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Hal hadn’t realized it at first but his and Snake's relationship was not normal, it was odd and weird. Something about their whole thing was unusual, there was nothing to pinpoint exactly what was making him feel like their status was wrong. It was just this thing at the back of his head that made him cringe about thinking about what they were. They were just colleagues, hell you can even say they were friends but nothing more than that. and maybe that’s exactly where Hal went wrong with this whole situation.
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He could see Snake in the passenger seat pulling a cigarette from his pack and putting it between his lips, not actually putting the effort to light it but more so to calm himself down. He looked tired and worn out but he was a stubborn man and for some reason was refusing to sleep. He had been driving most of the route to their stop, only choosing to switch with Hal after he had woken up from his own sleep. He didn’t really understand why he did that, they only had about four hours left until they could hit the motel. There was no point in switching with so little road ahead. He really couldn’t read Snake at all.
As they were about to hit the motel Snake spoke up “You need to loosen your grip on the wheel, it’s stressing me out. Feel like you might crash us.” Huh? oh, Hal looked down at his hands letting loose, guess he had been too carried away with his thoughts that it ended up seeping through his body. He murmured thanks and only got a hum in response. God, was this awkward.
When they got to the motel the first thing that Hal did was run to the bathroom, being in the car for so many hours he lost count was not the ideal situation for his bladder. When he got out he came face to face with Snake, they stared at each other as this weird silence fell over them. He kinda did leave him behind in the lobby to resolve the whole room payment and shit while he ran to not piss his pants. Hal really did not know how to break the silence, thankfully Snake seemed to have felt his hesitation. “I put your stuff on the other bed,” pointing with his hand where he had laid out Otacon's things. He moved towards the bed, “thank you Snake,” but by the time he had turned around Snake was gone, the sounds of the shower being turned on indicating he was in there.
Since their last interchange, they didn’t interact much even if they were sharing the same room. In a way, they just kept so heavily to themselves that they were warped too much into their thing to notice one another. The only time they seemed to invade each other's worlds was when they asked each other if they had eaten, and if they wanted to eat. Even then it was mostly Snake that was starting those convos. If he was being honest he really didn’t mind how avoidant they were of each other; it gave room to breathe and some form of privacy between them. Having to share a room with another guy you aren’t really close with and just met a tiny bit ago is real fucking awkward. Good thing that Otacon is good at blocking out the real world.
Snake had informed him a few days later that they would be staying here a while. Hal wasn’t too excited about that, waking up to the same peeling wallpaper walls without going outside was starting to make him anxious. At least he would be able to work on breaking through some systems but God the motel wifi was shitty making the whole process so much slower than needed. Maybe he would ask Snake about it, he seemed to have a lofty amount of connections. He could connect him with some good wifi guys, he snorted, the idea of Snake having a wifi plug was really ridiculous in itself but in all honesty, it wasn’t too far-fetched. Considering the circumstances he was in right now, a wifi guy was not that most out of planet thing ever, quite tame in comparison.
Hal was absolutely right about the place starting to have an effect on him. The past few nights he had been having nightmares, the anxiety was starting to seep into his brain. He would have weird fragments of his dreams be mixed with parts of childhood, strange mixtures of horrors with truths. They would recur every night to the point that he was starting to wake up in cold sweats. He was also starting to lose sleep over them, it was having an impact on his work. Snake seemed to have noticed it too, he had asked him if he was okay and all Hal responded back with was some Half assed reply about being too warm at night but that he was fine; he would just drink coffee to make up for it. Snake didn’t seem convinced with his answer but he couldn’t pry more as they weren’t close enough for that. All of the things combined were just making him feel so much worse. His anxiety got worse over lack of sleep, the nightmares even got more vivid over his anxiety, and his sleep was becoming less because of the nightmares.
