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I (Day 22)
In hindsight, Fatin thinks she should’ve known Leah was going to do something stupid like run into the water and try to swim until rescued. She really should’ve known. And then she should’ve done something about it.
She can’t help but blame herself for how things are, Leah laying in her lap, knocked out cold from the meds they – she – gave her after almost drowning. Fatin looks down at Leah. Sleeping like this, she looks almost peaceful. It’s probably the most peaceful Fatin has seen her in days.
She replays the day in her head. Over and over again. Wondering what she could’ve done. How she could’ve handled things differently.
Fatin sees Leah sitting in the sand, not far from their camp. She can practically hear the gears turning in Leah’s head even from afar. Leah has been in a downwards spiral for a while now and Fatin doesn’t really know how to stop her. She slowly makes her way over and tries to lighten Leah’s mood with a snarky comment about over-tweezed eyebrows. It goes right over Leah’s head and doesn’t have the intended effect of lightening the mood. Instead, Leah doesn’t even acknowledge her and continues to pick at her brow, starring into the endlessness of the sky.
Fatin tries a different approach then, directly asking Leah about her mental wellbeing.
And then she blows it. She knows she does as soon as the sentence is out of her mouth. And she beats herself up about this all day.
At first, she had been proud of herself for getting Leah to stop picking at her eyebrow mid-conversation. It felt like one of those small accomplishments that no one really talks about but you always hope someone else sees as well.
And then Leah trusts her with the goldfish-story from her childhood and basically shows her how her mind works. She’s already been the only one Leah had let in on her suspicions before confronting Shelby the other day. But this is a new level of trust that Leah puts in her right there.
While talking, Leah’s voice breaks like it always does when she’s crying or close to crying and Fatin gets an intense urge to hug Leah and never let her go. Just wrap her up and protect her from everything around them and her own mind. She doesn’t think it’s healthy for Leah to keep getting deeper and deeper into her head. To let herself obsess and spiral like that.
She wants to let Leah know that she understands where she is coming from. Because she truly does, she’s gotten to know Leah well enough by now to know that her initial thought is usually right but that she then often takes it into the wrong direction or too far – just like she had done with Shelby the other day. She was right that Shelby was hiding something, she just didn’t know when to stop and went into the wrong direction with her accusations.
So Fatin wants to show Leah that she’s not wrong to question things but that it’s also not healthy to just run with it like she is doing.
But she blows it. She isn’t as good with words as Nora or Leah are. And she isn’t practical in her approach as Dot might be in a situation like this. She says all the wrong words. And as if she didn’t know that herself the look on Leah’s face makes it very clear.
Leah hadn’t looked at her with such resentment in days and Fatin never wanted Leah to look at her like that ever again. She hates that she caused that all by herself this time.
She doesn’t really try to stop Leah from storming off. And that’s probably the second big mistake she makes right after saying the wrong thing.
Fatin stays put, mostly frustrated with herself. But Leah sits down just a little further down the beach. So Fatin feels like she can keep an eye on her from her spot and maybe try to talk to her again later on. When Leah has cooled down a little and when Fatin’s had the time to sort out what she wants to say in her head, to actually get her point across for once.
She doesn’t get the chance to talk to Leah later. Surprisingly, Dot does most of the talking between the three of them when Leah first paces in front of them and then actually sits down for about a second.
Fatin also doesn’t react as fast as Dot when Leah gets up again and starts talking about the water. She’s exhausted at this point and for once doesn’t fully understand what Leah is getting at. She only truly understands what Leah is doing when it’s already too late.
When Dot has let go of her. When Leah is knee-deep into the water. When Leah is seemingly miles away from her.
Fatin helplessly watches Leah swim away from her. She doesn’t remember ever shouting this much in her life. She shouts for Leah. But she also shouts for her own hopes. Her hopes of getting rescued. Her hopes of ever getting back to her life. Her hopes of having a life. And her hopes of having Leah in her life.
Fatin only stops shouting when Rachel has Leah almost back at the beach. They help her out of the water, leaving Nora to take care of her sister. As soon as they lie down, not even able to breathe properly again, Leah wants to go back into the water again, forcing them to medicate her.
And Fatin hates it.
She hates it with her whole heart that they have to drug Leah to essentially keep her in control. She understands the reasoning of course and she is the one to actually give Leah the pills but she feels like crap about it. That it has gotten this far.
