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On the night Lena chose to reconnect with her late mother, you felt cold within. You felt the momentary absence of the loving bond you were sure you're rebuilding with your best friend. You were scared of the silence that followed and it stirred your soul enough to admit to Alex, "I don't want to be alone anymore."
Lena was in your ear as you completed tasks and missions that day. She hadn't spoken much - she never really does. But after all that time you've spent away from each other, it felt like you had a silent agreement with her to check and see how you can make up for all the times you've missed each other. You've heard in increments what she's done to get you back, so the hum in your ear was enough reassurance to know she's right there looking out and waiting for you.
You remember you love her and you can’t bring yourself to feel guilty about keeping that secret.
But that was before you knew she'd be gone for days. That was before you realize you couldn't bear the longing you feel for her for just the duration of a call, so you hold your breath.
It’s not like you forgot. It’s just that with everything that happened, you didn’t have the time to catch up to pour out all the affection you have for her.
You try to quiet your thoughts. You try to find time to catch up with everybody. But all you could focus on is how Lena became so familiar with everybody else.
Alex mentioned a time when she and Lena were drinking scotch on the balcony. She recounted how adorable Lena was showing off her Proto-Trap and how offended she was Brainy called it like something from Ghostbusters.
You can only imagine Lena in that situation. Your best friend is many things, but familiarity with pop culture and other ~common people things~ is not one of them. Sometimes it's almost as if Lena is the alien in your relationship. She's just so awkward and stiff and inept about human concepts. And you'd call it all funny if they weren't all wrapped in sadness.
You try not to think about how suffocated Lena must feel growing up, too afraid of disappointing the people she loves that she forgets to even be kind to herself. You know she still does up to this day. In a lot of ways, everyone she’s ever met is the worst.
Instead, you think back on the ache she soothed when she approached to hug you during your welcome home party. You always loved it when Lena initiates contact because everything she does always feels genuine and warm. Her arms around you that day felt like a balm on your internal wounds; like she's putting you back together again after a long time of feeling detached, unhinged. It's a wondrous feeling not unlike the sun lamps restoring your powers from a solar flare.
*ding*
The elevator chimes to life, taking you out of your reverie. Your deep thought must’ve distracted you from hearing her heartbeat before.
“Lena, you’re back!” and she can only nod as you excitedly hold her close to you. You didn’t say, but you feel relieved and content having her inside your arms. It feels like you can finally exhale. You can start again. She’s here now. That’s enough for me.
It’s been a crazy day. It’s hard to go toe-to-toe with Nyxly and her magic, but through it all you’re glad Lena was right beside you every step of the way.
Lena’s return was dampened by the fact that she’s slightly withdrawn. There were moments when you could tell she’s occupied by something else. There’s a thought or concern she’s yet to voice out. It worries you a little.
But you could swear there are also moments when it feels like you’re too in sync to not be gravitating towards each other. There's an incomprehensible amount of love, adoration, and fondness in her eyes that you hope means more than rekindling friendship. You can’t help but hope she also feels the inevitability of the two of you drawing closer together.
The day is winding down and almost everyone’s left after concluding the mission. She steps out of the tower and you chase after her. The air is cool and the stars in the sky look more vibrant tonight than the days when she’s not here.
“Hey, care for some company on your walk home?”
Lena stills and looks back at you, introspective. She gives you a small smile and that’s all you need to fall into step with her.
You take a moment to really look at Lena. Her porcelain skin, her perfect eyebrows, cheekbones and jawline makes her seem like she’s carved in marble. They all make her feel untouchable. Inhuman in the way she’s exquisite and immaculate.
But her eyes, they’re deep wells of humanity - of heartbreak and fragility. You want to avoid looking too closely because you’re afraid you'll find you’re the cause of her pain. That’s a sore spot you’d rather not prod at right now. Still you wonder what happened while she’s away that diminished her spark?
Lena turns a bit to you, “What are you looking at?” she asks with a hint of her dimples showing up.
“I’m just thinking, I’ve missed you so much, Lena,” you say honestly. “And seriously, you’ve barely said anything about your trip to Newfoundland. What happened over there?”
She sighs. “I guess I’m still grieving,” she says. And before you can ask what she means, she adds, “My mom, my being here, the Luthors… I’m trying to make sense of it all but I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
You hold your breath again. This is supposed to be your new beginning with Lena. She can’t give up without trying. Suddenly, you can’t look at her anymore. You can’t leave.
You try to find the words, but you can’t articulate your thoughts.
You swallow your fears.
“You…L–leave?” it comes out as a ragged question. Please don’t leave me. “I–I…”
“Kara,” Lena’s quick to turn to you completely to stop you from spiraling. She touches your arms and squeezes your biceps. “Kara, I know you’re going through some things too and I’m sorry I left without giving us a chance to talk, but I promise you I’m here now and I’m not leaving you,” she guides the both of you to take a seat at a nearby bench. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you like that,” she adds.
But she did scare you. The thought of her leaving you scares you so, so much.
You both sit there in silence, watching the people of National City amble away to their lives oblivious to your thoughts speeding a mile a minute. Lena stares at nothing, gaze clouding. Distant. She wets her lips, “I found out my mum’s a witch,” she says to no one in particular.
You tilt your head to the side and pout your lips. I definitely didn’t expect that.
“Seriously?” you say lighting up.
“Uh-yeah,” Lena sighs. “My mum’s friend, she said I had… I had my mum's abilities too,” she says faintly, like she doesn't have the energy to comprehend what she’s saying. “It’s just, if that’s true even when I was younger, then how come these abilities weren’t enough to save her? How come I still didn’t do anything?” her voice was clearly frustrated. She stands up to take a few steps away from you.
She’s taking a huge gulp of air to stay calm. She's having trouble accepting herself, so she pulls away and all you want to do is tug her back to you.
"You've got such a loving, helping heart, Lena. One that used to trust too much. Why do you insist on breaking it like this?" you say walking closer to her. “Your mother’s death is not your fault. And even with powers, you can’t save everyone,” you say with so much conviction even though you don’t know if you believe that statement yourself.
“I just… I love my mum, Kara, and I still wasn’t enough to save her. I don’t want it to happen again with you. I can’t just watch you fade or struggle like that. Not when I can do something,” she says as you gather her in your arms.
You hold her tight and promise the universe never to make her feel powerless at any situation again.
“I’m with you, Lena. We’re stronger together,” you whisper in her ear as you hold her tighter. You wish you could do something more to ease her hurt and the burden she’s carrying within.
“Please, Kara. I came back because I know I can do something to protect you. I just need time to reconcile everything. Please be patient with me. I’ll learn the magic and I’ll be able to help with Nyxly,” she says, burying her face to the curve of your neck.
You can only hold her as you try to console her and think,
Please, Lena, let me love you anyway.