His body and brain must have completely lost it at some point because after about a week of anxious-filled sleepless nights. He had one of the worst nightmares ever. His nightmare consisted of her. Hal could clearly see her and even smell her, it was the most stomach-churning thing ever. She had seen him too. Hal couldn’t stand any of it anymore. He screamed and ran away in his nightmare getting as far away as possible. He didn’t know what else to do, it was too horrid seeing her again in such vivid detail. It had been ages since the last nightmare of her was. Maybe all of his screamings were heard after all because, at some point in the middle of everything he felt as if he was getting shaken, his name being called as the sound gradually got louder. It was Snake, and as soon as he opened his eyes he saw him but he really couldn’t pay much attention as his body went into full panic. His vision blurred and he could feel as his chest was heavily trying to catch in air but it wasn’t enough, he felt like he was suffocating. Nothing seemed to get clearer either, his ears felt like they were filled with cotton as he was desperately trying to even out his breathing but it was of no use. In midst of the panic, like some sort of miracle, he felt Snake move him, sitting him in front of him and start whispering countdowns next to his ear, in an attempt to control Hal’s breathing. Otacon maybe had just about enough clarity on his mind for this as he began to somehow follow Snake's hushed words. It had taken a while but he slowly felt his breathing regain and his other senses clearing, Snake holding him through that whole process of calming him down. That was goddamn awful and perhaps it was the exhaustion from everything, or perhaps Snake's comforting hold but without realizing Hal had fallen asleep again. For the first time in what felt like forever, he was finally able to sleep peacefully.
When he woke up the next morning Snake was still in bed with him, he looked handsome…could have been because of how stuck he was in his own world that he never noticed how attractive Snake really was. He was just laying in bed, unshaven, with messy hair, and pajamas, yet he looked good. God, this world was not fair, was it? A cough stopped Otacon's train of thoughts, “Good morning,” did Hal just get caught staring? He hoped not, clearing his throat just in case his voice gives out anything “Good morning Snake.” Snake stretched his arms over his head, yawning, he really is good-looking, Otacon couldn't help but feel something about the realization the Snake is hot. It was not jealousy, it was something else but he couldn’t describe what it was. It twisted in his gut.
They somehow managed to stay in bed together without making it awkward, they weren’t talking or anything to be exact. It was more like they were bathing in each other's presence, it was honestly nice. Not really interacting with each should have made it awkward but as of right now it wasn’t. It was nice to enjoy one another's company after so long of being so kept in. The only thing that was stopping Hal from fully enjoying it was waiting for Snake to ask him what the hell happened to him yesterday night. Otacon did not forget. He had been waiting all morning for Snake to ask him but he hasn’t and doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to ask. This might have been a good thing if it wasn’t for how he feels this is the only time he will feel comfortable talking about it, any other time he might actually have a panic attack about it. Can’t have two panic attacks in an arrow, right? Sitting up from bed, “Are you going to ask about it? or…” Hal couldn’t really hold it at the end, it was just too anxiety-fueling. Snake laying on his hand just gave him this unreadable look before speaking, “I was waiting for you to talk about it at your own time, I didn’t want to add extra stress.” Huh, even after that whole fiasco of yesterday he is still so awfully nice. “That’s very thoughtful of you but I don't think I'll be ready any other time than now,” Snake hummed in understanding and signaled for him to continue. “My stepmother took advantage of me as a teen and I happened to have a nightmare of her last night,” the expression Snake was making was not something he was expecting, he could see as the gears turn in his head but after that he didn’t give him this woeful look like he thought, instead he looked angry. Not angry at him but angry at what had happened to him. “I’m sorry you had to go through that,” his tone was composed but under it, his anger could still be heard, he gave Hal a comforting squeeze on the hand. And all he could do now was squeeze Snake's hand back and muster, “I'm at a better place now,” he felt as Snake's hand cupped his face, wiping away tears from his eyes ever so tenderly. Guess he had started crying and didn’t even notice. With each wipe it made him realize that he felt weirdly better like something heavy got taken off his chest and he was light. In the mess of his crying and thoughts, Snaked pulled him into his embrace; rubbing gently on his back and whispering reassurances. They ended up just like yesterday, Snake holding through another splurge of emotions as things swept over. Somehow in the middle of his shudders did Hal get the urge that he wanted to kiss Snake for some reason.