She forgets that the others around them when she talks Leah down and then cradles her in her arms.
Leah’s usually bright blue eyes don’t look straight into her soul when she looks up at her. They seem dull and tired, like Leah has lost all hope.
Fatin sees tears on Leah’s face and it takes her a second too long to recognize that those are her own. For the first time since right after crashing on the island, she cries. For three weeks, their lives have been consumed by surviving and nothing else. And now it seems to her that they can’t do it anymore. She holds back a sob but can feel it shaking through her body.
“You need to stop blaming yourself.” Dot’s voice interrupts her train of thoughts.
Fatin tries to rid her face of the tears but judging by the look on Dot’s face she doesn’t do a very good job.
“Don’t looks at me like that.”
“Like what?” Dot sits down next to her and raises an eyebrow. The look in her eyes is so understanding and open that Fatin almost bursts into tears again just from getting looked at like that.
“Like you pity me or some shit.” She furiously wipes at her eyes with the hand that is not occupied by holding onto Leah.
“I don’t pity you. I fucking hate pity.” Dot shrugs and looks ahead of them at the water. She doesn’t ask Fatin anything, she just sits there, content with the silence.
Fatin can faintly hear Nora and Rachel talking behind them but other than that and the sound the waves make it’s silent. It feels almost peaceful if she wouldn’t feel the weight of Leah on her lap, reminding her constantly of what happened.
“She asked for her mom, Dot.” Fatin eventually whispers. “Before I gave her the pills. She cried and asked for her mom.”
“I know, I heard.”
“Fuck. I– I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know what to say.” She looks at Dot. “How do I make this better for her? How do I stop her from hurting?”
She doesn’t say “herself” but the word hangs between them, unspoken but understood.
“I don’t know, man. Like I said earlier, it’s a mental game now. And Leah is close to losing that game.” Dot sighs. “Just be there I think. She trusts you. Listen to her and talk to her, take her seriously but stop her from spiraling.”
“We saw how well that worked today.” Fatin spits bitterly.
“Dude, you seriously need to stop this blaming thing. It’s not a good look on you.”
“How? If I would've said something different or reacted faster or didn’t let her go she wouldn’t have run into the fucking ocean! She wouldn’t lie in my lap all drugged up. Drugged by me by the way!“ She takes a deep breath to calm herself.
„She would probably go on and on about where the fuck the other three are right now, making us all want to scream but at least she would be physically fine!”
Leah grumbles a little in her lap, her sleep presumably getting disrupted by Fatin agitatedly gesturing and talking. Fatin immediately shushes her and starts to stroke her hair, hoping it’ll calm the other girl down.
“I’m sure you can figure something out.” Dot shrugs, not helping at all. “But for now, we need to get the two of you closer to the fire for the night okay? Let me help you with her.”
They let Leah have the airplane seat as a pillow for the night, all of them silently agreeing that she needs to rest the most.
Fatin settles in behind her, not even trying to pretend to the other girls that she doesn’t want – need – to be close to Leah right now. Rachel raises an eyebrow but then only nods when Fatin throws her a challenging look, daring her to say something.
She cuddles into Leah’s back, seeking the warmth she provides and the feeling of safety that always overcomes her in Leah’s presence. She places one arm over Leah’s waist, holding onto her. The fear of losing the other girl is at the forefront of her mind, occupying her all night.
Fatin spends a lot of the time just listening to Leah’s breathing. It keeps her calm, keeps her own mind from spinning with worry. After a couple of hours of sleeping, Leah turns in her sleep. Now laying on her back, Fatin can cuddle into her even better than before, curling her own body around Leah’s and resting her head in the crook of her neck.
She doesn’t dare to try to sleep. She worries that if she closes her eyes, Leah will just disappear.
II (Day 30)
It’s Toni who spots Leah first.
They had left Shelby at their new camp so someone would be there if Leah got back on her own, with Rachel still at the beach. Fatin and the three remaining girls make their way through the area around their new camp in search for Leah. Since Leah had caused Rachel to break down earlier that day, no one had seen her. She had left them at the beach and hadn’t gotten back yet.
Martha guessed that Leah had probably just gotten lost on her way to camp since they don’t know their way around their new spot yet. They had all agreed that she was probably right but they couldn’t just let it go and decided to look for her anyway. If only to show her the way back.
