Chapter Text
Lately I don't like how my face is too pale.
Lately I don't like my hair this short, I don't like how I bite my nails and all this stuff I do since God knows when.
Then I got close again to what I needed to look like I really wanted to look like.
I remember the last time I saw you, that fall's evening my high heels made a cute and rhythmic sound on the concrete.
We tried for years to continue with our respective marriages, but we were never happy, things just weren't working out.
Autumn leaves fell graciously over your jacket, I held you and the scent of leather got all over my fake hair.
Those stilettos were killing me, I remember and you had to carry me to that place we used to go, a place for me and you.
Inside, everything seemed a part of you, cluttered and dusty, gray but with some color, it was just like you, like your eyes and your smile.
You lay me in bed, looking carefully to each inch of my body.
"Take off your ring" I whispered "I don't want them to think I'm a bad woman"
A faint laughter blossomed from your throat and the golden ring slid from your finger to the little nightstand, layer by layer you also took off the remains of something I'm not, just to show who I really am, you found Frank and kissed him as something tender and pure must be kissed, you kissed me until your lips needed more than just a kiss. I remember how your eyes were glowing and the taste of tobacco on your lips, I remember your hands in every part of my body.
"Are you awake Gerard?" I asked with my eyes shut. But you didn't answer. A horrid vision of your eternal dream flooded my mind and I couldn't help but cry. At that moment your eyes opened and with one of those smiles you took me again and again until we finally fell asleep once more.
At dawn I didn't feel your warmth by my side, a blizzard started its way to the end of our fall.
"Frankie, I got a message, Bandit is sick and Lindsey is away, I'll call you when I get home, I love you. G."
And that was your last message, a post it on the bathroom mirror.
I took a long rest in the bathtub, it was the first time I used it alone, first and last.
After a while you told me about that fight you had with her and how she couldn’t keep you, you were getting divorced.The memory of your voice and how happy we were still tickles my brain with some of that love.
One night, it was your voice again, your name on the screen made my heart skip a beat but then with a tortuous sudden, I became the saddest person on earth. Her bullets broke inside your chest, and your last words were fading inside my ear, it was your last goodbye.
“I’ll hide my face and continue with my life… I don’t want them to say I’m a sad woman”
My high heels made a rhythmic sound again, shoes that you bought for me and a red rose over your grave, I wanted to forget you because there was always someone waiting for you at home, my life whitered too, just at a slower pace than yours, I turned back to be what everyone wanted from me, that one I always hated to be, my wife and kids were a constant reminder of that person I’m not but the walls of my office turned into a temple of you, of a couple walking in the middle of autumn laughing about silly things that today mean the world.
My head filled up with memories of your warm hands heating up mine, your smile and how we fitted everywhere, without wanting to avoid curious stares or angry words people used to scream at us.
Spring is dying now, summer is right around the corner and not long ago it was your birthday, today my eyeliner runs across my cheeks and the fake heat the sun is giving, my lipstick is upside down and it wasn’t because your lips messed up with mine, I’ve cried enough for a lifetime.
I begged you, I cried for you to come and take me with you.
“Love, I want to hold you…” I pull the wig from my head and the red dress, my hand hits my face messing up my already messed up makeup, something bubbles violently in my chest and it makes me pull my hair and just lay, on the ashes of something that burnt too bright.
“I want to hold you!” I scream and try to break the floor with my fists to the point where I feel that if I don’t stop my hands would break but I couldn’t care less, I really don’t care because if I wait, if I contain myself a little, I can still hear you sing.
But then time passes and the fury of your promises come back, like an old painting, wind comes back and blizzards too, my frozen tears and you over there so distant with that smile you make me stand and you hold me close and hard while I put on my high heels.
“I always want them to say that you are a joyful woman”
Until then and from now on, I’ll walk the streets with your leather jacket on, making that rhythmic sound, and then, when the moment comes it will be me holding you and nothing will tear us apart, never.