As strange as it might sound they got closer, something about that day of Hal’s panic shifted something between them. They weren’t as awkward anymore, they weren’t two strangers who had to coexist in the same space anymore. The walking around eggshells and being careful around each other was gone, and the wall standing between them broke. It was a natural adjustment, the two of them seem to compliment each other well. Over breakfast, Hal would ramble about whatever he was into and Snake would so intently listen, never stopping him, and would even encourage him when he felt Otacon getting self-conscious. Other times Snakes would be the one to talk, he didn’t talk a lot but when he did he spoke of his time as a soldier, or some memory he connected with something. Hal felt privileged in a way to hear bits and pieces of Snake's life, he felt like he didn’t just randomly tell this to anyone. A thing that Otacon did not get was that Snake would get this soft look on his face when their interactions happen, he didn’t get what it meant. Something that sorta kinda happened was for some unknown reason they were both sleeping on the same bed now? Since the incident, Snake opted to sleep with Hal and he hadn’t protested to him doing it either. If he was honest he liked the company, it was nice to have some body heat and it made him feel less lonely. Other than that nothing else changed in their daily lives, they were just more chatty now. There was one thing though, since that day Hal hadn’t been able to stop thinking about wanting to kiss Snake. No matter what, it didn’t go away, the idea bloomed and formed a home in his head.
Snake after being out for the day had come back with a pack of beer. This was different than usual, Snake would usually bring in food but this time he had brought alcohol. Good thing they ate earlier that day. They sat on the floor backs pressed against Hal’s bed, they talked about random stuff, nothing serious to note. It was more so to fill in the silence as they each took gulps of their drinks. It did in a way help set the mood to something relaxing. “Why did you get beer?” Hal had asked, playing around with the neck of the bottle. Snake slowly pulled away from his drink, as he was thinking through his answer “Don’t know, just felt like it.” That confused Otacon, what he had learned from Snake so far was that he did a lot of stuff just because he felt like it, no other reason. Everything was just an impulse. His face must have given away his thoughts because Snake looked at him with crinkled eyes, he couldn’t decipher what his expression meant. One thing for sure was that Snake's gaze was strong and it was making Otacon want to squirm, his body felt warm; alcohol must have finally hit. He stared back at Snake maybe in the hopes that it would make it easier to read what his face was trying to say. Though his mind soon lost focus, he didn’t know how long it had been but he wasn’t looking at his eyes anymore but rather at his lips. God, fuck his lips looked real fucking appetizing, Hal wanted to kiss them so bad right now.
“Why don’t you?” That mere sentence stopped everything that was going through his mind right now. Did he hear right? what the fuck, that can’t be. He swallowed his shock and said, “Excuse me what?” Snake puffed out a breath, repeating more clearly “I said why don’t you kiss me?” Holy fuck!? Fucking Otacon said everything he was thinking out loud, he had been too focused on Snake's lips that he didn’t realize he had been speaking aloud. Hal just froze in place as his body got warmer, embarrassed he got caught. What was he supposed to do now? Push through it seems. The beer was starting to hit because it took him less than ten seconds to make up his mind. He did mean that stuff from earlier and Snake didn’t seem opposed, quite the opposite of that. The little beer in his system was starting to make him brave. “I didn't think it was an option before, do you want me to kiss you?” Hal didn’t even get to submerged with regret before Snake had already answered. An enthusiastic yes, I was told by Snake. He didn’t waste time either, abandoning his bottle to opt to move closer to Otacon. He didn’t honestly think this through, was he just supposed to kiss him now? Humiliating. Hal also moved closer to Snake, they were close enough where they could hear each other breathing. He didn’t know what exactly to do but he went to cup Snake's face, Snake leaned into his touch, inching him closer. Faces a breath away from one another, Snake was so unbelievably handsome. Seeing him so close in detail made his stomach swim in butterflies and body blush, he really couldn’t hold it anymore with such an immense amount of emotions going through him, he connected their lips.