Fatin hadn’t shared her thoughts about Leah probably still looking for the fucking pit, not at all lost. She knew Leah couldn’t – or wouldn’t – let it go. She would work herself to the bone by trying to find any evidence, Fatin knew that much.
So they make their way through the woods, further and further away from camp and then it’s Toni who spots Leah first.
She’s sitting against a tree off to their right. A pill bottle laying next to her on the ground.
Dot immediately springs into action, as always somehow just knowing what to do. At a later point Fatin will ask herself what they would’ve done on the island without her, how long they would’ve survived.
Toni is hot on Dot’s heels to help her with Leah.
And Fatin? Fatin freezes. Again. Just like when Leah ran into the ocean, she doesn’t react fast enough or at all.
She sees Leah, resting against the tree, still. Peaceful. She looks like they shouldn’t disturb her, like she needs a nap. Fatin can see the streaks her tears must’ve left on her cheeks. They seem to shine in the moonlight in stark contrast to the otherwise dirty skin of Leah’s face. She hears a ringing but can’t place where a ringing sound would come from in the middle of nowhere on a deserted island.
She watches as Dot brings Leah into a sideways position with Toni’s help.
She watches as Martha makes Leah gag.
She watches as Leah throws up.
She watches as Martha scoots back from the vomit that’s now in front of them on the ground.
She watches as Dot- she realizes that Dot looks at her expectantly.
Fatin can see her moving her mouth but for some reason she doesn’t catch what the other girl is saying, she still only hears the ringing. She tries to decipher what Dot wants her to do, she gets more and more agitated the longer Fatin just stares at her. She still doesn’t move. Her feet rooted to the spot, ringing in her ears.
“I’ll fucking kill you.“
Her own words play in her head over and over again. She had threatened to kill Leah. And then Leah went and swallowed the damn pills. It's a little ironic how Leah had used the same pills now that they had to use on her after she ran into the ocean.
“I’ll fucking kill you.”
Fatin takes a trembling breath and shakes her head, trying to get rid of the unwelcome memory. She was only trying to protect Rachel who was in no shape for an interrogation by Leah. But what good had that done? Her threat had clearly pushed Leah over the edge. And after that confrontation she had just let Leah walk off alone into the woods. With no care for the other girl’s wellbeing even though she knew very well that it wasn’t only Rachel who was close to breaking down. She had failed her just like she had when she let her run into the ocean.
Fatin stares into the fire in front of her. The other girls are sleeping, probably exhausted from all that’s happened earlier, just Leah is awake with her. Or at least Leah’s eyes are open, she’s not sure how awake Leah really is. Right now she’s just looking at the fire with a blank expression on her face.
She doesn’t know what she had been thinking. She knew Leah wasn’t very stable and she still was the one to push her over the fucking edge, to make her feel so abandoned that she swallowed those pills.
Looking at the girl on the other side of the fire, Fatin wonders if Leah would let her be close right now. Then again, Leah doesn’t seem like she would register a whole lot so maybe she could risk to go over. Just to ground herself a little, to feel her presence, to know that she is still there. She feels selfish to seek comfort from the person who she had failed to provide the same obviously needed comfort just hours ago.
Dot makes a schedule for them with shifts for watching Leah. It’s hard to watch her. She doesn’t move, she doesn’t eat, she doesn’t sleep. She just lays on her bed on the side, staring at nothing. They try to talk to her. They all take different approaches to get through to Leah, some are very gentle, Toni just makes a few jokes. Dot even tries to get Leah to come with her to get water. Nothing works. Most of the time she doesn’t even acknowledge them. Sometimes her gaze shifts a little and it almost feels like she does hear whoever is talking to her in that moment but in the end she doesn’t give them any indication that anything registers with her.
The longer this goes on, the more unnerving it gets. Fatin can see that it has them all on edge, everyone walks on egg-shells around Leah, never sure if they should try again with her or not. It gets old and frustrating after about two days. First, she watches Leah like a hawk and the others let her. She sits on Leah’s bed or on the ground right next to it, wanting to be close. She still does her chores for the group but Dot had put her on fire duty and Leah-watch for most of the time so she can stay close to her. She talks to Leah in a hushed voice about anything and everything just to get a reaction out of her. Fatin even resorts to sleeping next to Leah on her bed at first, not wanting to leave the other girl. Because maybe something, anything would get a reaction out of her and what if Fatin wasn’t close then?
