks of?
“do you want to cuddle?”
great choice, toya.
akito gave toya a surprised hum, not expecting that from him. he was grateful for the dark environment, or else his face would be the pinkest color toya would see.
“...sure, why not”, they both began to shift their positions to be nearer to each other. they’ve done this before, so why are they so awkward like this? akito’s arm was under toya, it’s like a hug, but you’re laying down. is this how it’s supposed to be? toya thought. brushing it off, for now. he tried closing his eyes, catching any form of sleep possible. “good night”, toya said. he couldn’t make out what took akito a little bit longer to reply, but he didn’t think much of it. “g’night”, akito replied back, finally
akito kept staring at toya, how close he is really was. literally, they were in such close proximity to each other. his eyelashes are really long, the shorter one brushed toya’s hair away from his face, showing his features better. at this point, akito just assumed toya was asleep, a normal person would’ve asked what he was doing, but toya wasn’t replying, so... oh well.
staring at his eyelashes like that, akito got reminded of toya’s eyes in general. barely any creases from all-nighters since he was forced to sleep early, the sharpness of his grey eyes, how they would shine as they performed. the beauty mark down below his left eye, even the eye smile he would get if he smiles brightly. speaking of smiling, he was really glad toya’s been smiling way more than before, he watched toya develop and grow out of his comfort zone, it was beautiful. akito watched toya let his inner child out, having been not allowed to do so while he was a kid.
he just learned how to tell when something was off with toya, but that has been not needed lately, and akito is so happy for him. back then, one of the (favorite) ways he figured toya out, was his eyes. eyes never lie, you could find out many things if you look very close, maybe that was why he grew to love any bright emotion being showed from them, it gave the pair a beauty he’s never seen.
and i’ll tell you a million little reasons why i'm falling for your eyes.
ix. kisses
it’s now morning, the two have school, obviously
toya was one to wake up first, his body clock being an early riser. he watched akito sleep for a bit, hearing his soft snores, it did give him a warm feeling inside, it was just too cute of a sight to bear.
akito woke up a little bit after, lightly groaning, toya smiling softly to himself watching akito rub his eyes open. to no one’s surprise, akito immediately started blushing seeing toya right there, inches away.
it was still quite dim outside, it being a winter morning.
the two would be getting ready for school right now, but none of them were getting up. and none of them really thought of getting up just yet.
toya thought, why not now? he’s been taking a lot of risks lately, akito would say it’s a good thing. he always wondered what kissing akito would be like, ever since his little heart decided to dedicate its love for his partner.
"may i?", toya asked, inching even closer to akito. his lips were parted, still wearing a smile, smaller than a few moments ago, but it was as adorable. the grey eyes were hazed, relaxed. akito backed away slightly, realizing what toya was about to do, thanking every god he asked first, or else ...he probably would've exploded if it came out of nowhere, and his pride would not take that lightly. still, he was kind of panicking, same old akito, really. he mumbled a ‘go’, knowing toya was waiting.
they both met in the middle, sharing a sweet kiss. it felt so long, yet so fast. their grips on each other tightened, toya lips were notably soft, akito thought. akito's was plump, dry, but still plump. that natural pout of his, so cute. toya had his hand around akito's jaw, sneaking in a few pokes of akito's bottom lip with his thumb. toya would also press his lips closer, deepening and tightening the bond they shared.
once pulled away, their eyes were both hazed until akito realized what the fuck just happened. even under the dim light, you can see how much akito turned pink, like a light dust of it was air-brushed on his face. eyes widened and hand over his cheeks, cute, toya thought. the kiss was long enough for it to linger on, hence, toya understood his reaction
“okay okay! get up! we have class!”
x. the first ‘i love you’
its been two months since they began going out; and they were figuring out when to say ‘i love you’, they knew the weight of the phase, toya was contemplating if he’d wait for a grand occasion, or just doing it on simple everyday routine
“it’l come naturally~”, an began, “even with me and kohane! don’t force it or you’re definitely gonna regret it”, great choice of words, an. well, she was just looking out for them. then again, they both asked, akito and toya, they both asked an for tips as time flied, best wingwoman ever! (but akito would scoff at that)
the day was near its end, so they wrapped it up and parted ways. an excused herself and kohane, leaving a little early to go on a shopping date or something. leaving the two to themselves. they just walked home, nothing out of the ordinary.
except, their hands kept brushing each other's.
he wanted to hold his hand, this could go for any of the two. the light touches were killing them both, each touch had their faces red, at least if they hold hands, it'll die down as they get used to the touch. toya kept trying to grab a hold of akito's hand, he wished they could walk slower, actually. he wanted it to last longer.
then akito catches it, now hand in hand. toya didn't think akito would take his hand like that, but he isn't complaining. they were just walking, walking to toya's place, but it's the most memorable walk toya's had in quite sometime.
they were nearing the gate, toya could've help but be disappointed, he wants to remember this walk, this feeling he’s had all throughout, even from the very first days he’d look at akito like his most prized possession, he wanted a remembrance of some sort.
to combat that want, he decided to give akito a little something.
they stopped by large bushes, toya faced akito, turning with his heel. looking around, making sure no one saw them or what toya was about to do.
just a quick peck, that's all. he just took akito’s cheek, cupped with one hand, inched closer then landed a peck. akito's cheek was soft, similar to the pancakes he adores so much. toya just felt a rush of warmth. love, if you wanna call it that. sometimes he’d get these, he'd always tell himself to calm down, not once did he act on it, until now.
when i think about you, i feel like i have another reason to live. but, it’s too much that i sometimes need to calm down. let’s just naturally be good partners, because i can always think too seriously about you. i’m happy because you’re here. thank you for being with me, akito.
“i love you, thanks for walking me home.”, toya snuck in, whispering in akito's ear before backing away.
“the fuck, toya? you're not dying, are you?? you're scarin’ me a lil...”, akito scolded, cheeks red from the action. please do not leave me outta no where, he wished to continue. instead, he settled for an “...i love you too, toya”
and hey, even if you were dying,
i'll love you, over and over again