The kiss was sloppy at first, Snake was eagerly trying to catch his lips while he was trying to find a rhythm. It was cute how excited he was about a simple kiss. It took a second but they finally found a slow movement they could explore with. Snake lips were soft and silky, they felt good against his own. They were a nice contrast with his rough appearance, a pleasant surprise. He could feel Snake's breath hitch as he went to deepen the kiss, his stubble rubbing against his face, probably leaving beard burn behind but he didn’t mind. Hal licked ever so little against Snake's lips, experimenting to see if he would like that. Moments later Snake parted his lips slightly with a noise, he pressed his tongue inside. He tasted of the cheap beer they were drinking before and cigarettes but it didn’t matter, as God did he feel good. Snakes warm consumed him as he continued to lean into him. It was addicting in such a great way. it seemed that it was doing the same for Snake as he started gripping onto his arms and grunting very quietly. That kiss continued in a similar manner, and Snake melted under Hal’s touch. They had to break up for air, both of them panting hard to let air in.
Snake really had no shame because a few beats later he said, “That was a good kiss, we should do that more often.” To say Hal was stunned was an understatement but he really didn’t know how to react to that. They just had just made out and Snake acted like it was the most normal thing ever? He just ended up saying “Yeah, we should,” and began picking up the bottles on the floor, ignoring the way his heart fluttered at the idea of kissing again. Snake must have taken it as his cue to leave because he soon turned around and headed straight to the bathroom. After he had thrown away the bottles, Otacon screamed into his pillow, he couldn’t tell if the scream was happiness or anxiety. He couldn’t tell the difference when it came to Snake. What the fuck just happened? whatever the fuck happen had happened and there was nothing he could do about it now. He might as well sleep it off before he has some sort of breakdown over it.
At some point in the midst of his sleep, he felt Snake slip into bed with him. The difference now was that it felt weirdly much more intimate than before and for some reason, Snake had clasped their fingers together as he held him. He never held him in his sleep since that night, he would usually leave a small gap between them as they slept. This whole thing twisted inside him. He really didn’t know what to feel. This odd feeling just overcame him. He was too tired to dig in it –or maybe he was trying to ignore it– but before he knew it he had dozed off to sleep again.
Something was definitely fucking different, their relationship fell very intimate now. It took a very different approach now. He would catch Snake playing with his hair when he thought Hal was still asleep, twirling the parts where it could curl slightly. On days that Snake had to wake up earlier, he would leave food for Hal ready to eat and notes that would say something sweet on them like I hope you slept well, or good morning, just for you. Other times when Hal was working on his laptop Snake would just sit along with him, not saying anything but just there for company. He looked at him with this fond look as if Hal was something precious. All the attention that Hal was getting made him flustered and his heart would skip in beats from it all. The biggest thing of it all was the change in skinship, before any of this Snake would never touch him at all; he would always be at distance from him even if they had gotten closer at that point. Now it was very different, Snake would hold his hand while doing work, or when they got the chance to eat together. Some days they would lay in bed in each other’s arms soaking in the moments of fragility. While at it if he felt bold he would kiss his cheek and what was a mere innocent peck would turn into kissing sessions. The thing that scared Hal the most about this was that he enjoyed every second of it and how he wanted it to continue.
It freaked Hal out how much he was adoring every Snake being sweet to him. How he would miss Snake when he was gone, longing to be by him. They weren’t lovers, they shouldn’t be doing any of this. It was wrong to do so, they were merely friends. Maybe it was because they were two grown horny men that were just using each other to satisfy desire, that could be it. men don’t act as they do, they don’t hold each other and make out in the bed, that’s imprinted as theirs now. There was no reasonable explanation for them to be acting like a couple at all. Hal should probably stop allowing all of this, it seems that it was confusing both of them. Tender things like this should be done with someone who you are in love with, not a friend. As much as Hal was trying to deny everything around him, he couldn’t turn a blind eye to it for long. His and Snake's relationship had taken a turn in the direction of intimacy. It wasn’t as simple anymore, they weren’t just colleagues, or friends at this point. They were something much more, it was like they were unconfirmed lovers. Hal hated to admit it but he thinks he has fallen in love with Snake and wishes they were actual lovers. When and how did their relationship shift so much.