Fatin replays their confrontation at the beach in her head over and over again, wishing that she could take back some things or could at least rephrase some of her words. At some point during the second day of Leah’s catatonic state she tells her as much but it doesn’t get a reaction either.
Being near Leah gets increasingly frustrating for Fatin. She doesn’t know what else she could do to get Leah to talk to her, nothing seems to matter to her. It dawns on her then that it doesn’t seem to matter to Leah what she’s doing to the group with her behavior, that she took all of their benzos with no regard for the consequences for their group, that she's adding another stress-factor for them. As if any of them need anything else to worry about. That’s some fucked up egotistical behavior if she’s ever seen it.
So, Fatin gives up. She doesn’t go near Leah anymore, keeps her distance and busies herself with things around the camp. If Leah wants to stay in her own world that’s fine. Probably better anyways.
“I’m sorry, but I’m done with her.” She even tells Dot and Toni on the fourth day after Leah’s stunt with the pills.
Toni calls her out on it. “I don’t think you mean that.”
“I don’t?”
“No, I know shit-talk when I hear it and you don’t mean that.” Toni shakes her head.
But Fatin wants to mean it. She needs to mean it for herself. If she let herself care too much, it’ll only hurt her in the long run. It has already hurt her too much.
III (Day 58)
Leah screams and Fatin’s heart clenches. They are on top of this weird bunker, overlooking a new island. All the girls are there and some guys as well, there hasn’t been time for introductions or swapping stories yet, they’ve all only been following Leah’s lead since they got out of their cells. Leah seemed to have at least an idea of what’s happening with them. But now Leah screams and Fatin loses the hope she had gotten when her cell door clicked open and she had reunited with Leah.
Fatin springs into action and approaches her. She reaches out, not wanting to startle the other girl, and softly puts a hand on her shoulder. She wants to get Leah’s attention, to get Leah to concentrate on other things before she gets too deep into her head.
This time she wants to act before she has to react again. Before she reacts the wrong way. Before Leah does something to herself that they might not be able to save her from this time. She just got her back, she’s not about to lose her again.
Leah looks at her with wide eyes and Fatin just wraps the other girl in her arms. They stay like that for a while, the others slowly leave in small groups when it becomes apparent that the speaker will stay silent for now and that they can’t do anything about their situation from where they are.
“Let’s join the others.” Leah tells her after a while and breaks their hug. She feels Leah taking her hand and squeezes it. She doesn’t really know if she means it as a reassurance for Leah or does it for her own benefit. It just feels good to feel Leah near her again.
Fatin doesn’t leave Leah’s side while they talk with both groups. She reluctantly drops her hand when they arrive because Leah walks while she talks and it would be feel weird if she walked with her. She stays closely though and listens as Leah tells them what she knows about the experiment. Shelby backs her up with the evidence they had found together on their last day on the island.
The rest of the talk goes mostly over her head. She can’t get a good read on Leah right now and that’s making her more nervous than anything. Fatin stares at Leah’s side profile while she talks and explains how her time in the bunker had gone since they got picked up at their island.
She can tell that the other girl is upset. Obviously, they all are. Apparently she thought she had tricked that Gretchen woman but that didn’t work out or they wouldn’t still be there, with no adult working for the experiment in sight. Beyond the obvious anger, Fatin doesn’t know what Leah is thinking or how she is feeling. She notices a crease between her eyebrows, a slight tremble at times when she talks. All in all, Leah is rather precise in her explanation to the others, clearer than she had been when she had told Fatin about the pit or the camera in the tree. But it also seems like she’s put a wall up. Fatin can’t really pinpoint where that feeling is coming from.
They collectively decide to end the day and go to bed. They can regroup tomorrow, take a look at their surroundings, and come up with a plan on how to proceed. And as much as Fatin has missed the girls during their so-called quarantine, she desperately needs a moment with Leah alone, especially away from the guys that they don't know. She’s still not sure where Leah’s head’s at and it worries her.