Snake and he lay in bed. Hal simmered in his newfound discovery, as cliche it may sound it made him happy. He felt like a teenage girl that just got asked out by her crush. It was stupid how a single person was making him feel all these good emotions. It had taken him almost no time to come to terms with his feelings, something about Snake made him feel okay. like they had a fighting chance of making it work. He hadn’t discussed any of this with Snake but with the things they have been doing the past few days, he had a feeling that he felt the same way for him. Okay, maybe Snakes' feelings were more ‘like’ instead of ‘love’ like Hal’s, but it was okay, they still could work. He must have been smiling like a stupid idiot because Snake asked him “What’s got you so smiley,” Snake's finger traced his cheekbone, and he hummed against his touch. “You,” Snake's touch faltered, for the first time ever did he see him so shocked. He looked like a deer in the headlights, and if he looked close enough he swore he could see a rosy color adorning his face. He must have liked that because seconds later he was taking Hal's face and linking their lips together. No matter how many times they kissed he was always excited, this time though, he was a little different. It was delicate and sweet. They kissed until it got dark outside.
That day that Hal was going to talk to Snake about his feelings they got into a fight. He honestly doesn’t even remember how it went, all he can recall was the Snake had come back from being outside and that he smelled strongly of cigarettes. when he came in that door slammed behind him, like he was mad about something. Scanning the room he locked eyes with Hal, he was about to ask him if he was okay when “This fucking room is so filthy,” his voice ranged angrily and continued, “why haven’t you cleaned up?” What the actual fuck? Looking around he was right, the room was a gross mess but it’s not like he created the mess alone. It irked him off for some reason, “Are you serious? You contributed to this mess too.” Snake gave him an unimpressed look, he didn’t want Hal to answer back. “You spend all day here and Igo out,” his words were clipped, it was getting on Hal’s nerves. “We spend most days lying in bed together. What the fuck you mean you’re always out?” did he think that shitty excuse was going to let him off the hook? He was being stupid. That seemed to silence Snake, he was now more so reeling in his anger. Had he come to pick a fight with him or something? He really didn’t get it. When Hal thought that ordeal was over with, Snake threw cheap shots about having to take care of Hal and not being able to do shit. And that fucking stung, something in him shattered. Was Snake viewing him as a burden, he didn’t notice he had to be taken care of. It hurt man. That whole thing ensued into a screaming match between them, shit was said. It led to Snake going back outside and Hal crying in bed. Thinking about it, the whole thing was a stupid fucking fight. Snake was obviously agitated before he came in with the body language he was letting off and somehow picking a fight with Hal was the way he was going to let his feelings out. That night in what felt like in ages, they both slept in different beds. It felt like they had just broken up without even dating. he didn't notice how accustomed he had grown to Snake's body because the bed felt weird now, too big for one person. It was needless to say that Hal did not sleep well that night.
It was like they were back to square one. They were avoiding each other all over, pretending they did not exist. The room felt stuffy with tension and awkwardness, it was uncomfortable to be in it. And maybe that’s why Snake wasn’t as much in the room anymore, he would wake up early and come back late. It was bad, Hal wouldn’t even get glimpses of him at all for days in an arrow, he had at some point even though that Snake had left and abandoned him there. He knew he hadn’t up and left yet because he would see evidence of the room being disturbed after waking up. Snake for some reason still left food for Hal to eat but there weren't any sweet notes anymore, it kinda stung at first but after a while, it had become a dull ache. it was one of the many things that were making Otacon feel hurt, that thing they had created was great and now there was no evidence of it ever existing anymore. It was cruel to feel how much Hal missed Snake, how much he wanted to be wrapped around his embrace as they slept. Sleeping had become a stressful thing again, he couldn’t for the life of him stay fully asleep throughout the night. He hated how used to Snake he was that now normal functions were no longer being able to be done unless Snake was with him in some sort of way. Work was a pain in the ass, he couldn’t focus at all, and simple things to break through were now taking hours instead of minutes, all because his brain wanted Snake. The most agonizing about this all was that Snake did not seem to be affected much by it, Hal felt like such a loser being the one that was dreadfully aching for whatever they had before.
Neither of them made the effort to apologize to one another, maybe because of pride, or maybe because of something else.
It had been a few quiet days since the incident when Snake dropped the news that they would be leaving tomorrow. It didn’t land well, these were the first words Snake had directed towards Hal since then, it was annoying. They were just to inform him but he expected the first since the fight to be something else. Weren’t they going to talk about this whole situation at least? Are they going to pretend tomorrow that nothing of this existed at all? Hal couldn’t phantom with that, he needed some sort of closure to their relationship.
“Snake we need to talk about us,” Hal's voice was clipped and something about it made Snake come back from where he was getting ready to leave again. Snake moved to be in front of him, he looked composed but Hal could tell he wasn’t true. “What is there to talk about,” Is he really going to play dumb right now? what isn’t there to fucking talk about? Grinding his teeth he took a deep breath “Don’t play those stupid games with me. We both know that our relationship is not ordinary,” he hated saying it like that, like it was a sort of abnormality, a bad one. “I don’t think we should, I think it’s fine leaving it like this,” Snake just shifted, he couldn’t stand to be still. Hal wanted to punch him right there, why is he avoiding this so badly, they could have a fighting chance. “I can’t do that. It’s too intimate to forget, you know Snake I-“ before he could even finish his sentence Snake had stopped him. ”Don’t, I know that you love me and that’s exactly why I think we should forget it.” Hal felt like he got splashed with cold water, he knew this whole time and didn’t say anything. it was like something got ripped away from him.
“Are you fucking kidding me Snake!? Why didn’t you say something?” he looked at Snake and he just wore this facial expression of shame. What the fuck was that supposed to mean. “Because I don't know how I feel about you. I can’t date you, I’d known for a while,” Hal couldn’t help but cry, something about that just broke something in him. “Does that mean that whatever we were doing was just some sort of fun experiment for you? You knew yet you continued? What was the purpose of that,” Snake didn’t dare to look at him, his face gave away his guilt. “Honestly I don’t know, I cannot explain why I did it and why I continued. Before I realized it was too late, we were in too deep already,” he took a deep breath in and continued, “I liked it but I also knew it would never work and I thought that would be okay, nothing would develop. Then I saw your face one day, you looked so happy and I just knew you were in love with me, so I decided to indulge in it.” God fucking dammit, Hal was fucking played so hard, he can only really blame himself for this. For thinking that Snake even felt the same and building delusions about it. If this is how it’s going to end, he wants to be held one more and just feel appreciated even if he knows it’s all fake. “Snake, just hold me,” Snake didn’t question it, he did as he was told.
Hal didn’t get the closure he wanted at all, it’s not like it matters anymore at this point. It was too late for regrets. Snake gave him the grace to hold him and kiss him that day, giving him a last chance to cling to whatever.
Later that day, they packed everything up and loaded it into the car.
It broke Hal to think that the thing that they had would never go beyond the walls of this room. Everything they had will soon be buried like it was a shameful secret that was never meant to be discovered at all. He knew none of it was really sincere but it still hurt. It was cruel to think that his first-ever love would become his last love at the same time, it was an idiotic idea to think that Snake ever loved him the way he did. It shouldn’t have been so painful but in reality, it truly was. It burned that inside of his body were days prior it was filled with tender butterflies of hopes. He couldn’t help it as he cried seeing the door close behind them, signaling the end. The motel grew smaller and smaller as the car picked up speed, looking at it Hal so desperately wanted to grab it and go back to rosy days. Their relationship will never be the same after this. Snake was rigid, driving with a stoic face like their whole thing had been forgotten already. He wished he could hold his hand and lean in for support but that was no more, they had already left their facade behind.
So much for love blooming on the battlefield.