She briefly wonders if it’s the right decision to be alone with Leah. Maybe they’d be stronger in numbers and it would be wise to have at least Dot there for support in case she’s out of her depth with Leah. But it’s too late, Dot has already left in the other direction. Selfishly she also just wants to be alone with Leah. She would feel better about it though if she was sure that she can handle Leah’s thoughts right now.
They make their way back to their rooms. Fatin doesn’t hesitate before joining Leah in her room instead of going into her own. She’s determined not to leave Leah alone in a high stress situation again and to her that means not leaving her side right now.
She watches from the door as Leah sits against the headboard of her bed, eyebrows still knit together. She seems deep in thought. Fatin isn’t sure where her thoughts are taking Leah, if it’s good to let her run with them but she quietly sits down at the door. She leans her back against the doorframe and pushes one of her slippers under the door so that it can’t get closed by the automatic system that’s installed in the facility. From her spot against the doorframe she can keep an eye on the hall but mostly on Leah on the bed.
They sit like that for a while. Fatin doesn’t know for how long exactly, the people had taken her watch when she arrived. It probably feels longer than it actually is. Not knowing what’s going on in Leah’s head is killing her.
“You know, you don’t need to stay here, I’m sure your bed is more comfortable than the ground.” Leah startles her out of her thoughts.
Although that’s the exact opposite of what Fatin’s feeling – she does need to stay there – she just shrugs. “I know. I want to though.”
“Okay…” Leah looks at her weirdly, “are you alright?”
“Mhm, I guess,” she nods, “are you?” She sits up a little straighter, wants to be able to see Leah better. Leah leans forward a bit, now fully angling her body towards Fatin.
“Just frustrated, you know? I was so close to get us out of here and now we’re in this shitshow for longer than necessary.”
“I mean, I feel like every minute on the island was longer than necessary but I get your point I guess.” Her lame joke earns her a small, tired smile from Leah.
“But you would tell me if you were- if you were going like dark again, right?” Fatin asks. She feels like she can’t look at Leah even though she probably should to see her face when she answers.
“What, did you guys put me on suicide watch again?” Leah spits, clearly not happy with the thought. She rises from her bed and closes the short distance between them. Now she towers over Fatin who still sits on the ground. “I’m not a fucking baby, Fatin. You don’t have to watch me 24/7 like a babysitter or some shit.”
“No, no, no.” Fatin rushes out. Somehow in trying to do the right thing this time, she had managed to say the wrong thing again. What a track-record she’s got. “That’s not it at all, Leah.”
She stands up and searches for Leah’s eyes, hurrying to get it right. “I just- I worry, okay?”
Leah stares back at her now. Fatin wonders if she can reach for Leah’s hands without rejection from the other girl. Because she couldn’t handle it if Leah would withdraw her hands.
“I just want to make sure you’re okay.” She decides to risk it and reaches for Leah’s right hand, fully prepared for Leah to reject her. To her surprise, Leah lets her take her hand. She stares at their clasped hands.
“I failed twice already, I can’t have that happen again.” She whispers, not sure if Leah hears her. She deliberately doesn't look at the other girl.
“Hey, look at me.” She follows Leah’s request reluctantly and looks up at her. She focuses on Leah’s bright blue eyes that look stormy but lively right now. Much more lively than she’s had already seen them a couple of times before. “I’m okay, Fatin, truly. I now know that I was right about a lot of the fucked up things going on on that island and honestly just knowing I wasn’t fucking crazy about those things has helped a lot. Obviously I’m not like awesome, how could I? None of us are, but that’s okay. I'm not entirely sure if we can trust all of the guys but we just have to scope that out with time I guess and be careful around them. So, considering the circumstances, I’m alright.”
Fatin nods in acknowledgment of Leah’s words. Relief washes through her, she really needed to hear Leah say it herself. She throws herself at Leah who catches her easily like she's had done numerous times before on the first island. There are still a lot of things unsaid between them but for now, it’s enough.
Still in Leah’s arms, Fatin whispers “Can I sleep here tonight? I just need to stay close.”
Even with the reassurance she just got from Leah herself she feels the need to keep her close, to make sure Leah doesn’t disappear. Doesn't leave her. They’ve been separated for days now and she’s tired of the distance and of pretending that it doesn’t effect her.
Leah breaks their hug a little so that they can look at each other. She reaches out and lightly strokes Fatin’s cheek. She nods.